[fic] SW: Return From Exile

[Jae Onasi]

Nice fighting scenes, and the image of Davrel at the end of the chapter before this latest is an aspect of battle most will never see. Quieting the boma was cool, too.

 

I'm enjoying the political developments on Onderon and seeing how Vaklu's trying to manipulate things around Talia.

[machievelli]

Then you'll love the next segment, Jae

[Emperor Devon]

Another good chapter, machievelli. Interesting how you said Deralia had more predators than Dxun. Out of curiosity, why was that?

[machievelli]

My version of Deralia in KOTOR 1. As far as I know, the planet isn't even listed except in the kotor games, so I played with it. Read the first chapter of my book for explanation.

[Emperor Devon]

I just took a look at it. A very different way from how I pictured the planet, but an interesting one.

[machievelli]

Thank you. My take on it, was that Danika Wordweaver, my version of Revan was an amalgam of Revan, and the memories of a soldier that died at the battle when she was captured. Her thoughts were impressed on Revan's damaged mind, which caused the force bond between Danika and Bastila. Later, I decided she was an Echani, and created the basis of the Echani society including life bonds, where the empathic race joins together. Not true telepathy, more telempathy. Instead of defeating Bastila in a fight, Revan bonds with her using the Echani rites. It ends with them the equivilant of significant others rather than lovers and mothers to Sasha Ot Sulem. If fact Sasha calls Danika 'One I wished was my mother' but calls Bastila 'the not nice (Or evil) one who is my stepmother.

 

Oddly enough you guys got to see it in it's entirety because when I went the Galactic Senate I discovered they had a rule called no slash. No situations where any form of non-procreative or same sex couples.

[Emperor Devon]

Thank you. My take on it, was that Danika Wordweaver, {snip}

 

That's a change I hadn't considered, although it's contradicted by how Kreia says Revan was born beyond the Outer Rim.

 

Oddly enough you guys got to see it in it's entirety because when I went the Galactic Senate I discovered they had a rule called no slash. No situations where any form of non-procreative or same sex couples.

 

There is actually a rule against kissing scenes with same-sex couples here, although it's too harsh. Very descriptive scenes of that I don't think should be allowed, but just mentioning or mildly desribing it works out well. I thought it made Luxa seem less bland, although.

 

Speaking of Luxa, your chapter on her implied she was a lesbian. She's actually a bisexual, from what I've seen playing as male and female characters. She'll use just as many flirtatious lines on male players, but substitutes 'beautiful' with 'handsome'.

[machievelli]

There is actually a rule against kissing scenes with same-sex couples here, although it's too harsh. Very descriptive scenes of that I don't think should be allowed, but just mentioning or mildly desribing it works out well. I thought it made Luxa seem less bland, although.

 

According to their rule, just two women (Or men) showing interest is gounds for snipping.

 

Speaking of Luxa, your chapter on her implied she was a lesbian. She's actually a bisexual, from what I've seen playing as male and female characters. She'll use just as many flirtatious lines on male players, but substitutes 'beautiful' with 'handsome'.

 

She's Zoren, and they are known for the pheromones. Flirting with that sensory overload would be automatic

 

Actually, the only thing that made you think that was Atton's comment, and I hate to tell you, a liberated woman (Who is not bisexual) has the same attitude. MY late sister's comment was that the problem with men was their batteries run down after an hour. I just made her the sterotypical mob boss expecting the person to 'be nice to them' when you owe them money.

[machievelli]

That's a change I hadn't considered, although it's contradicted by how Kreia says Revan was born beyond the Outer Rim.

 

How so? An American born in Germany is still an american.

[Jae Onasi]

This is from the Guide to User Made Stories

 

2. just remember to watch/edit the language and don't post anything sexual related beyond kissing. and to avoid conflicts, no homosexual-related stories at this time. if you think its a bit 'racey', then pm it to me and i'll help you go through it to make it not so racey.

 

Check with stingerhs if you have any questions.

 

Emperor D, there may be multiple reasons why a site chooses not to allow sexual themes of any kind, but the most common concern is legal, not a phobia. They may be concerned about legal action if a child accesses their site and sees/reads something inappropriate, and with the legal climate in the US, that's a very legitimate concern. Some people also believe that it's a very private activity and doesn't need to be broadcast all over the world. It's not like there's any lack of racy websites out there anyway. You can't swing a dead cat around the internet without hitting a porn site. Besides, it should be a good story, with or without 'whoopie'.

 

@mach--so the Echani bond is sort of equivalent to a more platonic 'soul-mate' rather than 'love-mate'? For lack of a better explanation, I have a friend I consider a soul-mate--someone I can tell anything/ask anything, we understand each other in ways many can't. He's someone I love like my own family, but I don't have the same kind of love for him I have for my hubby, who is a life/lovemate.

 

And, I look forward to a nice intrigue-filled chapter.

[machievelli]

I read Jae's comment above. Got it in one. My explanation was when you love somone so much that their well being is more important than anything else.

 

The entire 'sexual contact' between them was a deep soul searching hug when they bonded, some dreams where they sat cuddled in a hot tub, and Bastila casually putting her arm around her later.

 

Problem was, I had finished the next twenty five odd pages of my present opus magna (Over 400 pages) before I did. If we had a section for a slight R rating, I would have put it there. I have PMed Stingersh to get a call on it.

 

If he gives it the thumb down, I will rewrite it. However if you can prove your age, I'll save a copy of the original.

[Emperor Devon]

How so? An American born in Germany is still an american.

 

The Echani are a much more unique and independant culture than many of the others in the others in the galaxy. To me, it doesn't seem like some of its citizens would settle on a far-off world, but to each their own.

 

If he gives it the thumb down, I will rewrite it. However if you can prove your age, I'll save a copy of the original.

 

All but impossible to do over the internet without revealing information I'm not comftorable with disclosing on a site anyone can view. But that's all moot, because I could just copy and paste what you wrote onto a word document right now.

 

but the most common concern is legal, not a phobia. They may be concerned about legal action if a child accesses their site and sees/reads something inappropriate, and with the legal climate in the US, that's a very legitimate concern

 

Many of the stories here would be a bad thing for small children to view, but that is true.

[Char Ell]

I liked the manner in which you introduced lightsabers into the story by using some of Marai's fallen Jedi comrades. This will give even more significance to the lightsabers Marai and Brianna use.

Mach. The oldest of those that came with us. Always laughing, one of the best with a lightsaber I had ever seen.

This wouldn't be like anybody we know, would it?

 

I walked the field with Mandalore. The loses were heavy. Fifteen of the Mandalore, some of them no more than boys were dead. I found Davrel by the weapon he had manned, kneeling beside his own vomit, his eyes on the body beside him.

 

“Davrel.” He didn’t look up. I could hear a keening in his mind. His innocence had been blown to shards with the men he had killed in the minefield. I knelt, turning his head to he was staring in my eyes. “Davrel, it’s over. You did well.”

 

“I... I panicked. I saw Sulash laying there, dying. He was my friend! He was...”

 

“You saw that and you manned your gun. You killed three score of them out there by our count, and it was only after the battle was over that you fell apart.” I pulled him to me, and he cried. For his friend, for the dead he had caused, and for all he had lost in that first embrace with death.

I grimaced when I read this section. Not at all how I would expect a Mandalorian to act. The vomit from a soldier uninitiated in combat I can accept. It's the whimpering part I don't see as realistic. I would have expected Davrel to make some pretense aboout his condition or say nothing at all though his eyes may have spoken his grief and shock at losing his friend. I guess I just expect a little more machismo from Mandalorian warriors.

 

In post #50 I thought you added some great detail to the established history of Onderon, detail like how the beast riders lived outside of the protection of the city walls, how they came to learn to control the beasts of their planet, perhaps a lesser form of beast control than the Jedi are able to employ.

[machievelli]

I liked the manner in which you introduced lightsabers into the story by using some of Marai's fallen Jedi comrades. This will give even more significance to the lightsabers Marai and Brianna use.

This wouldn't be like anybody we know, would it? .

 

No, ya think?

 

I grimaced when I read this section. Not at all how I would expect a Mandalorian to act. The vomit from a soldier uninitiated in combat I can accept. It's the whimpering part I don't see as realistic. I would have expected Davrel to make some pretense aboout his condition or say nothing at all though his eyes may have spoken his grief and shock at losing his friend. I guess I just expect a little more machismo from Mandalorian warriors.

 

It wasn't the battle that caused that reaction. As much as people lean on Machismo, it is like the enemy always being brutes. Davrel had heard of war, dreamed of war, trained for war, but never knew war. That was part of the reason I had that right of first battle referred to by Marai's problem at Malachor. Send them to war when they are still children because afterward you say 'To be great among us, this is what you will do and be. Can you stand it?'

 

The point is that he didn't fall apart until afterward as Marai had said. Considering what I had him doing, that would have shattered their defenses.

 

In post #50 I thought you added some great detail to the established history of Onderon, detail like how the beast riders lived outside of the protection of the city walls, how they came to learn to control the beasts of their planet, perhaps a lesser form of beast control than the Jedi are able to employ.

 

Thank the people who have been writing books (Onderon is listed in the Encyclopedia) and all I did was name the devil dragons.

[machievelli]

The Echani are a much more unique and independant culture than many of the others in the others in the galaxy. To me, it doesn't seem like some of its citizens would settle on a far-off world, but to each their own.

 

No I was saying her family could have been on business when she was born, so being 'born in the Outer Rim' does not preclude living on Echana.

 

Oh, BTW, since Echana was never even mentioned when I wrote my KOTOR Novel (Which I am still trying to sell) I decided to make her echani and filled in some of their society.

 

In KOTOR there is only a reference to their armor and weapons.

 

The novels The Beginning and Republic Dawn posted here, were written before I got a copy of TSL. It is mere synchronicity that my vision of the people and the world matched the small part I have seen so far of the Obsidian work.

[Emperor Devon]

No I was saying her family could have been on business when she was born, so being 'born in the Outer Rim' does not preclude living on Echana.

 

That is a point.

 

Oh, BTW, since Echana was never even mentioned when I wrote my KOTOR Novel (Which I am still trying to sell)

 

You're trying to sell it? KotOR is copyrighted material. If LA finds out about this, they would have definite grounds for filing a lawsuit against you. Unless you've gotten their permission, it be would be very unwise to try to sell copies.

[Jae Onasi]

I think he's mentioned in another thread going through an agent to sell it through legal channels appropriately so I thought I'd pass that on in this thread.

[Emperor Devon]

I think he's mentioned in another thread going through an agent to sell it through legal channels appropriately so I thought I'd pass that on in this thread.

 

That's a relief! It might've even resulted in action against LF.

 

I wish you the best of luck selling your book, machievelli.

[machievelli]

My biggest problem with selling it is finding an agent. You have a catch 22 when dealing with agents, and I postulated you have two levels of catch 22 with them.

 

First level, most agents only want to handle moneymakers. So if you haven't sold, then obviously you can't make them money. But a lot a markets have gone to agent submission which means you can't sell in a lot of them without an agent. The Star Wars series books by Del Rey are one of these. As for permissions I spoke with the woman in charge at Lucasarts, and got one one answer, that they were interested in seeing it, but another from a man I took to be his assistant, that the franchise doesn't care about anything outside of the exact historical era (From right before Anakin's Birth to the New Republic) but will sue if I use 'jedi' or other copywrited words in anything.

 

The second tier of catch 22 is that you have to convince an agent to read your work, and until you do, he won't represent you. He expects you to write a letter (90% want hard copy not e-mail) but you have to do an antire dog and pony show in less than one page without coming across as either pathetic or pushy.

 

If someone could create such a letter, I would be very happy.

[Emperor Devon]

First level, most agents only want to handle moneymakers. So if you haven't sold, then obviously you can't make them money.

 

Aren't you a writer? I imagine you've sold books, published articles, etc. or you wouldn't be able to make that your career for very long. That would be something to bring up with them.

 

but another from a man I took to be his assistant, that the franchise doesn't care about anything outside of the exact historical era (From right before Anakin's Birth to the New Republic) but will sue if I use 'jedi' or other copywrited words in anything.

 

That definitely puts a damper on things. It sounds very difficult to write a Star Wars book without being allowed to use any Star Wars terms.

 

The second tier of catch 22 is that you have to convince an agent to read your work, and until you do, he won't represent you. He expects you to write a letter (90% want hard copy not e-mail) but you have to do an antire dog and pony show in less than one page without coming across as either pathetic or pushy.

 

Sounds difficult. It could help if you gathered evidence that people were interested in a KotOR novelization.

 

If someone could create such a letter, I would be very happy.

 

You mentioned that he expects you to write the letter. I don't think it would impress him if it was written entirely by someone else.

[machievelli]

Muphy's law concerning writers:

 

Whatever your best at is either sequestered (Meaning they won't speak to you,) or not what the 'public' (Meaning the editor) wants.

 

No, I have yet to sell a major work even with 4 star wars, three star trek, one muder mystery/aventure, and three of fantasy works in my own universe.

[Emperor Devon]

No, I have yet to sell a major work even with 4 star wars, three star trek, one muder mystery/aventure, and three of fantasy works in my own universe.

 

A muder mystery? What on earth could that be?

 

Looking at things from the editor's perspective, I'd want someone to write a novelization of KotOR if they had already writen some successful works, or had published several Star Wars ones that were at least mildly successful.

 

This is a bit off-topic, (well, actually this whole conversation is) but what were the Star Wars books you wrote? I might have read them.

[machievelli]

A muder mystery? What on earth could that be?

 

Picture this: A Homicide detective in a Texas city has a past best left buried. Before Sarah Doyle came to the United States, she was one of the most feared assassins the Mujahadeen ever fielded. Burned out at the age of 16, she was rescued by the CIA and the Iraelis. Given a new identity, she has made it to the top of her new profession.

 

Now bodies are turning up in American cities, and all have one thing in common, they are people she would have killed without compunction back home.

 

Her past revealed, pursued by Homeland Security, she has to face the real killer in a hunt harkening back to her past, and only her own skills will keep her alive.

 

Looking at things from the editor's perspective, I'd want someone to write a novelization of KotOR if they had already writen some successful works, or had published several Star Wars ones that were at least mildly successful.

 

By that definition, we would never have a new writer unless the others are safely dead.

 

This is a bit off-topic, (well, actually this whole conversation is) but what were the Star Wars books you wrote? I might have read them.

 

If you have looked at this forum, you will see two book. Star Wars The Beginning, and Star Wars Republic Dawn.

 

I said I wrote them, not that they had been published

[Emperor Devon]

Picture this: {snip}

 

I was just poking a little fun at your typo.

 

By that definition, we would never have a new writer unless the others are safely dead.

 

Not neccessarily. All writers work up from something. I imagine the author of the Thrawn Trilogy didn't just go into that as his first novelization. He had to have published smaller works earlier.

 

If you have looked at this forum, you will see two book. Star Wars The Beginning, and Star Wars Republic Dawn.

 

I have not looked at this forum very thoroughly yet. I'll be sure to check them out sometime.

[machievelli]

let me think;

 

no