Ali Gelmar Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 ----------------(X) Chapter I(X)---------------- It was cold. Mal jumped from the small hill he had been standing on for the past 10 minutes and ran as fast as he could to the smoking hut that was once his home. Tears trickled down his swollen face but quickly turned to icicles as the dropped to the icy ground of Cal V he jumped his fence and use the force to put out some of the flames blocking his way in he opened the door and looked around at the fiery destruction that was once his home. “ Meg! “ He shouted into the smoke but he heard no answer he looked around avoiding bits of the collapsing roof and soon came to what he feared he entered his bedroom and there was Meg’s body surrounded by blood, crushed by the falling roof in her sleep. She wouldn’t have felt a thing but it was still a messy death. Mal bent down to the floor picked up a gold metal cylinder it was Meg’s lightsaber the sign of a Jedi. She’s dead and it’s my fault. Mal thought as he left the room and escaped the remains of what was once a peaceful home but when he got outside he was not alone. “ What a shame such a nice how burnt to the ground…” A voice hissed as Mal just escaped and the doorway caved in he looked up and standing near his small fighter was 3 figures waiting for him they chuckled at what there boss had said then all turned on there lightsaber. “ My name is Gloria, “ The voice hissed. “ And where Duke and Balk.” The other to figures said they advance swords drawn but Mal quickly disposed of them sending currents of electric through their body by using the force. “ Foolish bounty hunter’s don’t know how to take out a ex-Jedi but I do, Your handsome shame I’ve been ordered to kill you and leave no trace” Gloria hissed also advancing but pushing Mal back making him smack his head against the caved in door he quickly pulled out his blaster sending several shot towards Gloria head which were easily deflected one hitting Mal in the leg. He groaned in agony but was quickly silenced as Gloria pulled him towards her and then chucked him into the snow then preparing for the final stop. “ Foolish Jedi use her lightsaber and strike me down show me some anger!” She shouted as she jumped into the air and stabbed towards were Mal was lying with out thinking he activated Megs lightsaber and blocked Gloria’s attack and then slice through her wait and kicked her body away. “ I promised to never use a lightsaber again but now I have,” Mal said to himself as he started to cute and hole into the ice. “ This is a tribute to Meg” He said placing the sabre in and then covering it back up with what was once there he shivered then started to warm up the engines of his fighter and got in. “ Computer set a course for the Jedi Temple for once I need their guidance…” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Good Chapter, though it was quite short, so I would call that a Prologue more than a Chapter. Anyway it is good. I'm looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediAthos Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 I like the beginning so far. I noticed a couple minor spelling errors but that's about it. I look forward to reading more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted September 16, 2006 Share Posted September 16, 2006 I like the beginning. It has promise, but there are a few of Grammer and Spelling errors, nothing which a quick re-read and edit wont fix . Other than that though, good work, and keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Ok here chapter II its longer bet I find it har to write longer chapters Enjoy. ----------------(X)Chapter II(X)---------------- Mal’s small republic fighter began landing protocol and he looked down at the old Jedi Academy at coruscant he looked at thousand fountains and the many towers it had he sighed. Its been a year now since I left the order and since then I have not ever needed their guidance but now with many of my fellow grey Jedi’s being hunted down and killed maybe it truly is time I asked for help, he thought as the small ship finally landed and he opened up the cockpit and jumped out. He looked around the platform and sighed. “ Where welcome wagon?” He said as he began to walk towards the door at the end of the platform that lend into the main entrance of the academy. Mal had left the academy long ago but still new its layout well and soon came to the council chamber where he was told to wait. After a few minutes of waiting he was finally aloud in and was greeted by the familiar face of his old master Vandar. “ What is it that brings you before us have you finally admitted that your teachings are wrong?” The voice of Atris said as Mal entered and kneeled down. “ No, I have come for your guidance for once I admit I need it…” Mal replied as he rose and look at the Jedi Masters in the room. There were only 4 at the current time. Vandar, Atris, Kavar and Vrook all were sitting in the regular place looking as if they were all knowing but didn’t quite understand the force from Mals point of view. “ Hmmm your thoughts misplaced they are.” Vandar said after a long silence he rose and walked over to Mal placing a hand on Mals leg and signalling for him to kneel down so he could see Mal at his height. “ What do you mean old master?” Mal asked he knelt back down and Master Vandar put his hand on Mals for head. “ Meg died she has, felt it through the force we did.” Vandar whispered he turned then went back to his seat and turned to the other council members. “ A strange problem we have Grey Jedi every where being hunted they are a unknown force from the outer rim it is.” Vandar said to every one in the room he looked back to his old apprentice then smiled. “ Where ever he is he will draw the terror of what ever this hunter is to him putting us in jeopardy he must leave immediately unless you have a better idea Mal?” Vrook said speaking for the first time but was silenced as the council chamber door opened and a young man came in and greeted Mal. “ Ahh welcome Lek “ Kavar said as them man kneeled down next to Mal and waited for the council speak. The man was medium build and had short brown hair apart from where a Padawans lock of hair had once been he smiled at Mal and then carried on listening to Vrook. “ Lek we have called you here to help us with a problem as you know those who left our ordered and joined Mal are being hunted down and killed we think that maybe this could be connected to what you found Celver V you are to take Mal and until then not return to the academy now both of you please leave there is much we must talk about.” Atris said as all the Council members rose and then aloud Mal and Lek to leave. Mal walked out of the council chamber and stepped onto the small Hover Platform that would take them down on a long descent back to the 1st level of the academy. Mal thought what happened in the past two days and remembered all those years ago when he first learnt that he were a Force Sensitive. He had grown up on the slave world of Shak where he was made to mine ore and nova crystals in dangerous heats and every day a guard used to come along and hit them round the back of the head and made sure they weren’t getting any ideas one day when he hit Mal a huge rock came flying from across the room and smashed him in the head. That night Mal was trying to sleep and was focusing on a small rock on the floor when suddenly it slowly started to lift. For next few months he kept on practicing thing until he had enough control over the rock that he could make a huge rock collapse and cave in the Guards quarters Mal didn’t know how he was doing this until one day a Jedi arrived searching the area for a illegal slave Mining facility and was able to because of Mals connection to the force. That day he met a Jedi for the first time in his life. The elevator slowly halted and Mal rose again wait for Lek to show the way to the freighter in which they would be travelling to the planet Celver V Mal checked his data pad for any information but it was uncharted by the republic. They soon came to a large Hangar in which a Small freighter that looked like it could be used for smuggling was kept and Lek led they way on to the ship. Lek hadn’t spoken since they left the chambers and didn’t look like he was going to say anything at all during the flight. Mal took a last look at the academy and then walked on to the ship and with in minutes it was heading into space towards the darkness ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 Better Chapter. Still some mistakes like Coruscant needs a capital. I'm looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Hmmm those word are very unfamiliar when it comes to my writing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 Hmmm those word are very unfamiliar when it comes to my writing.... What do you mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 No one has ever actually said my writing was good always bad in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted September 17, 2006 Share Posted September 17, 2006 Hello! Welcome to CEC and LF! Hope you enjoy. Feel free to check out the stickies--if you have a tip to share in one of those threads, please do! If you have any questions, you can PM any of us moderators. I like your intriguing story idea--there is some very interesting plot development. The punctuation is making it a little tough to read--it's hard for us readers to know where you've ended one thought and gone on to another because of the lack of commas. Putting those in the right spots will help the story flow quite a bit and make it easier for everyone to read and enjoy. To make longer chapters--add in just a little more description--how do people feel? What do they see or hear? That kind of thing. I don't mind if chapters are short or long, personally. It's just when you have an interesting story, people like to have more of it. I thought it was interesting that the Jedi Council would be interested in the well-being of grey Jedi. It didn't surprise me, because they do care about the people in the Order and why they leave, but I was fascinated by the idea just the same. Keep up the writing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 17, 2006 Author Share Posted September 17, 2006 Thnk you for giving your comment next chapter will be when ever i feel like it due to going to school tomoz and homework ut will try to get it done quick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maverick5770 Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Looks cool, I'm looking forward to your next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 ----------------(X) Chapter IV(X)---------------- Atris left the Council Chamber and walked onto the small hover platform and programmed it to take her to the Archives. There something not quite right who ever this unknown threat is its after something and more importantly its after the force energy in the bodies of the Greys, she thought as she waited for the platform to finally arrive at the archives she walked along the many passage until finally coming along the planets and system area she pressed a few buttons on the data screen and the picture of Celver V appeared on the screen along with images of the surrounding moons and planets and history of the ancient Kalgar race that once lived upon it’s Jungle surface. Atris carried on searching through the file of the Jedi archive until she came across the information she needed she then put it on full screen and inserted her datapad and began downloading the data. The Kalgar pronounced Kal-Gar, were a ancient race of intelligent humanoids they along with another race were the first creators of the sword and later on the blaster. On their home world known as Celver V they built many tombs and temples one containing information on ancient crystal that when it had enough neutral force energy put into it could unleash a powerful of darkness possibly turning all hit by it to the dark side. In one of the temples on Celver V there are meant to be ancient runes that when translated give locations to possible place where the crystal3213314523255. Suddenly the information screen cut off. “ Nowssss I wouldntssss wantsss yousss findingsss outsss the mastersssss plansssss” A hissing voice said behind Atris who turned round and looked at the cloaked figure she quickly jumped into action activating her blue lightsaber and preparing for any possible attack. “ What is your name?” She asked waiting for him to try and strike her down but all he did was laugh at her then use the force push her side and send her flying away towards one of the many pillars of knowledge. Atris looked over to him as she noticed him start to delete the data off of the Archive but soon fell unconscious. Mal looked out of the cockpit window and then continued playing pazzak on the onboard ship simulator the trip had been boring and Lek hadn’t talked to him the hole time they’d been travelling for 3 days now and yet they still weren’t there. Suddenly Mal felt a surge of pain and fell down falling into unconsciousness he saw Atris and a cloaked figure who talked just like the woman killed Meg and then to his shock he saw Meg but she was different she was wearing full black robes and holding a red lightsaber and was surrounded by other cloaked figures then there was ear piercing shriek and Mals eyes flickered open Lek was over him with his hand on Mals forehead and then stood up. “ Are you ok?” Lek asked going back to controlling the ship. “ What happened everything just went dark and then I saw Atris and Meg and some strange hissing cloaked people…” Mal said as he got back into his chair and aloud Lek to do some further checks on his vital signs. “Well at least your all in once piece you looked like you were having a fit or something,” Lek said as he turned back to look at the radar. He smiled and then pressed a few buttons. “ What is it?” Mal asked looking into the radar then saw about 15 red dots and 1 bigger but still red dot closing in behind them Mal looked at Lek looked at Mal and they jumped into action. “ Mal I don’t know who they are but were going to be in range of there tractor beam soon enough” Lek said going through a container and passing some basic equipment and a belt with concealed pouches on it to stop equipment being spotted. Mal holstered his blasters and a Lightsaber that Lek passed to him and then added the other Medpacs and computer spike he was given into the pouches. “ Well you came well prepared how far are we from the planet?” Mal asked as they felt the ship being grabbed by the tractor beam and slowly pulled towards the main ship. “ Were close but it looks like we might not get there in this ship,” Lek replied grabbing a couple of grenades and adding them to one of the concealed pouches. And then activated the belt making it completely invisible. There was bang and for a couple of second it felt like the world was going to end the doors onto the ship were opened and several cloaked figure who were armed stepped forwards and activated a strange knock out gas grenade Mal fell he felt drowsy and soon Lek was out cold Mal felt the eyes of each of the figure piercing into him and then he collapsed. Mal awoke he was sweating badly and could hardly breathe his eyes opened and he looked around the small stasis cage he had been put in apart from his regular underclothing he had been striped of his robes but as far as he knew the belt was still firmly attached round his waist. “ Welcome your finally awake” A female voice said it sounded close and Mal looked around and heard no one then he heard a small knocking above him were there was a glass roof and a red Twiliek kneeling down and smiling her cell like Mal’s was a Small grey box with only a cot bed in the corner and a door at one end of it only above her there was no glass roof. “ Who are you?” Mal groaned as he got up and looked at the Twiliek woman she seemed quite young but was tall and looked like she had been in many combat situations. “ My names Kquai you must be Mal I’ve heard about you from the guy next door to me called Lek he asked for me too keep an eye on you while he tries to find his way down to you he’s already escaped from his cage” She replied she sat down and rested against the wall whistling a small tune. “ I might be here along time…” Mal sighed as he sat on his bunk and looked at the ceiling. 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Diego Varen Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Another good Chapter. Though I think you forgot to change the Chapter Title colour to orange. I'm looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 ... yeh i got a new laptop and it was being stupid i will change it when i can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ali Gelmar Posted September 22, 2006 Author Share Posted September 22, 2006 Sorry guys bt im going to cancel the hunt for the greys fornow ive lost the willl to write it... I'll close it for now so it doesn't get spammed--if you'd like to continue it at any point, please don't hesitate to contact me or the other moderators. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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