HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 I'm working on chapter 7 now Its already about 2 and a half pages. So I shall soon PM it to you Pottsie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Good to know, i'm looking forward to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 It should be done very soon its right now called Chapter 7 The First Move of Yoda and the Beginnig of the War I've made it a little longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 It should be done very soon its right now called Chapter 7 The First Move of Yoda and the Beginnig of the War I've made it a little longer. I'm looking foward to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Oh and, Grivis, i've been reading your New War Trilogy, it's pretty good, altough there are very mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Oh and, Grivis, i've been reading your New War Trilogy, it's pretty good, altough there are very mistakes. Don't you mean many mistakes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Yeah, very dumb of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Oh and, Grivis, i've been reading your New War Trilogy, it's pretty good, altough there are very mistakes. Yeah I know the sith order has the most. Later if Pottsie dosn't mind since it was his idea I might do a special editon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Once again a good edited Pottsie chap Chapter 7 The First Move and the Beginning of the War TK-421 raised his blaster pointing in the air through the crowd. He fired and people turned around and stared. Under his helmet TK grinned. That was easy, he thought. “To the people of Dathomir after the fall of the Republic in the Clone Wars, Chancellor Palpatine became the new emperor. Seeing the many flaws in Palpatine, Yoda, the dark lord of the Sith and former Jedi, took over the throne, and now Yoda wants students for his great Sith Academy. Please come with me as I search planets to find these students, but only come if the Force is with you.” He finished his speech and fired again, making a murmur of deciding ripple through the crowd. Tons walked forward hoping to join. TK sent them in the ship and one last look at the now bored crowd walked away into the ship after the new candidates. He walked into the cockpit and told the pilot to set course for Naboo. Sip, Obi-Wan, and Padme, who was carrying the twins, walked toward Padme’s ship and ran up the ramp. Obi-Wan switched on C-3P0 ignoring Padme. “Ah master Kenobi, were would you like to go as you know I am fluent over-.” “I know 3P0 take us to Naboo. We’re going to hide there for a while.” “Oh, yes sir.” Obi-Wan sighed and sat in the co-pilot seat, while Padme left to her room to care for the twins. Sip shut the door to the cockpit and sat on a table near Obi-Wan. “So how did Yoda and Anakin turn, the full story this time?” Sip asked. Obi-Wan hesitated before answering, “Well you already know the Clone Wars and all the battles. I noted they were close but not that close.” He said indicating the children. “Then after he turned, I guess he lost control or saw a vision. He joined Sidious and killed all the Jedi. Even the Younglings.” He said, remembering the security camera’s footage. “And Yoda?” “I don’t completely know but maybe he was angry after he lost to Sidious. He killed Bail Organa.” “Organa, how did he come to this?” Obi-Wan told him the way Organa had gone to the temple to see what had happened and the Clones killing a padawan. Then he told how he issued a warning that he had reacted joined him before and Yoda. He told how Yoda and him had gone to the temple then went separate ways to battle the two Sith. He told him how he had faced Anakin and how he had gone to meet Yoda again and how he had turned and fought him. Finally he finished as he had flown to Dantooine and found Sip. “Whoa” Sip said as his response. “You have been in a lot of action.” Obi-Wan nodded but looked away. He didn’t feel comfortable talking about his former apprentice and the Jedi, he had always looked up to. “Obi-Wan we all looked up to Yoda for guidance but now…we have to follow a different path. Our best teacher at visions told us a old man on Tatoonie would teach a boy and the Order would be gone. She said the boy would slowly grow up and defeat two Sith and bring the Order and peace to the galaxy. That might of changed, but I bet some remained. I think you were the old man and the boy was Anakin and Padme’s son. If I’m right we might still bring back peace. We have to train Luke and Leia in the ways of the Force.” “But what if you’re wrong? And I’m not the old man, and the boy isn't Luke?” “The Jedi doesn’t deal with ifs.” “The Jedi doesn’t become generals in galactic wars either Sip. And the Order has gone.” “So we have to bring it back and I’m sure there are Jedi alive.” Obi-Wan nodded and thought for a while before he drifted to sleep. Obi Wan soon awoke to find they were approaching Naboo. He got up and sat back in the co-pilot seat. He set the ship to land near Padme’s old home. Soon they landed Obi-Wan told 3P0 to wait in the ship but they brought R2 because of his usefulness as an Astromech Droid. As he entered Padme’s old house he immediately heard a faint ticking sound. He used the force to search the room. He turned fast and motioned Sip to follow him. He ran out the door and used the force to lift Padme, R2, and the twins. He lowered them as far as he could from the house. Sip now aware of what was happening leaped with Obi-Wan away from the building. The house exploded destroying the ship with it. Even with the fire Obi-Wan could see that the house and the ship were beyond repair. A figure suddenly stepped out of the flames. The flames had veered back making a tunnel a boy walked up behind the man. The man stared at them even when they were hidden. Obi-Wan and Sip got up and approached him. They saw his eyes shocked to see they were blood shot. A Lightsaber hung on the man’s belt. The Lightsaber flew to the man’s hand a second later a Lightsaber also flew to the boy’s hand. The Lightsabers were red showing their league in the dark side. Knowing they were sent from Yoda Obi-Wan and Sip activated their Lightsabers. The blue glow from Obi-Wan’s Lightsaber blazed through the sky as he leaped at the man and clashed his Lightsaber against the man’s. Sip’s green Lightsaber rippled past the man as he charged to the boy to fight him. The red and green Lightsabers clashed over and over as they fought. “Who are who?” Sip asked him. “I am Darth Zeorg, Darth Yoda’s personal apprentice.” “And the man?” “He is Darth Sita, the Sith sent to watch me on my first mission.” “Ah, so Yoda has already found many candidates.” Zeorg nodded then swung his Lightsaber back at Sip. Caught by surprise Sip tumbled to the ground. Zeorg pushed him into a large piece of rubble knocking him unconscious. Obi-Wan swung forward stabbing the Sith in the chest. With a satisfying look, the man fell to the ground dead. He looked up to see the boy, Zeorg that he had heard earlier from the man, charging at him. Their Lightsabers clashed so hard that the great force from Zeorg sent Obi-Wan’s saber flying. Zeorg prepared to kill the former Jedi with a simple stroke with his Lightsaber. Suddenly blaster fire poured toward them as soldiers followed by Sidious’s clone rushed toward them. Using the moment Obi-Wan jumped back grabbed his Lightsaber picked up Sip and ran toward a ship that Padme had found for there escape during the fight. Zeorg watched them leave as they blasted off away from the troops of clones that had attack both the Jedi and Zeorg. He turned and ran from the troops. He used the Force to pick up Sita and throw him into there ship. He ran in and flew to Coruscant to inform him of the new war that was at hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thanks for the credit Darth Grivis. This is probably my favourite Chapter so far, due to the length (In Word, three pages) and many more. Looking foward to the next Chapter (Which I'll edit for you if you wish). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thanks Pottsie Now I darth Grivis AKA Connor since that use to be my name, shall work on chap 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Yeah, i agree, this was the best chapter until now, well done Grivis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 Thanks Jason:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 8, 2006 Author Share Posted October 8, 2006 BIOS: Name: Darth Yoda Age: Over 800 Favorite Weopon: Lightsaber Favorite Saber color:Red Favorite ship: None Favorite force power:Force lightning Apprentic(s): Most all the jedi,Kyp, and Anakin Path: Dark side Species: Unkown Home Planet: Unknown Bio: In chap 6 and this story Aliged: Sith, Empire Name: Kyp Durran/Darth Zeorg Age:14 Favorite Weopon:Lightsaber Favorite Saber Color:Red Favorite Ship:CIS bomber Favorite force power:Grip Apprentice(s) None Master(s) Darth Yoda Path: Dark Side Species: Human Home Planet:Courcant Bio:In chapter 4 Aliged: Sith, Empire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted October 8, 2006 Share Posted October 8, 2006 Good chapter, Darth Grivis. Look forward to see more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Share Posted October 15, 2006 Chapter 8 Yoda’s Civil War Vader flew toward the planet Ilum. The planet Ilum is home of the crystals that give Lightsabers their power and colour. During the long Clone Wars, the CIS launched a attack against Ilum with their Chameleon Droids. Arriss Offee and Luminara Unduli were in one of the caves containing Lightsaber crystals at the time, but soon realized there were too many attackers after fighting some. Seeing this in a vision, Former Jedi Master Yoda had saved them and the caves. Now Yoda had sent Vader to see if there were any Jedi there. If so he was to capture him for there “Experiment” and take all the crystals then fix his mistake. He landed on Coruscant and jumped out of his Sith starfighter. Immediately he felt the vast cold. He had felt it even when he was a kid. He entered the cave and tried to get warm. Suddenly he remembered he had a heating control on his suit. He looked at it and turned it to the best one for the cave. He moved through the cave looking for any lone Jedi. Suddenly a laser blast flew through the cave hurling toward him. He jumped to the side trying to avoid the dangerous blast. A alien from a species that Vader didn’t recognise stepped out of the shadows. Vader pulled out his red Lightsaber and prepared to strike. He charged slashing his red Lightsaber at the neck. The alien pulled out a staff that looked as if it was covered in diamonds. The staff moved to block the attacking Lightsaber. Vader laughed to soon as he thought the Lightsaber would go right through the staff. The blade stopped as it hit the staff. Shocked Vader moved forward to make another attack. The staff suddenly spit out some liquid that covered the floor and his feet. He tried to move but the guck stuck to him and the ground. Suddenly the alien flipped the staff like a whip and wrapped it around him. The end of the staff/whip moved and Vader felt a searing pain in his leg. The whip had bit him. The alien moved forward, and reached out grabbing Vader’s neck crushing all his bones in the neck and the suit’s protective metal around it. _____________________________________________ Obi-Wan sat shocked in Padme’s Cruiser still thinking about the great power the young boy had held. He beat both Sip and me, the thought played over and over in his head. He didn’t like the thought but he accepted it, he needed it. It could help him the next time he meets the Sith. Sip stirred beside him. Obi-Wan saw that Sip now had his eyes open. “What happened?” Sip asked. “You were knocked out called by the boy or Darth Zeorg. I also failed to kill him but I managed to get you out of harms way along with Padme and the children.” Sip groaned as he got up. “You make it sound as this Zeorg is invincible, Obi-Wan.” “Well, he certainly beat us.” “That’s true.” Sip said with a long sigh. Obi-Wan got up and left to see the twins. _____________________________________________ Zeorg landed on Coruscant and jumped out of his ship. “Sir, you are not allowed to park here this is a private area.” A nearby officer told him. “I am Darth Yoda’s personal apprentice and I must see him.” Zeorg told him. “I don’t really care who you are, just get off my property.” Zeorg lifted the man off the ground and tossed him to his death off the landing dock. He then raised the hood over his head and moved into the shadows as he approached the Sith temple. He reached the temple a hour later only to find a Sith standing at the door. “Stop what is your name?” The Sith guard asked him. “I am Darth Zeorg, Darth Yoda’s personal apprentice. And you are?” “Davik Starkiller at your service, I am as you can tell about to shift. Otherwise I would need proof that you’re a Sith, but I see your Lightsaber so you can pass.” Zeorg stood past the guard and headed toward Lord Yoda’s throne room. He entered the throne only to find Yoda waiting for him. “Well?” Yoda demanded. “I destroyed the building as you wanted me to. Then we encountered two Jedi one Obi-Wan Kenobi and the other one I did not recognize. Kenobi killed Lord Sita, I knocked the other Jedi out but failed to kill him. I almost killed Kenobi but a squad of clones and Sidious got in the way.” “Sidious, there has been rumours alive he was or cloned I should say.” “Well he was there my master that is all that I can tell you.” “Very well, dismissed you are.” Zeorg turned and walked away. Ready for the battles of the new Civil War that was at hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Share Posted October 15, 2006 Epilogue The forces of Darth Yoda and Darth Sidious had planned for the Civil War at hand but the War was the worst ever. Troops fought on hazards planets as they clashed in battles after battles against fellow clones… “Prepare troops for the jump to light speed,” TK commanded as the flagship Gordan slowly started out toward Kessel. The planet was the next battlefield of the Galactic Civil War. “Preparing troops.” The voice of the officer beside him responded. “Jumping to Light speed.” The Gordan shot in to hyperspace heading toward Kessel. _____________________________________________ Tarkin entered the command centre of the base on the hazards planet Kessel. “Sir, a flagship just appeared out of Hyperspace.” The first officer told him. “Prepare troops for battle, ready all artillery for battle, we must win.” Tarkin told the Officers. “Yes, sir.” The thought in both TK and Tarkin played in not only their heads but also the troops on both sides: The Battle of Kessel will now begin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Well, since I did beta-read those Chapters, via PM, I've already read them and they're good. I'm looking foward to Part II. Also, are you doing two parts to try and beat me with the amount of Fics in the Jedi Archives? Just wondering. Also, checking the bio for Yoda, I believe he is about nine hundred. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Yeah, the chapter and epilogue where good, and i'm looking forward for part 2. Good luck Grivis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 Well, since I did beta-read those Chapters, via PM, I've already read them and they're good. I'm looking foward to Part II. Also, are you doing two parts to try and beat me with the amount of Fics in the Jedi Archives? Just wondering. Also, checking the bio for Yoda, I believe he is about nine hundred. Whered you get that idea, also I changed my mind im doing a trilogy and yoda might be over 900 but I said over 800 that could mean 1000 or more if I wanted to im to lazy to change it:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Good chapters, that's all I can say. Good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erron the Red Posted May 10, 2007 Share Posted May 10, 2007 This is.. so absolutely bad. As a writer I feel the need to point out how terrible this is, not to be mean, but so you actually realize that it's not good. It's like this. You write something, and it sucks. Not you, the person, you as a figurative idea. It could be anyone. Anyway, someone writes something that sucks. People like the people on this forum don't help the writer to develop their skill with the written word. Saying "Good job!" and "It's great!" are terrible things to say -- it creates a false sense of confidence in one's own ability. In order to be a good writer, you need to have three things going for you. You need a handle on the English language and all of its nuances (Capitalization, punctuation and proper grammar). You need to have proof readers whose grasp of the English language is better than your own. Finally, you need to have a good idea. Not some recycled idea from an established, copyrighted franchise. All that aside, let me pick on a few lines from "Chapter One". "Good that is.” - If this is supposed to be a spoken line from Yoda then it would read “Good, that is.” Here's a snippet of conversation. “Yes” Sidious looked at Organa, “Leave us Organa” “Yes my Honor” Where are the periods? This is what I'm talking about. It isn't well written, but all these sheep keep telling you it's great. The first comment posted after "Chapter One" says that they only noticed one mistake... I've just picked out a whole bunch that don't even include sentence structure or proper layout of dialogue. Welcome to the fanfiction forum. Thanks for your honest assessment. The thread the guys are referring to is The Padawan's Guide to Providing a Good Critique which a lady from kotorfanmedia graciously allowed me to post here on LFN. This is the standard we try to follow here for critiques. Thanks, Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Kalverys Posted May 10, 2007 Share Posted May 10, 2007 First of all... welcome... second... don't revive old threads... and thirdly... There's no need in being so harsh, as Jae has said in the past, do not look ONLY for the bad, but look also for the good. Moderator comment for everyone: If you have problems with a post, click the little yellow dot under the poster's avatar and report the post. Let the moderators do the moderating--someone doesn't need 15 different people telling him to stop reviving old threads or not to be rude. I'm editing any posts where the only goal is to tell someone to follow the rules. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 Erron the Red, welcome to the Forums and while I respect your opinion (at least you aren't a flamer like some people on FanFiction.Net), I have several things to say. 1. Try not to bring back Threads from the dead, unless you are making a long post that has a point, which is this. 2. Some critics do try to pick on the negatives only and not the positives and I've done it sometimes. Jason, Rueben, you can be as critical as you like, just try not to be as harsh as Jae has said in the past. 3. This Fan Fic has recieved beta work from me in the past and yes, there are some mistakes and English might not be his first language, but some writers here have English as their second language and Saruman has done well. Despite this, some of his past work has been worse than this. 4. As Jason said, this is a friendly community. We all help each other point out our strengths and weaknesses and you've done that in a way. Pointed out his weaknesses and as Rueben said, try to point out strengths, since this does make your review harsh, but you aren't as harsh as some reviewers and I respect you for that. 5. You won't be trouble for the Mods for bringing this Thread back, since you've made a long, detailed post on your opinions. Again I respect you for that and maybe Jae or any other Mod may. Finally, you need to have a good idea. Not some recycled idea from an established, copyrighted franchise. 6. This is a Fan Fiction part of this Forum and every Fan Fic here will be written around Star Wars. Just like Fan.Fiction.Net and their respective categories for different things. I myself have started posted Disclaimers for my Fan Fics that say, I don't own Star Wars or anything related to the franchise. Of course none of us own Star Wars, unless we are Lucas himself. 7. There are worse Fan Fic writers around, who even have English as their first language and still can't write for their life. Sorry if I've repeated myself, but I had to get my points across. I hope you make more posts here Erron, since you aren't a flamer and I would respect any post like yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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