Diego Varen Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 None taken CSI. And JediMaster12 is right. In a way. Looking foward to the next Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark_Lady Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Another awesome chapter. Just one question. Why does Arren say "My Honor, please..." Is this some obscure thing I don't know about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 It's grammar and tenses issues. That was my assessment since CSI: Nihilus's first language is not English. Though you have to admit that he's done a good job in conveying his meanings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 [Off-Topic] None taken CSI. And JediMaster12 is right. In a way. Looking foward to the next Chapter. Thanks for the compliments. BTW, How's your Echoes of Darkness and The Young Exile? I like them. Another awesome chapter. Just one question. Why does Arren say "My Honor, please..." Is this some obscure thing I don't know about? Oh, "My Honor" is a typical call for a judge. Right? I'm sorry I didn't clarify this, and I'll try to clarify this next time as I changed "my honor" into "Judge" instead. Thanks for the advice. It's grammar and tenses issues. That was my assessment since CSI: Nihilus's first language is not English. Though you have to admit that he's done a good job in conveying his meanings. Thank you very much for your compliments. Enjoy the new chapter. ----END OF OFF-TOPIC---- [/Off-Topic] Chapter 8 Carth Onasi walked into an accident site. What on Coruscant dispatch called a CSI for a normal accident? Carth wondered. “Hi, Carth. A Human female, mid-20s. Thought you might want to check it out.” A Security Force officer said to Carth. “All right. Thanks, brother.” Carth approached the wrecked land speeder and found a woman sitting in the cockpit: “Hi. Carth Onasi. Criminalist. Mind if I take a look?” He took out a blue-ray flashlight and noticed she was injured on her forehead. The woman regained consciousness and responded: “I don’t know what happened. All I remember was the music that was playing on the radio.” Then she frowned, still looking a little dizzy, “I don’t remember passing out.” “Say ‘ahhh...’” Carth instructed. “What?” “You know, ahhh…” Carth tried to explain with mouth open and made a interesting face of stuck out his tongue and smiled. The woman chuckled and opened her mouth gently: “Ahhh…” Carth looked into her mouth: “No discoloration.” Then he noticed her head injury, “I don’t see anything criminal here.” Then he said to a Security Force officer: “Take her to a hospital and have her checked out.” ---- Outside the Judge’s home, Malak was sitting in his speeder and sighed: “Well, might as well roll the dice; take that a**-whooping.” Then he threw his lightsaber into his glove box. When he got off, he noticed a Security Force’s speeder whooshed down, with siren blaring. Malak sighed and turn around to see two officers climbed out of the speeder: “Police!” Each one had a small blaster in his hand. Perfect. The Security Force never appear in appropriate time. Malak thought. “Put your hands on top of your head and walk backwards towards me.” Malak said nothing and obeyed their order. What a hell day! Malak thought. He lowered his head and turned around, with his hands behind his head and tried to clarify himself: “I’m ID. Check the badge. I’m from the Criminalistics.” One officer walked slowly towards him and said, “Keep your mouth shut and follow my instructions. Now get down on your knees.” The Judge just came out in time. Malak protested quite loudly: “I’m not getting down on my knees for anybody. You can shoot me.” The officer looked a little irritated: “I said get down on your knees!” “Hey!” The Judge said to the officers. Malak looked at the Judge in disbelief and scoffed. “What the hell are you doing? That’s Malak from the ID! Put your blasters away.” The Judge clarified for Carth. “Sorry, Judge. We got a call about a man outside your house. We responded.” The officer replied. “All right. You caught him. Congratulations.” The Judge smiled wryly and said, “Clear out of here before you wake the neighbors.” “Yes sir.” Then the officer called into the intercom: “Dispatch, please be advised the Judge’s residence, a Code Four: false alarm.” Then they flew away quietly. “Malak, what the hell are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Judge.” Malak shrugged, “Captain Kae won’t call you for a search warrant. I got a whopper on the line with a 100-pound test.” “You got a winner for me?” The Judge smiled and said, “I’ll make it worth your while, you give me a name.” “The Bird.” Malak replied. “Oh, I knew it. Listen, kid, I’ll make a deal with you. You put 5000 Republic Credit on the pack for me, I’ll give you a blank warrant. All I ask is that you have the ticket in my chambers before kickoff. You do that, I’ll square it with your Captain.” Judge said. “No problem, Judge.” Then they shook hands. ---- “A Staged Suicide.” The suspect said to Arren, who was walking around him, “You’re kidding, right? I swear on my kids that I never seen that man in my life before.” “Then how the hell did your fingerprints wind up at the scene?” Arren bent down and stared at him into his dark eyes, “We talked to the family. The deceased didn’t even know any Corron Horwalker’s.” “Oh, I…” The door was open and Nihilus walked right in. “Hi, Detective.” Nihilus greeted Arren Kae. She looked at Nihilus as he was the actual suspect. “Would you mind if I…” Nihilus pointed at Corron Horwalker, who was being interrogated by Arren Kae. “Oh, you want a whack at him, Nihilus, be my guest.” Arren shrugged. Corron said nothing; instead his eyes stay fixed on a dark spot on the table. “Hi, Mr. Horwalker, my name is Nihilus.” Nihilus offered Corron a handshake and Corron accepted it, “I work in Criminalistics.” Corron’s eye widened. He never saw any officials so kind to people. “May I ask you a few questions?” Nihilus’s kind request broke the thinking of Corron. “Sure.” “Do you have any hobbies? Like make model airplanes, make toys, wind chimes for the backyard, that sort of thing?” What the hell is this question for? Corron wondered. “No. Why?” Corron asked. “Well, we found some particles of latex on your thumbprint.” Nihilus’s dark eyes showed that he meant no harm. “Would have any reason to have access to that particular substance?” “Well, yeah. Sure. At-at my job.” Corran replied. ---- A while later, Corran led Nihilus and other people into a warehouse. First he saw is rows and rows of shelves of sculptures, both finished and unfinished. Some were even covered with clothes. The light turned on, and it revealed a lot of sculptures like the Halloween on Earth. “Wow, you made all these?” Nihilus admired. “Yes, sir, everything from scratch.” Corran responded proudly, “We mold, carve, shape, paint and authenticate.” “Excellent work.” Nihilus admired while he touched one of the rubber heads, “These seem very real.” “Thanks.” “You ever made rubber hands?” Nihilus asked. “Sure, we do, uh…” He looked around to find the hands. Arren was taking a careful look at a monster’s head (Like Frankenstein’s) and put it back. Nicely done. She thought. Corron bent down and drag a carton out and opened it. Nihilus saw there were a lot of rubber hand and arm cut-offs, with fake blood on them. Then Corron handed Nihilus one of the replicas and said: “This is our best seller, right here. Sold 10,000 of those units last festival. Even used my own hand for the mold.” “These are your prints.” Nihilus thought out aloud. “Yeah, why? What does that mean?” Corran asked. “It means you’re free to go.” Nihilus said at last, “He’s not the guy.” “Nihilus, are you sure?” Arren asked. “That explains the latex and the lecithin. You need oil to make a print.” Nihilus used the Force to illustrate: Using a latex glove, someone was painting oil onto the fake hand. The oil spreads everywhere. “Anyone who purchased one of these hands could be the killer and what is worse, he’s proficient in forensics.” Still holding the fake hand, Nihilus fell quiet and his brain began to work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 [Off-Topic]Thanks for the compliments. BTW, How's your Echoes of Darkness and The Young Exile? I like them. Okay. The new Echoes of Darkness is going great. Back on-topic, this Chapter is really great. You've improved so much. Well done and I'm looking foward to seeing more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Or Notepad (On Computer) or Word . Nice to know it helps you CSI. I myself are learning German or Deutsch. Looking foward to the next Chapter as always and the other CSI Fics to come. I think it's great to learn a different language, but that's best left for the PM system. Time to get back on topic. --Jae Sure thing Jae - Pottsie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Much better CSI. Thoughts are being conveyed better, certain poses and the like. Good job. You did a slight mix-up between Malak and Carth in that scene outside the Judge's home. Very good though and that was an interesting name you picked to play Paul Malander's part for the suicide/homicide case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Much better CSI. Thoughts are being conveyed better, certain poses and the like. Good job. You did a slight mix-up between Malak and Carth in that scene outside the Judge's home. Very good though and that was an interesting name you picked to play Paul Malander's part for the suicide/homicide case. Thanks. You know what the result is on that case? It has 3 parts--2 is in Season 1, and the 3rd part, the final part, is in Season 2, did you watch it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Of course. You are taking to an avid CSI fan. Paul Malander gets caught, blah blah. There is the season in 2002 that I missed some because of TV Nazis that I lived with. Scrubs was the thing then. I meant to say something about the two books that you mention, the Mantle of the Force and Heart of the Guardian. To tell you the truth, Heart of the Guardian is a real book. I wrote it. All three books. The connecting thread is in my siggie. Glad to see me book is being mentioned Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 Of course. You are taking to an avid CSI fan. Paul Malander gets caught, blah blah. There is the season in 2002 that I missed some because of TV Nazis that I lived with. Scrubs was the thing then. I meant to say something about the two books that you mention, the Mantle of the Force and Heart of the Guardian. To tell you the truth, Heart of the Guardian is a real book. I wrote it. All three books. The connecting thread is in my siggie. Glad to see me book is being mentioned No. Paul Millander (Not Malander) didn't get caught. Who told you he got caught? No offense, I don't think you watched Season 2, or did you? Yeah. I know. No problem mentioning the book for you. I just need some book to be in the fic. Nice you like it. @Jae: Thanks for reminder. We'll do it next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Yeah I know Grissom finds him dead in the tub with a bullet in the head. A fish that got away but eventually gets his reward. I do like this fic. It brings a nice change from my conspiracy and deception in my Heart of Deception fic that I am still working on and hanging over Pottsie's head. *holds manuscript over Pottsie's head* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Yeah I know Grissom finds him dead in the tub with a bullet in the head. A fish that got away but eventually gets his reward. I do like this fic. It brings a nice change from my conspiracy and deception in my Heart of Deception fic that I am still working on and hanging over Pottsie's head. *holds manuscript over Pottsie's head* *Go away damn you manuscript!* Looking foward to future Chapters of both this and the Heart of Deception. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 [Off topic: Sorry for this short chapter, I'll leave the climax to Chapter 10.] Chapter 9 “Hey, Dr. Quincy!” Carth Onasi ran to see the doctor. “Hey, what’s up, man? I got your page.” Dr. Quincy turned around and found his best friend, “Have you had any trick rolls lately?” “A tons of them, why?” Carth asked him while they walked in the hallway. “I’ve had six pros come through the ER in the past two nights, Every girl has been mysteriously knocked unconscious and we found some skin discoloration.” Skin discoloration. Carth recalled, that Mukai also had some skin discoloration. “What, skin discoloration? Where, their lips?” “No, their breasts.”edit In the observation room, Carth smiled to the girl: “Hi, we meet again. May I see your discoloration?” “You gonna give me 20 credits?” “You wanna do time?” The girl sighed and took off her tops. [Censored due to inappropriate for underage’s] “You know, I just came from a trick roll downtown.” Carth explained, “The victim’s mouth had similar blotching. Chances are, whatever he ingested orally, you absorbed also, knocking you both out. So I’ll give you a choice. You give back the old man his belongings, you tell me what you girls are using and I won’t have you charged with attempted murder.” Carth’s voice lowered and lowered. “Which is it?” Carth emphasized the sentence. The girl sighed and took out a eyedrop bottle and gave it to Carth. “Eye drops?” Carth said amusedly. ---- In the lab, Tahiti was holding onto the bottle and toying with it: “No, it’s scopolamine. It’s a chemical used for motion sickness. The eyedrop bottle’s a front. One drop of this stuff and she’s out cold.” Carth smiled. [sorry for the inappropriate, CENSORED for Inappropriate images.] After a brief time, the old man edit and fainted onto the bed. While Mukai was unconscious, the girl took all his valuables and flee from the room. Then she drove a speeder, with music turned on, suddenly, she felt dizzy and being knocked down. Carth smiled and covered with his face in proudness. ---- At Rakef Elsiri’s house, Nihilus was talking to Rakef, with Lumel on her side: “We’re ruling out suicide. The evidence leads us to believe that it was in fact a homicide.” Nihilus said emotionlessly. Rakef closed her eyes, while two tears flow out from Lumel’s eyes. “Then he was murdered?” Rakef finally said. “I believe so.” Nihilus said. I know I’m not good at dealing with people, maybe Revan didn’t teach me. Nihilus blamed Revan for that. Closing her eyes again, Rakef sat down heavily on the chair, Lumel patted her shoulder gently to comfort her. “You know, this may sound funny, but I feel better knowing that he didn’t take his own life. To me that would never sit right. He was such a good man…” Then she even laughed. Laughed? Nihilus spoke sincerely: “We’ll find him, Ms. Elsiri, I promise you. There is always a clue. I’ll find it.” She smiled. From her eyes, Nihilus could see bright hope. ---- “You’re off the case.” Arren found Malak and said to him angrily. “What? Why?” Malak protested with his trademark jaw. “Why? You deliberately went over my head, Malak. The phone call from the judge saved your job, but not you’re a**!” Arren now was angrier and angrier, “I want you shadowing Exar. A robbery just came in.” “You can’t do that! Me and Carth are tied!!!” Malak shouted. “Enough!” Arren’s voice covered Malak’s voice, “Nihilus! Have Malak shadow Exar for the next three weeks or until Carth makes his hundredth, whatever comes first.” “I hate you, you know that?” Malak totally lost his temper and pointed at Arren, “People walk away because of you—everyday!” Nihilus hurried up and pulled Malak away: “That’s enough, Malak. Let’s go!” “Damn it, Nihilus, I almost have her a**, too!” Malak complained. “Yes, you had him, and the minute you started thinking about yourself instead of the case, you lost him. There is no room for subjectivity in this apartment, Malak, and you know that! We handle each case objectively without presupposition regardless of race, color, creed, or bubble gum flavor. OK?” After a lengthy lecture, Nihilus walked away. At the door, Exar was looking at Malak innocently, along with all his gears. “Let’s go.” Malak said. Edited for content, and I'm giving you a warning for this one. This is a PG-13/rated T forum, CSI. I saw you had censored in a couple places, but you need to censor more for this TV show--it can be extremely violent and very suggestive at times. You need to re-word or skip the scenes that are too graphic, too suggestive, too descriptive, have nudity, or involve any activity that goes beyond kissing on the lips. Please review the Forum rules and CEC forum rules. I went through and edited out the suggestive or graphic parts, but I'd be inclined to just delete the post next time. Since you are also copying a lot of dialogue from the shows, make sure to give credit to the TV show somewhere. If you have any questions, please PM me. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 It didn't look short to me, but it was a good Chapter. I've never seen so many edits in one Chapter though. Good Chapter and I'm looking foward to the upcoming climax. Wait is Chapter 10 the last Chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 No there's more Pottsie. CSI that was good but like Jae said, watch it on the descriptive images of certain scenes. I remember how graphic it gets. That's why I suggested I beta for you. I can help with that. Nice job by the way. Still some grammar issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Edited for content, and I'm giving you a warning for this one. This is a PG-13/rated T forum, CSI. I saw you had censored in a couple places, but you need to censor more for this TV show--it can be extremely violent and very suggestive at times. You need to re-word or skip the scenes that are too graphic, too suggestive, too descriptive, have nudity, or involve any activity that goes beyond kissing on the lips. Please review the Forum rules and CEC forum rules. I went through and edited out the suggestive or graphic parts, but I'd be inclined to just delete the post next time. Since you are also copying a lot of dialogue from the shows, make sure to give credit to the TV show somewhere. If you have any questions, please PM me. --Jae Oh, yeah...I did credit the TV show, go to my first post, then you'll find it. Thank you for editing the inappropriate content for me. I'm not a native speaker, so for some words, I don't know it is inappropriate. However, thanks again. It didn't look short to me, but it was a good Chapter. I've never seen so many edits in one Chapter though. Good Chapter and I'm looking foward to the upcoming climax. Wait is Chapter 10 the last Chapter? Well, I say it's short because relating to Chapter 8, it's a lot shorter, right? I don't know. But even if Ch. 10 is the last chapter, I still have an epilogy, right? So JM is correct on this one. No there's more Pottsie. CSI that was good but like Jae said, watch it on the descriptive images of certain scenes. I remember how graphic it gets. That's why I suggested I beta for you. I can help with that. Nice job by the way. Still some grammar issues. OK. Thanks to JM. Well, here comes the solution: next time before I post it on LucasForums, I'll let you to Beta-Read it first, OK? Well, I didn't give you to beta Read it because I thought it's after I finished the whole fic and put it in the Archive. Thanks for your kind compliments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Anyone can beta-read at any time--you don't have to wait til the story is finished. I'm revising my story a chapter at a time, and a couple people are beta-reading it for me--they catch a lot of things I don't. When I start the next one, I'll have a beta-reader or two go over it before posting each chapter, too. Their help is invaluable. And for someone speaking English as a second language, I think you're doing pretty darn good with a lot of the writing. I saw the citation in the first post--thanks!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 And for someone speaking English as a second language, I think you're doing pretty darn good with a lot of the writing. I agree with Jae on this one. Most people who don't understand English like you (No offense I hope) don't usually do good in their Fics, but you are. Looking foward to Chapter 10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 At last finished Ch. 10, but JM12 is beta-reading it. But if you guys want me to put on the original version, I will put it on. [it's longest chapter in this fic, so be prepared.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 Longest Chapter in the Fic? No wait until JM12 has beta read it. It will be better than, no offense to you CSI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Longest Chapter in the Fic? No wait until JM12 has beta read it. It will be better than, no offense to you CSI. It's near finished. And I'm writting Epilogue now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 It's near finished. And I'm writting Epilogue now. Let me guess. You'll start the CSI vs CSI Pilot episode. A one-shot I believe? Or maybe not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Let me guess. You'll start the CSI vs CSI Pilot episode. A one-shot I believe? Or maybe not. No, you were right. I'm starting CSI vs CSI: Pilot for next week. Look, you're force Sensitive, admit it. PS: All done by CSI: Coruscant Episode 1. But I don't know where JM12 is. I hope he will put on the Chapter 10 and Epilogue ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 11, 2006 Share Posted November 11, 2006 No, you were right. I'm starting CSI vs CSI: Pilot for next week. Look, you're force Sensitive, admit it. PS: All done by CSI: Coruscant Episode 1. But I don't know where JM12 is. I hope he will put on the Chapter 10 and Epilogue ASAP. Someone believes I'm Force Sensitive now! Anyway, I believe JM12 is a female. I admit that when I joined, I though JM12 was a male, but I found out that JM12 is a female. So CSI vs CSI Pilot is a one-shot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 11, 2006 Author Share Posted November 11, 2006 Someone believes I'm Force Sensitive now! Anyway, I believe JM12 is a female. I admit that when I joined, I though JM12 was a male, but I found out that JM12 is a female. So CSI vs CSI Pilot is a one-shot? How did you find out JM12 is a female? Well, I thought JM is a male, too! Pardon me, what do you mean, "one-shot"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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