[Fic] The Sera Tana Saga

[Diego Varen]

I must have a habit of rushing the ending. Bastila was supposed to talk to Carth about finding Revan, but Carth thinks that the Exile is the only suitable person to find him. I was trying to follow the game dialogue, but I haven't played TSL for a while and I had to guess. However, once I write the Shorties, I'm editing the first part and making it longer with more Chapters, since it seems a bit boring, if I left it like that, since it would be to similar to the Short Fics. Thanks for your helpful critque again JM12.

[Diego Varen]

Here's the first Chapter. It is set a month before the Prologue (All the Chapters are, until the Epilogue), as Malachor V is destroyed. It is a bit short, but I wanted to have TSL's ending in one of my Fics.

 

Chapter I - Escaping Malachor V

One month earlier

 

Kreia, Darth Traya, the Lord of Betrayal, fell to the floor. The duel was over and the Trayus Core was silent. Sera had defeated the one who had retrained her in the ways of the Force. Her master. One of Kreia’s only successful apprentices, after the one she had always loved. Revan. Sera stood alone in the Trayus Core, with Kreia’s lifeless body on the cold platform floor on which Sera stood. What would she do now? Would she wait for her friends to find her? Would she have to find a ship to leave Malachor V? Or would she do what Kreia intended to do? Wait for others to come to Malachor and then train them in the ways of the Force in the Trayus Academy. The silence was interrupted by a rumbling noise. It wasn’t the normal earthquakes and thunderstorms that Malachor normally had. No. This was a powerful earthquake, bringing the Trayus Core around Sera down. Rocks off the walls were collapsing and the bridge that led to the platform in the Trayus Core had been broken. The Mass Shadow Generator had been activated by the Remote. Sera was annoyed. She and the Remote’s owner, Bao-Dur had given strict orders to the Remote to activate it once Sera and her companions were off the planet. Now Sera knew that she would die along with Malachor. The platform was becoming smaller and smaller, parts of it eroding, before breaking apart from the rest of the platform. Sera could hear a rumbling noise, which had joined the noises of the corroding Malachor. It then came to Sera that the noise was familiar. It was the engines of the Ebon Hawk, her ship. Sera knew not to become relaxed. The Hawk might not be able to escape Malachor, if the Trayus Academy was caved in.

 

“Come on!” Bao-Dur shouted, almost falling off the boarding ramp.

 

Sera immediately ran towards the Hawk, leaping onto the boarding ramp, just as the last part of the platform collapsed. As Sera landed inside the ship, she felt her side, which had been hurting, since Sera’s battle with Kreia. Bao-Dur helped Sera up off the floor and took her through to the cockpit where Atton, Mira, Mical the Disciple and the Utility Droid, T3-M4 were in the cockpit. Sera and Bao-Dur joined them in the crowded cockpit.

 

“How much further Atton?” Mical asked, concerned for the fate of everyone in the Hawk, “We got to get out of here!”

 

“Shut up kid!” Atton shouted at him, “I’m trying to concentrate. I’d like to see you pilot this ship.”

 

The Hawk was forced off course, as the ship hit one of the floating rocks that surrounded the Trayus Academy.

 

“Atton what are you trying to do?” Mira asked angrily, “Are you trying to get us to crash into every rock?”

 

Atton sighed as he tried to concentrate on piloting the Hawk. He was about to loose his temper and everyone in the cockpit could tell.

 

“Look! Shut up!” Atton shouted, checking where they were about, before saying, “We’re about to leave Malachor. We’ll live another day.”

 

Sera sat in the co-pilot seat, still clutching onto her side.

 

“Well, that’s nice to know,” She told Atton, looking out, sensing Malachor’s destruction.

 

The echo in the Force had been destroyed. Sera hoped now that the echo wouldn’t harm anyone else in the galaxy. At least this time, the activation of the Mass Shadow Generator destroyed Malachor. Sera sighed, feeling grateful that Atton had managed to get them out of Malachor alive. She didn’t feel well though. The injury Kreia had given her hurt more than she previously thought. Atton turned to see Sera tired and breathing heavily.

 

“Are you alright?” Atton asked, putting the ship’s controls on autopilot.

 

Sera didn’t reply, since she didn’t have the strength. Atton left Sera alone in the cockpit and ran out. Sera wondered if he had gone to find someone to help. Sera’s insight had served her well and Atton soon returned to the cockpit, with Mical.

 

“She doesn’t look well,” Mical told Atton.

 

“You think?” Atton asked rudely, “We need to get her to the med bay.”

 

Without saying anything else, both Atton and Mical grabbed Sera and carried her to the medical bay. She felt hot and both of the two men knew that she needed medical attention straight away. When they reached the medical bay, Mical stayed in the medical bay with Sera. She would need to recover and they wouldn’t consider going anywhere, until Sera was better. Mical was the only person who would keep an eye on her. For now.

[Jason Skywalker]

WOO! You're back and with a vengeance! Okay, maybe not, lol .

 

Good chapter, nice to see another perspective of the TSL ending.

[JediMaster12]

Nice to see that you finally began this Pottsie and to think I didn't need Kujo my killer pencil to prod you

 

*clears throat*

 

It behooves me to say that I was disappointed with your ending of the escape Pottsie. It wasn't that it was rushed but I felt that there was a lack of detail that gave the image of tension and nerves shattering in an attempt to escape. I would have expected to see Atton gazing intently out of the screen, watching intently what was going on outside the Hawk. I couldn't tell if you were attempting to make Mical like David from Independence day with the "Must go faster, must go faster,go go go go go!" thing. If that were the case, I would have added a bit more fervency in Mical's voice, maybe Mira interjecting to the ship getting hit by rock like, "Atton are you trying to hit every rock?" or something like that. It would add to the tension and justify Atton's outburst of "shut up!"

 

The very end I think was weak in that you didn't portray the relief that comes from just having escaped. Most people I have read mention like they felt the loss of the adrenaline rush or something of that nature. I don't know but somehow I get the feeling that you didn't put that much effort into this chapter as you did with the previous and your best shortie in the other thread. I apologize if I seem overly crtical but this chapter seems to make your bounty hunter piece sound better. I don't know if it was a drabble that you had in mind or something but I have seen you do better and I hope it is nothing serious that affects your writing.

[Diego Varen]

The first Chapter has recieved some edits. I hope it is a lot better now and the Prologue may also recieve the same treatment.

[Jason Skywalker]

MUCH better. Good job Topsite. Didn't catch any errors, and it seemed to me more realistic.

[JediMaster12]

I read Chapter One again and I have to say that it is much better Topsite. BTW, that is a nice anagram of Pottsie. If you think this will keep you safe from the flying manuscript, then you are sadly mistaken

 

Anyway, I see that you put alot more detail into the chapter regarding Atton and his trying to fly out of the Trayus Core. The sarcasm does Atton sound justice. You did have a grammar error. It is "lose" not "loose." That taken in wrong context could proove Atton to be a ladies man. I suggest going back and looking for stuff like that. Also you left us hanging. You mentioned Mira but you didn't say if she left or stayed in the cockpit since she said that comment to Atton on the way out. It seems that when you attempted to correct one thing, you left holes, like you had the idea and it died by the wayside. If you do that, then you leave us as readers unsatisfied in completion. Your attempt was good and I hope you continue to make improvements.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks JM12. I will be doing several edits, etc, similar to what Jae is doing with The Adventures of Jolee Bindo. If anyone is interested in being a Beta Reader, please PM me.

[JediMaster12]

No problem. I think I will enjoy this fic as you o along. You can always use me as a beta. You know of my qualifications

[Jae Onasi]

Thanks JM12. I will be doing several edits, etc, similar to what Jae is doing with The Adventures of Jolee Bindo. If anyone is interested in being a Beta Reader, please PM me.

 

If your revisions go anything like mine, you'll be tickled at how much your writing has changed/improved over the course of a year. It's worth the work.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks JM12 and Jae. I believe I have improved, but even I need advice.

[JediMaster12]

Everyone does Topsite aka Pottsie

 

A good writer constantly edits their work. After walking away from a piece for awhile and then come back, you see what you missed. Wish ya luck.

[Daft Adidas]

ok cool i like i did say in the other one with the short fics that i might not be able to read all the saga but i can now. So are all the ten going to be posted here or on the other one?

[Diego Varen]

Well all the Shorties will be posted in the other Thread, but once I finish the first part of the Saga, Jae has offered to merge the Shortie Thread with this one. Thanks for the interest Aida.

[Daft Adidas]

no problems can't wait to read more of the main fanfictions.

 

[Thinking}Hmm, my fic needs working on[/Thinking]

[Diego Varen]

Also, since Valentine's Day is coming up, I've decided to make the second two Parter Fics as Poems of love. One from Sera/Revan and the other from Atton/Bastila. What do you think (I'll be doing both Sera and Revan, since they're in the Unknown Regions)? This could change though, with Sera sending love poems to both Revan and Atton.

[Jason Skywalker]

I saw just Atton, because i believe she has gotten over Revan and that all she is now to him is his friend and his loyal dvukh (sorry Tysy ).

[Diego Varen]

I doubt Tysy is even reading this Thread Jason. Anyway, this first Poem isn't about love, but it is about Sera and Atton's relationship, after finding out he was an assassin. I'm no good at poems, but see what you think and this is the first time I've ever posted a poem on LF.

 

Revelations

 

On Dantooine, as I looked in the river,

Thinking about what you said,

Your words made my soul shiver.

Were you really an assassin?

Were you already dead?

You made me doubt you.

 

Revelations are hard things to take in,

For it is a sin,

When you’ve been told a shocking.

 

We met on Peragus and you thought I was a miner,

And you expected a date with your newest diner,

But I was hard to get.

Over time, many joined us,

You caused a fuss,

But you never told me anything much.

 

Revelations are hard things to take in,

For it is a sin,

When you’ve been told a shocking.

 

Kreia always hated you and I can see why,

For only fools fly,

But you weren’t no fool,

You played it cool.

I knew that I couldn’t do that.

 

Revelations are hard things to take in,

For it is a sin,

When you’ve been told something shocking.

 

After this,

I’m not sure if I can trust or love you,

But without you, we wouldn’t get anywhere.

As I stop and stare,

I wonder if I can ever trust you again.

[Daft Adidas]

[big clapping]Yeah well done Topps![/big clapping]

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Aida. I've just realised I posted Revelations in the wrong Thread. I was tired last night.

[Diego Varen]

Chapter II - Dead or Alive?

Sera was still unconscious and she had been in that condition for two days. Everyone in the Hawk was worried and they wondered if Sera was still alive. Atton took the decision into his hands that they should all stay strong for her, but as time passed, Atton was starting to doubt himself. Everyone agreed with Atton’s decision and continued as normal, but they were also starting to doubt themselves and each other. Atton wondered if the stress of being inside the Hawk was getting to them. He had promised the crew that when, or if, Sera woke up, they would take some time off to relax.

 

Atton entered the med bay. Mical and the Miraluka, Visas Marr sat around Sera, waiting to see if her condition changed. The Assassin Droid, HK-47 was also there with them.

 

“Statement: Meatbag, the master hasn’t awoken from her sleep yet,” HK told Atton.

 

Atton sat down in between Mical and Visas. HK’s words had made Atton even more stressed. He wished that he didn’t have to look after the crew, but Atton knew that he was one of the only people Sera could trust. Atton was sure that she trusted everyone in the crew, but she and Atton were in love and when she found out he was an assassin, Atton knew that he had to make it up to her. Not like this though. He wanted to take her and the others away to somewhere where they could relax.

 

“Get lost HK,” Atton told HK rudely, “Go and polish your rifle or something.”

 

HK grabbed his rifle, which he had left on the bed and walked off. As always, HK had to have the last word.

 

“Statement: I’m sorry meatbag, I was fearing for the master’s health.”

 

HK left the med bay and Atton, Mical and Visas sat around Sera. Mical stood up and also left the med bay. Atton wasn’t sure if he was coming back, so he didn’t bother going after him. Atton grabbed Sera’s hand. She wasn’t too hot or too cold. Her temperature was stable. That was a good sign.

 

“There are many scars that may never heal,” Visas began, quietly, “The Exile is deeply wounded and it may take a long time for her to return to us.”

 

Atton sighed. He knew Visas was right. What if she never woke up? What would Atton do? Not only did Atton fear for Sera’s life, but he also feared for his future. Two days had passed and Sera was still unconscious. How much longer would Sera be in her current condition? A week? A month? A year? Atton didn’t know if he could cope with it. Normally, Atton wouldn’t have cared what happened to people. It was their life and it was how they would end up. But not Sera. No, she had years ahead of her. If Sera died, Atton would feel like his new life was wasted. He had helped her off Peragus and told the truth of his life that had haunted him for years. She had gained his trust and when Atton told her the truth, their relationship grew stronger and they fell in love.

 

“Atton,” Mical whispered, disturbing Atton from his thoughts, “Are you alright?”

 

Atton noticed that Mical had re-entered the med bay. For once, Atton was grateful that Mical was here. He was probably the reason why Sera was still alive now. Atton had always been jealous of Mical, because he had known Sera a lot longer than he had and that Mical always seemed to follow Sera, wherever she went. Atton had always wondered if Sera had loved Mical. But Atton and Mical both knew that she was in love with Atton. Mical was just a close friend from before the Mandalorian Wars.

 

“Listen, kid, I need to talk to you,” Atton told Mical, before staring at Visas, “In private.”

 

Visas left the med bay. Atton guessed that she would probably meditate in the starboard dormitory.

 

While Atton waiting for Visas to be out of sight and earshot, he thought of his favourite game, Pazaak. Sera had learnt that he liked to play Pazaak in his head. Atton was remembering his last Pazaak game with the Twi’lek, Dahnis on Nar Shaddaa. He had won that game for Sera. That thought was one of the only thoughts that kept Atton going, during his last two days on the Hawk.

 

As soon as Atton was sure that Visas and the rest of the crew were out of sight and earshot, Atton shut the med bay door and returned to his seat.

 

“Look kid, you are a great help to me,” Atton told him, “I mean Sera. I mean, I’ve never got on with you, since I met you and I have no reason to now, but I… we need you.”

 

“Need me?” Mical asked.

 

Atton nodded.

 

“Yes,” Atton continued, “You are the only person capable of making sure Sera pulls through. I want you to look after her as much as you can and if you can do that, I’ll be forever grateful to you.”

 

Both Atton and Mical stood up. Atton nodded to Mical, before opening the med bay door and returning to the cockpit. All Atton could hope for now was that Mical would stick to his promise and that Sera would return. Atton didn’t want Sera to die and he knew that only Mical could prevent that from happening.

 

*****

 

Visas sat down to mediate where she normally meditated. Ever since redeeming herself from the dark side, Visas no longer felt the pain of her home world being destroyed by her previous master, Darth Nihilus. Now, she reflected on her future. As she meditated, her mind began to echo with dark thoughts. Her dark past had returned to Visas, reminding her of the pain and destruction of her home world and it’s people. Suddenly, Visas could hear Nihilus’ voice echo inside her mind.

 

“No,” Visas spoke to her mind, “No! I no longer serve the dark path! I never will!”

 

Nihilus’ voice continued to echo, Visas tried to forget her dark thoughts.

 

“No!” Visas shouted, “I won’t let you take the Exile. I won’t!”

 

*****

 

Atton sat in the cockpit, checking the ship’s position. They were in the middle of nowhere of space. There were so many stars, but no single planet. Then again, Atton hadn’t been letting the Hawk travel much, since Sera became unconscious. Atton heard footsteps behind him. It was Bao-Dur.

 

“Atton,” He began, “How is the General?”

 

Atton sighed. He knew how much Sera didn’t like being called General.

 

“Touched a nerve did I?” Bao-Dur asked, sitting down in the co pilot seat, “I suppose the General doesn’t want to remember the war. I agree nor do I, but General was her title, during the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi always insisted that…”

 

“Just shut up Bao-Dur!” Atton shouted, punching the controls angrily, “Just shut up! I can’t cope. I can’t cope anymore.”

 

He fell to his knees, upset. Bao-Dur remained silent as he walked over to Atton and helped him up. He comforted Atton, letting him be upset, which he hadn’t been able to be for a long time.

 

“It’s okay Atton,” Bao-Dur told him, “She’ll pull through, I knew she will. She is a strong person and the Mandalorian Wars made her a stronger person. Just like me and I’m sure you’re a stronger person since the war. Just relax for a while. You’re trying to hard. I’m sure the Gen… I mean, Sera, won’t want to see you like this. Please relax. If not for me, for her.”

 

Bao-Dur left the cockpit, leaving Atton alone in the cockpit. Atton hoped Bao-Dur was right. He wondered if after his breakdown, if he could cope anymore.

[Daft Adidas]

that was an interesting small talk between Atton and Mical there. Nice work.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Aida. I don't know how many Chapters I'm planning for this Fic, but at least five Chapters.

[Daft Adidas]

make it twenty, i like twenty, i like long fics but hey it's your fic make it 101 if you have too!

[JediMaster12]

I hope you don't write like me and have 50 like HoD

 

Anyway critique time!

 

First off: What happened Topsite? You did beautifully the first time around and now we have this! I am not complaining about the shortness but more or less abut the content. It seemed as if this chapter had been rushed through and not given the same consideration as the Bastila-Carth-Exile bit. I keep referring to it because I believe that was the best I had ever seen you do from what I have read of your work. Must I send the flying manuscript after you again?

 

Everyone was becoming worried at her condition, they wondered if she was still alive.

These should be separated as they are two separate thoughts or place a semi colon where the comma is. Proper grammar. Also within the first paragraph, I would have put more as to how every person is dealing with Sera's condition. Maybe convey the feeling that people are moving partially alive or something like that. Puts more emphasis as to that feeling of a loss of what to do next. After all the Exile was their fearless leader and when the leadership is compromised, sometimes you get chaos of a sort.

 

Since it was Atton that suggested that the crew should stay strong, perhaps you could embelish on his personal thoughts and what he was doing. Maybe excessive pacing over figuring out what to do. Maybe he is shuffling his pazaak deck. Most peopel when they are agitated or worried tend to do things like pace or play with something in their hands. Me, I like to twirl my pencil or chew on it for a bit. That also helps me think.

 

I would shorten medical bay into med bay. It is easier on the mouth and fits better with the setting. Also it reflects language styles of the author. I read Betty Neels and for the medical departments she calls them wards, etc. I'm not saying to be proper and all but from your comments and your style, you write in a more relaxed form of English with a tendency for slang like meds for medicine and the like. Also the types of words used give indication into personality. You have probably seen this in HoD with my senator and how she addresses Congress. Since Atton is the main focus, I suggest vocabulary and sentence structure befitting a scoundrel turned Jedi, I am assuming of course.

 

Mical and the Miraluka, Visas Marr were with her and the two of them remained silent, as Atton took a seat. Mical nodded to Atton, indicating that he would be back in a minute, leaving Atton with Visas.

When you introduce Mical and Visas, what were they doing besides being there? I know some people are there to be there at times but maybe they could be doing something. Say maybe Mical is checking vitals or something and Visas has that posture she has when meditating. Proven fact that people just don't stand there doing nothing. I think that maybe they should have been introduced being productive in terms of making sure Sera was comfortable to make way for recovery.

 

The paragraph where Atton figures Visas to be right was good but I think it could be better in that maybe he reflects more on Sera and her effects on everyone and now with the situation how it is, question what is going to happen. When Mical retrns, I would have made a better transition, maybe saying: When Mical finally returned from whatever he was doing, Atton spoke for the first time since he entered the med bay, "..." and go on from there. Transitional sentences that belie impatience or the feeling of the person abotu to speak bring out more of the feeling you are trying to convey.

 

Mical stood up and shook Atton’s hand.

With this I would have had Mical look at Atton for a moment. Since it is a hard thing for Atton to admit that he trusts Mical and given that he has never shown any liking for him, Mical would be in the right mind to question Atton's intentions. True that he does come of as naive at times but even the most naive person would question if normal behavior isn't shown. In this case, Atton is admitting trust, something that doesn't seem to come easy for him.

 

Instead of just 'Thank you' from Atton and having him return to the cockpit. Before the thanks, you could say that Atton felt a great weight lift off his shoulders or something like that. After all, he just admitted to trusting Mical. There had to be some room for doubt that Mical would turn nasty and refuse or mock Atton. Also it is the relief that Sera would be in safe hands.

 

Before the last paragraph, you could have a paragraph saying something along the lines that Mical watched him leave but Atton being unaware that Mical already regarded him as a trustworthy companion since we are dealing with that issue of trust.

 

As Atton left the medical bay, he hoped Mical would truly keep his promise. Atton didn't want Sera to die and he was sure that Mical didn't want to either. That was one of the other reasons why Atton trusted Mical and none of the others.

That first sentence, well I don't think Atton would have hoped. After all that discussion before he left the med bay, I would think he would know that Mical would keep to his promise. This is strictly from assumptions made while observing the cutscenes of the game. The last sentence I think could have been done better. I would have said: Other than that, there were other reasons why he trusted Mical and not the others. It still gives that mysterious feeling that something is not all right with the galaxy and gives the idea that there is a reason that Atton feels that it is the galaxy versus him and Mical.

 

Well it looks like I really butchered you on this one Topsite. Sorry for being the nag but after that first segment of this fic, I keep hoping that you follow what you started. You have a good idea and I'd like to see where it goes. You do seem to get minimal problems in the complexity of human emotions but that can be remedied by the RP strategy. Like what I suggested for your poems, put youorself in the shoes of your character. Think of a simple question, a good probing one that you want to spark the emotion you are trying to convey and then respond to it in the way you think the character would respond. Believe me it makes the characters become much more real and it wouldn't suprise me if other fiction author do that to some degree when they are in a sticky spot with their dialogue. On a whole Topsite, I think this chapter could have been done much better. At least it is no where near as bad as the shortie involving the bounty hunter. Keep your chin up.