Rabish Bini Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 An entry for Javyar's contest, enjoy. As winds swept Through clear skies I couldn't believe my eyes An angel there Right before me And only her could I see The land stood quiet An uneasy hush Her hair so lush All around me Angels sing And bells ring Until this day Of her I dream Of her i'm keen So hear me say I'm in love Like two beautiful doves -Matt G 12/02/07 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 I like this poem Akuma. You're a much more talented poem writer than I and this poem doesn't really require much thinking to think about, if you know what I mean. Now, I'm just wondering what to vote for, since I'm reading everyone's Fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stingerhs Posted March 3, 2007 Share Posted March 3, 2007 i actually don't do much in the way of poetry, but this is a nice little piece. the rhythm holds its own and is helped out with the shorter lines. i'm a little confused with the rhyming scheme, though, as the first line of each stanza lacks a matching rhyme (unless i'm missing something which is a possibility). my singular complaint: there's absolutely no reference to Star Wars. i'm not sure if it was in the rules, but it was something that i was expecting. still, its a good piece that works rather well. score: 7/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I have to go with stingerhs that there does seem to be little connection to the Star Wars theme. Reading it again I think your attempt was to convey Atton's thought's when he first met the Exile. What would have been better is if you made specific references to certain dialogue like her showing up in her underwear or something. Maybe a reference to spacing the old witch. It would then sound more like Atton. You do have a nice flow to it and it sounds sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I agree it's a sweet poem, I like the rhythm. The meter and rhyming change a bit from stanza to stanza, but it's not overly distracting because you try to keep the a-b-b scheme throughout the piece. I agree that it should be Star Wars related, and this is generic enough that it doesn't meet that criteria (the angel reference could be very vaguely construed to be Atton), but nonetheless I liked the imagery this piece evoked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted March 7, 2007 Author Share Posted March 7, 2007 One word: Whoops. I knew it was lacking something, I just couldn't put my finger on it though, and it was one of the biggest things, there's nothing about Star Wars! Whoops. Well, at least you liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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