[Poem] Of her I dream

[Rabish Bini]

An entry for Javyar's contest, enjoy.

 

As winds swept

Through clear skies

I couldn't believe my eyes

 

An angel there

Right before me

And only her could I see

 

The land stood quiet

An uneasy hush

Her hair so lush

 

All around me

Angels sing

And bells ring

 

Until this day

Of her I dream

Of her i'm keen

 

So hear me say

I'm in love

Like two beautiful doves

-Matt G 12/02/07

[Diego Varen]

I like this poem Akuma. You're a much more talented poem writer than I and this poem doesn't really require much thinking to think about, if you know what I mean. Now, I'm just wondering what to vote for, since I'm reading everyone's Fic.

[stingerhs]

i actually don't do much in the way of poetry, but this is a nice little piece. the rhythm holds its own and is helped out with the shorter lines. i'm a little confused with the rhyming scheme, though, as the first line of each stanza lacks a matching rhyme (unless i'm missing something which is a possibility). my singular complaint: there's absolutely no reference to Star Wars. i'm not sure if it was in the rules, but it was something that i was expecting.

 

still, its a good piece that works rather well. score: 7/10

[JediMaster12]

I have to go with stingerhs that there does seem to be little connection to the Star Wars theme. Reading it again I think your attempt was to convey Atton's thought's when he first met the Exile. What would have been better is if you made specific references to certain dialogue like her showing up in her underwear or something. Maybe a reference to spacing the old witch. It would then sound more like Atton. You do have a nice flow to it and it sounds sweet.

[Jae Onasi]

I agree it's a sweet poem, I like the rhythm. The meter and rhyming change a bit from stanza to stanza, but it's not overly distracting because you try to keep the a-b-b scheme throughout the piece. I agree that it should be Star Wars related, and this is generic enough that it doesn't meet that criteria (the angel reference could be very vaguely construed to be Atton), but nonetheless I liked the imagery this piece evoked.

[Rabish Bini]

One word: Whoops.

 

I knew it was lacking something, I just couldn't put my finger on it though, and it was one of the biggest things, there's nothing about Star Wars! Whoops.

Well, at least you liked it.