[Short Fic]Juhani's Death

[Darth Kalverys]

Juhani's Death

 

 

Juhani stood in the grove, some mysterious Jedi Padawan stood before her.

 

"Who are you?" Juhani asked.

 

"My name is Radwan Shiloh." The Padawan said.

 

"What do you want?" Juhani asked.

 

"The Council sent me here to cleanse the grove of the taint of the Darkside." Radwan said.

 

"Why then, when you bested me so easily, did you not simply kill me?" Juhani asked.

 

Juhani stared at Radwan, and could tell that he was trying to decide his words carefully.

 

"You're right... now... this grove is mine!" He blurted out.

 

Juhani's red lightsaber activated and she started trying to hit Radwan in the side, to cut him in half. Radawan was far more powerful than she was, both in the Force and in Lightsaber combat... it was only a matter of time that he had cut her hand off and stood there with both red and yellow lightsaber at her throat. He stared at her and felt a little bit of innocence return to her, but he sliced of the young Cathar's head... killing the last of the Cathar race. Her body was laying there in the grove, until Radwan took her Dark Jedi robes off of her and cut her into a thousand little pieces, and put the robe on. Her body disappeared, the Darkside consumed her body, a few minutes after Radwan left.

[Sabretooth]

Now I really don't comment on Fics a lot, but this one begs for it -

 

Is that all? It could have been a little longer, or a bit more detailed. The characters seem very shallow and the story too rushed - in fact, it seems like a rushed excerpt from the first draft of a KotOR novelization.

 

I mean no offence, Rueben, but I'm sorry to say that I really did not like this fic.

[Jae Onasi]

Rueben, it takes a lot of courage to post a fic for critique so you should be commended for that. Sometimes it's hard to hear what we've done wrong.

Sabre--the story is shallow and rushed because we're not able to see how the characters feel or what drives them to do what they're doing.

I know you can see what's going on Rueben, but the rest of us can't see what concepts you've thought up. Since we can't see what you see, you need to paint us a word-picture using lots of details and using conversation or descriptions of facial expressions and body language to help us develop the image. Keep going--it gets easier and better the more you write.

[Diego Varen]

Sorry Rueben, I have to agree with both Sabre and Jae and I mean no offence either.

 

First off, I think Chaos in the Republic is much better than this, The Destruction of the Star Forge, A Jedi Attachment and Darth Revan's Poetry Journal, but poems can probably get away with it.

 

Why an outburst of Short Fan Fics I have no idea, but none of them are as good as your long Fan Fic. Just because it is a short Fan Fic, doesn't mean it has to be a paragraph long.

 

I can't really comment on this or any of the others, but Chaos in the Republic is much better than this and you are capable of better. Sorry.

[Rabish Bini]

I'll agree with the others, your capable of stuff better than this. Just keep at it and you'll get better.

[Lord Spitfire]

Err . . .

 

It was really short, and the there were really few details. I couldn't really picture anything. And fics are not one paragraph long. The duel was over in two sentances, and even everything else was rushed.

 

It reflected no feelings at all from any of the characters you just listed the things they did in a few sentances and threw them on, and that was the end of the Fic. There were no expressions or details movements at all. As Jae said, the characters are flat and have no explanations of their thoughts of reasons.

 

Sorry, but . . . you need to improve your fics.

 

Now I challenge you to find as many good things as you did bad--criticism is not just about finding the negatives. I can see the good things, but I'm going to leave it to you as a good exercise on giving positive as well as negative criticism. Please see the Padawan's Guide to Providing Good Critiques --Jae

[Darth Kalverys]

Yeah... ok... I know that this did seem a bit rushed, because it was. My computer broke down and so I had to cut a lot of it, because my parents were ready to leave... so I typed it quickly, because I had to. Now when I get my new computer, which will be some time, then I can actually expand this.

 

(That and I'm not really a Short Story writer...)

[Sabretooth]

Well, one of the most important rules of fanfiction writing is - Never Rush! If you have Word, type down a story in it, read it and edit it till it feels perfect. If you have no Word, then atleast grab that Wordpad/Notepad. It doesn't have spelling and grammar checks, but you'll manage, because I really didn't see any sp/gr errors in your writing.

 

You said you were to leave and so you rushed... Well, you could have written this in notepad and edited when you came back.

 

Another great idea is to get a proofreader. If you have a fellow SW buddy, or heck, somebody you know well here, you can send him your finished work and he'll tell you how it is in general, so you can improve it one last time before you post it.

[Darth Kalverys]

Here we go... I re-wrote the entire thing in school... I believe you'll find this one a LITTLE more suitable than the other one

[Darth Kalverys]

Juhani's Death

 

 

The mysterious padawan stared her in the eye, his deep blue eyes gave off an icy glare. She felt a hint of the Darkside in him. Long brown hair hung to his shoulders, lightsaber in hand.

 

With one swift movement, her lightsaber was in her hand and active... it's hum was very blood thirsty. The padawan immeadiately turned on his blood red double-bladed lightsaber. Both red sabers clashed, the padawan had cut her up, she was bleeding from head to toe.

 

She put away her lightsaber, the padawan did the same.

 

"Who are you?" She asked the padawan.

 

"My name is Radwan Shiloh." The padawan said. "But who are you?"

 

"I am Juhani and this is my grove. This is the place you invaded, the place of my solace." She said.

 

"And now, I'll take it from you." Radwan said.

 

Both lightsabers were flashing again. Juhani twirled hers, ready to strike like a snake. Radwan's lightsaber dodged every move, causing blood red sparks to fly from the sabers. Then she decided it was time to go on the defensive, which was her final mistake. Radwan easily cut her lightsaber in half; leaving her kneeling on the ground, begging for her life.

 

Radwan smiled, a smile that would send chills up your spine. One end of his lightsaber came down on her shoulder, the other one sliced her head clean off.

 

"Tsk... tsk... tsk... poor little Jedi girl." He said, then he silently left the tainted grove... to search after whatever it was his hero, Revan, had found.

[Sabretooth]

Now that was much better.

 

First of all, it feels like a complete story and the characters seem more alive this time. Your descriptions were very inventive, too. While I expected some descriptors during the conversation, that can probably be overlooked. Regardless, it is a large improvement over the old one. Keep writing like this, and we'll see you as a star one day.

[Lord Spitfire]

Wow.

 

That was EXTREMELY better!

 

Just a little bit longer, more on the battle sequence, and its very nice!