[fic] Shrouded in Darkness: Yuthura Ban's Tale

[Burnseyy]

i really like how this story is going [: (only read first 2 chapters) i loved how you portrayed Yuthura - i never really managed to discover her WHOLE past, because it was the first planet i visited. =/

awesome work. i'll deffo be back to read it.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Shortly after my arrival, I went directly to one of the lavatories to wash away the filth of Nar Shadda. I didn’t go to great efforts to inform anyone that I returned... I just wanted to be alone.

 

Sitting in the bath seemed soothing both to my flesh and to my mind... as if I could wash away the last three days. The truth was that no amount of water could make me feel clean. I knew I was at the mercy of that hutt and I got to a point where it became natural for me to follow his every order without question. I knew that I surrendered myself to Fasa because I knew I was trapped and had no means of escape.

 

As I looked back upon what I had done, I could not believe that I endured for so long without using my force abilities. I wish I could say that it was out of self restraint, but I know exactly what happened... it was instinct for me to not act. If I had been exposed as a jedi, that explosive within my shock collar would have enslaved not only my body, but my force abilities as well. I was more afraid of becoming his weapon than becoming his pleasure slave. The thought made me weep.

 

When my sobs began to echo off the walls, I heard a knock on the door. My mind was in so much chaos that I didn’t feel anyone was there. After a long moment, I gave a reply. “Yes?”

 

“It’s Alfred.”

 

Without any thought, I just unlocked the door and pulled it open. Normally, I wouldn’t allow anyone to see me in this state... not even Trevelyan. Alfred was the only exception to that. He has seen me weakened so many times that I was almost comfortable with it.

 

He quickly paced in, glanced upon me in the tub, and then turned his head away.

 

The expression he displayed made me laugh. “You’ve never seen me before... have you?”

 

“I wish you had let me know...”

 

“This is a bathroom. What else would you expect?”

 

“I heard you crying. I wanted to see if you were alright.” He said, still not facing me.

 

“You don’t have to turn your head. It’s alright.”

 

He turned so he could see me in the corner of his eye. “Would you mind putting something on instead?”

 

I chuckled at how uncomfortable this must make him. He doesn’t seem to realize that I’m the one who’s exposed. I stood out of the water and wrapped myself in a towel. “Better?”

 

“A little.” We both smiled at each other and sat down on a bench laying on the other side of the room. He saw the tattoos on my leg and stared at them for a moment. “I felt great discord within you and wanted to know if I could help you through it.”

 

I dropped my head in despair. “You know what happened in the last few day?”

 

He nodded. “Zez Kae Ell contacted me after you had infiltrated the hutt’s palace. He wasn’t aware that you were acting on your own without the approval of the Council or me. By that time... there was nothing to do except wait and hope you’d make it back.” He looked at me, worried. “When you did, he said you were in terrible shape. I hoped he was exaggerating.”

 

I stared at him, trying not to display how I really felt. What Alfred said scared me... I didn’t want him to worry. “It was just a terrible experience. I’ve been through worse.”

 

“Do you want to tell me of it?”

 

I shook my head, almost from fear. “No. I don’t want to remember any of it.”

 

He got on a knee in front of me. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think...”

 

I stood up and almost dropped my towel. “You don’t know anything about it! I don’t want to talk of it!”

 

He reluctantly nodded.

 

I was ashamed of my outburst. He didn’t deserve to be yelled at. “I’m sorry. It was a terrible place and I just want to forget it. I didn’t mean to lash at you.”

 

“It’s alright. I just wanted you to know that if you need anything...”

 

“I just want to be left alone.”

 

He nodded. “Remember that you do have friends to turn to. Don’t hesitate to receive help from them... they know you would do the same for them. A jedi is never alone.”

 

I almost saw tears in his eyes as he said his piece. I think he knew I was about to isolate myself from the galaxy. There was no reason to share my story with everyone else. I was disgusted with myself and didn’t want anyone to think any lower of me.

 

After Alfred left me alone, I started sobbing again. When I trained to be a jedi, I came to believe that I would never be controlled through fear again. I thought that I would never be coerced into acting against what I knew to be right. There was no way to deny what I did. When I was on Nar Shadaa... I surrendered myself to Fasa.

 

-----

 

For nearly a week, I kept myself hidden from the rest of the galaxy. The Council had been informed by Zez Kae Ell that I suffered a traumatic experience and they’ve granted me medical leave. They’ve even arranged for me see a councilor about my psychological dilemma.

 

At first, I played along with it, but I wasn’t willing to share what happened on Nar Shadaa. Since she didn’t know about what happened, she started asking me personal questions about slavery and my feelings. She clearly knew nothing of being a slave and I wasn’t inclined to tell her, so I stopped wasting her time after the third session.

 

Alfred tried to help me as well, but I didn’t want him to see me in my condition. I knew he had my best interests at heart, but I didn’t want him to know what happened in Fasa’s palace. I didn’t want anything other than to be alone. He knew that he couldn’t help me through this, so he honored my request.

 

Trevelyan was away on a mission, so I didn’t have to worry about him hounding me to spill my guts to him. The others didn’t seem to understand that I wanted solitude. When Master Zhar tried to get me out of my quarters through force, I used the force to throw him out. He didn’t take too kindly to that, but he understood that I wouldn’t leave my quarters unless I chose to do so.

 

When I did leave, it was either to go to a local cantina or to restock my stash of black ale. Since I didn’t have any duties to tend to, I just tried to shut everything out. While I was on Korriban, I just drank when I needed to. Now, I couldn’t seem to do anything else but down one bottle after another. I knew I was slowly killing myself, but it may have been because I didn’t have the courage to do it quickly.

 

When Trevelyan finally came back five days later, he seemed to think that his presence was just what I needed... self-centered bastard. He wouldn’t know how to handle me... he knew nothing about why I suffered each day. What chance did he have at easing my pain?

 

“You’ve missed your last two counseling sessions. You’ve refused to leave this room other than to intoxicate yourself. You attacked Master Zhar. Everyone...” Trevelyan said.

 

“I didn’t attack him. When he tried to coerce me out, I threw him there instead.” I was sitting cross-legged on the floor with my back to him.

 

“He was trying to help you... we all are.”

 

“Maybe I don’t want your help! What if I’m happy the way things are?”

 

He got on a knee in front of me. “But you’re not. Something happened to you on Nar Shadaa.” He cautiously placed his hands on my shoulders. “What was it?”

 

“You wouldn’t understand. Don’t ask me again... everyone has been badgering me with that question since I came back.”

 

“If you told us... if you told me, then we wouldn’t have to ask you again.”

 

I brushed his hands off. “I don’t want to talk about it! Can’t you get that through your thick skull?” I stood up and turned my back on him again. “And why do you ‘have’ to ask me, anyway?”

 

“I care for you. You’re hurt and I don’t know why.” He got behind me and wrapped his arms around me. “I was hoping you’d trust me enough that I wouldn’t have to ask.”

 

Those words had some impact on me, but I couldn’t tell how. I was not drunk, but I was under the influence of alcohol. “I would trust you with my life, but I still mean what I said. You would not understand.”

 

He stepped in front of me. “What would it take?”

 

“If you were a slave, you might know why you wouldn’t want to talk about it.” I turned towards my bedroom. “Please just leave me alone.”

 

“You’ve been alone for almost a week. It’s not helping.” He was almost pleading.

 

I turned around and gave him a perverted smile. “When I was on Korriban, I used to roll around in bed with Uthar when I was depressed. Maybe that’s what would cheer me up right now.”

 

He looked at me as if I had given up on myself. Then he turned for the door and left. I laughed as he walked away, but it was only to try and make him think that I was beyond him. In truth, I was a pathetic excuse for a sith or a jedi.

 

What was I trying to prove? Why was I shutting everyone out? I know something is wrong, but I couldn’t seem to understand why I was in so much discord. I’ve been a slave to one of the worst Hutts for seven years, but I’ve never been affected as greatly then as I was with Fasa.

 

It took some time, but I came to understand what it was about his words on trust that caught my attention. I trusted him with my life and he lead me back to the jedi. Now, I’m slipping away from that. This time, it was not anger, but embarrassment that was dragging me down.

 

I was laid on my bed and held the necklace in front of my eyes. This had been around my neck for eight years, but never had it reminded me of a shock collar. Although I had looked at it differently while I was on Korriban, it wasn’t the necklace that chained me down. In the end, it was my desire to break the chains others have placed which enslaved me to the sith.

 

I put it around my neck again and didn’t let fear stop me. The sickening feeling returned, I felt claustrophobic, and it was getting difficult to breathe. I was not putting on a shock collar and it was not going to hurt me, but the chain made me feel trapped.

 

My every urge was to remove it, but I valued the necklace too much. I would not allow my most important possession to become a thing I fear. As the minutes passed, it seemed more and more difficult to breath. When it became intolerable, I was desperate to get it off. I tried to pulled off the chain without detaching the ends, but the titanium was too strong. Panic almost took over as I struggled to find and detach the ends. Once it fell from my neck, I gasped in relief.

 

When I got hold of myself, I picked it up again and dangled it in front of me. It was so important to me, yet it scared me...

 

I heard the door chime. “Who is it?”

 

“It’s Juhani.”

 

I probably wouldn’t have welcomed anyone other than Alfred or Trevelyan, but Juhani and Nevski did save my life. I still owed it to them. “Enter.” The door slid open and she cautiously walked in. I gave her a very pleasant smile. “Trevelyan sent you... didn’t he?”

 

She nodded. “He’s concerned about you.”

 

“It seems like everyone’s ‘concerned’ for me. Maybe they haven’t considered that I just want to be left alone.”

 

She stared at me for a moment, fearing what she was about to say. “Revan told me about you... about why you fell to the darkside.”

 

I gave her a threatening gaze. Trevelyan promised to not speak of what I told him to others. I felt betrayed that he shared it without my permission. “How much did he reveal?”

 

“That you were once a slave and that your experience has kept you from finding peace. He also thought you would be willing to speak with another who knows what you’ve gone through.”

 

“You... were enslaved?”

 

She nodded. “Only for a few months. I don’t think I ever faced the hardships that you have, but even then... it was the worst experience of my life.” Her sympathetic look turned to confusion. “Did you not know?”

 

I shook my head. “I suppose I never asked.”

 

“It’s not something that I share with others. It’s humiliating and demeaning. Despite everything Revan, or my Master, Quatra, knew... they would never truly understand what it means to be owned by another and treated as though you felt nothing.”

 

I shook my head in objection. “That wasn’t what Omeesh did. He wanted his slaves to feel his wrath. He didn’t simply disregard their feelings... he enjoyed making them suffer and...” I started sniffling and my voice broke up. Normally, I wouldn’t break into tears, but after a week of solitude... she seemed like the only one who would know what it was like to be controlled through fear.

 

Juhani let me cry on her shoulder and comforted me as Trevelyan or Alfred would. It didn’t matter that we weren’t close... she understood what it meant better than most. “What happened on Nar Shadaa? What happened there that caused you to suffer so greatly?”

 

I couldn’t give a direct answer. I pulled back to face her. “When you were a slave, were you coerced into acting against what you knew was right?”

 

“If you’re asking if I was raped, then no. Cathar are not as prized as twi’leks.”

 

I shook my head. “I didn’t mean that... I mean have you been so paralyzed with fear that you instinctively acted against everything that you knew was right? That you began thinking and acting like your master wanted?”

 

She turned away and dropped her head in shame... I knew that she suffered through it as well. “Yes. It made me feel like an animal. It was like I had lost a part of myself every time I acted against what I valued.”

 

“On Sleheyron... that happened everyday. I was more fortunate than most of the others, but I was so afraid of Omeesh that I surrendered to his every whim.” I looked away from her. “When I started learning to use the force, I promised myself that I would never be coerced in such a way again.”

 

She knew what I was implying. “What happened?”

 

“The slaving collar around my neck had a fail-safe that not even a jedi could disarm... alive. I was genuinely trapped and even the force couldn’t help me. From that point, I wasn’t acting for my mission... I was acting out of fear of my life.”

 

She got in front of me again and tried to assure me that I was alive and well. “But you did free yourself. You didn’t let yourself be exposed and did what you set out for.”

 

“For three days, I did everything that hutt commanded!” I screamed in anger. “Do you remember the nurse that almost died because I couldn’t control my instincts?” I grabbed her collar and confessed. “It wasn’t self-restraint that kept me from acting... I was too scared to do anything else!”

 

I slowly released her and turned around, curling myself into a ball and weeping in shame. Although Juhani knew what it was like, I still didn’t like admitting what I did. She hovered over me and rubbed my shoulders. “There is no greater enemy than one’s own fears. It takes a brave woman to face them.”

 

I pulled my head up. “Haven’t you been listening? I didn’t act until I was too desperate to keep going. If I didn’t figure a way out when I did... I would not have survived.”

 

“What would you have done if it was not for your fear? If you weren’t afraid, would you have been able to control yourself or would you have just had another incident like in the infirmary?“

 

That didn’t give me any comfort. Although she was right, I hated thinking that it was fear that saved my life again. It was my greatest enemy, but it was also my greatest ally on many occasions. I stared at her with doubt, but I couldn’t object to what she concluded.

 

“Is that what has been causing you such discord? That you were coerced through fear?” She asked.

 

“I thought I was beyond that. It seemed that with the force, I could never be enslaved again. What happened on Nar Shadaa just seemed to slap me in the face and made me realize that there was nothing to keep it from happening again.”

 

She paused for a moment before asking, “Does Revan know?”

 

“No, and I want you to keep it that way. I don’t want anyone else to know.”

 

“He’s concerned for you and I think he would understand what happened.”

 

I shook my head in protest. “No. I shouldn’t have even told you about it. I don’t want anyone to know about this.”

 

“If you’re afraid that this’ll affect other’s opinions of you... it won’t.” She smiled in encouragement. “Revan taught me that there is no weakness in being afraid. He says the strongest people... the ones with the most courage are the ones who face their fears most often. He says that the future of the Order is not in the hands of jedi like him, Bastila, and Master Vandar. He says that it’s in the hands of people who have seen the cruelties of the galaxy and know the conflicts in which to solve.”

 

I turned around. “Do you believe that?”

 

“I don’t, but Revan does. And if he would put his faith in me, I would do whatever I can to not let him down.”

 

For a long moment, we just stared at each other. Although no words were spoken, it was like we knew exactly what the other was thinking. I embraced her for giving me the courage to tell the truth to the ones that mattered to me.

 

-----

 

After I told Alfred and Trevelyan what had transpired, a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed that I was not traumatized so much by the experience on Nar Shadaa as I was in revealing it to them. I valued their respect so much that I was afraid of losing it. Once they knew everything, that fear was gone. It didn’t make everything as it was before the ordeal began, but it was a start.

 

Like with Juhani, I displayed some very potent emotions and they both were more patient than I deserved. When the truth was out, it gave me much peace. Trevelyan feared that I had killed someone... it relieved him to know that it was ‘nothing more’ than that I acted through fear. It’s easy for him to say that because he had never been through it, himself.

 

Alfred said that the High Council had already promoted me to Jedi Knight and offered to give me a formal ceremony if I requested it. Although I turned down the offer, Trevelyan thought I should have one for such a significant event. He thought I was being antisocial, but I was still shaken by Nar Shadaa. Although I was in a better condition than before, I really needed more time.

 

In the end, I decided to have the ritual. Trevelyan told me to make the arrangements with Master Vrook and he would prepare a celebration for me after it was concluded.

 

When I went to see Vrook in his office, Kavar was with him. Although they were glad to know I was ready to return to duty, they gave me an answer I didn’t expect. “We can’t postpone the date for your knighting for long. In two days, you’re going to be dispatched to the front lines.”

 

“Front lines?” I asked.

 

“Yes. Sith forces have launched an attack on two systems. Republic forces are stretched thin in that sector and will require our aid.”

 

“I thought the sith were defeated. What happened?”

 

“The majority of the Sith’s war effort was destroyed with the Star Forge, but there are still remnant forces that are sustaining the conflict. Although defeat is inevitable, they are likely to fight until the last man. We’ll need your expertise for the conflict.” Kavar explained.

 

That seemed to sour the promotion that I thought I earned. “Your policy is to not dispatch padawans into a war zone. I see that you’ve pushed me up to Jedi Knight to use me. Should I be thanking you?”

 

“You’ve earned the rank of Jedi Knight. We usually give a padawan a final trial before they are promoted... you seem to have done it on your own. By facing one of your greatest fears and overcoming it, you have proven yourself to be a true jedi... officially and unofficially.” Kavar said.

 

I’ve yearned to hear the Council say those words, but I never thought I would be so uncomfortable knowing why they said them to me. I felt that my final trial was a failure, yet I couldn’t deny that my mission was a success. It was apparent from my expression that I was not at ease.

 

“Is there something else troubling you?” Vrook asked.

 

“Yes. I’ve been going over something about my time on Nar Shadaa. I’ve come to realize that I haven’t overcome my feelings towards slavery. I thought that facing it would have calmed my fear... I think it’s become worse.”

 

“What do you mean?” Vrook asked.

 

I thought about telling them what happened as well, but I just didn’t trust them enough to reveal that I almost surrendered myself to the Hutt. “Never mind. I may just need some more time.”

 

“Unfortunately, you are going to have to prep yourself quickly. If you wish to have a knighting ceremony, it will have to be held either tonight or tomorrow night. On the third day, you and several others will be dispatched to assist the Republic’s forces under siege from the Sith. We are going to need you battle-ready by then.” Master Vrook stated.

 

“Could you tell me more about this invasion? What should I expect?”

 

Kavar stood up. “We’ll have a mission briefing tomorrow for you and all the others who will participate in the defense.”

 

“The reason we called you here is to know if you wish us to hold a knighting ceremony for you. If so, we must know when to hold it.” Master Vrook said.

 

I smiled in anticipation. “Tomorrow evening sounds great.”

 

“Very well. It will be held in the Council Chamber at 18:00 hours tomorrow. You may bring your Master to the ceremony as well.”

 

“May I bring one other as well?”

 

“Of course. Just realize that knighting is a private ritual among only those closest to you.” Vrook stated.

 

“Thank-you.” I bowed and left Vrook’s office.

 

-----

 

A significant number of events had taken place over the rest of the day. Although my knighting was a significant thing to me, I was still greatly concerned about the information the Zez Kae Ell promised. He said he would be back for his lightsaber when I have healed, but that might mean waiting until after I got back from the front lines. That was something that I wanted to know as soon as possible.

 

On top of that was the upcoming assignment that I didn’t think I was prepared for. Although I was feeling much better about myself since Nar Shadaa, I was still not fully recuperated. I didn’t think I was psychologically prepared to enter a war zone, but I did have a few days to prepare myself before I would be expected to fight.

 

After I had spoken to the Council, I met up with Trevelyan again. “The Council said that the Sith have launched an assault on two Republic worlds. Do you know anything about that?”

 

“Yes. I’m to lead the defense of the forces on Bacurra.” He said.

 

“You?” I chuckled. “You’re not even a master, yet. Why would they give you command over an entire planet’s forces?”

 

“Because I’m Revan. I’m the genius that saved the Republic from destruction by the Mandalorians. Remember?”

 

“You’re Alex Trevelyan. You’ve never lead a platoon of troops into battle before... at least not for real. Now they make you a general?”

 

He smiled and shook his head. “It’s in title only. Master Vandar will be watching over my shoulder to ensure that I do everything properly. I’m there to raise the morale of the forces on Bacurra. If they think I’m the great mastermind that I once was, then it should do much for them.”

 

“Are you saying that you don’t think you’re as capable as Revan was?” I asked.

 

He stared at me for a long moment as he was going over something in his mind. “I don’t know. When I confronted Malak, he said that I was stronger than I ever was as the Dark Lord. The truth is that I may still have his potential, but I don’t have his experience.”

 

I nodded in agreement. “So... will we be fighting side by side?”

 

He gave me a very serious look. “No.”

 

That was not the answer I expected. “Oh... I was hoping that I’d have an opportunity to save your life for a change.”

 

“I hope not. If you were to come with me to Bacurra, then you’d be under my command.” He looked at me with discomfort. “Let’s just say that it’d be best to separate our personal feelings from our duty.”

 

“Trevelyan, I owe you my life. I don’t like having that on my mind if you insist that I never be allowed to protect yours when it’s in jeopardy.”

 

“Do you understand why that can’t happen? If a mission depended on sending you into harm’s way... I’d prefer to avoid that. As much as I would want you to come with me to Bacurra, I can’t afford to have my personal feelings get in the way... neither can you.”

 

That saddened me to hear such a harsh truth. “Are you telling me that...?” I couldn’t complete the question. “No. That is what must be done.”

 

He shook his head excessively. “Don’t take this the wrong way. It’s because I love you that I can’t have your life in my hands as well as many others.” He held me around the waist. “Do you understand why?”

 

I nodded.

 

He put his hand under my chin and placed his forehead against mine. “Enough of that... are you going to have a knighting ceremony?”

 

I smiled. “Yes. Tomorrow evening at 18:00 hours.”

 

“Then I’ll arrange a celebration for you after that. Everyone who wants to congratulate you? Or do you want to keep it small?” He asked.

 

“No need for any of that. Would you be there during the ceremony, instead? I would be honored to have you and Alfred with me when that happens.”

 

“Of course. Then after that...”

 

I smiled in anticipation. “We’ll see.” Then I gave him a very serious look. The last time I spoke to him, I was very inconsiderate of him. “What I said to you earlier... I’m sorry about that. I wish I could say I was under the influence of alcohol, but I wasn’t.”

 

“I... didn’t want to ask about it, but when did you start drinking?”

 

“Shortly after I became a sith. With all the chaos around, I needed a way to escape. I’m not dependent on it, but it’s a way to escape reality for a while.” I paced around the room for a moment before realizing that I’ve never seen him drink. “Have you ever gotten drunk before?”

 

He gave me an embarrassed smirk. “I don’t drink intoxicants. They don’t make one’s problems go away... they just postpone the inevitable.”

 

I couldn’t restrain myself... I just giggled like a girl. “You don’t eat savory foods, you don’t drink, you haven’t had sex until you were... 32?”

 

He looked at me as if I were humiliating him. “31.”

 

I kept laughing. “How do you interact with others if you’re so reserved?”

 

He kept looking at me with no expression, but then made a joke out of it. “Do you think the Council would know anything about that kind of thing? They gave me my memories... remember?” That kept the laughter alive for a while longer.

[Rev7]

Good chapter.

 

So Yuthura is affected a lot more than she thought that she would be after being a slave 'again'. Drinking seems to be an escape for her. You captured that pretty well Darth_Yuthura! Keep up the good work!

[Darth_Yuthura]

I tried to give Yuthura the classic symptoms of a rape victim, but since I don't know that much about it... If there are elements of the last chapter that don't make sense, PLEASE inform me so I would know that it is incorrect.

 

I hope that her reasons for isolating herself made sense since one of her strongest beliefs had been crushed and she realized that the force couldn't protect her as she had thought. And because she was a sith (where fear had to be hidden) that would explain why she kept to herself instead of sharing it with Trevelyan or Alfred. This chapter is not complete, so keep watching for the rest to come in.

 

The next chapter will begin the first true story arc where she is exposed to war. When that comes, pay close attention to how her beliefs contradict with those of the Council and Revan's past strategies.

[HIGH ON PIE 14]

I think that you did a good job showing the symptoms...but then again I am no expert either. But it coincides with every TV episode of shows on the subject. It made sense to me why she didn't share it with Alfred and Trevelyan. That was a big barrier of protection that she had crushed, realizing that the force can not always protect her. I hope she findsa way to overcome. I'll keep my eye out for the next installment.

 

~HOP

[Darth_Yuthura]

I had forgotten to set my clock last night. I was alerted by Master Vrook to be in the war room almost exactly when the mission briefing started at 8:00. I rushed to dress and dashed through the halls. To save time, I skipped the elevator and jumped three levels through the main atrium. In the end, I was ten minutes late.

 

I tried to sneak in quietly, but when Vrook saw me, he stopped the briefing to ridicule me. “Everyone! I’d like you to welcome our newest jedi knight... walking in ten minutes late!”

 

Everyone’s eyes were on me. I just took an empty seat.

 

“When the briefing is over, everyone here will be disciplined in a manner your squad leader sees fit.” Vrook stated.

 

“Hold on. What are you doing? Everyone here reported here on time. I’m the only one who should suffer the consequences.” I protested.

 

“What if their lives were in your hands? Would you, alone pay the price?” Vrook strolled across the room as if about to make a lecture.

 

“If their lives were at stake, I wouldn’t have been so reckless.”

 

That infuriated Vrook and he trotted across the room to stand right in front of me. Before he could start shouting, Master Kavar broke it up. “This can wait for another time. We have to get back to the briefing.”

 

Vrook gave me a look of disappointment. He wanted to slap me down, but couldn’t anymore. “We’ll discuss this later.” He turned back to the front of the room and gestured for Kavar to continue.

 

“Our purpose is not so much to participate in the coming battles, but to show the Republic troops that jedi are fighting alongside them. They’ve suffered terrible loses and their morale is low. We are to assist them in any way we can.”

 

One of the other jedi spoke up. “Are we expected to lead troops when battle comes?”

 

“We will. You should also be prepared to tend to wounded, repairs, and anything else to assist.” Kavar answered. “You’ve each been assigned to one of three groups. You will continue the briefing with your assigned commander.”

 

Vrook stepped forward. “Those under my command will follow me to training room 2. That includes you, Ban.”

 

I sighed in despair. This was going to be even worse now that I would have to report to Vrook. I could work with anyone who was reasonable enough to follow. Despite my last confrontation with him, Vrook was going to make this harder than it had to be.

 

-----

 

After following Vrook to training room 2, he came up with a suitable disciplinary measure for the group. The room was set up as an obstacle course, so he had everyone run through it without using the force. He also made sure to remind everyone that I was the one responsible for making them go through it. "The consequences of one affects all." He said.

 

I was angry because he was turning the others against me. I didn’t know any in my group except for Beleya, and she already had issues with me. This made her look at me with even more scorn than before. I even offered to run the course five times for them, but Vrook wanted to ensure that they suffered and I was blamed.

 

The run took the five of us almost ten minutes and I was not quite as fit as I thought. I was second last and out of breath when it was over, but I was ready for another battle when we were done.

 

“Alright. We can proceed now.” Vrook gestured the others to follow him for the rest of the briefing.

 

I stood my ground. “Where are you going?” I asked Vrook.

 

“What?” He turned around.

 

I gestured to the obstacle course. “You haven’t gone through, yourself, so begin.”

 

He slowly walked towards me as if to laugh at my insubordination, but kept silent. “Have you not learned anything from this?”

 

“My actions impact both myself and... ALL those in my group.”

 

“Then what are you doing?”

 

I got in Vrook’s face. “I’m waiting for you to run through the obstacle course, so get going.” I ordered.

 

“Very well. Your defiance has earned you and your group another run through.” Vrook responded.

 

I crossed my arms. “Are you claiming that you are not a part of this group? If you are not willing to go through the course, then why should they?”

 

“I am your superior and commanding officer for the upcoming mission and I’m ordering you to desist with this immediately!” He shouted.

 

I shook my head. “You know nothing of being a leader. It’s a good thing that Revan took command during the Mandalorian Wars because you suck at it!” Then I turned around and tramped out of the room with no hesitation. I knew that by saying such a thing, Vrook wouldn't take it seriously unless I left him one jedi short. Sometimes, words can't make the point unless they're backed by action.

 

-----

 

At the time I said it, my defiance towards Vrook seemed so right. It felt so good to turn my back on Vrook for such a minor reason, but it was not done out of anger... well not because I was angry. It was because someone had to tell Vrook that he was wrong and I was not afraid to do it.

 

As I looked back on my defiance, I soon realized that I was throwing away my promotion to Jedi knight a second time. All because Vrook refused to run an obstacle course? As strange as it seemed, I would have regretted letting it pass even more.

 

A leader had to lead by example. If Vrook was going to punish everyone for the act of one... that meant EVERYONE. If he was too weak or too arrogant to follow though with his own punishment, then he was no better than a Hutt. If he were a jedi, he would have been the first to run the course. Instead, he set a bad example for all jedi and showed that the Council was above everyone else.

 

As I looked down from one of the balconies above the main atrium, I knew things would have been so much easier if I were willing to yield to people like Vrook and Atris, but I couldn’t abide by what they stood for. The Council was weak and all the jedi would have followed them to their deaths if it was not for Revan. Admirable as their loyalty was... it was no reason for good people to sacrifice themselves over ignorant tyrants like them.

 

I was staring down for about ten minutes before Alfred arrived and took a place next to me. After a moment of sharing the view, I made the first statement. “I thought you had a class to teach.”

 

“Vrook contacted me.”

 

I chuckled at what he must have said. “Are you going to ask my side of events, or do you trust him implicitly? Everyone else seems to.”

 

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t think he would lie...” Then he looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “...but I'm sure he didn't speak the whole truth.”

 

I nodded in concurrence. Alfred knew how to tell the truth in a way to suite both sides fairly. “What did he say?”

 

“That you openly defied him and were disrespectful of rank.”

 

I nodded in agreement. “I arrived at a briefing late and Vrook disciplined everyone in the briefing room instead of just me.”

 

“That’s not uncommon. It’s supposed to teach individuals that they are not the only ones who suffer for their actions. If a group suffered the consequences, individuals would become more determined to do what was necessary.”

 

“Vrook did not follow through with it, himself. He made us run through a training course without the force and he just stood there and watched.” I looked directly at Alfred. “He was every much a part of the group as well, but he thought he didn’t have to suffer the consequences too. When I insisted that he run through the course, he ordered that everyone go through again.”

 

He shook his head in disappointment.

 

“This wasn’t about what just happened in the training room. I don’t give a **** about that. It was about a Council member believing he was above the other jedi. I wanted Vrook to realize that he was defying the very foundation upon which his leadership was built. If he thinks that he was above the rest, then he has been corrupted by his authority and must be removed.”

 

He released an outburst. “By whom?!”

 

That startled me. “By their followers. We must be the ones to tell the Council when they are wrong and make them accept that they represent the Order... not themselves. The Order must also realize that the Council does not have supreme power over them.” I sighed and hesitated to say one last thing. “The reason why they opposed Revan was because he was a threat to their authority. It happened well before the end of the Mandalorian wars that he was declared a traitor.”

 

“That’s enough!” He shouted.

 

Suddenly, I felt a terrible fear. I had hoped that Alfred would have understood my reasons, but even he was implicitly loyal to a corrupt Council. It was almost as if I could no longer trust him anymore. The thought seemed to leave a terrible void where there was once great trust.

 

I tried to calm his anger and assure him that I had good reason for my actions. “I’m not trying to be a nuisance. I’m genuinely concerned about the future of the Order. The Council... the ones who lead the jedi must hold themselves to a higher standard than the others. Doesn’t this matter to you?”

 

He held my shoulders and put his forehead against mine. “Of course it does, but you matter to me more. I know that you’re doing what you believe is right, but it's creating a rift between you and the Order. You alone can’t change the system. All you can do is try to be the best jedi you can. Once that happens, then you will have the influence you need to bring about change.” He took my hands into his own. “Please go back to Master Vrook and apologize for what you did. It doesn’t have to be genuine, but make it sound sincere. Then follow his lead and don’t question him again. If you can reason with him, that would be better, but please don’t throw away your future for this.”

 

It was terrible to hear him ask that of me, but I knew what I had to do. My cause was just, but I didn’t have the influence to challenge the Council. To the others, I was just a sith trying to make amends for my past. If I kept getting in the Council’s way, they would not allow me to stay within the Order... even with Revan’s support.

 

I gave Alfred a very grim expression and nodded.

 

-----

 

After that, I went back to training room 2 and waited for the briefing to end before confronting Vrook again. When the other four jedi walked passed, three looked at me with scorn. Beleya looked at me differently than before, but I didn’t know what she was thinking. Vrook was still in the room and preparing to depart when I entered.

 

He waited for me to say the first statement, but I kept silent. After a moment, he asked what I wanted. He didn’t seem angry, but spoke at me very pitifully.

 

“I wanted to apologize for what I said to you earlier. You were my superior and I overstepped my boundaries.” I said as pleasantly as possible.

 

He looked away and started walking to the entrance. “You’re lying. You feel no remorse for what you did earlier.”

 

“Then what do you want, ‘Master’ Vrook?”

 

He understood that I emphasized ‘master’ to show disrespect. “I want you to either follow me like all the other jedi, or leave the Order. There is no middle ground for you anymore now that you're a jedi knight.”

 

“Not yet... I’m still a padawan until tonight.”

 

“That’s a technicality. You knew that the light side was the more difficult path, but you chose to follow it. You have to respect your superiors if you want to succeed. The Council has tolerated a lot from you, but its patience has reached its end now that you are a knight. If you don’t respect the chain of command, you won’t survive here.” Vrook explained.

 

“Master Kolchak taught me that it was important for me to stand for what I believed to be right. Are you saying that the Council overrules the jedi teachings?”

 

“Part of the jedi teachings involves respecting your superiors. You believed the darkside was the means to end slavery before you left us five years ago. If you had listened to your master, would you have fallen to the sith?” He said in a sympathetic tone.

 

“I was wrong about that, but I don’t think I’m wrong now.”

 

“You think that Revan was right to wage war against the Republic? You think that the Council should have done it instead?!” He asked.

 

I stood up to him. “Revan joined the Mandalorian Wars because you wouldn’t. If we had followed the Council instead of Revan, the Republic would have been crushed. One in four jedi followed him and you declared them traitors because they defied you... not because they became sith! Have you ever considered that it was not Revan that was responsible for all that? Maybe it was because they believed you were wrong. Are you saying that all those jedi should have trusted you more than themselves?”

 

“You know nothing of war! What makes you think you know better than any of the Council?”

 

I sighed in frustration. “You’re right. I don’t.”

 

He nodded as if to say ‘good girl.’ “Then maybe this assignment will give you some wisdom.” He handed me a data pad. “Familiarize yourself with all the medical expertise and technical specs on the equipment from this pad. You’ll be expected to help with a variety of tasks.”

 

“What about tonight?”

 

“If you’re willing to accept the responsibility, then we’ll knight you then. If not...” He tried to walk out.

 

“Are you ever going to run through the obstacle course like everyone else?”

 

He turned around in frustration. “Why do you have to complain about such trivial things?”

 

“You made everyone suffer for something I did. Unless you think you are above the rest, you should go through it like everyone else. If you wouldn’t hold yourself up to your own standards, then why should we?” I crossed my arms in defiance.

 

He looked at me as if to slap me down again. Then he took off his cloak and started going through the course.

 

It was so satisfying to see him finally acting like a master should. I felt the urge to just watch him go through alone, but then I decided that I could earn some more respect. After a few seconds, I started the run again to beat him through.

 

When I was running beside him, he looked at me in confusion. “What are you doing?”

 

“You assigned another run for my insubordination. I hadn't done it.”

 

“I didn’t make the others go through a second time. You abandoned them.” He said as he started climbing a rope.

 

“I don’t shrink from my responsibilities. Besides... this only makes me stronger.”

 

He looked at me and smiled in a way that I found very gratifying. I almost think that he looked at me differently, but I may have been mistaken.

 

-----

 

When I entered the Council Chamber, the room was lit with only torches. The windows were blinded and the Council were hooded and kneeling around the center of the room.

 

I had requested that Atris not be a part of my ceremony and she was glad to be absent. Usually, a padawan’s master would ask an oath from her, but I felt that Trevelyan had as much right to be a part of this as Alfred. They took their place at the front of the circle and I got in the center.

 

Master Vandar took off his hood and stood in front of me. “Please kneel, Padawan Yuthura.”

 

I did as I was told and also placed my lightsaber in front of me.

 

“The path of the Jedi is a difficult one. Despite the temptation of the darkside, it is appropriate to declare that Yuthura Ban has earned the right to be known by all as a jedi knight. This I, Master Vandar, declare.”

 

As he returned to his place in the circle, another stepped in front of me. “I, Master Zhar declare Yuthura Ban a jedi knight.”

 

“Through extreme courage and dedication, Yuthura has fought the darkness within herself and defeated it. I, Master Kavar, decree that she be known as a jedi knight.”

 

“I, Lonna Vash, declare that Yuthura Ban be known as a Jedi Knight. She is a credit to our Order.”

 

“I, Vrook Lamar, declare Yuthura Ban a jedi knight. She will bear all the privileges... and the responsibilities of that rank.” He said the last part in a cheerful manner to remind me of it instead of forcing it upon me.

 

Trevelyan got in front of me and gave me a very proud smile. This was one of the most rewarding moments of my life. “We are ultimately responsible for the acts we commit. All that another can do... whether it be a master, a king, a friend, an enemy... is influence our choices. We are the ones who must chose our fate.” He kneeled before me. “Act for what you know is right, even if it leads to your death. That is your oath.”

 

For a long moment, we stared at each other. At first, I didn’t know that he seriously meant what he said, but I understood why he asked it of me. “I will.”

 

He stepped back and Alfred came before me. “An oath is as strong as the trust of the one making it. I ask no oath from you. Trust is earned by our actions... not our words.”

 

Alfred stepped back into position and all the Masters took out their lightsabers and saluted me with them. Alfred proudly said, “Stand, Yuthura... a Jedi Knight.”

 

This was one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn’t hide my grin of utter happiness. I got to my feet and pulled my lightsaber to my hand to salute.

 

Trevelyan started clapping in applause, but realized that he was not supposed to. Before he stopped, two of the masters joined him and then the entire chamber was echoing with it. I must have been blushing like a little girl, but I’ve felt so few moments of utter happiness like this. I savored it for as much as it could be worth.

 

-----

 

After it was over, I thought that Trevelyan was going to take me up to his quarters to make the evening complete. When we reached them, I was met with an unusual feeling of disappointment and flattery... Trevelyan had prepared a surprise party for me.

 

When I showed up, everyone started clapping for me. About 15 people were crammed into this tiny living space. I didn’t want to have to squeeze in as well, but they came to congratulate me.

 

“I’d like everyone to welcome our newest jedi knight!” Trevelyan declared. The applause then became deafening.

 

I grabbed him by the collar and pulled us back into the hallway. “I asked you not to have a celebration for me. What’s with this?”

 

He gave me an ‘innocent’ expression. “This was more for them than anything else. I also thought you’d enjoy something like this for a change.”

 

“Well, you’re wrong. I don’t want to cram myself into a tiny room filled with all these people.” I said.

 

“They’re your friends and they want to congratulate you. You should try to enjoy the party.”

 

I shook my head and stepped away. “I don’t like parties. And I don’t like being in tight, crowded places.”

 

He dropped his head in disappointment. “What if were in a larger space? Would that be better?”

 

I thought about it for a moment. “A little.”

 

He smiled. “Then I’ll see if I can get everyone to the main atrium.”

 

-----

 

With everyone spread across a wider area, I was more willing to socialize. Everyone I knew congratulated me while some wanted to discuss more serious matters.

 

I found Juhani and thanked her for helping me realize why I was impacted by Nar Shadaa. It turned out that she also struggled with the dark side as I have. I could understand the anger she held for losing her home world, but I believed there was more to it than that. It was like she was bearing a wound that would not heal.

 

“Did you have any friends on Cathar?” I asked.

 

“I was only a baby when the Mandalorians destroyed it. Since then, I’ve held very few. Even when I was among the jedi, I kept to myself.”

 

I nodded. “On Sleheyron, I used to have a number of friends. We had nothing but ourselves, so we tried to watch out for each other whenever we could.” I felt hurt, but wasn’t close to tears. “I lived long enough to see them die and I came to understand it was in my best interest to not make new friends.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

I sighed and then took a sip from my glass. “The habit stayed with me. It wasn’t until Trevelyan came along that I was willing to open myself to others again. I’d forgotten what it was like to be able to trust in another.”

 

She nodded. “Why do you address him as ‘Trevelyan?’ I would have imagined you would call him by his true name.”

 

I smiled at what I knew that she didn’t. “From his point of view, he’s been ‘Trevelyan’ all his life. Though his memories are false, they are real to him. He even has memories of his earliest years where even his mother addressed him by his last name. Forgetting all that would be difficult. Do you think you could stop thinking of yourself as ‘Juhani’ if you were told that your entire life was a lie?”

 

She looked as though in deep thought. “I suppose.”

 

I stared at her for a moment. “Do you still have trouble dealing with the dark side?”

 

She was clearly embarrassed by the question. “Sometimes.”

 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve only fallen to it for a few days... I’ve let it control my destiny for almost five years.” I assured her.

 

“It’s always there. I find it hard to find peace because I’ve fallen to it once and have come dangerously close to falling to it again." She sighed. "When I encountered the man who murdered my father, I tried to kill him.”

 

She looked like she was about to display some unpleasant emotions, so I moved us to a more secluded area. Although it would have been best to end the conversation there, I wanted to try and help her as she helped me. “You said you tried? What happened?”

 

“Revan restrained me before I could do it.” She was holding something back and I hoped that she wasn’t about to reveal something best kept secret. “The Mandalorian confront me and Revan, offered to buy me from him, and Revan said I was my own person. When worse came to worse, the man took out a blaster and started shooting. Revan disarmed him, but even after losing his hand, he was still dangerous. He started taunting me about the night he murdered my father and how he tried to buy me off the slave market...” Great rage was building within her. I tried to comfort her, but she shrugged me away. “I wanted so much to kill him, but Revan wouldn’t let me! When I broke free of his grip, I tried.”

 

“What happened after that?” I asked.

 

She stared at me with an expression I couldn’t make out. “He did it himself.” A long, silent moment passed. “He murdered the Mandalorian so that I couldn’t.”

 

I was shocked at what I was hearing. The thought that Trevelyan had murdered someone... it was not easy to hear. “How did that impact you?”

 

“I hated him for it!” She screamed. “He said it was for the best, but he cheated it from me!” Juhani turned away and tried to hide it from me, but she was in pain. She hid it well... I was surprised that she wasn’t in tears.

 

I got behind her and gently tried to comfort her again. She didn’t push me away this time. “Are you still angry at Revan for that?”

 

“I can't. He wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for me.” She sat down and thought for a moment. “I’ve never murdered another... I don’t know what it’s like.”

 

“It depends on how the murder was committed.” I sat across from her. “When I killed Omeesh, I tried to justify that I did it to save myself and many others like me. The truth is that I wanted to make him suffer for what he did. You may think me a monster for saying it, but I’m glad that I killed him... I wouldn’t have been satisfied to have another do it.”

 

“Then you understand.”

 

I shook my head very erratically. “No. There is more to it than that.” I stood up and paced to collect my thoughts. “I’ll never know how my life could have been different if I hadn’t done it. I might never have fallen to the sith.” I kneeled before her. “Trevelyan may have kept you from suffering that fate.”

 

She sighed from discord. “Do you regret killing Omeesh?”

 

She already knew the answer, but wanted me to verify that she was deprived of revenge. “Killing him was the right thing to do, but I regret that I was to one to do it.”

 

She looked at me as if I just lied to her. “You said you wouldn’t have been satisfied to see another kill him. What was it?!”

 

I almost felt like a master as I prepared to tell her about the origins of my hate. “If you’re asking me to say that revenge would have given you some peace... it wouldn’t have.”

 

“How would you know? You haven’t been deprived of it.”

 

“That’s correct. I know what it does.” After a moment, I told her about my path to the sith. “When I was on Sleheyron, I despised Omeesh. When I saw an opportunity to get rid of him, it was the greatest moment of my life up to that point. I thoroughly enjoyed killing him and savoring my revenge.

“But it didn’t end there... I soon wanted revenge on not just him, but every hutt.

“When I was rescued by the jedi, I came to hate slavery. That hate may have been just, but it emerged where it hadn't existed before.

“Then I began to hate the jedi for their inaction. I felt that they were trying to purge me of my anger. I resisted because I was more interested in dealing out punishment than trying to heal myself.

“I tried to kill my master for following them. He was trying to protect me from myself, but I felt he was confining me from making my own choices.

“After that, I turned to the sith because they told me everything I wanted to hear. I hated them for what they represented.

“Eventually I hated myself for becoming the very evil I wanted to destroy.”

I held onto one of her hands. “Trevelyan may have deprived you of revenge, but he may also have deprived you of all that would have followed it. Do you still feel cheated?”

 

She stared at me with an expression that seemed to speak volumes. I could tell that I had said enough and that it was best for me to leave her alone. She was hiding grief and had to deal with it in private.

 

I slowly walked passed Juhani and closed the door behind me. Although I was trying to help her deal with her darker side, I ended up helping myself more.

[Rev7]

I found Juhani and we had a very serious conversation about the High Council.

This was the only mistake that I found.

 

Another powerful chapter! It seems as though Vrook has changed a lot with his attitude toward Yuthura. I am glad that Yuthura kept her word, so to say, and ran another time with Vrook. I am also glad that Vrook ran one.

 

Great chapter, and I am glad that Yuthura is now a fully-fledged Jedi Knight! Keep up the amazing word Darth_Yuthura.

[HIGH ON PIE 14]

Nice to see Yuthura helping Juhani out, and I'm glad that she is a jedi knight. So Vrook is coming around and actually being a little more humble?...wow. I'm glad that she stood her ground. I think that in all times of the Order, too many blindly follow the Council. They were ment to guide and represent thte order, not rule them.

 

Good work here! Just curious, who were the other people at her party, because you said there were about three dozen? I got the impression that not many people in the order liked Yuthura. Anyways this is a great addition, keep it up.

[Darth_Yuthura]

This was a more complex chapter. I originally had a scene where Revan embarrassed Yuthura by the Council not allowing a party in a public area. As much as I liked the emotion and the rift that formed between the two, it wasn't in Revan's character to be sloppy with that kind of thing. I'll try to make the corrections from this.

 

to HOP: The number of invited guests was more like 15 (Ebon Hawk crew, Nevski, Ross Senegal, Master Vash, Master Zhar) Other jedi came by to simply congratulate her. Alfred is absent, but will be back with Zez Kae Ell in the next chapter.

 

I wanted to display how the Council has become corrupt throughout the story. (Yuthura's exile at the beginning will be explained by Zez Kae Ell in the next chapter. The Atris incident. The Council's response to Revan's defiance.) I want to show that there was a good reason for why the jedi order will fall apart.

 

QUERRY: Why don't indentations and italicized words copy over from a word processor to the forum? When I try to use them, the text boxes won't respond properly or the command doesn't work. This makes it difficult to organize new lines and paragraphs. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Rev7]

You have to use the tags for italics, and I don't think that indentations work. Actually I'm wrong. Look here for the codes.

[JediAthos]

I just finished reading the last three chapters...and I have to say I continue to be impressed with your writing and the story that you're telling. I particularly liked how you portrayed Yuthura after Nar Shaddaa. I think you conveyed her feelings well through her actions.

[Rathoris]

wow.. i just finished reading all the chapters up to this point. Quite a read. Amazing story and really fun to read. Yuthura is a bit too emo for my liking but hey... she did suffer through alot of trauma.

Overall great work and I will absolutely keep reading

[Darth_Yuthura]

 

[/img]

[Rev7]

I'm also quite the artist. This still is incomplete, but stand by for an updated finished copy with Yuthura's tattoos and lightsaber hilts complete.

 

<image snip>

 

Wow! I have to say that is pretty impressive. You are a great artist, and I look forward to the update.

[Darth_Yuthura]

This takes place after Yuthura has her tattoos removed.

 

[JediAthos]

wow...those are pretty good Yuthura for being "incomplete"

[Rev7]

Agreed. Nice update.

[Darth_Yuthura]

When I returned to the party, I was trying to find Alfred. I had not seen him since my ceremony. Before I could, padawan Senegal approached to congratulate me. I didn’t want to be bothered by him again, but I felt I needed to know why he took such an interest in me. If he were attracted to me or simply wanted to learn some of the DS abilities; at least I would understand.

 

“Congratulations, Jedi Yuthura.”

 

“Thank-you, Padawan Ross. How much longer until you expect to become a knight?” I replied.

 

“I’ve been catching up in training, but I still need to be apprenticed for another few months before that could happen.” He wanted to ask the same question as last time, but silently implied it.

 

Now that I actually had the option available to me, I seriously considered taking someone under my wing. Before, I just didn’t give him a second thought, but now that I’ve seen how far I’ve come in just three months... However, I needed to know more about him. “Ross... why do you want me to take you? What is it about me that stands out from the others?”

 

He looked at me, confused. “It would be an honor to study under one who faced the darkside and turned away from it. I’ve asked a few other masters and knights. They are either not instructing or they’ve already made their selection.”

 

I gave a sarcastic smile. “And I was the only one left? Thanks.”

 

“Master Zimmer said he would take me, but he’s like Master Vrook. I’ve been holding out on you for the last month.”

 

I sighed heavily. “If you want me to take you, I need more than that. Why are you asking me?” I spoke up in a threatening manner. “Don’t generalize and don’t even think of lying to me.”

 

That startled him more than I would have thought. He remained silent for a moment and looked away as if embarrassed. Then he took a deep breath and gave me his answer. “It’s because you remind me of one of my people’s greatest heros, Vincenza.”

 

“Vincenza?”

 

He nodded. “She was a religious figure, but a real person. According to the legend, she had a family that was captured by a warlord when he sacked her village. She vowed to rescue them by whatever means she could.”

 

“Go on.”

 

He looked at me and I could see that this meant something significant to him. “Vincenza was believed to have rallied all of her neighboring villages into uniting their efforts against the warlord. She brought several nomadic tribes together to form a single nation and she was selected to lead them. The warlord was eventually defeated and Vincenza found only her daughter in the aftermath. The rest of her family was killed.”

 

I nodded. “How close does this tale correspond to the history?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know. This was about 500 years ago.”

 

I was getting interested in the story and was saddened to hear about the death of most of Vincenza’s family. “What happened after that?”

 

I could see tears behind his eyes. “Vincenza nursed her daughter back to health and promised she would not let that happen to anyone else ever again. When she was well enough, Vincenza rallied her army again and created a single dominion across the continent. She destroyed all the warlords like the one that murdered her family and brought peace on an amazing scale.”

 

I was trying to smile, but I got a terrible feeling that something was about to ruin a wonderful tale. He looked very sad as he said of a great achievement.

 

He continued. “When Vincenza returned from war... she learned that her daughter had taken her own life. Because she sought to protect everyone else’s family, she had neglected her daughter.”

 

This was becoming painful to hear. I could see some of myself in the woman he spoke of, but I had to hear more. “What happened to Vincenza after that?”

 

He took a deep breath. “She could heal an entire civilization, but she couldn’t heal the pain within her heart. She disbanded her army and made all the preparations to maintain the peace after she was gone. Although she had done terrible acts during her campaign, Vincenza said that nothing was worse than the pain she inflicted on her daughter. She couldn’t have prevented the rest of her family from being killed, but she knew she could have saved her last child.”

 

That part of the tale... hurt. I don’t know if it was the tale, or that he saw me as Vincenza; I started crying. I knew that I had inflicted great pain on Alfred in the same way. It must have hurt him more than I ever realized.

 

My sobs must have made Ross uneasy. He tried to comfort me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t...”

 

I extended my arm to silence him. I asked him and he told me what I wanted to know. After a moment, I dried my eyes and controlled my emotions again. “Don’t mistake me for the woman you just described. I can see certain similarities, but even then... I don’t want you to follow me as if I were like a religious figure or something.”

 

“I’m not that naive. I know you’re not Vincenza, but I do respect you as much as I would her. I was told that you turned to the sith because you wanted to end slavery. You turned away when Vincenza did not. That’s why I would want to study under you of all people. I want to learn by the example of one like Vincenza.” He got on a knee and held his hands together as if to plea. “If you won’t take a padawan... I’ll not ask you again, but if you would... I would do whatever it takes to meet your expectations.”

 

He was dead serious about what he said. He genuinely wanted me to accept him... I needed to know if I could before I gave an answer. He looked ridiculous on the floor, so I pulled him off his knee and looked him in the eye. “I don’t know if it would be allowed. I would need to speak to a Council Member first.”

 

He smiled in great anticipation.

 

I raised my hand. “That doesn’t mean ‘yes.’ I need to know if it would be allowed.”

 

He nodded and was very anxious about the answer I would bring back.

 

-----

 

Master Vash had come by the party to congratulate me, so I chose to ask her. “You should get those tattoos removed. Your garb is at least... tolerable, but the marks of the sith should go as soon as possible.”

 

“Yeah, I know. I have a question about the privileges that my new rank provides.”

 

“Yes?”

 

I paused for a moment. “Can a jedi knight choose a padawan at any time, or must the Council appoint the union?”

 

She knew what I was suggesting. “The Council must make the final decision, but the request of the two would be considered. Do you already wish to train someone?”

 

“He wishes for me to train him. I would accept him, but I don’t know what the Council would say to ‘me’ training anyone.”

 

She stared at me for a moment. “Who do you have in mind?”

 

“Padawan Senegal. He needs someone to apprentice him for another year... two at the most. Would there be any problems with that?”

 

She stared at me again. “I don’t think the Council would reject that arrangement if you are both willing and he’s had at least five years of training.” She got in front of me as if to make a speech. “Even then, it would be a huge commitment. I can’t emphasize the liabilities you would face if you agree to accept an apprentice. You would not only have to be able to handle yourself, but another. Do you seriously believe you are ready for that?”

 

I wanted to say ‘yes.’ I tried to say it, but when she asked me the question... I knew I had to be stronger than I was before I could take another’s life into my hands. Then my better judgment was clouded by the thought of denying something that may benefit us both. He wants me to train him... I’d be fond of having a ‘disciple’ following me around. I looked up at Vash. “Yes.”

 

She didn’t seem convinced of my answer. “We will have to speak to him about it as well. If we think it’s in your best interests, then it could be arranged after you return from the front lines.”

 

I felt some relief. A part of me liked the idea of instructing again, but I did not know what I was getting myself into. There was still so much that I have not considered before now. Would I be able to trust him to take care of himself? Would I have to constantly worry about him acting instead of thinking? I’ve never seen him in action before... was he capable enough by my standards?

 

All these questions would seriously influence my choice to become a master. If I wasn’t sure of my own abilities, then the last thing I should have done was entrust another’s life into my hands. I wasn’t willing to do that to myself or to him.

 

When I got back to Ross, I did not hide what I was feeling. He looked down in disappointment. “They wouldn’t allow it?”

 

I sat across from him. “No. This is my decision.”

 

He looked as though a part of him was shattered. He was holding back tears. “Why?”

 

“I’m not ready to take responsibility for another. As much as I would like to have one who looks up to me, I can’t afford the additional burdens that come with it. I know that you are not fond of my answer, but you must accept that I’m not prepared for something like this.”

 

He stood up. “Is that final?”

 

I looked at him as though I were about to deny him something that he truly wanted. I didn’t have to heart to kill this dream of his. I personally liked the respect he had for me and I didn’t want to do anything to lose it. “How much longer can you wait before you are assigned a master?”

 

“Two weeks.”

 

“You’ll have my final answer then.” I declared.

 

“I’ve been waiting for a long time already! Why won’t you give me a definite answer?” He sounded desperate.

 

I looked at him with as much sympathy as I could display. “It hasn’t been easy for me here. Taking an apprentice would mean that I would have to be able to look out for not only myself, but another. If I don’t think I can, what else would you have me do?”

 

He nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

 

I put my hand on his right shoulder and tried to say something else to comfort him, but I knew there was nothing I could do. All that I could do was encourage him to hold on a little while longer.

 

When I looked up, I saw Alfred had joined the party. I still felt like a needed a mentor, so I went to him as I always have.

 

“Already working for the rank of master?” He said with a smile.

 

“What?”

 

“I overheard some of your conversation.”

 

I took a deep breath. “He wants me to complete his training.”

 

“What do you think?”

 

I watched Ross as he left the party. “I had not considered taking an apprentice so soon, but now...”

 

“What’s changed?” He asked.

 

“If I don’t chose to accept him now, he would not be available later.”

 

“You chose to take the safest path.” He said.

 

I looked back at him. “You don’t think I could do it?”

 

He shook his head. “Yuthura, this is not the time to concern yourself with a padawan. Whatever you decide... Ross will come to accept in the fullness of time. Right now, there are greater matters at stake. I need you to get Zez Kae Ell’s lightsaber.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because he will want it back after he tells you what he promised.” Alfred smiled. “He’s in my quarters and is ready to see you.”

 

Before he could leave, I wrapped my arms around him. “Alfred... I’m so sorry for abandoning you.”

 

He batted me away. “We’ve already been through this. I’ve forgiven you.”

 

I shook my head. “I had not... truly understood what it must have been like to watch me turn against everything you taught me. It must have been very painful for you.”

 

“Yes it was. However, I don’t think any less of you for what you did. You were under the influence of the darkside, but you eventually overcame it. That makes all the difference to me.”

 

“Still... I regret what I put you through. I do want to make reparations for what I’ve done.”

 

He smiled again as if he became prouder of me. “Zez Kae Ell is waiting for us. We should go.”

 

-----

 

After collecting the lightsaber, I went to Alfred’s quarters and came across the two of them laughing. It made me smile to hear Alfred enjoy a good joke. He had a sense of humor, but only laughed at the most clever ‘bits’ in the galaxy.

 

The two were clearly friends. That would explain how Zez Kae Ell knew to give me a bottle of black ale the last time we met. I never told Alfred about my habit, but I had expected that he would know. He likely also knew about me and Trevelyan, but I wouldn’t say anything unless he confirmed it first.

 

Alfred opened the door before I could press the chime. “Please come in.”

 

I entered and saw Zez Kae Ell standing up from the table and extending his hand. “Congratulations... Jedi Yuthura.” After shaking, we all sat down at the table. Alfred and I were opposite of Zez Kae Ell. “Should I get down to business?”

 

I took out the lightsaber and put it in front of me. “Please tell me what has the Council’s been keeping secret.”

 

Alfred stood up. “Maybe I should leave you two alone for this.”

 

“No. This concerns you as much as it does her.” After Alfred sat back down, Zez Kae Ell continued. “First, I need to know what you’ve been told. Why did the Council reject you when you returned? What reasons did they give?”

 

“Vrook said that there were no masters available to train me. And that the Council was more interested in training one who has not been given a single chance than attempting to retrain a failed jedi.”

 

He nodded weakly. “There was more to it than that. When you turned away from the sith, it startled the High Council. Few ever turn away from the darkside. Most do so under... extraordinary circumstances.”

 

“Extraordinary circumstances?” Alfred asked.

 

“Yes. You’ve been told that once a jedi starts down the dark path, it would forever dominate their destiny. There have been exceptions to this rule, but virtually every one occurred under very favorable conditions. It was believed that a jedi who fell to the darkside could be saved if they were rescued quickly and if they were once true to the light before they fell.” Zez Kae Ell explained.

 

“And I disproved that?”

 

He shook his head. “There was more to it than that.” He looked away to think of something. “Yuthura, I need to ask you something and I need you to tell me honestly... did you truly fall to the darkside?”

 

I was shocked by the question. It scared me into thinking that I would rather not know what he was going to tell me. “Yes. Why would you ask that?”

 

“When? Describe to me how you fell.”

 

Alfred interrupted. “What’s this about? I don’t think there would be any reason to assume she would fake something like that.”

 

Zez Kae Ell answered. “I’m not suggesting that it was a ruse. The Council does not believe that Yuthura ‘fell’ to the darkside. I’m asking her to confirm whether or not it’s true.”

 

They stared at me for a long moment as I tried to grasp what I just heard. “I... never really thought of it. It just seemed to happen over a long period of time.” I stood up and paced around the room. “I suppose when I killed Omeesh shortly before being accepted by the jedi in the first place.”

 

Alfred shook his head. “It couldn’t have. When I trained you, I saw you strive to become a jedi for a long time after that. If you had fallen then, it would have taken its course immediately.”

 

“So what are you suggesting?” I asked.

 

He remained silent for a moment. “Are either of you familiar with the potentium theory?”

 

“No.” I said.

 

“I know of it, yes.” Alfred answered.

 

Zez Kae Ell spoke to me. “It has been something that’s been greatly debated by the Council in recent months. It challenges the very foundation of the Jedi Order.”

 

“How?”

 

“The theory explains how force alignment is inherent to the one who wields it... that force energy is not inherently good or evil... that there is no light or darkside. That it all depends on the one who uses it.”

 

“Wait...” Alfred looked at me. “Are you suggesting that Yuthura...?”

 

“The Council seriously believes it to be so.”

 

I was confused. They spoke of something that I was not familiar with. “What are you talking about? What does that mean?”

 

“The potentium theory is a very serious matter. It has existed as a theory, alone, with no definite proof that it is true. The reason why the Council rejected you was because you could very well be proof that Potentium was fact.”

 

“So what if it is?”

 

Alfred answered. “Let’s just say that the Council would not take to kindly to that. It could mean that all the jedi teachings may be fundamentally flawed.”

 

I began to feel sickened by the thought that I could unravel the entire Jedi Order. “How could I, alone... how do I prove any of that?”

 

“Because you have also demonstrated something else that should not have been possible. According to jedi teachings, certain force abilities can only come through peace... the healing trance and battle meditation, for example. Others, such as force lightning, could only be done with intense emotion. The Council does not believe you are restricted by those limitations.” He explained.

 

“How did you come to this conclusion?” I asked.

 

“According to Master Kolchak, you started exhibiting unusual abilities in the months before you left the Order. You used passion to perform feats that other jedi could only perform through peace. The Council believed it worked both ways.”

 

I didn’t understand what he was saying. Much of what I was hearing contradicted what I already knew. “I’m sorry, but I don’t see what’s so significant about that. I’ve seen Master Vrook use force lightning and I’ve been told Jolee Bindo was also capable of such feats. Revan as well.”

 

Zez Kae Ell sighed in frustration. “Yes. Master Vrook can harness lightning, but he would have to focus on intense emotion in order to do it. Force users often focus on one side of the force spectrum or the opposite. When a jedi becomes more at peace, it becomes easier to perform a healing trance, but it becomes more difficult to use lightning. The same goes for a sith in the opposite direction.” He stood up and paced around for a moment. “As for gray jedi, they don’t focus on mastering either side of the force spectrum. They remain neutral in the force, but never achieve their fullest potential as ones like Malak or Vandar.”

 

I nodded. “So where do I stand among them?”

 

“You seemingly defy the force spectrum. It’s like you achieve a mastery of both sides of the spectrum the more you gravitate to one side or the other.” He said.

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“I’m afraid it’s something that I can’t explain. The truth is that we don’t know the extent of your abilities.” Zez Kae Ell said.

 

“Then why haven’t I been told of this? Why haven’t you tried?”

 

Alfred spoke up. “This gets back to the potentium theory. The more you demonstrate your abilities, the more you would disprove the jedi teachings.”

 

I stared at Alfred in horror. “You knew of this?!”

 

“Not until you returned to the jedi. I knew that there was something significant about you in the Council, but I didn’t know what. When you were accepted back into the Order, Master Zhar was assigned to you in order to ensure that you would return to the light and abandon your dark side abilities.” He looked away. “He believed that once you found peace, you would refuse to tap into the darkside again.”

 

“Wait! You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! You say I’m...”

 

Zez Kae Ell interrupted. “You’re right... we don’t. All that the Council knew was that you were a threat to their teachings. They feared what you may have represented; and they wanted to avoid confronting the matter altogether. For that, your request to be retrained was denied. The only reason why you’ve been accepted was because Revan would not allow it. He forced them to accept the risk you posed.”

 

“But if the knowledge of this could prove dangerous for the Order, why did you reveal it to us?” Alfred asked.

 

Zez Kae Ell faced me. “If the jedi teachings are indeed flawed, it is better for us to know sooner than later. I give you this knowledge because you deserve to know the truth...” He faced Alfred. “...and if you are to retrain her, it is necessary for you to know as well.

“The knowledge I have given you is yours to do with as you will. If you share it with the High Council, it could have serious repercussions on the order. If you wish to keep it secret, it should be your choice... not the Council’s.”

 

I dropped my head. This news angered me, but I was too tired to react. At first, I thought that the Council rejected me because I’d fallen too far to be redeemed. This news alleviated guilt, but brought great disappointment. My opinion of the Council has dropped so low that I no longer got angry... just disappointed. All I wanted at that moment was to be by myself, so I tried to end the meeting. “Is there anything else that I should know?”

 

“I believe I’ve told you everything you needed. If you have questions, I’ll answer them.”

 

Alfred put his arm around me and tried to comfort me, but I gently brushed it away and stood up. “I’ve heard enough. Thank-you.” I gave him his saber staff.

 

Alfred interrupted. “Are you sure? You have nothing you wish to ask?”

 

I didn’t take this well. The last thing I wanted was to hear more. “I don’t care. Please excuse me.”

 

-----

 

When I returned to my quarters, I didn’t break open a bottle. I needed to think through everything that’s happened. I’ve never felt so much anxiety in my life. For the first time I could remember, I had more worth losing than myself. I knew I had to act, but did not know what to do.

 

In the darkness, I sat on my bed with my head buried in my hands. I just couldn’t escape the irony of everything. I have come so close to finding peace, but I feared that it would always be just beyond my reach.

 

After about ten minutes of solitude, I poured myself a glass of Cornelian ale. When I took a gulp, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Although I knew myself better than anyone, I saw something different. I looked more closely at my reflection and just studied myself. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I just stared at the tattoos... the eyes... there was nothing. When I started taking another gulp of my drink, I saw it.

 

I stared at my reflection with the glass in my hand... it sickened me. Trevelyan didn’t drink because he claimed alcohol didn’t solve anything... it just allowed us to forget our problems. I looked at the woman in the mirror with contempt and threw the glass, shattering both. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself anymore. “Never again.”

 

Suddenly, a flood of thoughts began to come to my mind that I have never considered before. When I returned to the jedi, I was prepared to face the reality that I didn’t have the power to change things as I once thought. I had to brush that aside and realize that I did have that power... but it would only come if I did what was necessary to make it happen.

 

If the Council was not going to save the Order... then it was up to me.

 

-----

 

I made a mistake earlier today. When Padawan Senegal asked me to apprentice him, I lied. I knew that I was capable of training him, but lacked the confidence I needed.

 

I don’t know how, but when I threw that glass away... I realized that my confidence was as strong as I was willing to make it. Doubt was an enemy that I had to be rid of. And I knew what I had to do...

 

It was early in the night, so I rang the door chime without hesitation and without second-guessing myself... that was what a leader would have to do. When the door opened, it was a roommate who greeted me. “Can I help you?”

 

“Is Padawan Ross here?”

 

Upon hearing my voice, I saw him leap out of his bed and come to face me. “Jedi Yuthura.”

 

I smiled in a strange way that he couldn’t quite make out, but I was not hesitating... I wanted to remember this moment. “I just wanted you to be aware that I would expect nothing but excellence from one who studies under me. Are you prepared for such hardships?”

 

Just as his face lit up, one of Ross’s roommates found this amusing. “Hey guys! Look who’s trying to snag Ross in her web?”

 

I stepped around Ross and got directly in front of the roommate. I gave him an ‘evil’ little smile and he knew that he made a mistake. I waved my arms and softy said “Boo.” It was enough to make him flinch.

The others chuckled at his reaction. I grinned and put my hands firmly on the shoulders. “Forget you, Ross. I think I’ll take this one instead.”

I’m sure the roommate knew I was only joking, but he backed away in fear. That got everyone else laughing, even Ross. I faced him. “Why don’t we go into the hallway?”

 

When the door closed, he was trying to hide a smile, but not very well.

 

“Don’t get too excited just yet. I’m willing to take you, but you would have to meet my expectations.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

“Unfortunately, you won’t be able to prove yourself until I return from RS 159.”

 

“RS 159?” He asked.

 

“Yes. Sith forces have invaded three systems and I’m being dispatched to RS 159 tomorrow. It’s uninhabited, but the refueling station makes it critical to striking deep into the Republic. I’m expected to be gone for about a week... maybe longer.” He tried to ask a question, but I answered it first. “When I return, I’ll work with you. If you meet my expectations, then we’ll go from there. I’m telling you this now because you will need to prepare yourself for when I get back. The matter is not if, but when you will have to prove yourself.”

 

His look of joy turned to anxiety. “What exactly would you expect of an apprentice?”

 

“Normally, I would tell a sith student to figure it out for himself. That wouldn’t suffice now... my expectations are different than the others.” I looked away and went into deep thought. “I would like you to prove to me that you’re willing and able to act for what you know to be right.”

 

He looked at me as if my demand was too simple to consider. In a way, there was nothing more to it than that. It also meant being willing to die if the stakes were high enough. I’m not surprised he asked for clarification.

 

“It means not lying, cheating, or treating others less than you would treat yourself. It means not being afraid to face adversity in order to do what you know to be right.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “If you can prove that to me... or are working to achieve that... then you should have nothing to worry about.”

 

He nodded nervously. “Sound simple enough.”

 

I smiled and shook my head. “It’s not.”

 

“Right. Out of curiosity, what caused you to change your mind?” He asked.

 

I sighed from guilt. “I lied to you earlier tonight about my ability to instruct. I just didn’t want the responsibility of having to look out for another. When my master found me after I escaped Sleheyron, he didn’t want to train an apprentice. He wouldn’t have desired to train one like me, but because I was so isolated from anyone else... everything he spoke of was so new to me, that I felt I couldn’t trust anyone other than him.” I looked toward the floor in great sadness. “There came a point when he was faced with a decision: take on an emotionally unstable, angry little twi’lek under difficult conditions... or go on with his life, knowing I would eventually fail.” I looked back to Ross. “He sacrificed much of himself for me.”

 

He sighed as if he had just coerced me into taking him. “If you’re saying you don’t want to...”

 

“If Master Kolchak had done that, I would have failed without him. If Revan had thought that, even after I tried to kill him, then I would be dead. I can’t accept their sacrifices unless I was willing to expect the same from myself.”

 

He nodded, not knowing what to say. He clearly didn’t appreciate being compared to me, but wasn’t willing to say it.

 

“Here’s an opportunity for you. Do you agree with my reasoning?”

 

He was very nervous, but he didn’t lie. “With all due respect, no.”

 

“Why not?” I asked.

 

“You just said you didn’t want to take an apprentice. At least that’s what I think you said. If you don’t want to apprentice me... I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

 

I was about to give a quick response, but saw a chance to teach a lesson now... one that every great jedi would follow. “When you wake up in the morning, do you feel like just staying in bed and pretending you are ill?” I answered it for him. “Of course you do. Why then do you report to your instructor instead?”

 

“Because it’s demanded of me.”

 

“But why not make it easier on yourself whenever you can? It’s because you may enjoy having a day to yourself, but once it’s over... it’s spent. However, when you choose to make the sacrifice, you strengthen yourself for more important rewards later.” I put my hands on his shoulders. “This is a sacrifice that I choose to make. If I didn’t... it would be the same as if I chose to stay in bed this morning.”

 

Of course, I was in bed this morning, but it was beside the point. I did it by accident, not because I was lazy.

 

Ross bowed to me. “Thank-you. I’ll try not to let you down.”

 

I nodded. “That party might still be in progress. You are welcome to come.”

 

“It’s one in the morning! How long do those things last?”

 

I was not aware it was so late. It surprised me that I had lost track of time. Suddenly, I realized that I just dragged all the roommates out of bed in the middle of the night. “Oh... I’m sorry for waking you and your friends. I should have kept track of how late it was before coming.”

 

He chuckled. “I wouldn’t mind waking up for this. Neither did any of the others... except maybe Koval.”

 

“Still, I’m sorry. We both should get to bed.”

 

He bowed again. “Yes, Master.”

 

I would have told him about not addressing me as ‘master,’ but it was only a joke and it really didn’t matter one way or another. Besides, that’s the kind of thing Vrook would have done.

[Rev7]

So Yuthura is going to have an apprentice?

 

I am enjoying every single chapter that you have made. You have done a great job, and I cannot wait until there is more! Nice work!

[Darth_Yuthura]

Despite getting to bed very late, I woke up fairly early. It was 5:00 AM and I felt a little better than I usually would that early in the morning. Usually, I would just turn over and go back to sleep, but I decided that the next two hours were not worth wasting, so I got myself up and put them to use.

 

As my memories of yesterday returned, I recalled what Zez Kae Ell told me. At first, I was so far beyond anger that I didn’t react. I couldn’t explain it, but the truth hurt me in a way that it didn’t inflict pain. I suppose I was so used to their hypocrisy that I come to expect disappointment.

 

It did alert me to realize that I didn’t have the power to change the Council... but it was because I didn’t deserve it. If I would demand that the Council be above the standards they place on other jedi, then I must put myself above their standards. Otherwise, my demands would mean nothing.

 

I threw that glass of alcohol away because I was more eager to remove the cause of my pain than to continue shutting it out. I had packed three bottles of ale to take with me to RS 159, but I removed them from my bag. The thought of drinking that stuff again was no longer satisfying... I should have been dealing with my problems from the start.

 

A jedi knight’s robe was delivered to my quarters and I decided to wear it. My garb was only a minor issue, but if I were to make an impact on myself, I had to present myself properly to others. If I couldn’t influence the Council, then I had to earn the respect of their followers. Only then would I have the power to instigate change. Revan knew it and he played the Council like fools when he attracted a forth of the jedi to go with him to war. Now it’s my turn.

 

-----

 

In addition to the new robes, I covered the tattoos on my face with the dermal paste... hiding them for now. When I saw myself in one of the large shards of my shattered mirror, it was strange to see a ‘perfect jedi’ staring back at me. That was what I had to become before I had the power to influence the strong.

 

On Korriban, my twi’lek qualities only took me so far. I couldn’t overcome Uthar because I didn’t change my tactics. To overcome the Council, I had to have support. For that, I had to earn it from as many other jedi as possible. Their support would either force the Council to play by their rules or lose their authority.

 

Sounds easy, but becoming a ‘perfect leader’ like Revan involves pushing myself harder than ever before. Every moment I am given will be used to its fullest... starting with some exercise in the simulator.

 

Instead of smashing droids, I set the program to extreme levels of difficulty with nearly impossible goals. Instead of taking joy from success, I was determined to learn from my failures and eventually become strong enough to reach the levels that seem beyond my reach.

 

The last time I used the simulator, I was ridiculed for having destroyed so many droids. Although the jedi had always been supplied with what they needed, needless waste was discouraged. This time, I set myself to complete my runs ‘without’ destroying anything... adding difficulty and forcing me to adapt to tactics that I wouldn’t have tried otherwise. I was hit dozens of times with painful stun lasers and it was taking its toll on my body. They weren’t lethal, but a concentrated treatment could be fatal, so I ended it earlier than I had hoped.

 

I had about four hours before I needed to report to Vrook in the hanger, so I decided that it was best to catch up on the sleep I missed. Before I got back to my quarters, Trevelyan caught me. He displayed the nicest smile at the sight of me in knight’s robes and without tattoos. He must’ve thought they were removed as he gently moved his hand across my forehead where they should have been.

 

“They’re not gone, just hidden.” I said.

 

“You look good as a jedi knight. I thought you hated the robes.”

 

“I do, but it’s expected of everyone.”

 

“Do they fit properly? I thought you said they were restricting.”

 

I smiled to silently answer. “I guess not everyone’s as flexible as me.”

 

“Well if they’re a hindrance, then you should keep with what works best with you.”

 

I gave him a proud grin as if I had him around my finger. I know that I didn’t, but it was an amusing thought. “I think we both know the real reason... just say it.”

 

He shook his head. “Yes... they’re more flattering than robes yes, but because they restrict movement, there is a legitimate reason to keep with the twi’lek garb. If you wore a cloak, no one would notice.”

 

I scoffed. “Why not ask me to fight naked? It’d certainly distract enemies... it’d distract you.”

 

He didn’t know how to react to that comment. I was beginning to frustrate him. “Just go with whatever works best. Aesthetics are irrelevant unless they influence others, which is an advantage you have. If you have to fight... to **** with traditions. If it’s all the same to you, then try not to stand out from others.”

 

I wrapped my arms around his neck. “For a man who turned a fourth of all the jedi against their teachings, you don’t clue in to certain implications very well.”

 

He grabbed my arms and brushed me off him. “I’m not Revan anymore! Stop measuring me to him... I don’t have the skills or the abilities he once possessed. I am aware of that and don’t have to be reminded again and again.”

 

His reaction startled me and I realized that I could not discuss under the current conditions. The first time we slept together, it was a mutually special experience. Now I was intending to use my body as a weapon again... on the man I loved. Only this time, my intent was not to exploit him. I simply wanted him to be relaxed before I could talk to him about more sensitive issues.

 

I wrapped myself around him again. “We have a few hours before we have to depart. Bastila is gone. Why not spend some time together?”

 

He looked at me as if he knew I was throwing myself at him more easily than usual. “I don’t think it would be best. When we did... it was like a spiritual moment for me. I wouldn’t...”

 

I pulled myself back. “We’re both adults... not undeveloped children to be ordered about. There’s nothing wrong with giving in to a temptation every now and again. Give me a very good reason why you would deny such a little thing like sex and I’ll respect your wishes.”

 

He opened his mouth to say an answer, but one really didn’t exist. He stared at me for a moment while I watched the wheels turning in his head. Then he chuckled. “If you hate the robes, maybe you should slip into something more appropriate?”

 

-----

 

Like so many times before, I went through the experience with a goal on my mind. When Trevelyan and I were finished, I got down to my business. “You know that despite not being him, you still have much of Revan’s potential?”

 

He turned his head. “I’m aware of that.”

 

“Have you been recovering memories of your former life? Can you describe the person you once were in any degree?”

 

“I’ve frequently been recovering memories, but I periodically have the Council reinforce their mental blocks so that they don’t all flood back.”

 

I sat up and stared at him in horror. “You’re actively restraining memories of your former life?”

 

He gave me a serious stare. “I don’t want to be like that monster again. I don’t want any part of him up here.” He tapped his head.

 

I was outraged at what he just said. “You... you’ve been making an issue about me facing my memories and not forgetting my past. You’re doing the same thing!”

 

“No I’m not. You’re memories are a part of who you are... Revan’s memories are not a part of me. I’m not changing myself by restricting them. You would have been lost.”

 

I shook my head hard and the blanket fell from my neck, revealing my breasts. Trevelyan appreciated that I was more interested in talking than covering myself again. “You’ve already been altered when the Council blocked your memories. You should allow them to return naturally.”

 

“No. I don’t want those memories... I don’t want to risk falling to the darkside again.”

 

I frowned. “What if I asked it of you?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you asked the same from me.”

 

“I asked you to preserve yourself. You’re asking me to do the opposite.” He protested.

 

“You are not... I’m not asking you to detract from who you are. I’m asking you to let your former memories return. They wouldn’t detract from who you are... they’d enrich you.”

 

He looked at me as if insulted. “You once told me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of having a lifetime of false memories. Are you saying I should now?”

 

I sighed. “Not of the false memories. You should be for refusing to face your old life.”

 

“Revan is too dangerous to return. I’m not doing it because I’m a coward... it’s for the sake of you, the jedi, and myself.”

 

“Revan would not return... you would not die... you would change the same way you would through real experiences... your real memories. Are you saying you would cling to your false memories and ignore real experiences?”

 

He dropped his head in guilt. I knew I got through. Then he looked at me again. “You know that Revan likely would have hated you?”

 

“But you, Alex Trevelyan, have a different opinion. If your feelings for me are genuine and deserved, then they won’t change. If not... I can live with that.”

 

He dropped his jaw as if I just implied that I didn’t value his feelings for me. “How dare you.” I felt an extreme surge of anger building within him. “I saved you, brought you here, forced the Council to take you back, stood by you when no one else would... and none of that matters?! If it weren’t for me, you would have died in that tomb alongside Uthar! How dare you question my loyalty?!” He pulled the blanket off me. “Get out!”

 

I tried to defend myself, but he wouldn’t hear it.

 

“Get dressed and get out!” He ordered.

 

I did as I was told. Although he was angry, I knew that it would pass, so I just remained silent and did as I was told. When I was fully dressed, I got into the doorway and turned back to say something. “You claim that you don’t want to cling to your false life, yet when you are presented with legitimate memories... you don’t accept them. You cannot deny who you once were... Revan. That was your true self at one time. How can I trust that Alex Trevelyan’s feelings for me are genuine if he clings to a fantasy life and rejects a real one?”

 

He still looked at me with anger, but I know that he couldn’t reject my reasoning. I turned to leave and tried not to cry, but I knew that I had pushed away the one that matters most to me.

 

I tried to convince myself that it had to be done, but it didn’t make things any easier. Trevelyan had to realize that his false life was detracting from who he was. The Order needed proper leadership if it were to survive. As much as I love Trevelyan, he is not Revan and must allow his memories to return. If I am fortunate, I would still be able to influence him and make him see things my way. With Revan’s support... or me supporting Revan, the Council would lose much of their authority.

 

I still had about two hours left and I felt that Alfred should know of what I was planning to do... all of it.

 

-----

 

“I don’t understand. What you intend to do... it almost sounds like revenge.” Alfred said.

 

“Zez Kae Ell said that the Council was willing to get rid of me because I represented something that challenged jedi beliefs. If the force depends on how an individual uses it... rather than there being a light or a dark side... then the Council was actively defying their own code.” I replied.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“There is ignorance. They have refused knowledge. All I intend to do is discover what they’ve refused to accept, themselves. Then I would pass it on to others to do with as they choose.”

 

He shook his head in frustration. “If you do that... if you attempt to teach potentium among the Order... the Council would do whatever it takes to stop you. I know it’s extremely hypocritical of them, but that’s the way things are. You shouldn’t try to challenge them on this... you may have justice on your side, but you would lose.”

 

I smiled very confidently. “Revan was able to challenge the Council and he was only one man. How did he do it? He couldn’t influence them, so he targeted their followers. He earned enough trust and respect to make them go against everything they were taught. That is how I intend to challenge them.”

 

“Yuthura... I think you’re trying to bite off more than you can chew. You speak of earning respect as if it’s something anyone could take. It would involve...”

 

“I intend to set an example for the Council. As of yesterday, I am never going to drown myself in alcohol again. I am wearing the robes that are specified. I have covered my tattoos for the moment and will soon have them removed.”

 

He smiled at my meager accomplishments. He likely expects that I am taking this too lightly... I know that becoming a role model requires extreme sacrifice, but considering what I was able to accomplish in a day, I was off to a good start. “That’s great to hear, but it’s much more than that...”

 

“I know what has to be done. I’ve only scratched the surface, but I’m determined to do what it takes to save the Order. If the Council can’t do what must be done... then it’s up to me.” I declared.

 

He rested his head upon his fist. “Why you?”

 

“Because no one else will.”

 

He looked down with great sadness. “How can I help?”

 

I shook my head. “I’m telling you this so that you are braced for whatever may happen because of me. I would not ask you to get involved.”

 

“I’m already involved.”

 

I shook my head again. “Alfred, I was never your burden to bear. I know your feelings for the High Council and the chain of command. I know you desire no part in this, so don’t.”

 

He stood up and got behind my chair to rub my shoulders. I was under the impression that he was trying to relax me before delivering bad news, but he was just comforting me. “When the Council excused Atris for provoking you into a fight, I was angry that they would excuse something like that. I encouraged you to let it go because there was nothing to gain from fighting the Council on the issue.”

 

Before he could continue, I told him that this was the same thing. If I were smart, I would just let the issue go and continue with my life.

 

He got in front of me to enforce his next point. “This is ‘not’ the same. It is one thing to excuse the guilty, but to punish the innocent is another.”

 

I smiled at the irony of his reason. “But I was not exactly innocent... was I?”

 

He nodded. “You may have been a sith, but you genuinely wanted to return and the Council would have rejected you one way or another. I can’t stand for that.” Then he crossed his arms. “If I can help you to stop crimes such as that, then I’ll do it.”

 

“You would seriously support me on this?”

 

“As long as it’s in the best interests of the Order, then yes. If I don’t agree with your practices, then I won’t.” He stared at me for a long moment. “If you go against what I believe to be right... I will try to stop you. Is that fair enough?”

 

I nodded.

 

“So what do you intend to do next?” He sat down across from me.

 

“In about an hour, I’ll have to report to the hanger and spend the next day traveling to AR 159. I need to collect some reading materials.” I said.

 

“Is there anything I could do while you’re gone?”

 

“If you could... I’d like to find out about other activities that the Council has kept silent. I would like something to back my claims if they have done something illegal or immoral.”

 

“You’re asking me to obtain classified materials and give them to you. Isn’t that stepping over the line?” He asked.

 

“If there is proof of other crimes, then they have already stepped over the line. Don’t jedi have the right to know what their masters are doing?”

 

“If you resort to activities such as this, you would be acting just as the ones you say are corrupt. It doesn’t matter if they are guilty or not... I don’t have the right to reveal classified info.” He raised his hand to keep me from objecting. “But... that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to point you in the right direction when I find something. There are sources other than the jedi archives where you can get what you need.”

 

I smiled. “Thank-you.”

 

“Master Zez Kae Ell is still here. He won’t leave for Nar Shadaa until tomorrow, so if you need to ask him any more questions, you should...” He was interrupted by the door chime. “Enter!”

 

The door slid open and Trevelyan slowly walked in and stared at me with... I think embarrassment. “Am I interrupting?”

 

Alfred welcomed him in. “Please come in. Would you like some tea? Water?”

 

“I was hoping to speak with Yuthura.”

 

“I could step into the hallway if you like.” Alfred suggested.

 

“It’s alright, Alfred. I think we can bring this to a close.” I said.

 

Alfred saw the discord between the two of us, but didn’t say anything. “There is one last thing.” He walked into the bedroom to retrieve something and came back within a few seconds with my old lightsaber in his hand. He put it on the table in front of me. “I want you to take this. If you’re going to the front lines, you should carry another in reserve. I even refitted it with a violet crystal.”

 

I stared at the old weapon for a few seconds before picking it up and igniting the blade of light. After disengaging it, I embraced Alfred. Trevelyan was in the corner of my eye and he smiled at the sight of a master and his apprentice sharing a tender moment. “Thank-you. I will see you again in a few days.”

 

After letting go, he stared at my face for a moment to appreciate how I will look once the tattoos are removed forever. We nodded and I turned to walk out the door with Trevelyan leading the way.

 

Once it slid closed, I stood with my arms crossed and waited to hear what he had to say.

 

“Can we speak in a more secluded area?” He said.

 

“I would like to you what you intend to say first. What is this about?”

 

“Why do you want Revan’s memories to resurface? Why did you not speak of this until now?”

 

“Because I didn’t know you were actively keeping the memories from returning... genuine memories. I’ve always thought of you as Alex Trevelyan because that’s the only life you’ve ever known. You are just as much a person as Revan was, but you have to face a fact. You would be better off to have your genuine memories in addition to your false life.”

 

“Revan was an evil man. I don’t want to think or act as he did. It’s not...”

 

“If you had lived his life...” I sighed in the frustration of trying to explain it to him. “You had lived his life. You had come to believe the same things the Revan has. What troubles you more? Is it that know know you’ve gone down that path and could again? Could it be that Revan had good reasons for what he did?”

 

I just touched a nerve and he looked like he was going to hit me, but I didn’t flinch... I knew he wouldn’t go that far.

 

I tried to get closer to him, but he stepped back. “Why does this upset so greatly?”

 

“Can we discuss this somewhere other than the hallway?”

 

I nodded.

 

-----

 

We went back to his quarters and I suspected that I was going to be thrown out again. After sitting down across the table, he stared at me... almost with contempt. I could understand why he would, but I hoped he would come to see reason.

 

“This isn’t the best time to leave off with an unsettled personal issue. We need to have our minds clear when we depart with the rest of the jedi. I’ll just say what’s bothering me... when I warned you that Revan’s memories could lead me to despise you... it didn’t seem to matter. I couldn’t believe you could think in such a way... I couldn’t believe you’d disregard everything I had done for you.”

 

“Do you really think I would forget a little something like the one who went to unreasonable lengths to rescue me from the sith and myself? Do you think I would spit on that?”

 

“You didn’t say it directly, but yes. How did you say it? If I genuinely loved you, then nothing would change that? If not, then it’s all the same to you?” He scoffed in disgust. “I want the truth... why do you want my memories of the Dark Lord to resurface?”

 

I stared at him for a moment as I tried to understand it, myself. “Act for what I know is right, even if it leads to my death. That was the oath I had made to you. That is what I believe is right.”

 

He looked at me as if I lost my mind. “How can you, of all people, possibly think that?! Why would you ask it of me?!”

 

I stood up and shouted to get the point across. “Because the Council did not have the right! Revan didn’t die when Malak fired in that ship... it happened when the Council wiped your mind!” I calmed myself and sat back down. “They are your real memories and I don’t want to see you... incomplete anymore.”

 

He dropped his head in doubt. “It’s nice to know how you think of me.”

 

I shook my head. “I don’t think of less of you for clinging to a fantasy life... you had nothing else.” I stood up and got on a knee beside him. “I don’t like that you are refusing true memories that you should not have been denied.” I looked at Revan to plead for him to do the right thing. “On Korriban, you showed me truths that I had forgotten. Not once have I been upset to have learned of what I had become. Will you please let your true memories return?”

 

He sighed as if he wanted to deny what I asked, but couldn’t. “You know the Council wouldn’t like that?”

 

I just stared at him to silently say that I wouldn’t accept anything other than ‘yes.’

 

He nodded. “But I can’t deny who I was anymore. It’s never been a matter of ‘if’ I could fall... I had.” He stared forward. “But if I do... it would mean waking up a different person... a second time.”

 

I shook my head again. “We are never the same from one moment to the next. The memories should gradually return and you would change as if you just lived them.”

 

He gave me an unconfident smile. “I hope you’re right about that.” He looked at the clock. “We’ve still got about an hour before we need to depart. We should be ready by then.”

 

I stood up and answered. “I’m already prepared. I’ve nothing planned until then. Do you?”

 

He looked at me in disbelief. “I think we’re resolved. I would rather just leave things as they are.”

 

I nodded. “Of course. Forgive me.”

 

“There is nothing to forgive. I just think we could continue when we return.” He said.

 

-----

 

After collecting my gear, I reported to the hanger about fifteen minutes before departure. Masters Kavar and Vash were waiting near one of the ships along with a few of others.

 

When I approached, Master Vash spoke up. “I’ve taken over for Master Vrook. You’ll be reporting to me.”

 

“Very well.” I replied.

 

“Padawan Senegal will be serving under your advisement... not mine. Do you understand?”

 

“Hold on. What’s going on?”

 

“Padawan Senegal has volunteered to go with us on this mission. The Council has granted his request.”

 

“I thought the regulations prohibited Padawans from being dispatched to war. How did this come to be?”

 

“He volunteered, is capable of handing himself, and we need all the help we can get. If you wish, you could start training him, or he’ll be under my command as well.” She stated.

 

“You mean he is currently my apprentice? Why wasn’t I consulted on this?” I protested.

 

“He is not your apprentice at the current time. If you wish to train him and he will follow you, I think this would be an appropriate way to determine how well you two would interact before it is official.” Vash said.

 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I was expecting to have a week before I started with him. AR 159 is not the best place to start training him... it would detract from my efforts and I have never been in a war zone, myself. I think this is a bad idea.”

 

She gave me a confident smile. “Ross is not a raw recruit. He can take care of himself, so you shouldn’t have to worry too much about his safety.”

 

“Then what’s my purpose if he’s already got the training down?”

 

She chuckled almost as if to mock me. “You’d be surprised how much he has yet to learn... and I’m sure you have much you can teach him.” Then she walked back to Master Kavar and continued their prior conversation.

 

Revan had walked in while I was talking to Vash and he collected his group around another ship. He was a distance away, but I saw him make eye contact and nod to me... likely giving me a silent goodbye. We couldn’t do anymore in front of these people, so that meant as much to me as a kiss or an ‘I love you.’

 

I have never been to war and I felt as I had on Nar Shadaa before I walked into Fasa’s palace. I hated to admit it, but I was very jittery. Had I been with Alfred or a friend, I think I’d feel much more confident. At least Vrook wouldn’t be giving me orders, but I truly didn’t know enough about Vash to have an opinion.

 

With about ten minutes before launch, I was surprised to hear a familiar voice. “Ross Senegal reporting for duty.”

 

Vash turned to face him. “I’m glad to have you with us, padawan.” She turned her attention to me. “Yuthura... how would you like to proceed?”

 

I stared at Ross’s expression of anticipation and anxiety. He gave a very ‘puppydog’ face, but it didn’t work on me. “I’ll take responsibility for this one.”

 

Vash nodded. “Very well. Ross... Yuthura will be under my command, but you will take your orders from her. If you encounter any problems, you should bring them to me. Are there any questions?”

 

I was feeling very uneasy about this. At the same time I’m going into unfamiliar territory, I would have to navigate through while setting a proper example. It is said that a leader always knows the answer even when she doesn’t... to give confidence to her followers. I try to keep away from that by having the answers as much as possible, but I knew little of war. I feared I would be lying to Ross very frequently during this.

 

He noticed it by my expression. “Master Yuthura... are you alright?”

 

“What?”

 

“You look very nervous.” Vash commented.

 

I faced him. “Ross... this is the first time I would be in a war. I seriously wouldn’t recommend that you follow my lead. The truth is that I don’t have the experience for you to trust me.”

 

He grinned. “Then perhaps I can take the lead?”

 

“What?” I didn’t get the joke.

 

Vash stepped in. “Ross has seen his share of wars. If you can’t trust yourself, then trust him. Teach him what you know, but remember to listen. This is meant to enrich both of you, not just your student.” She extended her hand to me. “Good luck to both of you.”

 

After we shook, Ross corrected Vash. “There is no luck, Master Vash.”

 

She stood by her sentiment. “I beg to differ... but only because luck is little more than the right or wrong combination of opportunity, preparation, and confidence. The better prepared you are for the trials ahead, the greater your opportunities will become. It will be up to you to build the confidence you need to work together. Remember that the harder you prepare, the better your luck will become. Even if your luck does take a turn for the worst, realize that it is better than if you trusted on luck alone.”

 

I think that was the kind of advice I needed at that moment. I didn’t have the confidence I would need, but it was something that I had control of. I lacked the preparation, but could rely on Ross for what I couldn’t do on my own. I was staring an opportunity in the eye. All in all... I may have been given some much-needed luck.

 

I smiled at Ross. “I suppose there’s nothing like on-the-job training.”

 

“I’m honored to be serving under you, Master Yuthura.” He said as he bowed to me.

 

“Don’t address me as ‘master’ again. The hate the term.” I said.

 

He looked at me for a moment before connecting the term with slavery. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

 

I was already getting frustrated with this kid. He was always sucking up to me and apologizing for minor things that aren’t problematic. “There is nothing to be sorry for. It’s what you’ve been taught and I understand that. I’m not going to go berserk at a simple mistake or an inconvenience, so don’t be afraid of that.”

 

Before I could continue, Master Vash started shouting to the group. “Everyone is assembled. Let’s get on board the shuttle and we’ll depart. Yuthura... you are our pilot.”

[Rev7]

Very nice job. I am surprised that Sengal is going on this mission though. I look forward to seeing what comes out of this mission for the both of them.

 

Revan is getting soft, due to Yuthura. I also look forward to see what comes of their conversation after Yuthura returns from her mission.

 

Great chapter, and I think that the things that you want to convey, are being well...conveyed. :/

[Darth_Yuthura]

Thanks, but I had intended to display Trevelyan as a very strong person at the beginning who was like a perfect role model, but I don't think I did too well with that. I had intended for Yuthura to start out as completely dependent on Trevelyan... learn to handle herself... and eventually switch roles where she would have to be the role model.

 

I suppose that I could accept that Trevelyan was never that strong to begin with, but as his true memories begin to return, he'll slowly withdraw from Yuthura and they both allow their relationship to dissolve. Although I like the two of them together, they get weaker the more they care for the other. From this point in the story on, Revan will start addressing himself by his real name.

[HIGH ON PIE 14]

No, you didn't portray Revan as a perfect role model, but then again he really souldn't be. Wow, there are going to be some big changes with Tre- I mean Revan. I hope they can still be friends at the end though.

 

Interesting that Senegal is going on the mission, but I like the idea. Out of curiosity, why did you replace Vrook with Vash? Did she just fit in better or what? I'm not complaining mind you , just wonderin why. Except for Zez, in TSL I always got the impression that Vash was a reasonable enough person, considering she is one of the council. It will be interesting to see your take. Not like grouchy old Vrook.

 

Overall these last two chps were very good. I'm looking forward to the Revan and Yuthura discussion after the mission. Keep it up.

[Darth_Yuthura]

To HOP: Like the new avatar.

 

I originally had Vrook because he would cause great discord in the war zone. Because I won't have an opportunity to switch masters, I wanted to open the possibility for Yuthura to have a friend on the Council who agrees with her that the Council stepped over the line with Revan. Since Vash hasn't made much of an appearance in the game, I could create a personality of my choice.

 

As of this point... the Council believes that Yuthura doesn't know about the potentium theory. She is keeping that to herself. I think that it would be nice to see at least one of the Council members admitting that she wronged Yuthura, Revan, and the Exile. And to discover that Vandar(who see greatly respected) would have been against her.

 

Maybe I spilled too much info, but that's why.

[Burnseyy]

really great so far!

i'm still like way behind on the first few chapters, but still.

it can only get better.