Darth_Yuthura Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Well I'm going to be painting a very sad picture that is the Jedi Council. I just want to show that they are not all bad. I may follow Bastila's advice... what greater weapon is there than to turn an enemy to your cause? Yuthura will learn this well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 That advice was probably the only slightly useful thing Bastila said lol I think that would be a wonderful idea to put into this story. You know how Yuthura looks in the game? Is that how you picture her in this story? Because I have a slightly modified idea of her appearance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Well I had her choose a twi'lek outfit like the avatar, but with long sleeves and two lightsabers. Then I went and did something stupid like have her acting like a good girl and wearing the robes again. The biggest difference is that she had very pale skin because of the physical effects of the dark side. In the story, her skin is a much richer violet and she will have the tattoos for a few months before removing them. Maybe something else is in store for her physical appearance. Since Yuthura had no problem with modesty, she wanted something that wasn't cumbersome. She also wanted to take advantage of her twi'lek charm, so she chose something more revealing. As for the jedi dress code... I also wanted to display her blatant disregard of minor rules at the beginning and slowly come to act like a model jedi. Her reasons should become obvious the later in the story you get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I wouldn't worry too much about post count. Afterall, if staff thought them too spammy...they'd cut 'em out. Currently about 2 chapters behind, but no complaints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I don't think that this story is really all that repititious at all! I wouldn't see the need to delete any of the chapters.... Another great chapter Darth_Yuthura. I didn't realize that Beleya was in this story, I thought that she was in that other Yuthura Ban story...maybe I am just mistaken. Good job though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Well it's really great how Darth_Yuthura makes great characters out of characters that, in original, were just a small lill' fraction of the story... Keep up! And stop being so worried, the fic is coming along nice! Just stay on this line at all will be fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 I am still developing Yuhtura's apprentice and would like to know what people think before I finalize Ross's personality. I wanted to have a very capable apprentice that Yuthura would be able to handle, but I want him to be very different from her. I had a chapter coming up where Yuthura deliberately does something that disregards modesty in order to refine Ross's perception of her. In the end, she says that maybe Ross isn't supposed to be like her. Being like her meant being able to embarrass oneself if the situation demanded it. This leaves him in an uncomfortable place after that. Before I commit to this chapter, I would like to know if it's in Yuthura's character to show who she really is... rather than what she chooses to display. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Wow! Don't give us spoilers plssss! I had enough by reading your conversation with Burnseyy. After all, it's important how you make a fic, but the storyline is greater imo, and you give it away. Stop! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Wow! Don't give us spoilers plssss! I had enough by reading your conversation with Burnseyy. After all, it's important how you make a fic, but the storyline is greater imo, and you give it away. Stop! What do you expect when you look at the most recent replies?! Do you think we're discussing basket weaving? I'm glad to have people reading and responding, but to those haven't caught up to the last chapter... know that the most recent feedbacks are directly related to the story. If I could hide spoilers, I will, but you have to accept that feedbacks are in response to the most recent chapters. If you don't want a spoiler, then don't read the most recent replies! I'm not saying I won't go to the effort of hiding spoilers, but readers have to realize that you can't blame an author if you read the last page before you've caught up to it. Is this not reasonable? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheExile Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Is very reasonable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am still developing Yuhtura's apprentice and would like to know what people think before I finalize Ross's personality. I wanted to have a very capable apprentice that Yuthura would be able to handle, but I want him to be very different from her. I had a chapter coming up where Yuthura deliberately does something that disregards modesty in order to refine Ross's perception of her. In the end, she says that maybe Ross isn't supposed to be like her. Being like her meant being able to embarrass oneself if the situation demanded it. This leaves him in an uncomfortable place after that. Before I commit to this chapter, I would like to know if it's in Yuthura's character to show who she really is... rather than what she chooses to display. That would depend on who she shows it to. If its just Ross then yes. To others...depends. Honestly you are the Yuthura expert here and have written a wonderful fic without my help. Its a strange yet refreshingly new combination, Yuthura and Ross. Most stories would just have the master teaching the apprentice - again and again. Ross is very smart and quick, and while different, has good chemistry with Yuthura, as far as enjoyable reading goes. I like the whole "you aren´t meant to be like me" thing. Glad I´m finally caught up! I eagerly await the next chapter. -HOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 3 more chapters until I'm up to date. And I read your comment about using what you know in a fiction. I agree, always makes fictions really good. However, most of my knowledge is basic and can't even be used in Star Wars fictions. I should have listened in Geography lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lance Monance Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Read through the entire thing in just 2 days (yes, got too much time on my hands). Anyway, since you're looking for opinions I'll give you mine. I find it rather impressive how you manage to build Yuthura's character so well considering that there's very little information available on her in the game. I especially like how you utilize first person to express Yuthura's personal thoughts and deliberations. When a seemingly selfless gesture is revealed to be quite egoistic in nature through that, it adds depth to a character. Your story is outstanding in that regard, imo. As far as the plot itself is concerned..well. It's good and flows well. I'll wait to see how it unfolds. Do you intend to make it completely compatible with TSL? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 Thank-you for your comments and giving your compliments. I remember when I had this posted elsewhere and didn't even know if it was even being read. When I first played the game, I didn't even realize Yuthura could be turned. When I did finally save her, I was just so impressed at how believable her reasons were. Darth Vader was not as convincing because he was simply told there was good still in him. Yuthura was asked "has anything changed?" Her anger, hate, compassion, and remorse seemingly outclassed Vader in every way. I just thought there was something lacking... she had to be so inspired by Revan that she would follow him wherever he went. To answer Lance's question: I do intend to leave this off so that the events of TSL aren't obstructed. This story fits the canical events, but is not canical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 This chapter is incomplete, but I needed some feedback as to what's lacking before I can complete it. I've got the dialog nailed down well enough, but I'm lacking in certain areas. ----- When the battle was over, the casualties were light, but the medical stations were filled and all the kolto tanks occupied... Belaya was in one of them. In almost every holovid and book I’ve read that involved war, the victors would cheer at their success. Although we held, there was no cheer... just relief that they got through another battle and lived. I could not imagine what it was like to go through five months of it. When I went to see her... it was strange. She and I were not friends, yet when I saw her on the ground, wounded... nothing was more important than saving her life. Even after this, I still felt guilty that I didn’t act fast enough to throw away that grenade. I saw it sitting on the ground for over a second, but I didn’t act. When I finally did, I threw it for the sole purpose of getting it away from me. Even though I did save us both, I couldn’t escape the fact that she was caught in the blast radius and I wasn’t. It wasn’t survivor’s guilt, which was always self-generated, I had a genuine reason to feel remorse for what happened. I would never forget that moment... I relived it over and over again. I knew that even if I had hesitated, I still could have thrown that grenade so both of us would have been clear of the blast radius. Instead, I threw it without thinking of Belaya. I didn’t throw it at her, but she was between me and the explosion. When I heard that she had survived, I felt so relieved to know that I was ‘off the hook’ as some say. I was so concerned that I would be responsible for her death, but now I could take comfort in knowing I saved her... that Master Vash and I saved her. ----- Despite being physically and mentally exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. I had hoped that seeing Belaya would give me some peace, but I just stared at her as if there were some great mystery to unravel. I was just wasting time as I stared at the consequences of my actions. Within a few minutes, I heard some heavy footsteps tramping outside the infirmary. Along with the steps was the sound of metal scraping against clothing and armor. Although I could not directly sense his mind, I knew it was Canderous. Very few people had the ability to cloud their thoughts to a jedi without the force; Canderous was one of them. I was very lonely... not simply because I was alone with an unconscious comrade, but because those closest to me were elsewhere. In times like these, either Alfred or Trevelyan would have been there to comfort me and help me with my troubles. Although I knew Ross, Belaya, Hayashi, and Vash; I didn’t feel I could turn to any of them. Of all the people on this base, Canderous was the closest thing I had to a friend... and I knew I needed some guidance right now. After I heard him walk past the infirmary door, I went into the hallway and started following him. I wanted to make it seem like I was just going to the same destination he was... so that it wouldn’t seem that I wanted to bother him. I knew how much he hated long-winded talking, so I wanted to engage him without hearing him say ‘Yeah, what do you want?' in that grouchy tone. Canderous looked like he had been in the battle earlier tonight, but hasn’t showered yet. He was wearing black fiber armor that was covered with dirt. I could smell the chemical residue from explosives and that his cloths were soaked in sweat. Those huge boots of his stamped the floor hard with each step seemingly hitting harder than what gravity would allow. There was a heavy weapon dangling from his shoulder which brushed against his leg as it swung back and forth. The rattling of the internal components caused a rhythmic clatter each time he put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t know why, but simply observing that huge gun was intimidating... similar to the way a fear of pain is just as terrible as pain itself. Just hearing the clatter of that gun seemed to emphasize just how solid and real it was... and what it was designed to do. I had followed him for fewer than ten paces and he turned around. “I saw you after the battle... you weren’t very stoic.” I didn’t realize he knew I was behind him. What he said also startled me. “Stoic?” “Yeah. You looked very timid after the fighting had ended. I could tell just by your body language that you wouldn’t have weathered the Mandalorian Wars.” I wasn’t expecting cheerful words, but I wasn’t expecting that he would directly insult me. “Watch your tongue.” I hissed in a threatening way. “Or have you forgotten who you’re speaking to?” He crossed his arms as if to show that my threat rolled right off his back. “Not a sith, I can say that...” Before I could react to that, he made another thing known. “...but before you give me another empty threat... I’m not ridiculing you. I just hope you realize that if you can’t handle war, you shouldn’t be here.” ‘Shouldn’t be here’? Why was he suggesting something that couldn’t be done? I agreed that I shouldn’t be on the front lines, but I had no choice... I couldn’t just walk away from my responsibilities. I didn’t know if there was anything I could say. I looked down as if in shame, but it was just for display... I really didn’t believe what he said. He broke the silence. “We Mandalorian have lived for battle, but most jedi aren’t bred for war. I’ll give you credit for not cowering in your fortress like so many others, but if you can’t handle the pressure, you can’t lead these soldiers.” I looked up. “I’m not leading these men. That’s why Master Vash is in command.” He shook his head in disappointment. “You’re a jedi! It doesn’t matter whether you’re giving them orders or cleaning the trash compactor... they look up to you! If you, a jedi, display doubt or weakness, it will reflect on everyone around you. You all have to show the men confidence or they will believe they’ve already lost.” I lowered my head for real this time at the realization that I had even greater responsibilities than I originally believed. I was not stoic and I knew that people could read my emotions like a book. After the battle had ended, I displayed to the men a very grim expression. I was glad that Belaya didn’t die, but I was so traumatized by the battle that I had no command over my emotions. I knew he was right, but I tried to defend myself. “Canderous... what was it like for you the first time you entered a major battle? I’ve been in combat before... I’ve put my life at risk before, but this was different. You spoke of war and fighting with Revan as different...” “The scale of the battle makes the difference. It’s one thing to see... a dozen enemies in front of you. You can gauge yourself and your adversaries; allowing you to assess exactly what you need for victory. When I fought alongside Revan, very often victory boiled down to killing all the enemies in front of us or leaving them behind so we could escape.” He gestured me to follow him. “I don’t want to stand around talking to you. I need to get some things from the armory. If you want to keep talking, you’ll have to follow me.” I nodded and started walking along side him instead of following. I didn’t know exactly where the armory was and would have followed anyone else... but he smelled so bad that I didn’t want to be in his wake. “So the difference between a battle and a fight is based on numbers? I would think being outnumbered ten to one in a fight would be worse than being three to one in a battle.” I just came to realize the battle today was even more in our favor than anything I could imagine. “The battle waged today was four to one in our favor. I don’t understand...” “Because you were in the heat of the battle and no one was in front of you. Imagine if you had a million Republic soldiers behind you and only a thousand sith soldiers in front. Most of those million friendly guns can’t be used because so many friends are between them and the enemy. As for those enemies... any one of those thousand guns could be aimed at you at any given moment. And because you’re between them and those friends behind you... you’re not just one in a million... soldiers on the front lines are in direct danger while those behind are often completely protected.” “I think I get what you mean.” “From a commander’s perspective, the thousand would achieve the greatest man for man ratio, but it’s different for one who is ordered to stand in the line of fire while your friends behind give the command.” That didn’t answer my question. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how that applies to my situation.” We had arrived at the armory at that point in the conversation. “My point is that that small scale battles where you can analyze your situation is much different from those where you can’t. You don’t use the same tactics for major battles as you would for an intense fight. Because there are more enemies than you can possibly fight by yourself, it’s more important to hold onto your life and those of your allies than delivering punishment to the enemy. No matter how many you kill, there would be more to take their place. And because you don’t know how long the battle will last, you must endure for as long as possible.” He grabbed his gun and displayed it to me. “You jedi really should learn to use blasters. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s civilized... it’s simply better than running into the line of fire... not to mention easier.” “On the contrary. The lightsaber is the most effective weapon a jedi could use. Surely we’ve proven that to you.” “I’m not saying to get rid of it. It does have the advantage of turning an enemy’s own weapons against them. I just think it would do you well to augment it with a ranged weapon. In war, you take whatever advantage you can get, whether you expect to use it or not. If you are familiar with the weapons your enemies use, wouldn’t that compliment your skills further?” “Perhaps. However, I don’t have the time to learn that now. Maybe after we get back, you could teach me?” He chuckled at the thought of a jedi using a blaster. “I’m not exactly volunteering for that role. Besides, I don’t look to the future until I’ve dealt with the present. We’ve got a job to do.” “Yeah... only problem is that I’m supposed to lead these soldiers and I don’t know how to handle myself.” I sighed in discomfort and looked around the room that was filled with more guns than I could identify. The armory had been restocked by the same vessel that brought the food and medical supplies. I could still see that many of the weapons in the back were old and had seen much battle. The newer ones were almost the same models, but had a pure black and metallic look to them. I was almost attracted at the sight of the workmanship that went into the sleek designs. Lightsabers were not mass produced. That was partially because each jedi had a unique hilt that they were conformable with. Although Ross could easily adapt to the lightsaber I gave him, he was used to one with a longer hilt and which fit his grip. The one I had loaned him was an almost perfect cylinder that could be used for one or two hands. The main reason for customized lightsabers came from how each jedi had their spirit in the weapon they built, so they had to have hilts that was unique like themselves. To me, a lightsaber didn’t carry a person’s spirit within them... it was just a weapon that I carried. I only took back my old lightsaber because I knew it was a psychological issue that had been bothering me. I thought that by destroying or losing the lightsaber I attacked Alfred with, I would be erasing that from my past. Since it would always be burned in my memories, I just took it and faced that it was me... not the weapon that I hated for that unprovoked attack on my master. My mind had wandered for a moment before Canderous was repeating himself to get my attention. “Hey! You wanted to speak to me, so either pay attention or conclude this.” “I’m sorry. Say again?” He sighed in frustration and turned his attention back to collecting ammunition packs. He had a duffle bag that he was stuffing with grenades, mines, and ammunition. I was surprised at how heavy the bag looked. I couldn’t imagine how even a Mandalorian could lift such loads, but he kept jamming the bag with whatever he could. After he cleared a shelf of all the spare ammunition packs, he faced me. “I was offering you a chance to take advantage of my vast knowledge of battle and tactics. The Republic hired me for my experience. The problem is that Mandalorian don’t inspire Republic troops as much as jedi. Maybe we can help each other out?” All too often I heard the phrase ‘help each other out.’ That usually meant one person trusting another and the other taking advantage of it. I thought this was another of those times, but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. That didn’t mean I trusted him. “What do you have in mind?” I asked. “I’ve been in a battle very much like the one we are fighting now. Only I was leading the forces against an outpost under siege on Althir. The Republic believed that since I had experience fighting in this kind of situation that I’d be the perfect one to predict the sith’s strategy.” I heard irony in his tone. “But...?” “The sith aren’t using the same tactics that my commander on Althir devised. It seems that the sith commander hasn’t adjusted his tactics since the Star Forge was destroyed. Before that, all that he had to do was send whatever forces he received and not be concerned of the losses. In the last two months, he’s slowly whittled away his invasion army on these small-scale attacks.” “If he had such a large force to begin with, then why didn’t they all go against the Republic forces in one engagement? That doesn’t seem to make sense.” “I think that they realized that they didn’t have the numbers they once did. Now they have been launching small-scale random attacks with hit-and-run tactics. If it weren’t for the jedi, those tanks they used were likely expected to return after they caused havoc and damage. Now that they know jedi have entered the battle, they will undoubtedly will launch that full scale attack you mentioned.” I nodded, not knowing if that was good or bad for the situation. These soldiers needed to be shipped out of here and a single engagement may be the best way to end this. However, that meant facing the full force of whatever sith army there is. “Do you have any idea how many sith troops there are? I don’t understand why this fuel station has been under siege for three months. That doesn’t seem like the kind of strategy the sith would use.” “Like I said: the sith commander had been using tactics that would have suited the sith if the Star Forge were still churning out ships for their war effort. We don’t have an exact count, but the Republic ship had scanned the size of the sith garrison and estimated the Sith began with roughly 10,000. Through sheer stupidity and poor tactics, that number has dwindled to anywhere between 2 and 4 thousand. Their fighters have all been lost, but they still have at least a hundred armored vehicles... those are the greatest threat because they can only be destroyed by explosives or heavy cannons. And the Republic was so kind as to not provide any to replace what has been destroyed or spent.” I thought the odds were overwhelming. I could not imagine a battle where a thousand demoralized and exhausted troops could fend off four times their number. Those tanks were so powerful that I could not imagine these guys taking on a hundred of them as well. Canderous seemed so calm that I couldn’t understand why he could say all that like he was describing the weather. Then I realized that he never answered my original question. “You spoke of helping each other out. What does that have to do with it?” He seemed irritated at that and reacted in a very grouchy way. “Hey listen sister! You asked another question before I could answer the first! I think there is a way to gain a tactical advantage over the remaining sith forces, but your Master Vash is too afraid to dispatch a covert mission into the Sith garrison.” “A covert mission? What do you have in mind?” Canderous looked around as if he were about to tell me a secret. He softly spoke, but did not whisper. “You’ve been getting a few of those fighters battle-ready. How many can you have armed by tomorrow?” “Four... maybe five, but I’m not the one in charge of the repair efforts.” He looked disappointed. “That’s not many, but it may be enough to take out a third of their armored vehicles. The problem is that the sith garrison is undoubtedly protected by air defense towers. Type 14 fighters are very effective against ground forces, but are vulnerable to air defense systems. If someone could take out one or even two AD towers, those few fighters would be able to lay waste to ground forces almost without limit.” I didn’t like where this was going. If there was going to be a covert mission, it would be done by a jedi. I was the most likely candidate for obvious reasons, but that wouldn’t matter if there was not going to be a mission in which to participate. Now I was drawn between two incentives. I wanted to get out of this place alive, but that likely wouldn’t happen unless I convinced Master Vash to launch this mission. However, if did that, then I would be placing myself in the heart of the enemy’s encampment. The tattoos I still bared were only one thing that made me the logical choice. The other things was the fact that I still haven’t been discovered by the sith yet. It is very likely that my sith access codes were still valid... allowing me to get just about anywhere and everywhere within the enemy’s base. My mind had wandered again and Canderous had to get my attention again. “So you know what you need to do? I need you to persuade Master Vash to launch a covert mission to infiltrate the sith’s base and disable the AD systems. If that could be done before the sith dispatch their forces, Republic fighters would have a huge advantage over the artillery that are just sitting out in the open.” “So how would I do that?” “The AD towers the sith have used are autonomous units equipped with their own power and shield generators. If a jedi could infiltrate the sith base and place an explosive charge on or near the towers’ generators, they could be disabled. The problem is that the one infiltrating the base can’t carry very much more than a few kilograms of explosives without disrupting the stealth field. The one going in will need to know what they’re doing, or the small charges won’t be enough.” He said as he grabbed a small explosive device about the size of a grenade and showed it to me. I sighed heavily at hearing the details of the mission just getting better and better. “You also would have to find one brave enough to attempt something like that... and a stealth generator would not be required. I could just walk right in and no one would suspect me.” “So it’s going to be you who goes in?” I just looked at him as if to say ‘why would it be anyone else?’ Then I swung my arm to snatch the explosive from his hand. After a moment of examining it, I kept my eyes on the device, but answered his question. “Obviously. However, I’m not a demolitions expert.” I raised my head as another problem came to my mind. “Not only that, but Master Vash hasn’t approved anything. We only have two fighters ready to fly, but the others have yet to be made battle-ready. This whole thing depends on a lot of ‘if’s.’ You realize that?” “That’s why you have to find Master Vash and convince her to do this. It is important that we go on the offensive, or the sith forces will overwhelm us. The sooner we begin preparing for this, the more likely we will succeed.” “Alright. I’ll tell her first thing in the morning.” I turned around to leave, but he firmly grabbed my shoulder so that I would turn myself around as I walked away. “You don’t understand what I just said... she needs to approve this immediately. The sith are likely to attack tomorrow evening, so we need to have everything ready before then. Go and find her. If she’s asleep, then wake her.” I sighed heavily. I was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep, but I knew I would have to get back to helping the mechanics after Master Vash approved the plan. Then after that, I would have yet another job to do. Although I wanted sleep, I saw the consequences were too great to give in. “Very well. I’ll go get her authorization now. What are you going to do?” He looked at me, confused. “Me?” “It is your plan. You should come along as well.” “Vash would be more likely to listen to a jedi than a Mandalorian. If you make it seem as though you had the same idea as I did, then it’d be more convincing. Besides, I’ve got to get these...” He gestured to the duffle bag stuffed with blaster packs and grenades. “...to troops that need them. I've got my own duties to worry about." As he slid the bag off the counter, it was too heavy for him and it hit the floor. The fall tore the bag open and everything spilled all over the floor. As he started cursing in Mandalorian, I was trying hard not to laugh. It was not something I would like happening to me, but it was amusing to see that happen after he spent so much effort loading the bag. I knew he couldn't lift it, but he was so sure of his strength that he didn't think that far ahead. He got on the floor to start picking of the mess, but then looked at me. "Would you mind?" He gestured to the pile. I finally broke a smile and turned towards the door. "I've got my own duties to attend to. Like you said; time was critical." As I walked out, I could only imagine the look on him that I wouldn't help with such a trivial thing. I knew it was a childish thing to just walk out, but as far as I was concerned; I didn't make that mess and certainly wasn't going to clean it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 it's been read! I really like how Yuthura and Canderous have become 'friends'. In some respects I could see how they'd get along, but at the same time they're so different. Great descriptions, very convincing dialogue, and overall, a brilliant piece. Do you feel better now that you've posted it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 it's been read! I really like how Yuthura and Canderous have become 'friends'. In some respects I could see how they'd get along, but at the same time they're so different. Great descriptions, very convincing dialogue, and overall, a brilliant piece. Do you feel better now that you've posted it? Maybe... I'd feel better if someone else could improve upon it. Then again, this is my story. Now I've got another action piece in front of me... how do you think I feel about that? I appreciate knowing someone has read it and called it 'brilliant.' What did you think about the war/fight ratio? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 I think you have a very good way for weaponry and warfare terminology, and that made the battle chapter very realistic. Although I think some more description could have gone into it, I really liked how you described the 'quickness' of it all, and especially after the grenade detonated Got any shooting/war games? Like Halo? That might get you in the mood to write another war scene. I always set chapters up like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 I think you have a very good way for weaponry and warfare terminology, and that made the battle chapter very realistic. Although I think some more description could have gone into it, I really liked how you described the 'quickness' of it all, and especially after the grenade detonated Got any shooting/war games? Like Halo? That might get you in the mood to write another war scene. I always set chapters up like that. I've got Jedi Knight 2/3. My only issue with this is that actions are very simple and keeping track of it step by step is difficult. Even when I try to diversify the attacks and list all the possible actions the player can take, it's difficult to articulate the actions and put them into words. The last battle was aimed at trying to see how things can go wrong and avoid repeating the same actions when possible. The Ross lightsaber thing was a simple miscommunication that could result in a very intense situation. I also assumed that people often follow a plan and then see a better one... such as the adhesive grenade attack changing. I also tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a battle... a warfare battle and trying to understand why Yuthura would not have fared well. She did risk her life before, but never while alongside others. This is a new thing for her almost entirely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marius Fett Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 That last chapter is HAWT. This fic could make a good mod to play through, if anyone were suicidal enough to try and make it. How long are you planning on making this fic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 That last chapter is HAWT. This fic could make a good mod to play through, if anyone were suicidal enough to try and make it. How long are you planning on making this fic? This story has already extended far beyond what I expected to do. I suppose that as long as I have ideas and avoid repetition, this story could continue without limit. Although I already have an ending set, I am not yet ready to start that final story arc. I still have a number of things I want to go through before that happens. The ending is still a long ways off... that's all I'll say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Good read! I like Candy's idea. I eagerly await the next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 I've got Jedi Knight 2/3. My only issue with this is that actions are very simple and keeping track of it step by step is difficult. Even when I try to diversify the attacks and list all the possible actions the player can take, it's difficult to articulate the actions and put them into words. The last battle was aimed at trying to see how things can go wrong and avoid repeating the same actions when possible. The Ross lightsaber thing was a simple miscommunication that could result in a very intense situation. I also assumed that people often follow a plan and then see a better one... such as the adhesive grenade attack changing. I also tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a battle... a warfare battle and trying to understand why Yuthura would not have fared well. She did risk her life before, but never while alongside others. This is a new thing for her almost entirely. You could always ask those of us who know, kid, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Maybe... I'd feel better if someone else could improve upon it. Then again, this is my story. Now I've got another action piece in front of me... how do you think I feel about that? I appreciate knowing someone has read it and called it 'brilliant.' What did you think about the war/fight ratio? The war to fight ratio was IMO the most interesting part of the chapter. You portrayed Canderous' knowledge of war very well. I thought that chapter was pretty complete, what do you think it lacked? I like the whole secret military strike. It will be intersting to see if Vash signs off on it...Can't wait for the next chapter! ~HOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 19, 2008 Author Share Posted August 19, 2008 The war to fight ratio was IMO the most interesting part of the chapter. You portrayed Canderous' knowledge of war very well. I thought that chapter was pretty complete, what do you think it lacked? I like the whole secret military strike. It will be intersting to see if Vash signs off on it...Can't wait for the next chapter! ~HOP If I knew what it lacked, I wouldn't be asking now... would I? I just sense that there is a piece of the story not being told and that... I was hoping to display Yuthura as clearly not made for war, but Canderous making her feel better by saying that she came while Vrook cowered away. The bit I was missing was how Canderous said courage was a great thing to have, but it did not define a warrior. There have been many courageous people whom have died... none of them were special. I wanted him to compliment Yuthura for her courage, but convince her that if she isn't capable of sustaining herself in war, that she get out of there. More will be know in the next chapter. Thanks for reading. -DY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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