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Litofsky Newbie

Litofsky

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A nice chapter, Mach, however, as I read, I discovered a discrepancy in the Point of View (moving from third person to first person): at first, when Revan's tale is being told, it is in third person, however, several sections (the following, specifically) are in first person:

 

I watched her. “Admiral, we are going to end this war in a few minutes. Do I have to drag the truth from you a sentence at a time?”

 

She handed me her pad. “The Republic did not sanction attacks in retaliation for what happened at Sorribor. The reason is was because the attack, the slaughter by the Mandalorians had been faked. A pair of ignorant fools set it up, butchered all of those prisoners and their guards as a ploy to stiffen the public’s spine. Read this.”

 

I took it, and scanned the pages, listened to the report from the Mandalorian satellite, the reports Dodonna had added.

 

I set it down, and in my chest I felt a chill. Almost 1400 of my fellow Jedi. All dead for a lie.

 

The shuttle landed, and we debarked. As was military custom, I was first to disembark. Across a field of grass the Mandalorian shuttle had landed. The Mandalore in his ancient armor climbed down, followed by half a dozen. I recognized only one face, the Admiral who had left the message at Sooribor. Canderous Ordo, Clan Ordo.

 

In the sentences both before and after, third person is used. Just wanted to bring that to your attention.

 

At any rate, I enjoyed the chapter very much, including the duel with Mandalore and Revan. I wonder, however, why Mandalore would use pistols against Revan? Also, the 'restoration' of the Mandalorian honor that was 'stripped' with their defeat was an interesting twist, and one that fits the personality of Revan (in my view, at least).

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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A nice chapter, Mach, however, as I read, I discovered a discrepancy in the Point of View (moving from third person to first person): at first, when Revan's tale is being told, it is in third person, however, several sections (the following, specifically) are in first person:

 

 

 

In the sentences both before and after, third person is used. Just wanted to bring that to your attention.

 

At any rate, I enjoyed the chapter very much, including the duel with Mandalore and Revan. I wonder, however, why Mandalore would use pistols against Revan? Also, the 'restoration' of the Mandalorian honor that was 'stripped' with their defeat was an interesting twist, and one that fits the personality of Revan (in my view, at least).

 

Corrected and thanks

 

As for giving them back their honor, if you have read my KOTOR novel, you will know that is exactly what my Revan did on the Rakata homeworld during the awards ceremony.

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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Interesting turn of events. You really portrayed Revan's personality well in this chapter. You showed her as someone that is confident, knowledgable, and a great leader. Looking forward to the next installment!
I had actually thought of ending this here...

 

Am I going to get more threats if I stop?

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Litofsky Newbie

Litofsky

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No, that's not fair! [/fan]

 

Either choice is fine with me, Mach: it's your story, and, at any rate, I've loved it. If it were up to me, I'd attempt to pursue writing a history of the Mandalorians, or another people, it seems. If not the Mandalorians, the Galaxy is full billions of planets, a good portion of which sustain life. Take your pick, and make something new! ;)

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Darth_Yuthura Newbie

Darth_Yuthura

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This isn't a complaint; I think you've wrapped up this story pretty well as it is. If it were your intent to finish the story where it stands... then that is exactly what you should do. The more story you add, the more it detracts from the quality unless you want to continue writing.

 

For me, Shrouded in Darkness hasn't yet covered certain objectives I still want it to, which is why it goes on. It's at a point where I COULD bring it to a conclusion, but I always intended for more story to be told.

 

If this story has reached its intended end, then anything else would detract from the quality. If you want it to progress even further, then do so; otherwise this is a very decent conclusion as it stands.

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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This isn't a complaint; I think you've wrapped up this story pretty well as it is. If it were your intent to finish the story where it stands... then that is exactly what you should do. The more story you add, the more it detracts from the quality unless you want to continue writing.

 

For me, Shrouded in Darkness hasn't yet covered certain objectives I still want it to, which is why it goes on. It's at a point where I COULD bring it to a conclusion, but I always intended for more story to be told.

 

If this story has reached its intended end, then anything else would detract from the quality. If you want it to progress even further, then do so; otherwise this is a very decent conclusion as it stands.

I don't know... I haven't had people demanding more of my work like this in years. So I'll leave it as I said. If we get five people who did not comment earlier asking for more I will continue. Part of what was happening during the interim before the return of the Exile is trying to write itself.

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JAvatar80 Newbie

JAvatar80

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*Ahem*

 

<fan!>

LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT!!!!!!!!

 

I want MOAR! Rawr! ;)

</fan!>

 

EXCELLENT set of chapters, Mach. The battles were very vivid, the emotions and confusion of that kind of a skirmish well protrayed, even the characters we hated we could connect with....excellent story. :) If you have thoughts on were to go to finish wrapping this up, I say put it out. :D I'd love to read more.

 

If not....it was a great sub-story in the Knights timeline. :D

 

<threat(for posterity)>

And if you do decide not to write more....I'll cry. *nods sagely*

</threat>

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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*Ahem*

 

<fan!>

LOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT!!!!!!!!

 

I want MOAR! Rawr! ;)

</fan!>

 

EXCELLENT set of chapters, Mach. The battles were very vivid, the emotions and confusion of that kind of a skirmish well protrayed, even the characters we hated we could connect with....excellent story. :) If you have thoughts on were to go to finish wrapping this up, I say put it out. :D I'd love to read more.

 

If not....it was a great sub-story in the Knights timeline. :D

 

<threat(for posterity)>

And if you do decide not to write more....I'll cry. *nods sagely*

</threat>

 

All right, that's one, and you only count because you only made one previous comment.

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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Interesting turn of events. You really portrayed Revan's personality well in this chapter. You showed her as someone that is confident, knowledgable, and a great leader. Looking forward to the next installment!
The Senatorial comment hearkened back to a comment made by Willam 'Bull' Halsey who is it is said commented 'When this war is over Japanese will only be spoken by the dead'.
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CommanderQ Newbie

CommanderQ

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Excellent next chapter, Mach!! You have shaped the characters and plot so much so that I can draw similarities to other historical events and how they repeat in Human nature. Excellent work, Mach! I look forward to more!

 

Now, for my fanlike threats.....

 

 

{fan}POST SOON! OR WE WILL SHOWER YOU WITH BAD REVIEWS, RAAHH!! {fan}

 

Excellent work!

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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Excellent next chapter, Mach!! You have shaped the characters and plot so much so that I can draw similarities to other historical events and how they repeat in Human nature. Excellent work, Mach! I look forward to more!

 

Now, for my fanlike threats.....

 

 

{fan}POST SOON! OR WE WILL SHOWER YOU WITH BAD REVIEWS, RAAHH!! {fan}

 

Excellent work!

 

 

Sorry Commander, I said 5 new, and unfortunately you don't count.

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Tysyacha Newbie

Tysyacha

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*Breaks into wild applause* mach, if this doesn't get picked for the 2008 Readers' Choice Awards, I'll eat my hat. I think that final chapter was the best one yet, the most intense in terms of psychological impact. My jaw hit the floor when I realized the rationale behind Sooribor, and it just goes to show you what some people will do in order to achieve their own ends and purposes. As for whether you continue this, I will leave that up to you to decide, but I think this serves as either a great ending or great transition...

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machievelli Newbie

machievelli

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*Breaks into wild applause* mach, if this doesn't get picked for the 2008 Readers' Choice Awards, I'll eat my hat. I think that final chapter was the best one yet, the most intense in terms of psychological impact. My jaw hit the floor when I realized the rationale behind Sooribor, and it just goes to show you what some people will do in order to achieve their own ends and purposes. As for whether you continue this, I will leave that up to you to decide, but I think this serves as either a great ending or great transition...

 

 

Thanks Tys. The only thing that bothered me was I couldn't think of a way to save Zakal. :(

 

I hadn't considered getting an award. I only got one for my pre-Republic work a couple of years ago.

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