Admiral_Thrawn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 The only issue I can see is the fact that they have name's during the battle of Geonosis. Clone's were only given number's up until Delta Squadron's comission. After that, name's started to attatch. Other than that, a solid read. Great job CQ ((But mine is better <<Not>>)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks Thrawn:D I was under the impression that clones had found their names through their training. Remember, they were trained by Mandalorians and multiple types of mercenaries, through the exposure to this form of the outside world, the clones came up with names for themselves, of course it wasn't officially acknowledged until much later... Thanks though:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Thrawn Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Oh put a sock in it CQ! You just can't accept, just this once, that I'm right! On a more serious note-- *Ahem* --I think it is a beatiful tale that bring's together an enchanting world in which all th character's are distinctly seperated by a weave of tale's and memories in which is fabricated a tale for the ages . . . err . . . thumb's up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverNight Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 Everything was immediatley quiet after the explosion, or perhaps that was everyone's ear drums recovering from the loud noise of it.[/Quote] You don't need the "of it" at the end of that sentence. Vey climbed his way out of the deep foxhole and propped himself up on a rock nearby. He looked at the explosion sight, and to his dismay, discovered that the grenade had been so absolute, that none of Keph's remains were there, everything had been incinerated. None for the burial. "explosion sight" should be "explosion site" and "None for the burial" would probably read better with nothing left substituted for None... Valez gestured to his blaster, it's barrel had smoke rising from it.[/Quote] "It's" should be its, and "It's" could also be swapped with the. "Well," Vey coughed,"I think they may be counter-attacking whether or not they have enough troops. We know and they know that this causeway controls nearly all of the enarby canyons. Get some ammunition distributed amongst the men, also, tell them up it's time to eat some rations, it isn't good to fight on an empty stomach."[/Quote] "enarby" I'm guessing meant nearby. .....*static* This Alpha-Charlie-3100, we are trying to reach airbourne troops supposed to be established at Vector 2-0...come in airbourne? *static* Commander Sel is in route." Vey activated his comm,"Alpha-Charlie-3100, this is Airbourne leader. Vector 2-0 is secure. You are good to go."[/Quote] Now, I don't know much about the phonetic alphabet outside the US, but, at least in the US military, A is Alfa, not Alpha... but in Europe or elsewhere it might be Alpha, so this could also be a non-error. Well, that's it... Not a bad chapter. I just re-discovered this fic and thought it deserved a posting... as well as some error-correction. Good job! Note: No, I am not a raving fan and any and all attempts to make me such will be met with extreme prejudice... or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted March 14, 2009 Author Share Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks Forever!! I appreciate the observations and corrections and will edit:D However, concerning the 'Alpha' 'Alfa' thing, this is Star Wars, it is neither European or American, however in the SW universe, it is already established as 'Alpha.' Also, don't worry, you can be a critic, they're like lesser fans... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverNight Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 When was Alpha established? I honestly can't remember... Well, I'm glad I have your permission to be a critic... I guess that means I'm going to have to go through your past few chapters -which just happen to be unedited- and figure out what you did wrong there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Nice chapter, CQ, nice chapter indeed. I saw nothing that needed attention. Good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Everything went out at once, the lights, engine power, everything. Red emergency lights began to flash across the troop cabin in the gunship as the reserve power generator came online. The pilot was shouting into his comm. "This is Alpha-Charlie 3100! We've been hit by flak! Engine power is minimal. Weapon power is minimal.....sir, everything is minimal! Request assistance at crash coordinates at...." The gunship rocked quickly to the right, throwing numerous clones across the cabin. Vey managed to grab a handhold, and a few of his fellow soldiers as everyone struggled for balance. The sound of flak thumping around the ship grew louder, and everyone knew that the gunship was crash-landing. Luckily, no one had begun to panic. That was the advantage to being a clone, they didn't panic easily. Vey growled and looked to the pilot,"GET THIS SHIP DOWN! WE'RE MORE LIKELY TO DIE IN THE AIR THEN WE ARE CRASHING!" The Pilot looked back,"But sir...." "I DON'T CARE! THIS SHIP IS BUILT TO WITHSTAND THOSE IMPACTS! GET HER DOWN! BE CAREFUL IF YOU LIKE, BUT WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS FLAK!" The Pilot nodded, and was immediatley very calm as he understood what had to be done. "Yes sir. Right away." Vey let out a breath and looked to the other troops. "Brace yourselves, watch the doors. I won't lie to you, this will either work, and we'll live. If not, it will be quick." He hated being this frank with the troops, but he didn't know what would happen, he hoped that they could maintain their disciplined behaviour before they hit the surface. The Pilot began to talk to himself, stress and worry obvious in his voice. "600 meters....500 meters....400 meters....tower!! 250 meters...." Suddenly, the ship banked hard right and slowed down, hitting the ground hard. Everything that wasn't secured flew around the cabin, bouncing about, becoming projectiles. Vey was lifted off his feet but kept a hard hand on the hold, preventing himself from becoming one of the debris. Then the ship rolled over to a stop, and everyone lost their hold and hit the far wall. Vey had hit the side hard, but not before being nearly crushed by two other troops who had been thrown against him. Luckily, he had cushioned their impact, and they made it. And just like that, everything was quiet as everyone began to realize what had just happened. Then the noise returned, and the distant sound of battle could be heard, and rays of sunlight and dust began to show inside of the gunship. Vey struggled to stand, but Valez helped him up. The platoon began to grunt and groan as everyone tried to get back into the flow of things. Something came to Vey's mind. The Pilot. He stumbled over to the cockpit ladder and looked up. Only to see the pilot dangling from his seat. A metal rations kit had become a projectile, and had impaled him to the seat, his blood staining the cockpit controls. Vey felt a weight fall on his shoulders mentally, and he let out a sigh of sadness. But he shook it off, knowing that the other troopers still needed to get out of the ship. The doors outside were still sealed shut, and the controls were currently covered in the pilot's blood. Vey knew what he had to do, but he didn't feel right desecrating the pilot's place of death. He climbed up the ladder carefully, and looked at the controls, searching for the right lever or button. He then found one marked: Outer Doors. The pilot's hand was still grasping it, in a failed attempt to finish the mission. Vey held his breath and began to pry the man's fingers from the controls. More blood began to come, and Vey felt as if his stomach was coming up his throat. After a few minutes, he managed to pry the pilot's strong grip off of the controls. He punched the button, and one side door opened, the other one was stuck in the Geonosion dirt. The dead pilot's comm chimed. Vey activated it, "Airbourne Leader here, Alpha-Charlie 3100 is down. We have crash-landed due to heavy flak, over." "Awfully sorry to hear that, Airbourne Leader. This is Air Command speaking. Are you able to give us your coordinates? If you can, we'll send a detachment to pick you up, over." Vey checked the reading on the virtual map on the cockpit controls. "Air Command, I am able to give you the coordinates. We are approximately at.....Delta 4-5, somewhere north of the 8th Core Ship." The comm was silent for a moment. "We copy, Airbourne Leader. It may take a bit, but we'll get that detachment to you. Air Command, over and out." Vey deactived the comm and hopped down the ladder. Corporal Valez had escorted many of the men out of the wrecked ship, a few bodies remained, but the majority of the platoon had survived. Vey had no time to be joyful though. They had one last task to attend to. The wounded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Hmm? Read? Oh, well, look at the title today....Revan vs The Company, I kinda' like that name... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Yeah, I'm now mimicking machievelli. Revan vs. Machievelli! Really liked the dialog. Do you take actual audio recordings from real combat and revise it for Star Wars? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted April 2, 2009 Author Share Posted April 2, 2009 Well, I didn't exactly record, but yes, I did use dialogue and information records from military situations like this, that and watched a couple of movies, that was fun:D But I've been trying to work on the accuracy by sticking close to at least semi-military protocol, so I hope it works:D Anyway, for a minute there I though you and Mach were the same....good impersonation there:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.