jediduo Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 This may not be a conversation starter, but hopefully it will provide some amusement.A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" ------------------------------------------------ CHECKING TICKETS A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub." ----------------------------------------------- PERSISTENT CALLER A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,"I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says "Because I just love hearing it." ---------------------------------------------- PHILOSOPHY If a man talks in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong? ------------------------------------- TWO BY FOURS Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos. "The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." --------------------------------------------------- INTERVIEW An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone-living or dead-who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." ------------------------------------------------------ DEEP SOUTH A tourist traveling down a country road in the deep south passes a young boy walking down the road with only one shoe on. The tourist stops the car and asks the boy, "You lose a shoe?" "Nope," the boy replies, "just found one." --------------------------------------------- RESEARCH STUDY A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile? "She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" ---------------------------------------- BROWN PAPER PETE A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, " They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," answered the bartender. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. Thank you. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 good one rhett. *applaudes rhett* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMadDoofer Posted October 21, 2002 Share Posted October 21, 2002 What does it mean when you come home and your dog has a stupid smile on his face? It means your dog has found out how to open the liquor cabinet. Can't think of any more right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ckcsaber Posted October 22, 2002 Share Posted October 22, 2002 Q: Where do one-legged people eat? A: IHOP (no offense intended) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jatt13 Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 Pun attack! i might have already posted some of these on another topic, but oh well, they are making a reaperance. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the boat it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!" A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw." This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...the one flies over and the other one swims through. Which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim." When she told me I was average she was just being mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender... "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately... no pun in ten did. I'm so punny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 Why did the blonde girl get into a car accident? she had a blonde spot thankyouthankyousenddonationstomypm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 while I was at work one day I found a penny in the refridgerator...I wondered aloud why t was there, a co-worker immediately statde, "Because we like to keep cold, hard cash around here!" (this is a true story, it really happened and I promptly beat the $#@% out of him for such a bad joke) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 and now for the best joke evr!!! How do yo find out if yor file sharing program is working? DO A SEARCH FOR NSYNC!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silenthunter Posted October 24, 2002 Share Posted October 24, 2002 This is supposed to be the world's funniest joke: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two hunters are hunting...somewhere(sorry I forget where it was) and suddenly one collapses. So the other hunter calls 911, and tell them that his friend collapsed. He says "What should I do?" so the lady he's talking to says "First make sure your friend is dead" Over the the phone the lady hears a loud "Bang!" and then the hunter says "Ok, now what?". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eheheh. But I've heard funnier ones. Here's another one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~How to catch a polar bear: First, you need to make hole in the ice. Then, put a line of peas all around the hole. Now, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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