NiKo Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RicardoLuigi... Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natty Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 NiKo? You spend more time at the movies than me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al-back from the BigWhoop Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 old, but still funny best ones: Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. i guess we all know where this one comes from An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. AND THE BEST ONE: It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. ROFLOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deadmeat_X Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Already knew em, but still funny as hell :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshi Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Originally posted by NiKo It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Does no one notice my sig, even thoguh it's been there for monthst now. Other good ones are and type of vehicle, ancient, medieval, ppresent day or future hover cars, involved in an explosion, will always produce a burning wheel rolling or bouncing away. all evil henchmen will wear the exact same outfit and helmets able to cover the entire head just in case the hero decides to dress up in them. all evil henchmen are downed by a single punch. sleeping henchmen will never wake up, not matter how much noise you make. every enemy stronghold has an entrance to the side as apose to the big heavily guarded one at the front. ever enemy stronghold as an escape route at the back for special use of the enemy after they have pushed the big red button causing the entire castle/stronghold/building/hideout to blow up. if any vehicle of gadgetry nature has a big red button, it must never, under any circumstances be pushed. At least until all logic goes out of the window. every single chinese man in the world knows martial arts and can defy gravity to the highest degree. martial arts is just pure luck. no matter what rope you cut, the chandeleir will always come down no the large group of armed guards. there are always two swords above the mantle piece. in any climactic scence, even rooms made of metal will something catch fire. The term 'saved by the bell' will never grow old, no matter how much you use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benihana14 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 hahaha, that's great and so true! I must say I love how many movies I've seen single punches to the head knock a person out....it's insane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshi Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 That's actually the last one I thought of and threw in at the last minute . I love these. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yufster Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Not to mention the brilliantly predictable endings on Girly Movies... they fall in love, deny their love, go off in seperate directions crying, and then get together crying, in front of lots of people. Which reminds me, your final proclamation of love must be in front of at LEAST one stadiums worth of people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guybrush122 Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Originally posted by Yufster Not to mention the brilliantly predictable endings on Girly Movies... they fall in love, deny their love, go off in seperate directions crying, and then get together crying, in front of lots of people. Which reminds me, your final proclamation of love must be in front of at LEAST one stadiums worth of people. Everyone claps, too. They always clap and cheer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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