Homoludens Posted July 23, 2003 Author Share Posted July 23, 2003 Originally posted by Curt @Intrepid (or Homogenous as he now likes to be known): somebody has to keep an eye on you. And the other eye on the Moos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Originally posted by Homoludens And the other eye on the Moos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 30, 2003 Author Share Posted July 30, 2003 The Spoils Of Mortality On the outskirts of a small rural town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two old bums filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one bum. Several nuts fell out of the bucket and rolled down toward the fence, but the bums decided to get them afterwards. Meanwhile a little boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. Slowing down to investigate, he pricked his ears. Sure enough, he heard: "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew exactly what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He jumped back on his bike and peddled furiously. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick!" the boy shouted. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." The boy insisted, though, so the old man hobbled along with him to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard the task at hand: "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefoot Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 Originally posted by Homoludens Um, could you tell I'm hungry? You're hungry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 31, 2003 Author Share Posted July 31, 2003 Charades I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. Too lazy to go inside, I yelled up to my wife: "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me with the water running, and stood naked in front of the full length window, and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife still couldn't comprehend, shrugging her bare shoulders. I repeated the gestures, mouthing the words: "EYE. KNEE. THE RAKE." She finally understood with a smile and nod and signalled back. First she pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to getting that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" "EYE. LEFT TIT. BEHIND. THE BUSH." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Why would you have a full length window in a bathroom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 31, 2003 Author Share Posted July 31, 2003 In case your husband asks you about the rake as you're about to use the shower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Originally posted by Homoludens In case your husband asks you about the rake as you're about to use the shower. I don't plan on having a husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 31, 2003 Author Share Posted July 31, 2003 In case you want to show your 'wares' to the supermodel living next door. In which case your wife will have you castrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twifkak Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Originally posted by Moosferatu I don't plan on having a husband. Also, "I left it behind the penis" doesn't make as much sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 31, 2003 Author Share Posted July 31, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twifkak Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 Originally posted by Homoludens Um, could you tell I'm hungry? Whatever you do, don't make the mistake of watching this at 11 at night. That is, unless you don't mind driving out to Mr. Beef at midnight. Me, it's a few 750 miles away.. *insert punchline here* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlius Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 What do get if you break a golfpeg? A jpeg..... Everyone that found that one funny plz give me money... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curacao Posted August 18, 2003 Share Posted August 18, 2003 On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? A guy is sitting in a bar in Wyoming and a woman walks in and sits down next to him and orders a drink. She says "you a cowboy?". He says "well, I get up in the morning and saddle up my horse, then I ride around all day chasing cattle and mending fences and I come back in and feed the animals. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a cowboy." she says "I'm a lesbian. I get up in the morning and I'm thinking about having sex with women. I go to work and all day I'm thinking about having sex with women. I come home at night and I'm thinking about having sex with women. I'm a lesbian." She finishes her drink and leaves. A few minutes later another guy comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. He says "you a cowboy?" The cowboy looks at him and says "Well, I used to think I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curacao Posted August 18, 2003 Share Posted August 18, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curacao Posted August 18, 2003 Share Posted August 18, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted August 19, 2003 Author Share Posted August 19, 2003 Physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1) "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2) "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3) "Can you hear me NOW?" 4) "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5) "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6) "You know, in West Virginia, we're now legally married." 7) "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8) "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..." 9) "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10) "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11) "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12) "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" And my personal favorite: 13) "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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