Sam Fisher Posted November 5, 2003 Author Share Posted November 5, 2003 Ehehe... ************** Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green. Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in. Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 ha..ha...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfnshannon Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters,and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me." The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's @ss-hole!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 7, 2003 Author Share Posted November 7, 2003 Eheh, good one STTCT. ******************A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 8, 2003 Author Share Posted November 8, 2003 Ehehe... *********** Who's the Most Fun to Operate On? Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki GM Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 I like the surgen one A man walks into a bar and notices a large bowl of money on the counter and asks the bartender what it is and the bartender explains "well my horse in the back has been kind of sad latly so I want to cheer him up I put fifty dollars in the bowl and and everyone that wants to try to make my horse laugh puts in 5 and if you make the horse laugh then you get all of the money" so the guy puts 5 dollars in the bowl and goes to the back and when he comes back out the bartender looks out and the horse is just laughing his ass off and so the bartender gives him the bowl of maoney and the man leaves A week later the same man walks into the bar and sees another large bowl of maoney one the counter and so he asks the bartender what it for this time and the barteneder explains " well the horse is still laughing so hard that I cant even ride him so whoever can calm my horse down gets the bowl of money" so he puts his 5 in and walks to the back then when he comes back through the bartender looks back and the horse is just balling his eyes out so the bartender says "you get the money but before you leave could you tell me how you got my horse to laugh" and the man said I just told him I had a bigger D!@|< then he did" "then how did you get him to cry" "I proved it to him" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 I put that stupid joke because I wanted to save this thread before it went to the second page **************************** Picking Your Nose -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery. Depression Pick When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression. Pick A Lot What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame. Kiddie Pick When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! Camouflaged Kiddie Pick When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. Fake Nose Scratch When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. Making A Meal Out Of It You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. Surprise Pickings When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt. Autopick The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting.... Pick Your Brains Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum. Pick And Save When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did. Pick And Flick Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you. Pick And Stick You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip. Pipe Cleaner Pick The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 Really Bored -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things you can do with absolutely nothing... Push your eyes for interesting light show: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this? See how long you can hold your breath: (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible. Try to not think about polar bears: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway. Scratch yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good? Hurt yourself: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain. Try to swallow your tongue: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible. Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes. Get yourself as nauseated as possible: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself"). Things you can do with very little: See what's in your neighbor's trash: (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR. Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way. Call up people who write editorials you disagree with: (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too. Make prank phone calls: (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations. Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you: (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know. Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!! Burn things with a magnifying glass: (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining. Things you can do with another person: Have a water drinking contest: (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them. Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around: (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work? Have a "Who is less competitive" competition: (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose. Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view: (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too. Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear: (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on. Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck: (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 8, 2003 Author Share Posted November 8, 2003 George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'." Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!" The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 Originally posted by SamFisher George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'." Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!" The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking. Umm, haha? Not that funny.. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Dravis Posted November 8, 2003 Share Posted November 8, 2003 The businessman pretends that he is so important he can just brush off the President. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 8, 2003 Author Share Posted November 8, 2003 Its like, 'woosh' over Tie's head:p No offence man:) ************************* 24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!" 11. Meow occasionally. 12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 17. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 lol...good stuff...^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. HAHA! I have to try that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 9, 2003 Author Share Posted November 9, 2003 Ehehe... ******************** A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts". Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts". Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about. The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you". The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night". The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts".. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 9, 2003 Author Share Posted November 9, 2003 *Bump* *************** Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland: Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 Thats hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 10, 2003 Author Share Posted November 10, 2003 There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes." The man said, "No ****!" Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by Sam Fisher There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes." The man said, "No ****!" Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass. thats wierd because I just got on to this forum with an idea for a similar, yet less vulgar joke, the concept is old though: A man is trying to find his way out of the desert, when he comes across a genie that grants him 3 wishes (big suprise) so for his first wish he asks to get home, so the genie grants his wish and he is put in his house. For his next wish, he wishes that every time he reached in his pocket a thousand dollar bill would be there, so the genie granted his wish, and when he reached in his pocket he pulled out a thousand dollars. He looked at it with awe and said "well i'll be damned". The End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 I don't get it... I know I'm dumb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swat Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 The genie will think that 'well i'll be damned' is a wish and actually fufill the man's wish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 I got this one off the internet: Learn to speak Chinese! Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka Man, does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Originally posted by joetheeskimo5 I got this one off the internet: Learn to speak Chinese! Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka Man, does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung? lol LOL Some has gotta revive this thread TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewbacco Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 There are reasons when threads drop to the next page in the swamp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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