Jason Skywalker Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks for the comments. Also, remember, rate, hate, advice! Connor: try to post more than cool, it's kinda spammy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 Good chapter. I had to refresh on what happened earlier, lol. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have to too for mine by the time I get the next chapter out. Good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 Thanks for the comment Niner. Also, Chapter V's coming soon. I plan on doing 20 chapters. Also, remember to rate, hate and leave advices! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation. Peace out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation. Peace out. I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc. i hopefully agree just because sadley kotor i think(no ofence to anyone i hope) has WAY to many fics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Connor, with JA you can't do many things so that's why there are so many KOTORs. Well, i've decided to take Pottsie's advice and do only 6 more chapters instead of 16. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 good point, and also yeh i like this fic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Do whatever you feel like, Jason. It's hard to write if you're not really "feeling" the story, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Chapter V on it's way! Chapter V Getting Comfortable As the Raven’s Claw landed on Dantooine, the students found themselves on the receiving end of familiar faces: their Master Kyle Katarn and his life-companion Jan Ors. “ Master Kyle, you’re alright!” shouted Kyra in happiness. Kyle smiled and said: “Thanks Kyra. Also, just call me Kyle, titles make my…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by Jan. “Titles make your skin crawl, everybody knows about that Kyle.” Joked Jan. “But this is no time for jokes.” Said a voice. Everybody looked behind to see the most powerful Jedi there ever was, Master Luke Skywalker. “ There is something serious happening.” “Well, what is it Master?” asked Rosh. “There seems to be a war that involves the rebuilt planet of Taris. Unfortunately I don’t know much so you’ll just have to go there and discover. But I do know something: the New Trade Federation is involved.” Said Luke to everyone’s shock. “Kyle, you and Jan take Rosh to Taris and find out more.” “Alright Luke.” Said Kyle. “Jaden, you accompany Kyra to the Space Colony and do the same.” Said Luke as Jaden nodded. “Also, there is a New Republic Cruiser waiting to pick you up and drop you on Taris. They walked to the Hangar and all got inside the New Republic Cruiser and took off as Luke looked at them with a worried look. *** Meanwhile on a place unknown, Uriel Tim'Sep, leader of the Trade Federation discussed something with his partners. “You are crazy Uriel. Do you know what this will cause!?” shouted a Neimoidian. Uriel, a Neimodian himself answered. “Do not worry, I have thought of the repercussions. I just hope it goes all smoothly. In the meanwhile, let’s just focus on the building of “The Silencer” ”said Uriel as he pressed a button and the screen behind showed a incomplete, planet-size like spaceship. *** As the New Republic Cruiser approached the Taris Spaceport, Kyra’s preoccupation started to become bigger and bigger. Jaden noticed it and started a little talk. “What’s the matter Kyra?” asked Jaden. “Ah, it’s nothing.” Lied Kyra. “Come on, you can tell me.” Said Jaden with a smile on his face. “Well…it’s just that I only became a Jedi now and I’m already in a battle against a Great Sith Lord.” She said. “Well, it gets off. When you notice you’re important, it will come off. I also had that feeling when I first joined the Jedi Academy. In the end, I killed a Sith Lord.” He said. “Thanks for the relief Jaden.” Said Kyra. She got up from her chair and so did Jaden. Their faces got close as their lips locked in a passionate kiss until Kyle came in and broke it up. “Uh, did I interrupt something?” he asked. “No, nothing.” Said Kyra as she cleaned her lips with her finger. “Well, I just wanted to say that we arrived. Luke instructed me to say to you to grab a fighter from the Cruiser and fly to the Space Colony.” Said Kyle Jaden and Kyra nodded and got out of the Cruiser with Kyle, Jan and Rosh. As they went to grab the fighter, Rosh noticed they were too friendly. Jaden and Kyra got inside a two-pilot X-Wing and and flew off. As they were almost getting there, they had another little conversation. “Jaden?” she asked. “What is it?” he said “I’m sorry for kissing you.” she said with an embarrassed look on her face. “I’m not.” He said without looking at her. She got a little confused but then she just co-piloted. They could see the Space Colony, it was truly big, and they hoped to find out why. As they landed, some of the habitants surrounded the ship. Looks like we’ve got trouble, thought Kyra. Some of the habitants that looked like guards took out blaster rifles and the captain shouted: “Come on out with your hands up!” Jaden got out first while Kyra hid and got out by behind, where no one could see her. He put his hands up and a guard spoke to him. “What are you doing here, low-life scum? You don’t belong here!!” he said. Jaden simply smiled and immediately kicked the guard’s gun, making him shoot himself on the chin, laying dead. He then ignited his lightsaber and so did Kyra that just appeared but then someone hit from behind with a stungun. They then blacked out. Kyra was the first to wake up. She looked around but what got her the most was a Neiomoidian. Jaden then woke up. “Who are you?!” she shouted. The Neimoidian smiled. “I am Uriel Tim’Sep, but you can call me either Milord or Emperor.” He said with a big grin in his face.” I am the leader of the New Trade Federation, and I have a partnership with the Sith…but not for long.” He then laughed. “But why did you call yourselve Emperor?” Jaden asked. “ I mean, if you actually win this war, he would be the Emperor.” “That’s where your mistaken young lad. You will see soon. Throw them into the dungeons!” he then shouted as the Super Battle Droids roughly threw Jaden and Kyra into the dungeons. “Well, might as well get comfortable.” *** Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. Damn right it does! I didn't steal of anyone (not that I know of) and the Chapter was a good one. Liked the romance too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 21, 2006 Author Share Posted July 21, 2006 Thanks. I'll work on the next chapter either now or tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 Good chapter, I'm glad that you've decided to continue this. Maybe a little time off was a good thing, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing. I know I do. It sounds stupid and every time I saw it, I hated it. It's your choice though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 okay, i just read the first chapter and not the rest, so i don't know if these thing have been brought up, but i'll just give you my views on that. please dont think i'm being too harsh. your concept is very good and i'd like to see how the plot thinkens or thins, but several grammatical mistakes takes the fun out of reading. i'll deal with a few things according to the order they are apprearing in the chapter. “I have sensed that energy on Geonosis, and that’s why I’m sending you, Kyle, Jan and Rosh there. You shall go in the Raven’s Claw. And Jaden, be careful with the darkside.” said Luke. Jaden nodded, and got out. He went back the garage, and the Falcon was ready. Han told him to get in.C-3PO and R2 were also there.When they were all inside, Han fired up the engines, and they left Yavin. He set a course for Geonosis, and they jumped into Hyperspace. i distinctly see luke saying "go in the raven's claw", but it says that they were travelling in the Falcon right after that. is Jaden one of the disobedient types? and Luke's advice is kinda wrongly worded. it should be "Be wary of the darkside" IMO His face was covered by a hood, and he had a cape. It was Kayn. Suddenly, a Kel Dor with a lightsaber appears. i'm not sure if you wrote this intentionally or not, but the tense changes totally when you write "appears". i am sure it should be "appeared" they had arrived in Geonosis grammar lesson: it is on Geonosis, not "in". In would imply that they went underground directly from orbit other than these in the first chapter, it was pretty good, just watch out for the occasional full stop and comma, they can help a lot. as a final note, id like to ask you to add a little more description to battle sequences. they make the fic more enjoyable. and the Empires troops are spelt "Stormtroopers", not "Storm Troopers" other than this, i'll keep reading and posting feedback. please dont think i'm a partypooper or something (like ChAiNz and Jae are ) i hope this helps when youre writing future chapters. good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 23, 2006 Author Share Posted July 23, 2006 1. That was when i decided for Han and Chewie to have some brief appearances on the fic, and i forgot about that. 2. I always get that wrong, lol. Thanks for the advices, and no, i don't think you're a party pooper. I think you're more like a fic pooper! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 :ah, but i'm a civilised ficpooper . besides, i have HK at my side. would you care to repeat that statement, meatbag? j/k. i'll read more and post feedback as i progess through your fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yoba Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 It's great Jason! I like it.. lol although switching in bitween fanfics (reading wise...) gets confusing! out of the fanfics ive read so far, this is one of the better, i started to read one without grammer or punctuation or anything, couldnt read it and didn't know what was happening. But yours is good, not Perfect, but it's good if there is room to improve! Advice leads to hatred which leads people to rate!! lol Rating: 8/10, could use improvement but still great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 25, 2006 Author Share Posted July 25, 2006 Thanks. Why are you writing in red though? I already thought RH edited something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 27, 2006 Author Share Posted July 27, 2006 Expect Chapter 6 tomorrow, i'll be checking it for typos and such, and then "Make it Pretty". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 28, 2006 Author Share Posted July 28, 2006 Chapter VI The Decaying Taris Rosh, Kyle and Jan got out of the Cruiser. The looked at the once glorious Taris. Luke said it was being rebuilt but to them it looked like there was a disease spreading and people where evacuating. They walked a little until they saw three drunken beggars with guns. “Your money or your life!” shouted the one standing in the center. Rosh, looking relaxed, walked up to them. “Hey friends, no need to point those guns. How about we don’t give us our money, but instead use it for a few drinks?” he said relaxed, waving his hand. The beggars all looked to each other and nodded but then one of them said: “No, no more drinks, we’re full!” he said as they ran away. Kyle walked to Rosh and tapped his shoulder. “Well done Rosh. And you did it with your cybernetic arm, very good indeed.” “Ah, it was nothing.” He said. “Although, a compliment’s a compliment.” “Ya’know kid, you’re better when you’re modest.” Jan joked. They all laughed a little and walked off. Their destination was the Taris Army HQ. While on the road, they saw many once beggars living with always rich people, until someone with a cloak and a hood talked to them. “You’ve done wrong to come to Taris strangers. You should leave.” The mysterious person said. “And why should we do that?!” Jan asked. The mysterious person sighed and then told them a story. “My name is Rufio. I was once a beggar, like many people here were. Taris was rebuilt and had is beauty restored. Until someone came up with the idea of the poor people living with the rich. As expected, many didn’t like it.” “Wealthy, rich bastards.” Jan swore. “I agree young lady. But let me continue. Now as I was saying, most of the people agreed, but the most powerful and rich Tarisian families that practically sustended Taris, left and built the colony. Since then, Taris has been decaying.” “That’s really sad. That’s why we are here, to prevent Taris from decaying even more. I just have one question.” Kyle said. “What’s the way to the Tarisian Army Headquarters?” “Hmm, i don’t recall quite well, you should go to Javiar’s Cantina. There’s a blue Twi’lek girl that will surely get you there.” Rufio said. “Her name is Rose.” *** They then headed to the Lower City parts. When they finally found Javiar’s Cantina, they immediately saw Rose. Rosh talked to her. “Hello there.” He said. “Hello to you two. My name’s Rose. I’ve never seen you here, and I pretty much know everyone in Taris so you’re outsiders. So that makes me your welcoming committee.” She said. “Thanks Rose. We would like to know where is the Army Headquarters.” Rosh said. “Well, come with me.” She said, holding her blaster. Her shirt covered basically her waist. Rose was relieved they didn’t see it. *** “Well, this is it. The Taris Army HQ. I’ll go with you. I am in need of a journey.” Rose said. “Thanks but no thanks Aurora, you’ve done much already and we don’t want you to get hurt.” Said Kyle. “Although, I ain’t gonna stop you.” Rose smiled as they entered the HQ. *** Jaden sighed. They took their lightsabers and their hands and legs where tied. He then thought of something. Since the guard was sleeping, he tried to use The Force to get the keys but he had a hard time since his hands where tied. He then uses the key to open the gate. Kyra sneaked on the Tarisian guard and got their lightsabers. They ignited them and carefully cut the ropes that tied them. Time to get out of here and tell Kyle, Kyra thought. *** Fortunately, the HQ was in pretty shape. They wandered a bit until they found the Army Leader, General Ulgo. “Sir General, we want to…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by the alarm. The Colony Droids were invading Taris! They quickly ran outside to see atleast five droid ships. They looked at the sky and realized it was a full scale invasion! Kyle and Rosh ignited their lightsabers and Jan and Rose got their blasters up. “Okay Rosh, me and Jan take on the 200 hundred on the left, you and Rose take on the 100 on the right.” He said, running to the droids. *** Many blaster bolts flew to Jaden and Kyra but although it was very difficult, they deflected every single one of them. Kyra jumped, twisted her lightsaber and stabbed it on the ground, creating a shockwave of Force, sending away many blaster-wielders. Jaden took care of the guards with vidroblades. Unfortunately for him, vidroblades had cortosis weaves and so he couldn’t cut them. Three guards came running at him but he grabbed hold of one and Force pushed him into to the building. He jumped just in time to avoid their swings and threw his lightsaber to one, piercing his head. He flipped and grabbed his lightsaber with the force, and stabbed the last one right in the abdomen, leaving him to die. But then showed up the Guard Captain, surprisingly with a double-bladed red lightsaber. Kyra holstered one half of her double-bladed lightsaber and she and Jaden took on him. They all duelled for many minutes, purple, orange and red sparks flying around, practically illuminating the whole place. They were all very tired and fatigued but the Captain simply appeared to not get tired. Kyra then “fainted”, leaving Jaden to defeat him. They locked up their sabers in a saber duel, using a lot of strength not to lose for it would probably give an opening. The Captain used his raw strength to overpower Jaden, knocking him to the ground. Kyra then ignited the other half of her double-bladed saber and threw it, using the Force to spin it around, and it cut the Captain in half, leaving him dead. They got their strengths through the Force and quickly entered the X-Wing and flew to Taris. *** Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose quickly cut down through many droids possible, this was no easy task, even for Jedi’s and experienced shooters. Suddenly, about three droids knocked down Rosh and surrounded Rose. He screamed her name in fear of her getting killed, but she took of her shirt of the waist, revealing a blue lightsaber, and spun around, cutting down the droids as Rosh looked amazed. He got up and ran to her. “Rose, you’re a Jedi too! Well why didn’t you say so?” he asked. She blushed a little and told him why. “I didn’t want you to know, I only use this in times of peril, and this is one of them.” She said bolting two droids behind Rosh with Force Lightning. “Thanks!” he said looking back .”Watch out!” he shouted, rolling and stabbing a droid. Kyle and Jan reunited with them as they got surrounded by 10 droids. Suddenly, many blaster bolts flew down on the droids, and they looked behind and saw General Ulgo with some sort of heavy machinegun. “Now this is a gift to my unrested and old eyes.” Kyle said. “What, did you expect me to sit down and watch you have all the fun? Let’s kick some droid memory core!” shouted General Ulgo. Suddenly, Jaden and Kyra appeared in the X-Wing, shooting at the ground, destroying more of Taris but getting rid of the menacing Droids. They got out and all greeted themselves. “So, what did you found out?” Jan asked. Kyra and Jaden looked down. “They have the Droid Army to help them. And the creator plans to betray the Sith.” Said Kyra. They all heard a big noise. Everybody looked up and saw a giant ship. “I recognise this ship. It was in the Clone Wars. It’s…The Torturer .” Said General Ulgo as they all looked in awe. They all got onto the Republic Cruiser, flew to space and discussed the situation with Republic Admiral, Steve Onasi. “Ladies and gentleman, the final battle is at stage. We need to penetrate that ship, kill the Sith and destroy forever the Trade Federation. We got you three young Jedi this special ancient Jedi Starfighter manufacturing. They are very resourceful, and will no doubt help you get to the Hangar not being seen. The rest is up to you. For Kyle, Jan and Rose, they will go with you since they’re two person fighters. You’re dismissed.” Said the Admiral. They all went to the Hangar, and entered them. Jaden was accompanied by Kyle and they had R2 with them, Kyra by Jan with a R3 unit and Rosh by Rose with an R4 unit. They flew out as Admiral Onasi looked from the bridge. “May The Force Be With Us.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Good Chapter. Is Rose, Mission's descendant? Kyle's sarcastic humour is good once again, but Jan will never come to the standard of Kyle's humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jason Skywalker Posted July 28, 2006 Author Share Posted July 28, 2006 Hmm, pehraps. I find that idea shallow and pedante. Family Guy quote. Well, i've thought on that, but i haven't really decided it yet. Yes she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Good old Family Guy... I'm not talking about that now though, only in PMs. Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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