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Unsatisfied Hunger

Diego Varen

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igyman Newbie

igyman

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Yes, very nice Pottsie, the plot is developing nicely, but you could work on some parts of your style. For example, when you said in the narrative part that Carth called the Jedi to discuss the restoration of the Order on Coruscant, you could have made the dialogue part where this is also stated a little more subtle, maybe one of the Jedi finishing his sentence for him.

Don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean anything insulting by this, I'm just trying to help you improve as you and some other people helped me when I started writing fics. :)

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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Chapter IV - Leaving Telos

“He is a wound in the Force, more presence than flesh, and in his wake life dies… sacrificing itself to his hunger.”

- Visas Marr

 

The noise was getting louder. The man could hear it coming closer to him. The noise sounded more and more threatening as it got louder. The man kept his Lightsabers on as he waited for the thing to show itself. Soon, in front of the man, the thing appeared. The thing wore a long white mask and he was dressed in a long black robe. He spoke in a language the man didn’t understand.

 

“I’m no longer Revan, I keep telling you that!” The man shouted at the thing, “I’m Diego Varen, Darth Revan is dead.”

 

The thing became angry as he started shouting in his strange language. Diego, however, could understand it very easily.

 

“Why are you here?” Diego asked, his Lightsabers still on, “You continue to appear to me, every night, threatening me. Why do you do this, Darth Nihilus?”

 

Nihilus spoke again.

 

“I’ve heard about you,” Diego told Nihilus, “Even rumours are spread to the most hidden of places. Here. You’re not alive, Sith. You died.”

 

Nihilus started becoming angry, his sounds becoming louder and faster.

 

“Somehow, you’re hunger for power has kept you alive,” Diego told Nihilus, trying not to be intimidated by him, “You’re the Lord of Hunger and all you live for is for hunger. You killed many of my masters on Katarr. For that you’ll pay.”

 

Nihilus said nothing as he walked off, as if he wasn’t ready to battle. Diego turned his Lightsabers off and remained in the darkness.

 

*****

Another nightmare. Sera was getting sick of these reoccurring nightmares and wanted to end them. Perhaps finding Revan, or Diego Varen, whatever he called himself nowadays, would end these painful nightmares. This time, however, Sera didn’t feel afraid. It was a sign. A sign from the Force. As she got out of bed, Sera could hear Kavar crying, so she decided to tend to him first, before doing anything else.

 

*****

Inside the Senate Chambers, Carth and Bastila were inside Carth’s office, discussing about what would happen over the next few days. Bastila was worried for Revan, as she had not seen him for five years, since he left. She was also worried about Sera, since she had changed, since her meeting with Carth, before she had left for Malachor V.

 

“Sera,” Bastila told her, bowing towards her, “It is a pleasure to see you again.”

 

“Same here,” Sera told her, before turning her attention to Carth, “The Ebon Hawk is all ready to go. The Droids will also accompany us.”

 

“I suppose they could come,” Bastila told Sera, “We may need their help in this journey.”

 

“So when do we leave?” Sera asked.

 

“Right now,” Carth told Sera, “But it is your choice. You can say goodbye to your closest friends and family, but I fear for Revan’s life. He’s been in the Unknown Regions for too long.”

 

Sera and Bastila walked towards Carth, before leaving the Senate Chambers. As they left, Sera knew that she had to say goodbye to her family and friends. In particular, Atton.

 

*****

When Sera walked into the house, Atton was alone. Sera guessed that Roarboar was over at the hangar and Kavar was asleep in his bedroom. Atton immediately got up off his chair and hugged Sera.

 

“It’s good your home,” Atton told Sera as the two of them broke away from their hug, “You’re trembling. I can feel it, what’s wrong?”

 

Sera felt a tear pouring from her eye, as she looked up at Atton’s face, feeling embarrassed. She shouldn’t be embarrassed, but she wouldn’t see Atton for a while. Maybe, she wouldn’t see him for a long time. Sera knew she didn’t want to leave. The last time she had left Atton behind, she had missed him so much and she didn’t want to experience that again. Perhaps Atton would protest against her and beg her to let him come along with him.

 

“Revan,” Sera whispered, “Bastila and I are going to find him. It will be a long journey and I won’t see you for a while.”

 

“Hey, why can’t I, you’re loving husband join you in your new quest?” Atton asked, in a mocking tone.

 

Sera sighed. She knew Atton would behave like this.

 

“I’m sorry Atton,” She told him, “I’m afraid this quest can be taken by Bastila and myself only.”

 

“You need a decent pilot,” Atton told Sera, hoping he could change her mind.

 

“No, Atton,” Sera warned him, “Kavar needs someone to look after…”

 

“What about the furball?” Atton interrupted, “When you and him were reunited, he promised to look after our child when we needed him. And this is a time that we need him to look after Kavar. Don’t tell me you don’t trust him anymore.”

 

“I do, but…” Sera began, only to sigh, “You’re right Atton. Roarboar is capable of looking after Kavar. But Bastila may not wish you to come along.”

 

“Hey, don’t worry,” Atton assured Sera, “Any lady can’t resist me. Look at the manipulative witch.”

 

Sera coughed out a little laugh.

 

“Kreia only tolerated your presence, because she believed you had use as a pilot,” Sera told him.

 

“And I have use now,” Atton replied, “As a pilot. So when do we leave?”

 

Once again, Sera sighed out loud. Another adventure had begun.

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igyman Newbie

igyman

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Much, much better Pottsie. The dialogues and descriptions are much better here. There are only two small things I noticed, mistakes probably made because of rushed typing - it should be ''your hunger'', instead of ''you're'' and here:

Sera and Bastila towards Carth, before leaving the Senate Chambers.
seems to be a word missing.
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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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Oh, trust me, the Atton-Bastila relationship will be a love-hate relationship. Nihilus is back and he is the only villian in this Fic. Thanks for the comments igyman and I'll edit the mistakes. I do admit, I'm rushing this Fic, mainly because I want to write the third part, because I have a good storyline planned for it.

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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----------------------------------------

PART II

Rhen Var

----------------------------------------

Chapter V - Bad Start

“Despite my Jedi training, I still tend to act a little rashly sometimes.”

- Bastila Shan

 

Two hours later, the Ebon Hawk was ready to leave. Both HK and T3 were aboard and Atton was getting used to the Ebon Hawk’s controls once more. He hadn’t been pilot for it, since his last adventure with Sera, a year ago. Outside of the Ebon Hawk, both Sera and Bastila awaited Carth’s final words, before they began their adventure to find Revan.

 

“Today, you both go on to represent the new Jedi Order and the Republic it protects in finding Revan,” Carth told them both, “Good luck.”

 

Bastila shook Carth’s hand, before leaving to get on the Ebon Hawk. After she’d left, Carth walked up to Sera and shook her hand.

 

“Good luck Sera,” Carth told her, “If you find Revan, remember to tell him that Admiral Onasi is following his orders.”

 

“I will Admiral,” Sera told him, before turning to get aboard the Ebon Hawk.

 

*****

When Sera entered the Ebon Hawk, T3 was on his rounds of fixing the ship, HK was at the workbench, polishing his rifle and both Atton and Bastila sat in the cockpit. Once again, Bastila was the co-pilot, like her days during the Jedi Civil War, when she was co-pilot with Carth next to her. However, this time, Atton was the co-pilot and she didn’t like him. In fact, she didn’t like him at all. They had got off to a bad start. Sera could hear their argument, from the port dormitory.

 

“Listen sister, I don’t want to pilot the Ebon Hawk, with you by my side,” Atton began, “But I’m doing this for Sera’s sake, not yours.”

 

“And I’m here to find Revan,” Bastila countered, “I’m not here on some spice run.”

 

“Spice run?” Atton asked, feeling insulted at what Bastila had said, “Sister, this isn’t any spice run, it’s more serious than that. Obviously the Jedi Civil War was nothing for you.”

 

Sera ran into the cockpit, getting annoyed with their argument.

 

“Shut up!” She shouted, “We can’t afford an argument. Now where are we off to?”

 

“Well, I remember Diego said he was on his way to Rhen Var, before heading into the Unknown Regions,” Bastila told Sera, “Perhaps there might be some clues to his adventures, after the Jedi Civil War.”

 

“Rhen Var?” Atton asked, “Rhen Var. When I served under Revan, during the Mandalorian Wars, he was never the cold type.”

 

“People change through the years, Atton,” Bastila told him, “Like you have.”

 

“Let’s just get to Rhen Var,” Atton told her, sighing.

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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I sense a plot for Sera Tana (correct me if I spelled his name wrong...) turning to Dark side...She let emotion flow...

 

But however nicely done as always.

 

No, there is no plot for Sera to turn to the dark side (You spelt her name correct and she is not a male). In future parts, maybe. Well, I doubt I'll be able to release a Chapter now, since Christmas is close and I won't be online to see many things, until Boxing Day, but I might not even be online then either.

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CSI Newbie

CSI

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No, there is no plot for Sera to turn to the dark side (You spelt her name correct and she is not a male). In future parts, maybe. Well, I doubt I'll be able to release a Chapter now, since Christmas is close and I won't be online to see many things, until Boxing Day, but I might not even be online then either.

 

Off topic: I'll haunt you forever until you came online and post a new chapter.

 

On Topic: Always looking forward to more.

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