Diego Varen Posted April 19, 2007 Share Posted April 19, 2007 Star Wars - I Couldn’t Leave You Summary: When the Jedi Exile, Sera Tana reunites with her master, the former Jedi Master, Jorran Corral, will they trust each other again after everything that has happened? Disclaimer: I don’t own Star Wars or anything related to the franchise. I only claim Jorran Corral my own character and the planet, Maytarr my own planet. Author’s Note: This was going to be a scene I would write for my cancelled Fan Fic series, The Sera Tana Saga. This would be from the fourth Fan Fic, The Quest for Dominance, where Sera dies in this scene. The only problem I have with this Fic is that the whole theme of love might take over, but hopefully, the rescue theme is more obvious in this Fic, but I do drown on about love in this Fic, but I hope this won’t put you off. Please review, since my first Fan Fic was worse than this one and this took me an hour and a half to write. This is my second Fan Fic for the Tales from Javyar's Cantina competitions and was slightly inspired by JasraLantill’s Fan Fic, First Love, Last Embrace. Enjoy! ------------------------------------------ Jorran Corral ran forwards, into the sunlight, which shone through the opened tomb doors. Behind him the Jedi Exile, Sera Tana struggled to keep up, as the tomb began to collapse around her. The Twi’lek former Jedi Master turned to see Sera resisting to give up and die. Jorran realised now that he loved the first apprentice, he had ever had. Even though she left him to die, all those years ago in the same tomb, Jorran’s bitterness for her was his sign of love. Too bad, Jorran had never shown it for her and he wasn’t sure if she loved him. Sera continued to struggle, amongst the collapsing walls of the tomb. Jorran held out his hand and shouted only one word. “Sera!” It was that one word that made Jorran remember the day he begged his own apprentice for his life, sixteen years ago. ------------------------------------------ “What is in there?” Sera asked enthusiastically, as Jorran finished making a hole in the wall, so the two of them could enter. Jorran went in first, his lightsaber held high, so see in the darkness. This tomb was dark, desolate and quiet. There were no signs of life. Jorran held Sera’s hand and pulled her down into the tomb. She ignited her lightsaber, a yellow blade, accompanying her master’s orange blade. “In here my apprentice, is the remains of an old Sith Lord,” Jorran told her, walking forwards towards the locked door in front of them. ------------------------------------------ “Sera, I’m coming!” ------------------------------------------ “Who was this Sith Lord?” Sera asked, still excited at the prospect of one her first assignments, the Jedi Council had sent her with her master. Jorran began to pick on the heavy lock, which was situated on the handle of the door. “Nobody knows,” Jorran told her, “All the wise Jedi Masters know is that this Sith Lord died over thousands and thousands of years ago. Who knows who this Sith Lord could be.” ------------------------------------------ Who was that Sith Lord? Someone Jorran had been serving under for sixteen years after his assumed death. Why did Jorran fall to the dark side? ------------------------------------------ The lock opened and the door swung open, its hinges creaking. That door must have been over thousands and thousands of years old. In fact, it must be much older than the Sith Lord. Jorran assumed that this tomb was much older than the corpse that was rotting inside. Inside, Jorran could see several creatures living inside the tomb. Kath Hounds. How would they have managed to survive? “Sera!” Jorran called out, as the Kath Hounds starred at the two of them, “Defend yourself girl!” ------------------------------------------ The tomb kept collapsing in front of Jorran. He just stood there, watching his only apprentice, failing to exit the tomb. She wouldn’t be able to survive, unless Jorran tried to help. “Hold on Sera!” Jorran shouted, over the collapsing rocks, “I’m coming to get you!” ------------------------------------------ Finally, the last of the Kath Hounds that had attacked the two Jedi fell to the ground. Jorran turned to see his apprentice walk towards him and with him, they stared at the now deceased Kath Hounds. “How would they be able to survive in such a place?” Sera asked. Jorran shook his head. “I’m not sure,” Jorran told her, “Something might be keeping these innocent creatures alive. Something in the darkness.” “Yes,” A voice echoed, “You’re right old man. Your senses serve you well.” ------------------------------------------ “Fool!” The same voice from all those years ago echoed, “You don’t realise that your senses aren’t serving you well. You’ll die in this tomb old man!” Jorran ran, dodging every single rock that tried to stop him. “Oh keep quiet,” Jorran shouted, his voice becoming less heard, as more rocks collapsed, “I’ve become tired of serving you.” Sera lay on the floor, a large rock on her left leg, preventing her from moving. “Hold on,” Jorran told Sera, smiling at her, “This may take a while.” ------------------------------------------ “You are very capable of serving me old man,” The voice continued, “I, Lan Navh will make it happen.” Suddenly, a rock fell onto Jorran, immediately bringing him to floor. Jorran tried to use the Force to lift the rock off his right leg. More rocks began to fall inside the tomb. Sera immediately ran to her fallen master. She tried to use the Force to lift the rock off her master’s leg. Her Force powers hadn’t yet developed to the stage to lift up heavy objects. In the end, Sera took out her lightsaber. “Sera, I don’t think that is a good idea,” Jorran warned her. But it was too late. Sera ignited her lightsaber and it stuck into the rock and Jorran’s leg. Jorran shouted in pain, making hand gestures, telling Sera to stop. “Sorry master,” Sera told him. “No problem apprentice,” Jorran told her, “You tried your best. Now go!” “What?” Sera asked, “I can’t…” “Go!” Jorran interrupted, “Otherwise you’ll never live to become the Jedi Knight you are capable of becoming.” Sera nodded and left Jorran, despite the fact she didn’t want to. Jorran lay back and let the Force take him into his afterlife within the Force. His eyes closed and even over the collapsing rocks, he could hear his apprentice’s final words, the final words that Jorran would remember for a long time. “I wouldn’t leave you!” Sera shouted, before she left for good. ------------------------------------------ Jorran called upon the Force to lift up the rock. The Force was much stronger in him, than his apprentice. Lan’s voice continued to echo, mocking the old Jedi Master. Shouldn’t he have died by now? Jorran managed to finally lift the rock off Sera’s leg and threw it into a corner of the tomb. He bent down and picked up Sera, helping her to walk. “Let’s get out of this place,” Jorran told her, walking slowly, holding Sera up, so she could hop beside him. Rocks continued to fall, one sending both Jorran and Sera onto the floor. “Go!” Sera shouted. “But…” Jorran began. “No master!” Sera interrupted, “A wise master once told me that if I never left you, I would never become the person I was today. You must follow my path master, which I’ve now completed. The path that you forsaken sixteen years ago, which you need to complete.” Jorran nodded and ran to the exit of the tomb. He realised now that he wasn’t the Jedi Master now. It was his apprentice. He looked back at his apprentice for one last time. “I couldn’t leave you,” Jorran told her, before watching her death, for he knew now that he could do nothing to save her now. ------------------------------------------ The tomb collapsed onto Jorran. “No!” Sera shouted, before she wept. ------------------------------------------ The tomb collapsed onto Sera. “No!” Jorran shouted, trying to keep strong for Sera. ------------------------------------------ Sera turned to leave the tomb. What would she tell the Jedi Council? That a deceased Sith Lord was responsible for the death of her master? The one who had had faith in her for all of his life? The one who had taken her aboard for training? The one who had made a future successful Jedi Knight? ------------------------------------------ Jorran turned to leave the tomb. What would he tell her husband, Atton Rand? That a tomb had just collapsed on his wife? The one who had had faith in him all of her life? The one who had become his only successful apprentice? The one who had begged him to be trained? The one who had made an unsuccessful Jedi Master? Nearby, the ship, Sera had travelled on was right next to the now fallen tomb. Jorran leapt into the ship and took off, spending his time back to Alderaan, grieving for his apprentice. Jorran looked below at Maytarr. He swore that one-day, he would come back to his apprentice. He knew she had life in her yet. As Alderaan came into sight, Jorran thought of a poem that someone had once written. Love would never make us husband and wife, for you have another life. A life that needs to be spent as wisely as possible, for if not taken wisely, will surely be impossible. Someone else is out there, waiting for you now. Why should I care? Do I care how? That special person is waiting for you somewhere, and trust me that they’ll be there. For one day love will keep you both together. Forever. That was how Jorran felt about Sera. He docked inside the hangar on Alderaan and was greeted by Sera’s husband, Atton. Jorran knew that he would be excited to see his wife again, but how could Jorran put it in a way that didn’t sound rude. Jorran got out of the ship and walked over to Atton. “Where is Sera?” Atton asked excitedly, “I was thinking about us two going to the nearby cantina and getting us…” “I’m sorry Atton,” Jorran began, guilty of interrupting Atton’s happy hour, “I’m afraid Sera has passed away.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted May 19, 2007 Share Posted May 19, 2007 I can tell your writing style is really evolving, Topsite. Looking back at work of yours a year or more ago I can see substantial changes. The basic premise is good, and the unsuccessful rescue makes this look different than the other fics, though as per usual I'm not without my complaints. While your writing style has grown more descriptive, it could still use some improvement IMO - some parts of the fic have a more technical than literary description to them. ie, "More rocks began to fall inside the tomb. Sera immediately ran to her fallen master. She tried to use the Force to lift the rock off her master’s leg," could've included descriptions of what the two of them were thinking, Sera's frustration at being unable to lift the rock, her horror at seeing his likely broken and bloody leg, etc. That can also be applied to the lines the characters are saying. “I’m afraid Sera has passed away,” without Jorran giving any indication of sadness (such as having a heartbroken expression, tears in his eyes, etc) makes him feel a bit emotionless. And lastly, some descriptions of the characters (such as what they looked like) would've been a nice inclusion. Having less technical and more emotional descriptions would be pretty much all the polish the fic would need. I liked the idea, and I can tell you're progressing. Good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted May 19, 2007 Author Share Posted May 19, 2007 Thanks Emperor Devon. I'm glad that you think that I've improved. I only wrote this in an hour, since I didn't have much time to write this, but when this is moved to the CEC, I will improve it there and give it a good rewrite. Thanks for the comments and I really need to read some of the other Fan Fics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I wanted to see a rescue, darn it!! I agree with Emperor Devon--your making good strides in your writing, and your work and commitment is starting to show. There are some grammar problems, but those are easy to fix if you go back and read through it again. Try reading it out loud to yourself--I think you'll catch those mistakes that way. The flashback/flashforward style is extremely difficult to pull off well because it's so disjointed by its very nature. What I would do is make the passages themselves a little longer, and have fewer flashbacks--a couple times I got lost in this piece trying to remember which time period I was in. Your descriptions are improving. When you rewrite it, give us a better sense of the impending doom before the Sith Lord attacks, and describe the Sith Lord. Is it a ghost or is it real? What does the tomb look like? Is it wet, dry, dank, moldy? Are there cobwebs around? Or maybe there aren't any cobwebs, which might be a sign that there's another escape route from the tomb and the fresh air keeps them away, or there are lots of things that go through the corridors regularly and keep the cobwebs from forming. This is a great opportunity to really creep us out. I like this entry better than your first ones. If you put even more time into them, I think you'll be more pleased with the results. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted May 23, 2007 Author Share Posted May 23, 2007 Thanks Jae. I will hopefully make edits to this, when this it is moved to the CEC. Then I will also post it on FF.Net and maybe KFM. Once again, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Sorry about this, Pottsie, it's just too good of an opportunity to let it slide. I agree with Emperor Devon--your making good strides in your writing... Ahem. Emphasis added by me. Hall 1, Jae 0. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted May 25, 2007 Share Posted May 25, 2007 Your writing is really improving:) Still, some more detail would be nice. Why is Jorran bitter, when he asked her to leave him? How desperate must Sera have been feeling to try to cut off Jorran's leg? It's also pretty surprising that Atton did not feel Sera's death, considering the exile's tendency to form exceptionally strong Force bonds. That having been said, I really like the idea of the parallel events! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted May 25, 2007 Author Share Posted May 25, 2007 Thanks beehoon and your Fan Fic is starting to beat mine now (We had a draw before), but yours deserves to get more votes. Thanks for saying mine has improved and I shall read yours later and give my first vote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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