[Fic] Shady

[NateDogg]

Shady

 

The water trickled from the tops of the large trees. A shady figure lurked in the darkness, beneath th trees, in the Shadowlands of Kashyyyk. By now the water had soaked through his dark black robes, it dripped from the snow white hair that covered one eye. The figure that wandered the Shadowlands went by one name, Shady, not one of those that he hunted had ever escaped, but he'd never taken on prey like this, the bounty hunter had set his eyes on a group of three Jedi, the pay for these three was extremely high. He scowered in the darkness looking for any hint of Jedi, his informant had said they'd come here, but so far he'd seen nothing, no proof. There was a flash of green, the sound of lightsaber hitting saber, and than a slight woosh as a saber went closed, silence. Shady walked in the direction of the light, there he saw them the three Jedi, one girl and two guys.

"Be alert, I sense we are not alone," he overheard the female say.

"Emily your always so worried, we got it covered," one of the guys said smiling.

"Paul your to cocky one day that will be your downfall, it was during training," Emily replied smiling. He had to admit she was very attractive, her beautiful blonde hair fell down to the shoulders, and she had stunning blue eyes. Paul had spiked brown hair with brown eyes, he was the primary target, he wore a chain necklace and Jedi robes. The other guy in the group went by the name of Dawg, he was worth just slightly less than Paul, the girl however was not a major target, he thought about that but forced the thought out of his mind as the Jedi started moving again. He lurked in the shadows behind them picking up bits and pieces of information about each of them. Finally they stopped, setting up camp. It appeared as if one would stand guard as the other two slept. He waited until the primary was on guard, slowly, quietly he walked away from his hideout. He wound up behind the Jedi, just 20 feet behind him, without being spotted, he pulled out a blaster rifle, with a modified scope and searched for a target point, the most common was the back of the head which was where he aimed, adding slight pressure to the trigger the young jedi fell, dead, direct hit, but the sound of blaster fire awakened the two other Jedi. It was than Shady realized, the two other Jedi where sleeping together, but these two would be harder, not only where odds in thier favor, but he no longer had the element of surprise, he needed to even the odds a little bit, he quickly aimed for the shadows moving in the tent, the first one he saw stand up he fired at, the shadow fell to the ground, with a scream of pain. Shady dropped the blaster to the ground as Emily ran out of the tent, only a towel covering her up.

"Isn't it against some rule of the Jedi to be sleeping with anybody?" Shady asked from the shadows.

"Who are you, what do you want?" Emily questioned the fear obvious in her voice as she drew her saber and looked around in the darkness for a target.

"Shady," the bounty hunter answered, amused by the 'invincible' Jedi's fear. "All I wanted was those two dead, if you come with me I don't have to kill you too." He offered.

"No...I won't," she replied, her voice still quievering.

"Hey you can't say I didn't try," he pulled a blood red saber from his side, and walked forward laughing, "Sweetie, any last words?"

"Where'd you get a saber?" She questioned, terrified now.

"People like you." He answered, laughing as he brought the blade down on her she died.

[Diego Varen]

Short, but sweet. I like the description here, but I don't think that the Paul and Dawg should be referred to as guys. I prefer to call men, men, but that is my opinion. Also, I know in books it is like this, but split the dialogue up, so people who have bad eyesight (like me, who is short sighted) can read it better. Very good and Shady was an interesting character who reminded me slightly of General Grievious.

 

8/10.

[Sabretooth]

Short, but sweet. I like the description here. Also, I know in books it is like this, but split the dialogue up, so people who have bad eyesight (like me, who is short sighted) can read it better. Very good and Shady was an interesting character who reminded me slightly of General Grievious.

 

I think Tops' definition of your tale as "short but sweet" suits it perfectly. I also agree with the fact that a little spacing between the dialogues would have made it a lot more readable. Also, the Shady character is a very good one! I hope you make a larger fic based on him!

 

but I don't think that the Paul and Dawg should be referred to as guys. I prefer to call men, men, but that is my opinion.

 

Yes, of course, my friend. "You men, men! Come over here!, "You men, men are so silly!", "C'mon men, men, let's hang out!" (sorry, couldn't resist )

[JasraLantill]

Well this story started off okay. A few gramatical mistakes (like using 'your' instead of 'you're'), spelling ('scowered'--not sure if you meant 'cowered' or 'scoured' in that case), and some run-on sentences, but nothing too serious.

 

There's a few other problems for me though. One, Shady using a rifle and a scope to shoot someone 20 feet away from him. Shady is supposed to be a professional bounty hunter/gun for hire. I know it's supposed to be dark, but dark or not, even I could hit someone in the back of the head using a child's toy slingshot and a marshmallow if they were only 20 feet away from me. Shady's able to stalk Jedi undetected yet needs to get that close to actually shoot them? Don't belittle your character. If Shady's an expert bounty hunter, then make him an expert shot, too.

 

This sort of goes along with Shady shooting at the shadows in the tent when it's supposed to be dark. It's not specified one way or the other in the story, but unless the tent was lit on the inside, there shouldn't be any type of backlit shadows for Shady to see.

 

Also, the three Jedi characters in the story don't seem to offer much of a challenge to the bounty hunter. They seem more like those blissfully unaware teens who go on a camping trip in the 'Theres-no-monsters-in-these-woods-really' forest in one of those B-movies from the 1950-60s, rather than being young Jedi on a mission. And not even the last Jedi puts up a fight. What, is she more concerned about holding up her towel to protect her modesty rather than protect her life? Since Shady drew a lightsaber, I was expecting a fight. I was disappointed.

 

Overall, I think the plot was ok, but the characters need to be a bit more defined. Good effort though.

[Darth InSidious]

Jasra said a lot of what really needs to be said about this story, so I'll just add some thoughts of my own.

 

For starters, please use paragraphs! It helps delineate your story, and its easier to read.

 

Secondly, your use of language in places is a little awkward. One example which springs to mind is "lightsaber hitting saber". I'm guessing you meant that both had lightsabres. It's a good construction to use, but it would work better if both sides balanced linguistically, so you could have "lightsaber hitting lightsaber" instead.

 

I'll just re-echo what Jasra said about run-on sentences. A lot of those clauses really revolved around a new subject or train of thought, and so should have been new sentences, the lack of which made this particularly difficult to read.

 

Finally, the character descriptions could have been more detailed, and possibly broken up more, interspersed with thier walk through the jungle.

 

Not bad, but could do with improvement. 5/10.

[Bee Hoon]

Pretty much all that needs to be said has been said, but I'll add my 2 cents worth anyway:P The characters don't particularly seem like Jedi... Remember that Jedi have been trained since their early childhood days in the Force and lightsaber combat. As G-canon goes, they are extremely sensitive to things happening around them, and I daresay a bounty hunter bent on killing them taking aim from 20 feet away would ring warning bells in at *least* one of their heads. If you could explain this somehow, it would be great:) Besides that, the Jedi would probably drop down to the ground once they were aware that someone was shooting at them. Technical stuff like that.

 

Do polish up your language, keep writing! It's an intriguing story and with editing, it'll be a great read!

[Quist]

Everything constructive has already been said above, so I'll just add something I found odd. 'Paul', 'Emily' and 'Dawg' don't strike me as particularly Jedi-like names; a few extra letters or syllables would probably have made them sound a bit more exotic.

[Jae Onasi]

I'd be interested in how he tracked them to Kashyyyk and why he was hunting. I agree, he got way too close to the Jedi for them not to notice, even if they were otherwise engaged. I also didn't quite get a sense of the danger of the Shadowlands. That's a pretty unsafe place--I think everyone would be on alert, including Shady. However, this was an interesting premise, and if expanded could be a very cool longer fic.

[NateDogg]

Thanks all I was thinking about making it a longer fic later. I appreciate the critiques.

[Empress Padme]

Like the character , pretty much agree with what has already been said. If you make more stories with Shady let me know.