What did you do to get over someone?

[Tommycat]

Actually there is one other thing that I did to help myself get over it. I went back to working out on a regular basis. There is no better revenge than looking good and being healthy.

[HerbieZ]

Good for you man. I think at the end of the day, as long as you learn something from it then you come out the winner. Whether that something be about yourself, future relationships or people in general. When things like this happen, it is important to focus on yourself and your well-being. How well you handle yourself immediately after the separation is important as you find out how strong a person you are and how you can proceed.

 

My advice is somewhat moot though as i don't really do relationships.

[EnderWiggin]

I've already moved out, the divorce is filed, and I've got myself a spiffy appartment... Now I need furniture haha

 

It sounds like you're coping with it rather well. I'm glad for you that you're moving on.

 

_EW_

[Ray Jones]

When you find a equal better **** it's easy like <snap>.

[tk102]

Meh, I'm sure. Not too worried about whether I'll find the right one eventually. Every event in life is a lesson. This one taught me that allowing myself to change too much would eventually push her away. I went from a wild, drinking, active, crazy band member, to a straight, dedicated, workaholic. When I quit the band for her, I lost something of myself. When I gave up the hot rod I was building for her, I lost more of myself. Eventually I had lost too much of myself and became a different person. Maybe even a more mature person. She never asked me to be that person, but I became him because of the things I had given up.

It sounds to me like you matured and she didn't. That happens. I wouldn't look at it like you lost anything but that you let yourself become a more responsible adult that's able to look at the big picture and set long term goals not just for himself but for the sake of his family. Your situation now has changed of course and now some of those priorities and goals that you rightly placed above more selfish desires have either evaporated or changed significantly, and you find yourself rediscovering some older interests again. That's perfectly normal man. Don't diss your past self in thinking that you lost yourself -- you were adapting to your life at the time with maturity. It's unfortunate that she didn't take the same track with you that's all.

 

Hope your divorce settles without overriding angst. I was going to say "at least you didn't have kids" but then I saw post #49 and so I'm really sorry. Am currently going through the same. PM me if you chat.

[Tommycat]

Fortunately for myself, the kids are not mine. I was taking care of them, and had been for the past 10 years. I treated them as my own. but the fact is they were not. They are hers.

 

I actually didn't start this to whine and complain about my own relationship woes. I started this so that those who have lost a lover can see that they aren't alone, and maybe even glean some advice on how to deal with it the right way.

[Rev7]

Fortunately for myself, the kids are not mine. I was taking care of them, and had been for the past 10 years. I treated them as my own. but the fact is they were not. They are hers.

 

I actually didn't start this to whine and complain about my own relationship woes. I started this so that those who have lost a lover can see that they aren't alone, and maybe even glean some advice on how to deal with it the right way.

Well, that makes it easier, but after 10 years....they must seem like your own.

 

It is really good to know that you have somewhat gotten over her. :/

[Darth Avlectus]

Out of sight, out of mind---ponder what this means...

 

Oh hell, I'll tell you... Nothing to remind you of them around you, don't have any contact. Throw away numbers, emails, etc.

 

Come to terms with it whatever way you gotta.

 

I find admitting where you were wrong, seeing where they were wrong, and just coming to a conclusion of basically, it is what it is. Say to yourself and MEAN IT: "I'm sorry for my part in the wrong." Seeing where the significant other was wrong. Right yourself and hope the other does the same. That way you better yourself, and if the other doesn't, she's only hurting herself.

Don't forget it; for it all holds an important lesson. Forgive. Let it go, especially where you know that no more can be done to fix anything or make it better.

And try to recognize in the future where and when things are going wrong before it derails and you have another painful experience. Practice divesting yourself in these situations. The way of the Shaolin has much we could all learn from--and the samurai. Shame they can't see eye to eye.

 

 

Though my immediate family was loving, and extended... My childhood was fraught with pain in the deeper sense, though I got beat up a lot too as an outcast in school. Still an odd one out, but I accept it now. The bad stuff from petty to downright abuse (i won't go into details but it was bad) was from people I thought close. Friends, family friends, accquaintences, peers, neighbors, etc.

 

Though I came to terms with my childhood pains, I still have scars. I was an angry child.

Forming any kind of adult relationship is difficult for me. You all ought to be thankful you are normal enough to even *have* close adult relationships.

 

I'm done being "nice", though. I'll be good, genuine, but not nice. Women just want to use you. "Let's just be friends" doesn't mean an actual friendship, and it is a "no chance ever" for any kind of romantic intimate relationship.

 

They all want money and 'things'. Gold diggers.

 

Recently I just dated a gal a little younger than me...things were moving rather fast--SHE was the one moving it that way... didn't want anything...just fling fling fling. I tried to keep some measure of decency. We were close to something--or so I thought. Then, boom, she moves out of her apartment. Dated for a week. Ravaged each other.

Then gone.

 

No explanation. No calls. I call her cell about a week later to ask what's up, she said things worked out nice and it happened sooner than expected. Seems uninterested regardless what she says about "us".

It was first "I think I want to pursue a relationship". A few good nights to be sure. However, she hasn't showed any sign of missing me weeks later. So I say, "Eh, F*** it."

I ain't dissapointed. OR surprised--turncoats, users, and betrayers are a lot worse. Just would have hoped she'd aim for better. I hoped for a meaningful thing to get going with her, because I look for more than just a pretty bag of meat to squeeze.

During our time together, told me she was easy. No kiddin'. She's only 19 and it's a pity she's selling herself out like that. I'd call her a five letter word that begins with a W--but I can't...not right here. She moves away, and has attention span of a gnat.

 

One week

"Oh, you are so adorable"

Next week

"Who is this again?"

 

I got pissed. Then just saw it for what it was. Over it.

Detachment is a great thing sometimes.

 

Anyhow, face it down, then busy yourself once past it. Deleting it from yer daily life. It also helps to stay away from forming relationships with people, women you run into at least fairly frequently.

Funny how the Jedi are sorta like shaolin monks with their detatchment philosophy. Detatchment is a good thing as it also teaches you what true compassion is--like instead of coddling someone, smacking some sense into him/her.

[Bee Hoon]

^Not all women are like that. I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you'll someday meet someone who changes your mind.

[Tommycat]

Well here's my thoughts on it GTA:

 

She messed up. Don't go and change yourself too far from who you were before. Trust me, you'll regret it later. Be willing to take in your own mistakes as well. She may have been a <woman of the night>, however that does not mean that she was the only one that did anything wrong. I don't know your situation so I cannot judge.

 

I personally have admitted to my failures. I got too comfortable with my wife, and in some sense took her for granted. Of course looking at the relationship, it's amazing we lasted 10 years. We both let a whole lot slide.

 

Not all women are the same GTA. Look at the bright side. At least you didn't waste several years on that relationship haha.

[Bimmerman]

I just went through a rather nasty break up as well. No cheating that I know of, but still not pleasant. What I've done to get over it(still haven't succeeded) was to cut off all contact and indulge in my car nut self, going to car meets as often as possible, working on the car whenever I could, and going for long fast, spirited drives(for the record, eastern Utah is a sooo boring; not even triple digit speeds saves it).

 

I tried the "being friends" bit for about a week before I realized just how much I still felt for her, whereupon I promptly cut off all contact and drove out to Utah to rescue a friend's car.

 

She's turned downright neurotic since, and began harassing me, vandalized my prized race car and also the daily driver, sent me hate mail, etc.

 

Aside from her shenanigans since the breakup, I've been happier than ever. I have time to go racing, time to do car stuff, time to hang with friends, time for ME. I also have muuuch more money now than before

 

I read that you were building a hot rod for her; whatever car you have, go drive it hard, fast, or go race it. Great way to just say "eff the world, I'm going to have fun." Or go hang with friends, etc, just don't plunge headfirst into a bottle of tasty malted beverages.

 

Glad to hear you're getting over her, screw her to the wall in divorce court financially or nail her best friend. Always a winner move.

[Tommycat]

I read that you were building a hot rod for her; whatever car you have, go drive it hard, fast, or go race it. Great way to just say "eff the world, I'm going to have fun." Or go hang with friends, etc, just don't plunge headfirst into a bottle of tasty malted beverages.

 

Glad to hear you're getting over her, screw her to the wall in divorce court financially or nail her best friend. Always a winner move.

Meh her best friend is ugly as sin haha... And she's married to a really decent guy. So that's right out the window...

 

No, I was building a hot rod. I gave it up for her. Looking back, I should have given her up for the car haha. At least I'd still have the car...

 

It was a 48 Nash. Had a 383 LT1 I was going to drop in it. It was my Grandmother's car, and I made a promise to her that I was going to make it a real hot rod. No biggie now though. I have enough left over after each check that I can actually afford to build a car I want.

 

As for the friends part... I think it was the movie Starship Troopers that said it best, "Why is it that they always want to be your friend after they rip your heart out and stomp on your guts?"

[Bimmerman]

Meh her best friend is ugly as sin haha... And she's married to a really decent guy. So that's right out the window...

 

No, I was building a hot rod. I gave it up for her. Looking back, I should have given her up for the car haha. At least I'd still have the car...

 

It was a 48 Nash. Had a 383 LT1 I was going to drop in it. It was my Grandmother's car, and I made a promise to her that I was going to make it a real hot rod. No biggie now though. I have enough left over after each check that I can actually afford to build a car I want.

 

As for the friends part... I think it was the movie Starship Troopers that said it best, "Why is it that they always want to be your friend after they rip your heart out and stomp on your guts?"

 

Cars before girls man... haha. Sounds like a great car you were building; now you have time to actually build it the way you want! I'm currently scrimping and saving to turn my little BMW into a Street Modified class autocross destroyer.... I'm about $30-40k short of being competitive but it's fun just wrenching on the car nonetheless.

 

That quote's unfortunately waaay too true. Girls just don't understand the whole closure and "leave me the hell alone" part.

[Tommycat]

Cars before girls man... haha. Sounds like a great car you were building; now you have time to actually build it the way you want! I'm currently scrimping and saving to turn my little BMW into a Street Modified class autocross destroyer.... I'm about $30-40k short of being competitive but it's fun just wrenching on the car nonetheless.

 

That quote's unfortunately waaay too true. Girls just don't understand the whole closure and "leave me the hell alone" part.

 

Yeah, I should have kept the car, but I thought I loved the wife, and thought she loved me.... Oh well, the car is long gone, and I'll have to find a new project. I'm thinking I'll get a 65 Pontiac Tempest. Should be fun and not so common as to be predictable. Yet not so rare as to be ultra expensive.

[Yar-El]

Ok, so a bit of background, A few weeks back I found out my wife had been cheating on me while I was at work. That was a very rough time for me. I was pretty dang mad. I immediately moved out stayed in a hotel and got an appartment pretty quick. We're done. I'm actually over her(faster than I thought I would be). I got over her mostly by talking to friends and of course having people around me that let me know how much more of a friend to me they were than to her. But my question to you is IF you had a person that you thought was the love of your life, and had to face the loss, How did you get over it?

 

If you want the full story about what happened, I can explain more, but I don't think it's necessarily important to the thread topic.

It took me three years to get over a four year relationship. I used my grief, turned it into hate, and then allowed it to motivate me. We broke apart from taking two different roads. There was no actual explination except -- I'm going right. -- You're going left. She ended up marrying someone else six years later. I allowed my emotions of hatred and grief to motivate everything else. We knew that there was no other choice. Our future success depended on the split. She will allways be a friend.

[Darth Avlectus]

Well here's my thoughts on it GTA:

 

She messed up. Don't go and change yourself too far from who you were before. Trust me, you'll regret it later. Be willing to take in your own mistakes as well. She may have been a <woman of the night>, however that does not mean that she was the only one that did anything wrong. I don't know your situation so I cannot judge.

 

I personally have admitted to my failures. I got too comfortable with my wife, and in some sense took her for granted. Of course looking at the relationship, it's amazing we lasted 10 years. We both let a whole lot slide.

 

Not all women are the same GTA. Look at the bright side. At least you didn't waste several years on that relationship haha.

 

Of course I take my own mistakes--I practice what I preach, though I do get carried away sometimes.

A commitment is not about letting it slide, you learned that the hard way. I'm sorry you had to.

Several years on a romantic relationship...no. Friendships that ended up being bad after nearly 10+ years, yes. Knowing what it's like to be in a constant situation where everybody backstabs the good guy...YES.

No you are not in a judging position. You don't know me and my situation as well as you'd like to think. But that's ok.

I am wary of others one way or another, as a result.

What I did wrong??? Ehh well, I'd LIKE to know what I did wrong. There wasn't exactly room for any screw ups though, that's the thing. Just fleeting conversation that always wound up in bed like on a crappy sitcom. As suddenly as she was onto me, she was gone. You want disgusting physical details??? Didn't think so.

 

Previous girls...some I'm happy to have gotten away from.

Others I regret that I lost due to my baggage and scars. Those were all relationships that could have gone somewhere...some of them were beautiful too inside and out.

 

Tomcat, You missed my other point: BE THANKFUL YOU EVEN HAVE LONG RELATIONSHIPS. They give you more to learn from. Though it really hurts to find a friend so false after such a long time, yes. I let it strengthen my resolve.

Nope-no 10 year love relationship; But I have known backstabbers all my life friends, lovers, and others. I'm not changed simply cuz of her, This is a gradual change that has come to pass after many years--this young lady was just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Being mr nice guy sucks--all you get are holllow friends and the scumbag women. Being good and geniune is something completely else.

My problems otherwise, I ain't no smoothie.

The whole "friend" thing--unless the friendship is real, it's what's called the (F-BOMB) which is rejection in disguise. Holding onto this is garbage. It's not a real friendship if you have nothing in common and you can't relate. For nice guys, it's just a trap for girls to use you--shoulder to cry on when they need it, shoo and kick you away when you are no longer needed; to hell with your needs. It's all about her.

Why do they offer it after breakups? Usually it is to add insult to injury after breakups. Don't go for it in that case.

 

Yar-el: yours looks like it was love ended on friendship...good terms. That's always good to know. Sometimes it's the other way around once in a blue moon. Friendship to love, highschool sweethearts.

 

Show you right Bimmerman: they need to just let well enough alone. I like your style. If she ends up disloyal and unfaithful, get her in court. I like the "nailing her friend" idea too, but it may just make more drama and crap...I guess it depends on things. Yeah, Winner indeed.