joke thread

[Zygomaticus]

anyone can post jokes here

heres mine

 

> "Did you take a bath?"

> "Why, Is there one missing?"

>

> "Are you chewing gum?"

> "No, I'm John Smith."

>

> "I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."

> "Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

>

> "I spent three years in college taking medicine."

> "Are you well now?"

>

> "I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."

> "Who wants to eat your friends?"

>

> "We are having mother for dinner, darling."

> "Make sure she's well done."

>

> "I want some rat poison."

> "Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

>

> "It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the

other."

>

> "Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

>

> "May I hold your hand?"

> "No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

>

> "When will you straighten out the house, dear?"

> "Why? Is it tilted?"

>

> "Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"

> "No, you'll have to walk"

>

> "Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"

> "But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

>

> "I have changed my mind."

> "Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

>

> Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

> Customer: What other colors do you have?

>

>

[darthfergie]

another thread???

 

I was hungry one day and a dog bit me...so I ate him...

[Guest Rogue15]

lol those were funny.

[Zygomaticus]

words u might not understand

punjab: a place in india

20 lakhs= 40000 dollars

 

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Punjab,

and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the

causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead

man. 'This is man was a lucky guy,' he says. 'He died

of shock after winning 20 lakhs in a lottery.' He then

moves on to the second smiling corpse. 'This was a

good man,' the coroner says with a grin. 'He ate a

hearty meal" Finally he moves on to the last smiling

corpse. 'This is Santa Singh,' says the coroner. 'He

died after being struck by lightning.' 'Well,' asks

the detective, 'Why in hell was the fool smiling?'

'Oh,' says the coroner. 'He thought he was having his

picture taken!'

[Zygomaticus]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a

drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. 'It opens at

noon' answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a

call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. 'What

time does the bar open?' he asks. 'Same time as

before... Noon.' replies the clerk. Another hour

passes and he calls again, plastered 'Whatjoo shay the

bar opins at?' The clerk then answers, 'It opens at

noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service

send something up to you.' 'No... I don't want to get

in? hic? I want to get.OUT!!!'

 

****************************************************************************

 

 

Santa Singh sees lot of guys running on the highway.

He asks a bystander why all of the guys were running.

The man answers: 'They're all running in the marathon

race.' Santa Singh: 'What do they get from that?' The

man : 'The winner will get a prize!' Santa Singh:

'Then why are the others running?'

[Clefo]

One day Hilary Clinton Dies (Republicans: Yay!) she ends up in heaven (Republicans: Boo!) and she notices that there are a bunch of clocks around Heaven, she asks an Angel what those are about.

 

"Basicly those clocks go forward in time when someone living tells a lie."

 

She asks where her husbans clock is

 

"Oh God has it in his room, he uses it as a fan"

[Zygomaticus]

that was hilarious

 

as some of u may know india and pakistan are not in friendly terms

 

An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and a Malaysian

in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer,

when all of a sudden; Saudi police entered and

arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death

but they contested this and were finally imprisoned

for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the

Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving

20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for

their punishment, the sheikh suddenly said: "It's my

first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow

each of you one wish before your whipping." So the

Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said:

"Please be tying a pillow to my back." This was done

but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip

went through. The Pakistani guy, watching the scene,

said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even

two pillows could only take 12 lashes before the whip

went through again. Before the Indian fellow could say

something, the sheikh turned to him and said: "As you

are from a small country, and your football team and

your cricketers are terrible. And my youngest and the

most beautiful wife is also an Indian. So you can have

two wishes" Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful

Highness", the Indian replies. "My first wish is: I

would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the

Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face,

"and your second wish ?" "Tie the Pakistani to my

back", the Indian answered !!

[Zygomaticus]

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery,

noticed an old Chinese

man

placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do

you expect your

friend

to come up and eat the rice?"

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time

your friend comes

up to

smell the flowers."

[Jedi_Knight]

LOL the indian one was funny:D

[Guest Darth_Venage]

Here's one:

(DISCALMER: THE UNLCE IN THIS JOKE WAS ORIGINALLY MOTHER-IN-LAW, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE)

 

One day, three men came across an old lamp. One guy picked it up, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The Genie agreed to grant the three men any wish they wanted, but their uncle would get twice of whatever the men got. So the first man asked for a million dollars in cash.

"But your uncle will get 2 million dollars in cash" the genie said.

"So? I have a million dollars of cold cash. I can just leave him."

"Ok" the genie said, and granted the man his wish. The second guy asked for a million dollars in gold bars.

"But your uncle will get 2 million in gold bars."

"So? I'll just leave him."

So the genie granted that man his wish. Finally, the genie came to the third man and asked him what he wanted. The third man thought about it for a minute, then replied:

"Scare me half to death"

 

[Guest xwing guy]

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! Funny!

[Zygomaticus]

Q: One sardarji died while he was drinking his milk.

Why?

A: Because buffallo sat on him!

<<<>>> <<<>>>

 

 

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing

football and the game went into extra time.

 

chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign

girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage

to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone

and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter

of proposal to her.

HE WROTE

Most worthy of your estimation

after a long consideration

and much mediation.

I have a strong indication

to become your relation.

As to my educational qualification,

it is no exaggeration or fabrication

that I have passed my matriculation examination;

no doubt without any hesitation and very little

preparation.

What do you say to the solemnisation

of our marriage celebration

according to the glorification of modern civilisation

 

and with a view to the expansion of the population of

present generation.

On your approbation of the application,

I shall make preparation to improve my situation,

and if such obligation is worthy of consideration

it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation

of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

To remain victim of your fascination.

SHE WROTE

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulation for your lengthy narration

of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation

for a combination which on examination

I find is a fine presentation of your ambition

You have passed your matriculation with little

preparation,

what about my graduation after a long botheration,

so improve situation in education and make an

application

by acquisition of post graduation and minimum

qualification

for the convocation and before taking your photo for

circulation

undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following conditions

is the regulation

for the determination of our relation.

1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for

my connection.

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not

a victim of any fascination and,

2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not

a victim of any fascination and,

In anticipation of a solid action instead of

continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain, Unaffected by your affection.

[Jedi_Knight]

I have a few irish jokes so no offence anyone from Ireland they are from a book

 

Mick was out of work so he went around from house to house asking if there were any jobs to be done. One fellow felt sorry for him so he gave him a pot of yellow paint and a brush and told him to paint his porch yellow from top to bottom. About an hour later Mick, dripping in paint came round for his money and said,"The job is finished,oh,and by the way thats's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes'.

 

An Irishman was missing for two week so his wife informed the police.One morning the police knocked on her door and told her that her husband's body had been found floating in the canel

'Sure that couldn't be him,' she told them,'because he couldn't swim'.

[Guest dr_death]

what has 4 legs a tail and barks?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

a dog,

ya ha ha haaa

[Paragon_Leon]

This might just be a little bit on the raunchy side for some, so if you don't want to read it....then don't.

 

 

 

Q: Where are the sexual organs of an elephant ?

 

A: Under it's feet. If it stands on you, you're.... well, you know...

 

(Heard that one a lot in Africa)

[Guest dr_death]

that was funny leon!!!

 

does anyone have any blond jokes or women jokes.

 

i will give you all a website soon where they are real funny things on it!!

there are games for dumb blonds such as dot to dot with only two dots, and game where you have to get out of a maze and there is ony one line goin from the middle to the outside.

[Guest Hannibal]

Here's a good mother-in-law joke...

 

A man sees a hearse driving down the street. Behind the hearse is a man walking a dog. Following behind him is a line of 50-60 men.

 

The man asks "who died?"

 

The man walking the dog replies, "My mother-in-law."

 

"What's with the dog?"

 

"This dog killed her."

 

"Can I borrow him?"

 

"Get in line."

[Wraith 8]

once.. ah blond girl walks in to a barbershop and sais: you can cut my hair but DO NOT REMOVE THE WALKMAN.

 

The barber looks... ok... he is busy cutting her hair. and at a cetain point the walkman is in the way... so he takes it off her head and strt cutting where the walkman was.

 

After 1 minute, the blonde girl drops dead on the floor. the barber checks her. No pulse (English?) and she is not breathing at all.

He picks up the headset and listens what it sais.

 

And it said: DONT FORGET: BREATH IN, BREATH OUT, BREATH IN, BREATH OUT. DONT FORGET: BREATH IN, BREATH OUT, BREATH IN, BREATH OUT.

 

[Zygomaticus]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

 

 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

 

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

 

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Zygomaticus]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

 

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

 

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

 

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

 

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

 

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

 

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Jedi_Knight]

hahahahaha the alligator one is real funny

 

Why don't irshmen eat smarties?

It's too much trouble peeling off the shells to get the chocolate

 

How can you pick the irsh pirate?

He's the one with patches over both eyes.

 

Have you heard about the irshman who tunnelled his way to freedom from prison in two months?

He was only serving one month.

 

I will post some more later:D

[Guest GIR]

Ok heres one please dont hurt me if youve heard this,

 

There's two men in two cars, one's Italian, one's american, both of them are speeding.

 

A cop pulls them over, obviously thinking they're drunk.

 

The officer asks the american man, " Make up a sentence with the words pink yellow and green." The American man says, "I was chewing pink bubblegum under a yellow sun on green grass.", The officer goes over to the Italian man, he asks the same question.

 

The Italian man says, "The phone go green green i pink it up and go yellow!"

 

[Silenthunter]

There were three men,an American, an Irishman, and an Afghan, and they were flying over their home countries. The the American loved his country so much that he dropped a box of chocolates out of the plane over it. Then there was a man on the ground, who sees a little kid crying. He says "What's the matter little kid?" and the kid says " Someone dropped a box of chocolates on my head".

Now the Irishman is flying over his country, he loves his country so much that he drops a pot of gold. Then someone else is walking down the road and sees a little kid crying." What's the matter little kid?" he says. "I was walking down the street and a pot of gold hit me on the head". Now the Afghan is flying over his country. He hates his country so bad that he drops an atomic bomb out of the plane. Someone on the ground sees a little kid laughing. He says " Hey kid, what's so funny? and the little kid says " Bin Laden farted and the house blew up!"

 

Theres my contribution.

[Zygomaticus]

that was awesome silent hunter

ok heres one

theres this guy who has a really fat wife whos just about to go to a job interview so she dresses up all nice. and she asks him do i look good

and he says "do u want me to be truthful or nice":D

[Guest GIR]

Ok Ok here's another one....

 

A woman with blonde hair walks into a bar, a man says, " WOW YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL!" The woman says, " Thanks," she rubbes her hand over her hair and says, "It's natural."

Another woman walks in, same thing. Then another woman walks in with green hair. The man likes her hair and exclaims, 'I LOVE YOUR HAIR!" The woman syas, "Thanks", she rubbes her hand under hernose then onto her hair! She replies, "It's natural."

 

Hopefully i can dig some more jokes out of my archive.