Darth Groovy Posted October 9, 2002 Share Posted October 9, 2002 2 hunters from New Jersey walk into the woods. Suddenly one hunter falls to the ground and his eyes roll back into his head and he stops breathing. The other hunter in a panic calls 911 on his cell phone. 911: "911 emergeancy?" Hunter 2: "Yes I think my friend is dead!" 911: "Ok calm down, first thing is first. Let's be sure if your friend is dead or not." Hunter 2: ........................................................... *Loud gunshot sound*, "Ok now what?" *drum crash* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldritch Posted October 9, 2002 Share Posted October 9, 2002 Groovy, You messed up the joke a bit. It's more funny when you tell it correctly. Did you know that the joke you told was found to be the funniest in the world recently (according to a panel of scientists who polled over 250,000 people)? -Anakin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Groovy Posted October 9, 2002 Share Posted October 9, 2002 Ya I never professed to be a comedian. Yeah that's why I told the joke. Hey........how do you kill a circus? GO FOR THE JUGULAR!!!!!!!! *DRUM CRASH* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Covenant Posted October 13, 2002 Share Posted October 13, 2002 i dont see the need of the point for spam, there is no reward for so many posts, i post to give my p.o.v that is all, will anyone ignore someone with 10 posts and listen to someone with 1000? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Covenant Posted October 13, 2002 Share Posted October 13, 2002 im sorry about that i posted in the wrong window, to stop this from being just spam, heres a joke i never thought this possible but i was amused by a boyband SHOCK HORROR here see what you think http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/watch.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 13, 2002 Share Posted October 13, 2002 Originally posted by Tie 23 Two red necks were out in the woods hunting, then one grabed his chest, fell on the ground and his eye rolled up (heart attack) The other guy takes out his cell phone and dials 911, "I think Bubbas dead!" yelled the redneck over the phone. The operator answered,"Calm down, now listen to my instructions, now make sure hes dead." There was silence for a moment and a shot was head, then he came back on the line. "Okay, now what?" :D :D :D I love that one! Sorry Darth Groovy, I posted that on page 2! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted October 13, 2002 Author Share Posted October 13, 2002 Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane 10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore. 9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know. 8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does? 7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding. 6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming! 5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory. 4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you? 3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks! 2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on? 1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Superman: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!" Spidey: "No can do, Superman. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Superman: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!" Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, butt-naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but damn! my ass sure hurts like hell." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunatic Jedi Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 Here's an addition to the list of things you don't want to hear during surgery: Damn, I just got back from a hunting trip. Two days and I didn't bag a single deer! I just have to kill SOMETHING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jed Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 What's the difference between a run over squirrel and a run over lawyer? There were skid marks in front of the squirrel! *DRUM CRASH* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 and my signature:D The M.U.N.S.A. test Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association. Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material. 1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers? a. STRETCH b. SKID c. HARPO d. TYRE 2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is: a. YELLOW b. GERANIUM c. 8 d. TYRE 3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is: a. z b. b c. d d. TYRE 4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen? a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA d. Tyre 5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest? a. The one going EAST b. The one going WEST c. Neither d. Tyre e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions 6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN) a. A car b. Orange c. Insufficient Data d. Tyre 7. Mona Lisa was: a. A dissatisfied Woman b. A Song by Billy Idol c. A painting d. Tyre 8. The cold war was about: a. Ice b. Autumn c. A few people at the top not liking each other d. Tyre 9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre) a. Tyre b. Tyre c. Tyre d. Pardon? Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do? 90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet. 50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off. -20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks! Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard! What will MUNSA do for you? MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Pulic readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy: * Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices * Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it) * Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel * "Safe" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited. As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 1... "The Young Business Man On The Phone" A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2... "OJ Simpson's Glove" Q: Why couldn't O. J. play baseball? A: He couldn't find his bloody glove! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3... "Big John In The Old West" A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!" A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4... "The Iowan Purchases A Chain Saw" An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5... "Lucky Frog Story" A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. The man asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man trusts the frog. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Note, these jokes are for young adults/adults. Caution) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's Like..... yo mama’s like a television, even a 2 year old could turn her on! yo mamma's like a video game, three men for a quarter yo mamma's like pizza pizza, thirty minutes or its free! yo mamma's like lettuce, 25 cents per head yo' mama's like a racecar, she burns fifty rubbers a day yo mamma's like like a doornob, everyone tries to screw her! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's So Fat..... whenever she goes swimming in the ocean, baby whales can be seen nursing on her breasts when she wears high heels, she strikes oil! she uses a mattress for a Kotex she makes King Kong look like a baby chimp even Arsenio couldn't kiss all her butt she uses a roll of Bounty and a rope for a tampon she showers at a car wash when your father mounts her, his ears pop she's on both sides of the family! her picture wieghs 10 pounds! her diaphragms come in a Domino's pizza box when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan she uses a hula hoop as a pinkie ring if she bent over, they could show two movies on her butt when she dances the band skips I could go bungie jumping with the elastic from her underwear when she wears a red dress, everyone yells, "Hey Kool-Aid!" her clothes have stretch marks her nickname is "eclipse"! she got her own atmosphere when she sites around the house, she REALLY sits around the house -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's so Ugly......... yo' father put the bathroom mirror inside the medicine cabinet her pillows cry at night her own shadow is afraid of her even her Rice Krispies won't talk to her she could be a poster child for the burn center when she was a child, her parents sent her to the movies-then moved! when she was a child, she had to "trick or treat" over the telephone she could make k.d. lang go straight she's a living example of why some animals eat their young she's a living example of why you shouldn't do IT with family farmers pay top dollar for her to stand in the fields and scare the crows away -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's so Short......... she looks up to EVERYONE she does IT with your sister's Ken doll she could bungee jump off my shoelaces she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a curb she goes swimming in a bottle cap she scuba dives in the fish bowl she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime she takes an elevator to get up to bed she could handglide on a dorito chip you can see her feet on her driver licence picture. she could ride on the back of a roach, and her legs would still dangle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's so Poor........ she can't afford to pay attention. I took a peanut and she said don't be so greedy. she has fries on layway at McDonalds. I stepped in her front door and came out through the back. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's so Stupid........ she goes to the library to get a book of matches she thinks Boyz to Men is a Day care center she thinks Chevy Chase is a funny car race she brings toilet paper to a crap game she sold her car for gas money she got hit by a parked car! she thinks a quarter back, was a refund! she cooks with Old Spice when you told her it was chilli outside she went and got a bowl she brought a rabbit to a hair salon she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet she took a spoon to the superbowl she water's fake plants. she thinks a pawn shop is a chess players' club she thinks tofu is a guy with a foot fetish she went to a mind reader and was only charged half price she thinks lobotomy is a new dance craze when she went to a movie and it said, "under 17 not admitted,"she went home to find 16 relatives! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo' Mama's so Old........ she remembers the Alamo she knew Ronald McDonald when he was in clown school scientists claim she's the missing link she lived at the Gettysburg address her birthday expired she has an autographed copy of the bible when I told her to act her age, she dropped dead she remembers turning tricks for a nickel she's in Jesus's yearbook! she swam in the Dead Sea when it was still alive. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 14, 2002 Share Posted October 14, 2002 more to come, for pics go to http://www.lovethosekids.com all are clean:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jah Warrior Posted October 15, 2002 Share Posted October 15, 2002 The police found two children today, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating a firework. The police charged one and let the other one off!!! Boooom boooom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted October 16, 2002 Share Posted October 16, 2002 Did You hear about the gay midget. He came out of the cabinet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhantomHelix Posted October 16, 2002 Share Posted October 16, 2002 LMFAO!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!! ow, my ribs hurt from laughin so hard...... :lol: :rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 There are three old Retired men playing a round of golf. Each of them is hard of hearing. One of them says: "It's Windy, isn't it?" The other said: " No, it's Thursday." The last man said: "Me too, let's get a beer." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jed Posted October 18, 2002 Share Posted October 18, 2002 That's a good one Obi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arreat Posted October 19, 2002 Share Posted October 19, 2002 Originally posted by JRThomas How do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -A stick Thank you, thank you... LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! GOOD ONE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue_Ace Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Bob goes to a bar on top of a mountian (dont ask why). He walks in and sees a man sitting at the bar, the man at the bar takes a swig of beer and jumps out the window. The man is speechless and suddenly the guy floats back inside the window. Bob says to the man, "how did you do that?" The guy says, "easy, the wind drafts are so strong up here it will just blow you back up." So Bob says, "cool let me try." So bob jumps out the window...and hits the bottem of the cliff, splat! (he's dead). The bartender who is watching the whole thing turns to another parton and says, "Damn Superman is a mean drunk.":D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lunatic Jedi Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Three mice are arguing in a bar about who's the toughest. One mouse slams down a shot and says "I'm so tough that I can take the cheese from a mouse trap, bench press the mouse trap about 200 times, and run off without a scratch! The second mouse slams down a shot and says "That's nothing! I'm so tough I can carve out a mouse hole instantly just by tapping the wall with my pinky! The third mouse slams down a shot and gets up to leave. The other mice say, "Whatsa matter? Not tough enough?" The third mouse replies, "I don't have time. I'm gonna go home and **** the cat!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldritch Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Originally posted by Rogue_Ace Bob goes to a bar on top of a mountian (dont ask why). He walks in and sees a man sitting at the bar, the man at the bar takes a swig of beer and jumps out the window. The man is speechless and suddenly the guy floats back inside the window. Bob says to the man, "how did you do that?" The guy says, "easy, the wind drafts are so strong up here it will just blow you back up." So Bob says, "cool let me try." So bob jumps out the window...and hits the bottem of the cliff, splat! (he's dead). The bartender who is watching the whole thing turns to another parton and says, "Damn Superman is a mean drunk.":D LOL... Since the mods around here won't let me post any *suggestive* jokes, I'll go with a nice G rated one: What did Zero say to Eight? Nice belt. ::rim shot:: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marth Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 I don't have a joke i have a heckle Here is when to use it : (When you at a ckub and the comedian starts with)"So i was walking down the street" kind of jokes you blurt out : "Well you better hold on to your t-cells everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldritch Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 Originally posted by Marth I don't have a joke i have a heckle Here is when to use it : (When you at a ckub and the comedian starts with)"So i was walking down the street" kind of jokes you blurt out : "Well you better hold on to your t-cells everyone That makes absolutely ZERO sense. -Anakin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marth Posted October 20, 2002 Share Posted October 20, 2002 T-cells are your immunity cells so when you say "Better hold on to your T-cells everyone" it means brace yourself its gonna be bad just like a virus being bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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