JediNyt Posted December 8, 2002 Share Posted December 8, 2002 A duck walks into a bar and goes to the bar tender. Duck- Hey got any apples? Bar tender- No we dont sell apples. The duck leaves and comes back the next day. Duck- Have any apples? Bar tender- No we dont have apples. I told you yesterday. Again the duck leaves and is back the next day. Duck- Do you have any apples? Bar tender- No! We dont have apples! If you ask me one more time Im gonna nail your feet to the ground! Duck- Ok seeya. The duck leaves and sure enough hes back the very next day. The bar tender looks with utter annoyment as the duck walks up the the bar. Duck- Hey you got any nails? Bar tender- Huh? No we dont have any nails duck. Duck- Ok do you have any apples? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted December 8, 2002 Share Posted December 8, 2002 Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediNyt Posted December 8, 2002 Share Posted December 8, 2002 3 nuns die and go to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate says that they must each answer a question right to enter. The nuns agree. The angel asks the first nun "What was the first womans name?". The nun replies "Eve.". She is let in. The angel asks the second nun "What was the first mans name?". She replies "Adam." She too is let in. The Angel asks the third nun "What did the first woman say when she saw the first man?" The nun thinks for a bit then says "Man thats a hard one." Then the gates open and she is let in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 A guy who has a bad stutter is walking down the street one day when he bumps into an old friend. "Its been a long time, " says the friend. "What have you been up to?" "I a-almost got m-maried," the man replies. "What do you mean almost?" "W-we were sitting on the p-porch, and the d-dog was s-scratching his back, and I said, 'H-honey, w-would y-you do that f-for me?' She p-punched me and l-left." "All you did was ask her to scratch your back? What's wrong with that?" "W-well, by the time I g-got it out he was l-licking his balls." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar-Eärfalas Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Q: whats sticky and brown? A: A stick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklighter Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Boyfriend: What's the matter? Girlfriend: Nothing. Boyfriend: Well, something's the matter, what is it? Girlfriend: If you don't know, then that's half the problem. Boyfriend: What??! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Talliusc Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Originally posted by Darklighter Boyfriend: What's the matter? Girlfriend: Nothing. Boyfriend: Well, something's the matter, what is it? Girlfriend: If you don't know, then that's half the problem. Boyfriend: What??! i dont see how thats a joke. it might be humurous to some but not those who have LIVED that conversation many a time. anyways: A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group. The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the frigging brakes on that truck." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Q: How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass? A: Very satisfying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 *falls off chair* It hurts! IT HURTS!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Bubba dies in a fire, and his body is brought to the morgue. The coroner calls in Bubba's two brothers to identify the charred body. "Yup, he's burned pretty bad," says one of the brothers. "Roll him over." The coroner rolls him over. "That ain't Bubba," says the brother. "Nope, it sure ain't," says the other brother. "Bubba had two a$$holes." "What?" says the coroner."I've never heard of such a thing." "Yup," says the first brother. "Everytime we'd go to town, people'd say, 'Hey. look--here comes Bubba with them two a$$holes.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nova_wolf Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 This joke is the first of all that go after it... Ladies, Gentlemen and Swampies, I give you the first ever English, Irish, Scotsman, Welshman joke! An englishman, scotsman, welshman and irishman were in a plane returning to Britain after a concert in America when their plane went haywire and ditched them in the Mojave desert. Only the englishman, scotsman and irishman survives. With no other option, it comes down to them eating the welshman. 'Well, how about we decide this according to football teams' says the englishman. The three agree, and so each say who they support. The english man says 'I have always been a supportor of Liverpool' The scotsman says 'Being a Hearts fan, I think I know what I get!' The irishman looks decidedly sheepish and green in the face. As the other two eat, he just can't look. 'Whats wrong' asks the scotsman, a mouthful of welshman obscuring his words. 'Well, I have always enjoyed watching the english league, and have always been a loyal supporter of Arsenal......' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-s/<itzo- Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmartDragon Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 for those over the age of 18 only ( well 16 anyway) Well here was this couple and you can all guess what they where up to, and the women was lieing there with her legs akimbo when this wasp flew in through the window and into her (not somewhere you want a wasp at all!). So she starts screaming and her bloke rushes her to the doctor, they quickly explain what has happened to him ( yes I know its always a male Doctor but this time its important). So the Doctor explains to the couple that he's never seen a case like this before but that he will atempt to entise the wasp out by using some honey on the end of his you know what. Now the bloke isn't too happy about that as you can imagine but says its ok as the woman is so scared and the Dr promises that he'll be very gentle. anyway the Doctor starts his new procedure but as time goes by he's getting more and more violent until the bloke has to ask him what happened to gentle entisement. To which the Doctor replys "plan A failed I've gone on to plan B. I'm going to drown the Bu99er out" you where warned Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elessar-Eärfalas Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 Q: you know how geese fly in a V? why is one side of the V longer then the otheR? A: because theres more geese on the one side... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marth Posted June 9, 2003 Share Posted June 9, 2003 I just need a lotta laughs (relief myself from finals coming up) Basically here are the rules. 1.Keep it clean no dirty stuff. 2.Make sure it makes sense. 3.No racist jokes/wise cracks 4.And i cant stress this enough try to limit thinking jokes!!! ok here are 2 I got. How many DBZ Characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?..... Only 1 but it takes 3 episodes "How stupid monkeys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"..... "Three 1 to screw it in and two to throw feces at eachother" From Family Guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 I have a lot of jokes... Pastor Roger Matthews tells the following story: We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly out in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory, a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost. Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marth Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 lol dear god i nearly made an accident! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted June 10, 2003 Author Share Posted June 10, 2003 =Knock knock Who's there? =Yoda Yoda who? =Yoda want to let me in, don't you? I have candeh!! What did Ben say to Luke when he bought some funny tasting chips? Use the sauce, Luke What are Chewbacca's favourite biscuits? Chocolate chip wookiees What is a bounty hunter's favourite cheese? Boba Feta What is a bounty hunter's favourite pasta? Boba Fettuccine What does Yoda do when he's constipated? Use the Force But what if he still can't go? Does he keep trying? Try not. Do or do not. There is no try What did the Queen of Naboo's tailor say as he showed off his latest collection? Amidala them myself! =Knock knock! Who's there? =Watto Watto who? =Watto you playing at, 20 questions? Just let me in, will you?! How did Samuel L Jackson freshen up after a hard day's filming? He used a Mace Windu cleaner Why aren't Wookiees hunted for their meat? It tends to be rather Chewie What's Jabba the Hutt's favourite ice-cream? A rancornetto What's the difference between Sand People and dentists? One are Tusken Raiders... while the other are nasty bandit-type people who live on Tatooine Why was Luke scared of the wampa? He didn't know that it would turn out to be fairly armless *avoids bombardment of fruits and vegetables and runs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Cop goes up to a house and knocks on the door, and a five year old kid, cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his hand answers. Cop asks: "Is your father home son?" Kid answers: "What the f*ck do you think!" :D ........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 That was great, so here is another one: You must be single. >> >> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she >>selected a >> quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of >>bacon. As she >> was >> unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a >>drunk >> standing behind >> her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. >>He said, >> "You must be single." >> The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the >>belt, and, >> seeing nothing >> particularly unusual about her selections, said: "Well, >>y'know, that's >> right. But how >> on earth did you know that? The drunk said, "Cause you're >>uglier 'n ****! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Another Day Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 (For anyone who is not cultural, the Irish aren't the most intelligent people in the universe. No offence to any Irish poeple here, but you asked for it.) ***** It's the heat of the Second World War. Behind enemy lines in Germany, three British paratroopers find themselves lost and without any maps. They consist of one Englishman, one Scotsman and one Irishman. Reaching the top of a high cliff, the three spot an approaching Nazi patrol, winding through the foothills. "They'll spot us in no time at all!" exclaims the English soldier. "We must find cover soon!" "Look!" points the Scotsman. "A cave! We can hide in there until the Fritz pass by!" So the intrepid threesome run towards the cave, keeping low and stealthy. Suddenly, the sound of approaching voices can be heard, coming from all directions. "Zey must have escaped!" a German shouts. The soldiers realise they must hide, and fast. Then, with a large stroke of luck, the Englishman comes across three empty sacks, just lying on the floor. "Chaps, we can each hide in a sack!" he orders, getting into his own sack and sealing himself inside. To the casual observer, he could have been anything from grain to coal. The other two soldiers, the Scotsman and Irishman, do as they are told, sealing themselves inside the sacks. Suddenly, three Nazi stormtroopers appear in the mouth of the cave, following footprints left by the Allies. Peering inside, one of them spots the three sacks and motions for his colleagues to follow. The first Nazi approaches the Englishman's sack. Using his rifle, he pokes the sack. "Meow! Meow!" comes a noise from inside. "Ah, it's just some lovely kittens. Leave it alone." smiles the Nazi, turning to the Scotsman's sack. Again, the sack is poked. The Scottish soldier, following his friend's example, shouts: "Woof! Woof!" "Ah, it's just some lovely puppies. Leave it alone." smiles the Nazi, finally turning to the Irishman's sack. After a few well-placed pokes, a tiny voice sounds out from inside the sack - "Potato! Potato!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 That sounded like another form of the Aggie joke There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over. After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick.. Tick..." The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart, Yankee Boy ! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Die Another Day Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 Alright then, how about... ***** As unlikely as this may well be, a single aeroplane climbs steadily over the Alps. The aeroplane contains three occupants - the Pope, the Most Intelligent Man in the World and a young male backpacker. Halfway through the journey, the plane begins to shudder. Opening the door to the cockpit, the young backpacker discovers that the pilot has suffered a heart attack behind the controls. The plane is heading straight for a very tall, ugly mountain. "Quick! We must get the parachutes!" yells the young backpacker. Running towards the parachute locker, he makes a startling discovery - there are only two parachutes. Someone in the doomed plane must remain and face certain death. "Well, the rest of the World cannot survive without my intelligence!" proclaims the Most Intelligent Man in the World. "I must use one of the parachutes!" Grabbing one of them, the Most Intelligent Man in the World opens the plane door and leaps into the air, leaving the Pope and the young backpacker behind. "My son, I have had a good, long life." begins the Pope, holding onto his crucifix and mumbling an ancient prayer. "Go, take the last parachute." "No, it's alright." replies the young backpacker. "We can both live. The Most Intelligent Man in the World took my backpack." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 That was rich:D **** I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area. "A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it relief.didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 Little Billy is sitting in class one day when the teacher says: "Class, how many of you can give me a sentence with the word 'beautiful' in it?" Teacher looks around, and sees Billy waving his hand frantically. (knowing Billy is a wise-ass she chooses a random student) "Please Sarah" Sarah then stands up: "I saw a sunset yesterday and it was beautiful." "Very good Sarah." Billy is jumping up and down. "Please George" "There are lots of beautiful flowers outside." "Excellent George" Not able to tolerate Billys persistance any more teacher asks him: "Yes Miss, I was sitting having dinner with my family, when my sister told my Dad - 'I'm pregnant'. And he said: 'beautiful, just f*cking beautiful'." Little Billy strolls into class a week and a half late one day, and his teacher asks: "Billy, why are you so late? Explain yourself!" Billy says: "Pardon Miss but my Dad got burned at the weekend!" Teacher replies sympathetically: "I'm very sorry to hear that Billy! Was he burned bad?" Billy says: "Yes Miss they don't f*ck around in the crematorium" Boom Boom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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