Sam Fisher Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 FUNNY (and real) SIGNS On a plumbing company's van: "A flush beats a full house!" A sign at a little restaurant: "Eat here or we'll both starve" In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan: "Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection." Ohio road sign: Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi In the bathroom of a mom and pop store: "We aim to please, so, please, you aim too." Sign on a retail store door: PUSH, if it doesn't open, PULL, if it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED. On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Another pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a drycleaners: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Hey! SamFisher! Thought you had abandoned the joke thread...... Two aliens land in a petrol station and approach one of the pumps: "Take me to your leader!" Says alien no. 1 Of course the pump doesn't reply. "One last time earthling, where is your leader!?" Still no answer. "Very well you leave me no choice!" Alien no. 1 pulls out a ray gun and aims at the pump. "NO!" Crys alien no. 2 - but too late, alien no. 1 shoots the pump and blows the station to smithereens. After the blast the two aliens crawl half-dead out of the rubble and alien no. 2 exclaims: "You should know better than to mess with a guy who can wrap his d*ck around his waist and stick it in his ear!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agen Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 This guy walks into a bar.... the next day he gets brain damage.....Gettit Gettit!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 This is something I found, though its not a joke: > > > One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my >class > > > was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was > > > carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone >bring > > > home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd." I had quite >a > > > weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow > > > afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, >I > > > saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all >his > > > books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His > > > glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet >from > > > him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My >heart > > > went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around >looking > > > for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his >glasses, > > > I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He >looked >at > > > me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was >one > > > of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his > > > books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near >me, > > > so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to > > > private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private > > > school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his >books. >He > > > turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play > > > football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung all > > > weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my > > > friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was >Kyle > > > with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you >are > > > gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books >everyday!" > > > He just laughed and handed me half the books. > > > > > > Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were > > > seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, >and > > > I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the > > > miles would never be a problem. > > > > > > He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a >Football > > > scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the > > > time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. > > > I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. >Graduation > > > day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really > > > found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked >good > > > in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. >Boy, > > > sometimes I was jealous. > > > Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his > > > speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll >be > > > great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful >one) > > > and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared >his > > > throat, and said "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you >make > > > it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your >siblings, > > > maybe a coach, but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you >that > > > being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am >going > > > to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he >told > > > the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over >the > > > weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom > > > wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying all his stuff home. He > > > looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 And here is the rest of it: >saved. >My > > > friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." > > > > > > I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy >told > > > us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me >and > > > smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize >it's > > > depth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 hmmmmmm... A Dad polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting in the freezing cold one day. "Dad? Am I a crocodile?" asks the young cub. "No son, you're a polar bear, look at your big paws!" "Oh, O.K." A minute later: "Dad? Am I a Horse?" "NO Son, you're a POLAR BEAR! Look at that white fur!" "Oh, O.K." 30 Seconds later: "Dad? Are you sure I'm not a Pig?" "Look Boy! Why all the stupid questions - white fur, big paws, a shiny black nose! Why don't you think you're a polar bear!!!" "Because I'm f*ckin' freezin!" :D .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Largo-LaGrande Posted June 17, 2003 Share Posted June 17, 2003 one day a girl and her dad were in a shop when she saw a dress she asked him "dad can you please buy this dress ill do anything" the begged "Anything" he asked "will u suck my dik" so she started sucking it and she asked "dad why dose your dik tast like shyit" she asked "becouse your brother wanted a car" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 i've got one for you, Father Torque...if he's even gonna drop by here... Q: When Father Torque was Bantha Fodder, what did everyone call him? A: Fodder Torque! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Uhhh, DJ I don't think this is the right thread for you if your going to post stuff like that. Let's just say this is a warning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandalorian54 Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 I was driving down a contry road in Europe when my car broke down near a monastary. I went to the monastary and asked if I could spend the night. The monks were kind enough to let me and even agreed to fix my car for me. That night I heard the strangest sound I had ever heard in my whole life. The next day while eating breakfast I asked them what the sound was. They said they couldn't tell me because I wasn't a monk. That was disapointing because this noise was so intreaging and I really wanted to know what it was. Sadly I went on my way not knowing as none of the monks were willing to tell me. Two years later on the exact same day my car broke down again, wierd huh? Well once agian they let me stay and offered to fix my car. I had forgotten about the noise but that night I was reminded of it. It was just the strangest noise I had ever heard. So the next morning I asked them again what it was, and again they refused to tell me because I was not a monk. I was forced to spend another night because they still hadn't finished repairing my car. And that night sure enough I heard the sound again. So I went down in the morning and asked them what I had to do to become a monk. They told me I needed to first travel the world and collect one of every preciouse stone on this earth. So I set off on my journey and came back three years later. I arrived at the monastary with a truck full of preciouse rocks. They congradulated me and said I could now become a monk. So after completing the rituals I became a monk. Now I had to know what this sound was that I had heard. So they lead me to two large oak doors. But the doors were locked. The monks gave me a key and I opened the door, but inside were two emrald doors. Once again I took the key and opened the door, but inside were two bronze doors. I opened those doors and their were two stone doors. After them came two marble doors, and then two glass doors. Finally they told me I had reached the last door. It was a silver door. Inside they told me was a maze and at the end of the maze I would find the source of the sound. But I can't tell you because your not a monk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Ouch, that was mean! **** A blonde replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive, double-insulated energy efficient windows installed. Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she has failed to pay for the work done. The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Largo-LaGrande Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Q: whats the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker? A: The rotweiler eventually gives the child back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Largo-LaGrande Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Why are all dumb blonde jokes one lined? so men can understand them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklighter Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Why we have two joke threads, I do not know. *merge* Q. What's the difference between a chicken? A. One of it's legs are both the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HertogJan Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Originally posted by Darklighter Why we have two joke threads, I do not know. *merge* Q. What's the difference between a chicken? A. One of it's legs are both the same. Dude, we have the exact same joke here, only translated of course Doesn't happen that often, most jokes are only found in 1 language Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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