Zygomaticus Posted April 3, 2003 Share Posted April 3, 2003 Read thiseth! 'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256! Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider. "But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck. "The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources." The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs. "If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation. When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession. Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. "It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment." In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS. All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft." However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands." Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002." Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments. Full Link: http://tv.yahoo.com/news/wwn/20030319/104808600007.html It was posted on Mar 19th, so possibly couldn't be April's fools... My opinion is 1) Either it's true, or 2) He got really lucky and just cooked up this story... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavyarms Posted April 3, 2003 Share Posted April 3, 2003 seriously, man, what if he is telling the truth? HOLY S#*$!!!! Might be the most important thing that we ever found... He did get rich, though... hey, he can go through time, and he's rich! what more do you want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted April 3, 2003 Author Share Posted April 3, 2003 Well, he's been arrested now, and if he gets out, they'll probably put him in an assylum! How's he going to get to his machine and get back to safety!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted April 3, 2003 Share Posted April 3, 2003 It's from the Weekly World News....a tabloid...it's fake. The WWN website has a banner proclaiming that debtor's prison is reopening on Alcatraz...come on, it's obviously fake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted April 3, 2003 Author Share Posted April 3, 2003 Originally posted by Darth Homer It's from the Weekly World News....a tabloid...it's fake. The WWN website has a banner proclaiming that debtor's prison is reopening on Alcatraz...come on, it's obviously fake. aaaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
another_trooper Posted April 4, 2003 Share Posted April 4, 2003 800 to 3.4 millions (or somethin like that) ??? ?? suspicious. .. if its true he probably got illegal info Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherack Nhar Posted April 4, 2003 Share Posted April 4, 2003 Even if it was true... gotta love insides Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue Nine Posted April 4, 2003 Share Posted April 4, 2003 Weekly World News? Jesus, that's one of those supermarket tabloids that claims Nostrodamus is God and that the world will be taken over by tiny alien ducks with giant wangs from Mars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted April 4, 2003 Share Posted April 4, 2003 LOL Yeah I read that a few days ago. It's pretty funny. Would have been even better if the showed a picture of his Way-Back machine. *goes back to making his banner, welcoming the tiny alien ducks with giant wangs to Earth* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darthfergie Posted April 4, 2003 Share Posted April 4, 2003 and that they have seen undeniable signs that Jesus is coming back on December 31, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003... It would be interesting...but somehow (even though I am a firm believer in other life out there) I don't think we'll ever really be able to rip through the fabric of time and space as we like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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