Sam Fisher Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 I've decided to have another joke thread, but it can't be overly disgusting. Ok? Here's the first: A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. "Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again. The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife. "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 Eeeeeeeewwwwwwww.............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 A man returned home one night to see that the light was blinking on his answering machine. He checked the message. It was the sheriff. The sheriff said: "Sir, you wife's been in a terrible car accident. She's at the hospital. You'd better come quick." In horror, the man jumps up, gets his keys, and rushes to the hospital. He ran around untill he found the doctor that worked on his wife. "Well," the doctor said "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, she has suffered a lot. She lost one of her legs, she lost her hearing and sight, and her brain is damaged, so she is suffering from amnesia and won't recognise anyone." "WOW! Thats bad! Whats the good news?" The husband asked. "Well, I just saved a bunch of money on my Car Insurance by switching to Geico." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 That is a classic commercial(sp?) ad obi! *************** Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 lol. From Dogpile: The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room. "What's wrong Marge?" she asked. Marge told her that she had "morning sickness." Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant." "I'm not," the hurried young woman replied. "I'm just darn sick of mornings!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 New Rules For Employment SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Your jokes are the best Sam! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 Thanks, here's another one: Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 #1 First Day of School - 2002 It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said. "Very good!" exclaimed the teacher. Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people shat not perish form the earth"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki is new to our country and knows more about its history than you do. She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up, "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997." Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted....... and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in Big trouble!" To which Suzuki replied, "The taliban! 2001!" #2 How much wood would a wood chuck F**k, if a wood chuck could f**k wood? #3 A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?" The Indian answered "Eggs." The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony." Thirteen years later the traveler's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially,"How!" The Indian answered, "Scrambled" #4 Master Welder (February 2003, Australia) I heard this on radio and happened to pass the house the next day. A homeowner was doing some welding on the roof of his house at Port Macquarie in NSW. He had problems with his oxy tanks slipping, so he decided to tack weld them to the roofing iron. That was the last thing he ever did. When I passed the house the next day, there wasn't much left of the roof on that side of the house. #5 (The Best) Jet Assisted Take-Off The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene. The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise. It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields. Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket. The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows: The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners. The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-****." http://www.darwinawards.com (Last two jokes) TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 The first one of yours was great Tie *************** Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Originally posted by SamFisher The first one of yours was great Tie *************** Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!" The last one is the best! *TiE 23 GETS SMITED!!!!* TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 LOL, here's another: **************** This is... intresting:D What another word for a gay farmer? A jolly rancher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 LOL What do you call a woman with one leg? Illean What do you call a man with no legs or arms? Matt or Torso Boy. Yo mama is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb. Yo mama is so dumb, she thought a quarter back was a refund. Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued. Yo mama's fart stinks so bad that George Bush declared it biological warfare. Yo mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end! Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium. Yo mama is like a hockey player she doesn't change her pad for three periods. Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!" Yo mama is like a Big Mac, full of fat and only worth a buck. Yo mama is so stupid, she invented a condom with sweat holes. Yo mama so big, every time her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. Yo mama so bald, her cornrolls look like stitches Your mama so poor, when she went to mcdonalds she had to put a milkshake on layaway. Yo mama so dumb she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side. Yo mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money. Yo mama is so fat, yo daddy is still climbing. Yo mama smells so nasty, she makes speed stick slow down. Yo mama so poor, when she went to the 99 cents store she asked for a discount. Yo mama is so poor, she strips at Chuckie Cheese for tokens. Yo mama so fat, it took 1 train 4cars and 7 buses to get on her good side. Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the internet - she''s already world wide. Yo mama so stupid she couldn't even make up a "yo mama" joke. Yo mama's so fat the only time she sees 90210 -- is on a scale! Yo mama is so fat when she skips a meal, the stock-market drops. Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out. Yo momma is so fat that when she wore high-heels, she struck oil! Yo mama so ugly ,the tide wouldn't even take her out!! Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something like her, I pinned a tail on it. Yo mama is so fat she sells shade in the summer. Yo momma's so stupid...when your daddy said it was chilly outside, your momma went and got a bowl! Yo momma''s so dumb, she took an hour to make minute rice. Yo momma's hair so short she roll it with rice. Yo Momma's so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 Right... ******* Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wassup Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Bush's Brain Scan George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 LMAO! My gosh, I wish I could write jokes like this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki GM Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 most of these arent that funny but then I probably couldnt come up with any funnier ones then what you have been posting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 22, 2003 Author Share Posted October 22, 2003 Here's another one: ********** One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa." She says no again, and tries to fall asleep. The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?" At that number, the blonde agrees. The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500. "Got it," she replies. He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5. Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?" The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 A blonde was flying a helicoptor when it crashed. When the ambulance driver asked her what happened she replied "I got cold so I turned off the fan". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 Oooohhhhh... That was good. ************ One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aryyn Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 Whats the difference between acne & a priest. Acne waits til your 15 to come on your face...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 One day George Bush was visiting England, and he was talking to the Queen. He asks her, "how do you get such intelligent people to work for you?" She replies, "It's really simple, I ask them all a question before I hire them, for example." and she calls Tony Blair over. "Think quick Tony, who is the son of your mother?" Blair replies "why that would be me." "Amazing!" Says Bush. when Bush returns to the States he calls in Colin Powell, and says "Think quick Colin, who is the son of your mother?" Colin doesn't know what to answer, so he asks Bush for some time to think about it. Bush agrees, and Colin goes home and calls Dick Cheney and asks the same question, to which Cheney responds, "that's EASY, it's me!" So Powell goes to Bush and says, "I know the answer, the son of my mother is Dick Cheney!" To which Bush responds, "No!! You IDIOT, it's Tony Blair!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 An old woman walks into the Bank of England with a suitcase-full of money. When she shows it to the young bank clerk and claims she wishes to open an account, he calls the manager over, who asks her into his office. "Now, ma'am. I believe you wish to open an account?" The old woman replies "Yes I do" "How much have you got exactly?" The old woman answers "Exactly £25,000" "How did you acquire this money ma'am?" The old woman explains "I make bets" "What kind of bets may I ask?" The old woman claps her hands: "Well, I bet you that your balls are square." The Bank manager is astonished "Excuse me?! How much is riding on this ridiculous bet?" The old woman makes it clear "I bet £50,000 that your balls are square. I'll return tommorrow with my lawyer and we'll see who's won." Knowing for sure his balls are very round, the Manager shakes on it. "Very well, return here tommorrow at 12 noon with your lawyer and we'll decide." So that evening the manager is bollock-naked in front of a mirror fondling his gonads, just to be extra sure that they're not square in any fashion. After he is 110% sure he goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing he is 50,000 quid up. The next day at noon the old Lady calls into the managers office with her lawyer and asks for the manager to drop his trousers and produce his nuts. "I can see that they're not square, but would you mind if I had a little check?" "Not at all" replies the Manager with a grin. At this point he notices the old womans lawyer is banging his head off the wall. "Whats wrong with your lawyer?" He asks with concern. "Oh. Yesterday I bet him £200,000 that tommorrow I'd have the Bank of England's managers balls in my hand! :D ....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowman21 Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! *gets hit with a tomato* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joetheeskimo Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 That was..interesting, BawBag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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