Joke Thread!

[Sam]

ET Warrior and SamFisher had the best ones imo

 

 

 

I had a good joke....that I posted in the old joke thread.

 

 

 

I forgot it.

[BawBag™]

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

 

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

 

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

 

Damn dudes that sucked.........

[Sam Fisher]

LOL

 

*************

 

 

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

 

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

 

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

[RoxStar]

Funny Stuff, Fisher....

Ok,

Bill: Whats the average American's Atention span?

Joe: I...don't...know.

Bill: Are you still talking about that?

[Sam Fisher]

Hehe...

 

************

 

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

[Joetheeskimo]

Originally posted by -=TheTycooner=-

Joe: I...don't...know.

You don't know what??

[RockerD]

Originally posted by joetheeskimo5

You don't know what??

 

thats part of his joke

[TiE23]

#1 Slaughterhouse Robbery

 

(12 February 2003) Three men wielding knives tried to rob a slaughterhouse. But when it comes to hand to hand combat with sharp blades, butchers working in a slaughterhouse are more than a match for your average thief. They stabbed two of the intruders to death. The third man escaped from the angry butchers and fled in his car.

Police soon spotted him, and after a brief car chase, the would-be thief pulled over and leapt from his vehicle. But instead of fleeing into the underbrush, he tried to dodge heavy traffic and escape across the highway. Perhaps he thought that threatening butchers with knives was not a sufficient demonstration of his intelligence.

 

Within seconds, the natural justice system meted out his punishment in the form of a large truck, which struck and killed him.

 

#2 Workin' at the Car Wash

 

(29 January 2003, Brazil) At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel.

The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.

 

A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away.

 

Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.

 

#3 Speed Shunting

 

(30 September 1996, Finland) In a private rail yard, an engineer and two crewmembers were moving freight cars to their unloading points. Their final task was to dock thirteen loaded timber cars, and a car filled with ammonia. The engineer and one crewmember were in the engine, and the other crewmember was riding on the step board of the ammonia car, holding a handrail for balance. This is common practice, and considered safe, since the maximum speed in shunting work is 5 kph.

However, his next move was anything but safe.

 

The ammonia car needed to be backed to the correct track, and the timber cars were headed a few kilometers further along. Following normal procedure, the train would be halted after the switch and backed to the correct track, where the ammonia car would be uncoupled, and then the rest of the train would continue on. But conditions were slippery, and the track entered a slight grade after the switch. The engineer wasn't sure the yard engine could start moving again with the loaded timber cars, so he decided to leave the ammonia car on the level track *after* the slope.

 

He shared this plan with his crew.

 

The clever crew member riding on the last car realized that the engineer's new plan would increase his workload, so he decided to uncouple the ammonia car while the train was moving -- without informing the others.

 

He moved from the step board to the fender and coupler, which have no real foothold, and uncoupled the car as follows: First, he hung from the ammonia car's handrail and closed its switch valve. Then he hung from the timber car's handrail and closed its switch valve. Next, he disconnected the inter-car brake hose with his foot. Lastly, he disconnected the coupler, uncoupling the cars.

 

After accomplishing this impressive acrobatic feat, the crewmember still had to stop the ammonia car in the right place. He intended to use the brake valve next to his foot. However, when the inter-car brake hose is disconnected, opening the brake valve results in an automatic maximum-strength braking. Although the crewmember should have been aware of this fact, the strength of the braking apparently surprised him. Since he was clinging to the ammonia car with one foot on the fender and one foot on the brake valve, he was not in a position to maintain his balance. He was thrown onto the rail, where the front wheels of the ammonia car ran across his torso, killing him instantly.

 

The car stopped less than five meters away, 150 meters too early, so his timesaving efforts were for naught.

 

#4 I was chatting with a farrier's apprentice (a farrier is a type of blacksmith, a metal worker who shoes horses) whose boss was on a four-week leave of absence, claiming to have pulled a muscle in his leg. His customers complained mightily, as their horses' feet urgently needed attending to, and there was a backlog piling up.

 

My friend -- who shall, like his boss, remain nameless to protect his privacy -- informed me of the REAL reason his boss was off work, a truth that he would not admit to his customers.

 

He was having a romantic weekend with his girlfriend, and had decided to spice up the evening with chocolate body paint. The instructions on the jar say to warm it in the microwave for a few seconds, but he misread the directions and microwaved it on high for two minutes.

 

He then proceeded to pour the VERY hot chocolate onto his privates without realizing until it made contact exactly how hot it was. He suffered rather nasty burns, which gave him a John Wayne walk for a few weeks, and almost certainly put him out of sexual action for longer than that!

 

 

TiE

[Kain]

Some Michigan vs OSU jokes (I'm an OSU fan)

 

Whats the average Michigan player get on his SAT?

Drool

 

Whats the difference between a dead Michigan player in the road and a dead dog in the road?

There are screech marks infront of the dog

 

Whats the difference between frosted flakes and Michigan?

Only one belongs in a Bowl

 

How many Michigan players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3. 2 to screw it in and 1 to call his friend at OSU to learn how

 

On a deserted island with a cannible, a murderer, and a Michigan fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the cannible and murderer then proceed to pistol whip the Michigan player

[TiE23]

Originally posted by Kain

Some Michigan vs OSU jokes (I'm an OSU fan)

 

Whats the average Michigan player get on his SAT?

Drool

 

Whats the difference between a dead Michigan player in the road and a dead dog in the road?

There are screech marks infront of the dog

 

Whats the difference between frosted flakes and Michigan?

Only one belongs in a Bowl

 

How many Michigan players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3. 2 to screw it in and 1 to call his friend at OSU to learn how

 

On a deserted island with a cannible, a murderer, and a Michigan fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the cannible and murderer then proceed to pistol whip the Michigan player

 

ROFL ROFL

 

OSU vs Michigan?

More like UCLA vs USC GO UCLA!!!

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

Hehhe...

 

***************

 

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in Florida.

After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make a person happy?"

 

Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the airplane and make two people happy?"

 

George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what I''''ll do! I''''ll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five people happy!"

 

The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don''''t you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole world happy?!"

[BawBag™]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent

for.

 

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said

"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

 

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it

ain't Paddy".

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll

him over".

 

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't Paddy".

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a**eholes."

 

What, he had two a**eholes???" said the mortician.

 

Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say,

"Here comes Paddy with them two a**eholes...."

[Kylilin]

q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

 

a: The Taste!!

[Jared]

uh...excuse me.

 

*runs off the bathroom and vomits*

[Joetheeskimo]

Ahem...

 

Originally posted by SamFisher

I've decided to have another joke thread, but it can't be overly disgusting. Ok?

[Sam Fisher]

Ok, Kylilin. That was over the line. Please keep this thread clean so it doesn't get locked. Please remove/edit your post. Thanks

 

 

 

************

 

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

 

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

 

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

 

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

[Jared]

lol......^^

[Sam Fisher]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

 

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

 

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

 

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

 

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

 

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

 

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

 

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

 

The husband and wife agreed.

 

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

 

To which she responded, "Three years."

 

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

 

To which she replied, "31 years old"

 

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[Sam Fisher]

 

*****************

 

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest.

The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was.“That'd be $2.50,” said the clerk. “Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the 'Gentle'?” “That one's $2,” answered the clerk. “Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything cheaper?” “Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.” “What generic mean?” asked the Indian. “It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only 50 cents.” “Me take that,” said the Indian.

The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me have name for generic toilet paper.” “Oh,” says the clerk, “what's the name?” “Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”

[TiE23]

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

 

A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

 

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.

 

2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.

 

3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.

 

4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

 

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

 

 

This is very gross, not a spoiler, wanted to kinda censor it...

 

Lightning Date

 

A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was hoping to score with his date on a Friday night. To put the woman in the mood, he drove her to a lonesome spot on Mount Lemmon, which overlooks the city of Tucson, Arizona. They walked to an open knoll and admired the city lights.

Overcome by the romantic locale, the lissome lass succumbed to his pleas. Soon they tossed their clothes off, made a bed of their garments, and began to make love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead mingled with the low rumble of thunder inside them. The excited lovers never looked up to see the charred remains of trees on the knoll.

 

Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity that night. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance straight down. Incredibly, he survived, albeit in excruciating pain.

 

The heat of the bolt had fused together flesh and latex so that the two lovers were now stuck together. The woman unfortunately did not survive the lightning strike. When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her. When he found that he couldn't, a wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth.

 

Heaving only caused more pain and illness. Finally he passed out. Attracted by the smell, a bear found its way to the lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student roused from his exhaustion. When he saw the bear, he realized that there was nothing he could do but lay silently in fear.

 

To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl; loudly crunching her facial bones inches from his ear. The bear also sampled the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.

At 11:35AM, a group of camping girl scouts arrived at the lover's tryst, where the pre-med student's car was parked. Minutes later, three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl several meters towards the road.

 

Doctors managed to separate the student from the corpse.

 

According to a hospital source, his penis resembled "a small piece of cauliflower" in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain that the student was unable and unwilling to achieve an erection. It is doubtful that it will ever again function in a procreatory sense.

 

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

Ummm..... ow?

 

**************

 

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

 

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

 

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

 

 

BTW, Chase, no it doesn't.

[RoxStar]

That last one isn't really funny, its just kinda sad.

[Sam Fisher]

Ok, here's another:

 

*************

 

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

 

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

 

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

 

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

 

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

 

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

 

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

 

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

 

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

 

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

 

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

 

And it is so.

[TiE23]

Oh, there is a science behind jokes... read this --->

LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

 

In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

 

The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

 

And here it is... ------->

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

 

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

 

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

 

As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

 

People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

 

One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke. (Full story)

 

People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

 

Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

 

Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

 

Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

 

"Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

 

"Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

 

"The hunters joke contained all three elements."

 

Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

 

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

 

 

 

 

 

LOL

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

Um.... Haha?

 

 

***********

 

How to Write a College Paper

 

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

13. Listen to the other side.

14. Check your email.

15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.

17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.

19. Check your email.

20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:

a) Pro Bowlers Tour

b) any movie starring Don Ameche

21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.

22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

23. Check your email.

24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.

25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.

26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.

28. Check your email.

29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

33. Check your email.

34. Leap up and write the paper.

35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.

36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.