roytordes'babe Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Let's have a good laugh, tell us your jokes, here is a one of mine. Give Me A Double So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers." The bartender obliges him. The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers." So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers. So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?" So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi-Monkey Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 The Seven Dwarves Meet the Pope =============================== The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare. Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!" What will you do? ================= You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on you left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than you car. A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop? Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave your seat for someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children. Why Lie? ======== One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roytordes'babe Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 Those joke's had me laughing so much I now have a stitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshi Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Got Any Grapes? A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartender says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?'' Consumption of alcohol Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. Lake full of beer Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry. "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shivermetimbers Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Ok, so a joke with a PIRATY theme. A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and notices he looks a little, well, odd. The pirate orders a grog and is sitting there drinking it. The bartened realizes what it is that looked so odd, and says, "ok, I just have to ask. Do you know that you have a steering wheel attached to your penis?" The pirate sighs and says, "Arrr, it drives me nuts" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alia Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 That was so out of Yufster's info. Teeheehee. Nice ones, everyone. I have none because I am the most painfully unfunny person ever, and even if I tried to type a joke out, it would fall as flat as the ones I tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shivermetimbers Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Bull. My friend Dave told it to me in English class. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshi Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 that wasn't a pirate joke, that was just a normal bar joke and you replaced the guy with a pirate and gave him an Arrr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shivermetimbers Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Of course it was. Who would say "It drives me nuts" as opposed to, "it drives my nuts and annoys me"? Only a pirate. Me is used as a first person possesive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reaper Girl Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 even me english teacher would agree. This one's dumb, but look-I made it up all by myself! Death in Depression Death walks into a bar and orders a burbon, a shocth, and one beer. The bartender sees that he is very, very sad. "Whats up?" the bar tender askes Deathy. "Girl problems." Death mutters darkly. "Aww...what? You can't get 'em?" "No...thats not the problem." "Then what?" Death suddenly starts banging his head on the bar top. "EVERYONE I TOUCH DIES!" "So?" "I NEVER GET ANY..." no? okay..."the s is for sucks" here's a dumb one.But its classic. A red head, a brunette, and a blonde are running from the police. They break into a barn, and hide in some potato sacks. Just then, the police break in. They poke to redhead's potato sack. She says "Squeak!Squeak!" The police say "Oh, there's mice in the bag." They do the same to the brunett's potato sack, and she says "MeeeoW!Hisss!" They police say "Oh, there's a cat in the bag." They do the same to the blond's bag. She says "Potato! Potato!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrMcCoy Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 some one-liners: a.i. hackers do it with robots. assassins do it from behind. communists do it without class. computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. distributed systems people do it loosely coupled. doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. evangelists do it with him watching. gardeners do it in raised beds. hackers do it bottom-up. hackers do it with all sorts of characters. hackers do it with bugs. hackers do it with fewer instructions. kamikazes do it once. lawyers do it to everyone. lisp hackers do it in CARS. lisp hackers do it with tail recursion. lisp hackers first do it in the front, then do it in the back. lisp hackers have DEFUN while doing it. lisp hackers have to be bound to do it. lisp hackers have Moby dicks. lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. mathematicians do it in groups. mathematicians do it in theory. mathematicians take it to the limit. mathematicians do it in theory. mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. painters do it with even strokes. physicists do it with charm. politicians do it to everyone. printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. procrastinators do it tomorrow. programmers do it bit by bit. programmers do it until it goes down. rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. runners do it alone. statisticians do it with 95% confidence. systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. unix programmers do it with pipes. writers do it between periods. test makers do it: A: sometimes B: always C: never D: none of the above. mmm... i'm glad i've got fortunes-off installed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Jones Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 a horse walks into a bar. the bartender asks: "why the long face?". ehehehe. ehehe. he. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alien426 Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Originally posted by Joshi Got Any Grapes? It's been done in a commercial other cool commercials by Wild Brain:Carling Black Label / Cajun MTV / Rocky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roytordes'babe Posted November 12, 2003 Author Share Posted November 12, 2003 Here is a few more jokes for you all. Fish Market One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" Three Words That Describe Britney Spears My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic. Ancient Chinese Torture A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ernil Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 A teacher gave his fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, Sir, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Governor Phatt Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 What sort of cheese isnt yours? Nacho Cheese ! ahahaha geddit, nacho... it...sound like, not your...aha...heh... *runs away* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rufio Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Hunting in the forest is an athiest. While urinating, he hears a rustling in the background and turns to see what it is. From out of the trees comes a grizzly bear and the man starts to run. As he is running, with the bear close at his heels, he begins to tire out. The bear catches up to him, knocks him down and puts one paw on his chest. Just as the bear is about to tear out the mans throat with his other claw, the man cries out, "God, please help me!" Everything stands still, the trees are quiet, the bear frozen in place. God speaks to the man. "Though you have speant your entire life rediculing me, making jokes, and narrily disavowing my existance, I am at your service. What is it that you ask of me?" The man replies, "Well, it would be hypocritical for me to ask you to make me a christian so that the bear won't kill me, so could you make the bear a christian?" "It is done," replies God. Just then everything returns to normal and the bear takes his paw off of the man, and brings it up next to his other paw and says, "Dear God, thank you for this food." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 i received this in an e-mail and thought it was pretty funny... ____________________________________________ Can anyone help me with this IT problem? 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any operating errors I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Jones Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 i just had to wet my pants, eyh.. :D:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roytordes'babe Posted November 13, 2003 Author Share Posted November 13, 2003 I hope you cleaned yourself up Ray, I don't want your bodily fluids all over my thread....he he he... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.