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The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

ChAiNz.2da

By ChAiNz.2da
in Ahto Spaceport Cantina

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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:lol: :lol: It's so true, it's hilarious!

 

Here's some pics so the "Yankees" can appreciate our troubles (worksafe) ;)

and NO, I'm not related to anyone in pics #1, #5, #6 (thank goodness) ;)

 

Are you sure you didn't sneak down to Florida for some of those pics? I was born and raised redneck out west

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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Things to waste your valuable brain cells on

  • In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
    Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
     
  • Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
     
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
     
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
     
  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
     
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
     
  • It is impossible to lick your elbow.
     
  • The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
     
  • The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
    - The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
     
  • The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
     
  • The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
     
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
     
  • The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
     
  • The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
     
  • Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
     
    - Spades - King David
    - Hearts - Charlemagne
    - Clubs - Alexander, the Great
    - Diamonds - Julius Caesar
     
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
     
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
     
  • Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
     
  • Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
     
  • Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
     
  • Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
    A. One thousand
     
  • Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
    A. All invented by women.
     
  • Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
     
  • Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day
     
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
     
  • It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . Which we know today as the "honeymoon".
     
  • In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
    It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
     
  • Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~

 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow :D

 

 

Chainz, dear, my thirteen year old daughter already tries to lick her elbow

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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What's even better, I'm doing this at work :eek: (shhhhh)... ;)

 

SO, here's some more for ya'.. hehehe...

 

----------

 

Why Women Think Men Are Immature

 

----------

 

Deciphering "Performance Appraisal" Meanings

  • Great Presentation Skills = Able to bull@#!*
     
  • Good Communication Skills = Spends lots of time on phone
     
  • Average Employee = Not too bright
     
  • Exceptionally Well Qualified = Made no major blunders yet
     
  • Work Is First Priority = Too ugly to get a date
     
  • Active Socially = Drinks a lot
     
  • Family Is Active Socially = Spouse drinks, too
     
  • Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does
     
  • Quick Thinking = Offers plausible excuses
     
  • Careful Thinker = Won't make a decision
     
  • Aggressive = Obnoxious
     
  • Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs = Gets someone else to do it
     
  • Meticulous Attention To Detail = A nit picker
     
  • Has Leadership Qualities = Is tall or has a loud voice
     
  • Exceptionally Good Judgment = Lucky
     
  • Keen Sense Of Humor = Knows a lot of dirty jokes
     
  • Career Minded = Back Stabber
     
  • Loyal = Can't get a job anywhere else

----------

 

ENJOY! :D

 

 

I don't have to read it or see the pics, I know first hand that men are immature

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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You got most of the points, but I found a few you missed.

 

You're not a target of lust.

You don't have to smear cream over your face. (Makeup.)

~snip~

There's no need to tear the hair out of your legs with hot pieces of wax.

You don't have to worry about fashion.

You're (usually) physically stronger.

You're not expected to wear revealing outfits.

You only a haircut once every few months.

You only need one type of shampoo.

The other gender has to wear the more uncomftorable clothing and shoes.

Saying "How sad." is considered deep sympathy.

 

while perhaps true, let's try to keep it "light".

 

 

 

 

That's a particularly 'dark' subject - ChAiNz.2da

 

 

 

 

Actually I don't worry about any of those things.

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RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

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Me, I use tk102's KeyTweak to invert the 0 with the o and the i with the 1 on my secretary's keyboard when she is away from her desk :dev11: ...and contrary to the peanuts, you don't have to clean the mess afterwards...

 

 

I'd do one better Reverse the mouse buttons so the right click is now the left click :dev11:

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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Great one ChainZ! Here's another....

 

One morning, a priest thought the world was coming to an end. It seemed that there must be a line a mile long for the confessional because people were coming non-stop for hours. After lunch time had come and gone, the priest was beat and had to have a break. He opened the door on his side of the box and grabbed the first parishioner he saw and pulled him to the side. He said, "My son, I have to have a break! Can you sit in there and take confession for a little while so I can get something to eat?" The parishioner was quite stunned! "But Father, I don't know the slightest thing about what to do." The priest simply told him to listen to each person and if their sin was something short of adultery, tell them to say up to 50 Hail Marys. For adultery, give them between 50-100. So the parishioner agreed.

 

The first person to enter confession said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I thought about committing adultery with this woman." The parishioner thought to himself well, he just considered it and didn't act upon it "Say 25 Hail Marys and be on your way." The man said, "It isn't that simple Father. I went ahead and committed adultery with this woman." The parishioner said, "Say 100 Hail Marys and be on your way." To which the man replied, "It isn't that easy Father, I also committed sodomy with this woman!" Now this caused the parishioner to panic! Father didn't say anything about sodomy! In his panic he opened the door and grabbed the first alter boy he saw and asked, "QUICK, tell me what the priest gives for sodomy!" The little boy replied in an innocent voice, "Milk and cookies."

 

 

You a bad one

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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here is an intresting fact that I found funny

 

Caffeine is on the International Olympic Committee list of prohibited substances. Athletes who test positive for more than 12 micrograms of caffeine per milliliter of urine may be banned from the Olympic Games. This level may be reached after drinking about 5 cups of coffee

That would knock me out of the Olympics as well

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JediRevan Newbie

JediRevan

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Ha Ha Ha Ha. Nice job with with that Star Trek meets Microsoft story.

 

Now let's make more fun out of Star Wars and Star Trek:

 

For Star Wars:

 

Star Wars Vs. Titanic

"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic" (really I think that one reason is enough, but what the hell)

 

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

 

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

 

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

 

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

 

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

 

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

 

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

 

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

 

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

 

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

 

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

 

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

 

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

 

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

 

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

 

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

 

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

 

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

 

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

 

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

 

21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

 

Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet.

 

 

For Star Trek:

 

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

 

1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"

2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft

3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge

4. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead

5. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms

6. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there

7. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"

8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

9. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"

10. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

 

 

Those put me in tears from laughter.

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Hallucination Newbie

Hallucination

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Canadian humour, read at you own risk.

 

Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

 

Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

 

Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

 

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."

 

Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...

 

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of

bird flu.

 

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical

treatment immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's windshield.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.

2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.

3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

5. Weed

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

1. Big rock between you and B.C.

2. Ottawa who?

3. Tax is 7% instead of approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.

4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.

6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

 

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

1. You never run out of wheat.

2. Your province is really easy to draw.

3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.

4. People will assume you live on a farm.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have beachfront property.

2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.

3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.

4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.

2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.

3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.

4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

1. Racism is socially acceptable

2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.

3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.

4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%!"

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.

2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.

3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick

4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.

2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.

3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.

3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.

4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."

5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.

6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

 

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.

2. If you do something stupid, you have a build-in excuse.

3. The workday is about two hours long.

4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding

 

No offence to other Canadians here.

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