Best quotes from anywhere and anyone

[TiE23]

"My lucky number is 4,000,000,000... That doesn't come in handy when gambling. 'Come on four billion! .... f*ck, 7! .... Not even close..... I need some more dice.... Hmm, 4 billion divided by 6..... atleast...' "

 

"I like to play Blackjack, Im not addicted to gambling, Im addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

 

"I once saw a kid in a park flying a kite... He was so excited it was in the sky, I don't know why: thats what its supposed to do.

Now if he had a chair one the other end of that string, I would've known... Imagine trying to fly a chair, you'd have to run like a mother-f*cker."

 

"I got my hair highlighted cause I thought some other strands were more important than others."

 

"If you had a tight-rope-walker for a friend, and he fell on a sidewalk... that would be totally unacceptable."

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

TiE

[jokemaster]

Stranger: You know what the fist said to the face?

*punches guy*

Stranger: Now when I come down there the barge'd better be runnin'. Or I'll have to tell you another joke.

 

Ed Harken: [on the phone] Well, really, I don't know where he would get his hands on German pornography... but really, as adults, its not like we haven't seen our share of pornography in... Oh you haven't? Well, neither have I, I was just speaking in generalities... listen, I have to go, we'll talk about this later, Sister Margaret.

 

Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put the gun down, and let the marching band go! We'll try to pull it off as a prank.

 

Chris Rock: I took the AIDS test... passed it... with a 65! Now, the scary thing about the AIDS test is that when you take it, you don't get the results back for FIIIVVEE days, and in those five days you start reflectin'. You start reflectin' on every single piece of dirty, disgusting little sex you've ever had! Oh my God, 1993, what the **** was I thinkin'? Then, you start callin' people up to see if they still alive!

[impersonating a telephone call]

Chris Rock: Yeah, hello, is Stacy there? "This is Stacy." CLICK! Hello, is Tammy there? "Oh, Tammy dead." Well, what happened? "... she got hit by a bus." OH, THANK THE LORD!

 

 

Chris Rock: What does daddy get for his hard work? The big piece of chicken at dinner! My mamma would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident!

[Pretending to be his mamma]

Chris Rock: What the... you ate the big piece of chicken! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a porkchop, daddy won't know the difference!

 

Verbal Kint: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist.

 

Verbal Kint: And like that........he's gone.

 

Chris Rock: You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? Bullet control. I think all bullets should cost $5000. You know why? If a bullet cost $5000 there'd be no more innocent bystanders. Or if someone has a score to settle, being like, "You know what, I would ****ing put a cap in your ass... if I could *afford* it! I'm gonna save up some money, maybe get a second job or something, then you a mother****in' dead man!"

 

Verbal: Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is **** but, hey, I'm in a police station.

 

Verbal: Where's your head, Agent Kujan? Where do you think the pressure's coming from? Keyser Soze - or whatever you want to call him - knows where I am right now. He's got the front burner under' your ass to let me go so he can scoop me up ten minutes later. Immunity was just to deal with you assholes. I got a whole new problem when I post bail.

Dave Kujan: So why play into his hands? We can protect you.

Verbal: Gee, thanks, Dave. Bang-up job so far. Extortion, coercion. You'll pardon me if I ask you to kiss my pucker. The same ****ers that rounded us up and sank us into this mess are telling me They'll bail me out? **** you. You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting fingered and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything, it will be to get rid of me. After that, my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

 

Hockney: Old McDonald had a farm ee i ee i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom.

 

Cop: What are you saying?

Fenster: I said he'll flip you.

Cop: He'll what?

Fenster: Flip you. Flip ya for real.

 

Verbal: To a cop the explanation's always simple. There's no mystery to the street, no arch criminal behind it all. If you find a body and you think his brother did it, you're gonna find out you're right.

 

Verbal: Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

 

Verbal: Big fat guy, I mean like orca fat.

 

Verbal: Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

 

[Counting victims as he snipes at them]

McManus: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Oswald was a fag.

 

Verbal: How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?

 

Verbal: He lets the last Hungarian go, and he goes running. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they grew up in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "If you rat on your pop, Keyser Soze will get you." And nobody really ever believes.

 

Fenster: You do some time, they never let you go. You know. They treat you like a criminal. *I'm* not a criminal.

Hockney: You *are* a criminal.

Fenster: Now why'd you got to go and do that? (I'm) trying to make a point.

 

Verbal: Can I have some coffee?

Dave Kujan: Maybe later.

Verbal: I'm really thirsty. When I was a kid I used to dehydrate, and my piss came out like snot. I mean, it was all thick and gross.

 

Jack Baer, FBI: They tell me you got the cripple from New York in there. He mention Keyser Soze?

Dave Kujan: Who?

Jack Baer, FBI: Bear with me here...

Dave Kujan: [Kujan bursts into Rabins office] Who's Keyser Soze?

Verbal: Ohhh ****!

 

[they are in court]

Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.

[bangs Gavel]

Lois: Oh no!

Brian: Oh no!

Chris: Oh no!

Meg: Oh no!

[Kool Aid Man busts through wall]

Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!

[all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]

 

 

Now whoever guesses wher EACH AND EVERYONE of these come from get a free random picture

[Rogue15]

i remember the kool-aid one, i about pissed myself.

[Tyrion]

Speaking of Chris Rock, there's one thing he said that just made me truly laugh out loud:

 

"Men only need three things: Food, Sex, Silence. So women, all we want you to do is feed us, f*ck us, and shut the f*ck up!"

 

[IG-64]

"If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?" - Vince Lombardi

[toms]

Nada: I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

 

Virgil: Look, he's operating on his own. He's cut off from his chain of command. He's showing signs of pressure-induced psychosis, and he's got a nuclear weapon. So as a personal favor to me, will you try to put your tongue in neutral for a while?

[Mike Windu]

"F**k yo' couch ****** F**k yo' couch!" ~ Chappelle Show

 

[BongoBob]

Can we just have the random picture jokemaster, pleeeeease

 

Scorch: "If we blow up those rocks we'll have a clear path around. And I'm not just saying that because I like to watch things blow up."

Sev: "Yes you are"

-SW:Republic Commando

 

"I will be grossly overpaid for something I'll do for free" - Chick from Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction commercial