Daft Adidas Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. I will try and work on the things you have mentioned to my best ability. My latest chapters does not describe the new character, as Im trying to leave it some mystery. The next chapter will reveal all. Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff. Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything. Adidas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 3, 2007 Author Share Posted December 3, 2007 Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff. Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything. Adidas As an example DA, assuming somekind of space travel is possible, you have the original pilot of Star Trek, where the 'odd element' is the Talosians. Or Star War with 'jedi powers'. But as you go on you build on it. lots of weird and impossible things are acceptable; if the items I had mentioned were done spread out through the book, it would not have struck me as I mentioned. As for the speed of the ship that is mere physics. the larger the item, the harder it is to accelerate. As for the dialogue, I tend to use the trick my mother taught me of vocalizing it from both sides. It is weird, but it makes the dialogue flow better. And it is a lot of fun on a crowded bus. You get more room to spread out very easily... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 7, 2007 Author Share Posted December 7, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Unknown World Salzella The Rakata Home world during KOTOR: The last thoughts before entering the temple are dark… You left out the word ‘were’ in ‘like they green, leafy doppelgangers of real vegetation’. ‘Memories if his life’ should be ‘of’, and fatalist should be fatalistic. There are others, but I leave it to you to find them correct them, and I will edit them. The work is nice and dark, with a lot of recriminations for everyone involved in the main character’s thoughts including himself. Grey Uilleand After KOTOR: Atton sinks deeper into depression. This piece is exceptionally dark. Having looked at the character of Atton in the game, I found that I could understand him much more readily than anyone else, and that understanding allowed some forgiveness of his attitudes. Bird in a Cage (title indefinite) KotO[Revan] Indeterminate in both time and genre: In a storm, one girl has a frightening experience. The primary problem is characterization. We know we have one of each sex, but age, description beyond the boy’s attitude is almost nonexistent. This is a complaint only because the piece is so short; it is what comes through most. The basic ‘mysterious voice from the dark’ is always a good ploy if you can use it. If you want votes, I’d say write more of this. The Tale of the Untold Heroes of Dxun Arcesious Battle of Dxun, PreKOTOR: A team lands on their mission. The word is Guerilla, not gorilla. The style is a bit dry, but that can be fixed by editing and polishing. Mandalorian is a proper name (Nation) like German. So it is always capitalized. Technical notes: First, Dxun was the first battle led or commanded by the Jedi. The war had been raging for almost five years by that time. The government having to buy weapons from pirates makes no sense. It took the Germans during WWII less than six months to design, and then mass produce a variation of the British Sten submachine gun. You spend more time tooling up than you do in actual production but once the tooling up is done the weapons pour out in a flood. If you had said the Special Operations had bought the weapons, it would have made sense. Every Special Operations team tends to pick up weapons that are not strictly issue. Second the military almost always has their own design constraints, and slapping other equipment onto a stock shuttle is only an interim solution, something you do only until the supplies begin getting to the front. Within two years of the landings at Guadalcanal, where they had only a few ramp style landing craft, they went to six different designs of landing craft and even amphibious vehicles used for every landing from Tarawa on. 3rd: while thermal plating stabilizers (I envisioned super cooling coils that would stop the metal from burning away) makes sense, armor plating is a part of the structure even if it is added on, not something you have to activate. 4th: An assault landing is one of the most dangerous operations still practiced. The enemy knows you must put your troops on the ground, they know how you have to maneuver and operate to land safely; they also know where to place weapons to stop you. Landing five of that dozen ships I think would have been better than expected, hiding them almost impossible. 5th: Special operations troops are all highly trained. But if you send 12 shuttles, and assume two squads in each (120 men) you would not expect them to overwhelm a force in a defended position. Last, every action they fought assumed the Mandalorians were too stupid to put out guards whether eating or sleeping. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Grasping at Straws: The Story of an Imperial Loyalist Raganork8 During period directly after ROTS: A politician keeps trying to maintain. The work needed editing, but as anyone will tell you, I tell almost everyone I critique the same thing. There is some cumbersome word usage, but that is again something editing would correct. It is phased (Changed) not fazed (confused) and preserve not reserve when speaking of peace. It is an interesting piece, covering an interesting period of history in the Star Wars universe. Though all of the senators being in uniformed and armed was a bit too much to accept. Technical note: While I accept that the Y wing fighter would have been in service at the time mentioned it would have been a relatively new aircraft. The author of Raiders of the Lost Ark irritated me for the same reason, labeling the DC3 which only entered service in 1932 as ‘venerable’ in 1936. Also getting one from off planet or flying it in on an attack run does not make sense. First, it would be like flying an F15 Eagle from England to Washington with no attempt at stealth. The defenses of Coruscant have been discussed in depth in the EU, and such an attack would be suicide long before you actually laid fire on the capital. Now if you had suggested that it had come from a nearby base instead, it would have been completely acceptable. Lightsaber JedimasterElizabeth On Earth: A boy tries to make a real light saber, but there are more problems then that in his future. The style is stilted, and word usage is a bit off. Both things I tend to do when the ideas are flowing. Don’t worry; it’s an editing problem. The dialogue is a bit stilted as well, and while it may sound crazy, the way I deal with that is to talk the dialogue out. You can hear where it doesn’t flow, as you might not when seeing it. It came to my attention after I had written this review that JedimasterElizabeth Is Malaysian. I understand the problems with dealing with another entire language so I promise I will remember this in the future. Technical note; the grip of a sword is called a pommel, not a stick. Canon Note: George Lucas starts every movie with ‘a long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away’. Using modern Earth in this sort of defeats the purpose. I have been trying to get into Lucasforums where I posted an article concerning this, and explained a way around it. When the site comes back up later today (I hope) please go to that site, and see what I mean. But the idea that a young man here would not only try to make a lightsaber, but also make the same mistake is an interesting view. Keep it up. kotorfanmedia There's Beauty in the Breakdown Chapter 1: "Bring Me All Your Huddled Masses" Haleyfalkonasi The arrival on Taris; No mission ever goes smoothly… Everything I saw negative were editing problems, meaning just reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. But I say that to everybody. The style is a bit bland, but you’re keeping the people interested, which is the important thing. It's That Damn Onasi Charm... FrackinAmazinGirl In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: To end an argument sometimes you just have to lock them in the closet… There are obvious flaws, like the hair, and hairpins. But at the same time as others said, all you really did was take the bit in your teeth and run with it. All of the fumbling around in the closet had me snickering, and the end is purely choice. The first pick of the week. Love and the Pathfinder Benna Kioba The return from the Outer Regions: Told in flashbacks that cover all of KOTOR The piece as one commentator said, had an organic feel to it. I agree that the quotation marks should have been there, something to differentiate when someone was talking. But the story itself, memory, coma, all mixed made it a very good piece. A pick of the week. At this point I have finished the LS Female Revan category except when a new story shows up there. I now turn as promised to the Dark side male… Once Upon a Time Sebastian DeLaOsa Interim to KOTOR: Orders are meant to be obeyed… The piece has minor editing problems. But I loved it. Revan as the bad guy but with reason behind his darkness. Very well done. A pick of the week. Insanity of Revan -Chapter 1-On the Way To Coruscant Hitokiri Akins After the Star Forge: Revan slips back into the darkness Some editing problems, but when I have I ever failed to say that. Ask me some time about a book I wrote called Mirror of My love where I edited four times while beta readers were still dealing with version one. The basis is good, the idea not too shabby. The only real negative I saw was as BigVeric commented that you told Canderous twice. Aftermath: The Beginning Tarin The Battle of the Star Forge: The Dark lord has returned, and he is making his presence felt… The style is good, the dialogue well done, the scene eminently practical. The only jarring note, is I thought that the Rule of Two had begun with Lord Bane three millennia later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 14, 2007 Author Share Posted December 14, 2007 14 Dec 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Vtoraya Popytka (Second Chance) Tysyacha After TSL: Everyone deserves a second chance, but are you willing to pay the price for it? The story needs editing, but hey, has anyone who comes before my pen escaped that? It flows well, with only a few eddies such as overclocked, which just caused me to hit a speed bump. Not complaining, after consideration it made sense. The idea was intriguing. Like Tys I was frustrated that I couldn’t redeem the character. Maybe my version where she jumps to her own death was because I was unwilling to go where Tys will. Ho, Ho, Hanharr! Tysyacha No specific timing: Hanharr as Santa? I usually lambaste people when they do holiday stuff. But I can’t, it’s just too silly. Having seen what mall Santa’s go through however, I just pictured this happening, and began to chuckle. Having the punk clean up the mess was a perfect scene and being called the best Santa choice. The first Pick of the week. Light side Female Revan: Stolen - part 1 Approx four years after KOTOR: Revan and her family return to the temple. The work needs some editing, some word usage mainly (Faced instead of face). All in all a good work though short. Kirabaros made excellent comments mirroring what I would have said, so I will not repeat it. Please, continue. Dark side Male Revan: Love's Final Redemption Part 1 RogueLadySabyne Third alternate ending of KOTOR: The collapse of a dream. Like her previous work this is a thought-provoking piece. The biggest problem I had in my own work in this genre was how to reconcile love when you were on opposite sides. I played the game both dark and light side and this had been the same turning point for my dark side character. A pick of the week. Shadow's Kiss Chapter 1: Fallen Passion DJ End of KOTOR: The real reason Darth Revan fell the second time. There are stories you just have to read, and this as far as I am concerned is one of them. Another author who makes me wish I had the time to read everything…. Another pick of the week. As an aside; When I first started doing these back in October of 2005, I just posted them on SWK and Lucasforums. After a while I suddenly realized that I had failed to let the writer’s themselves know that I had. There is some excellent work I commented on that never got the chance to get a pick of the week, or pick of the best. So every time I find a writer that I have slighted in this manner, I will repost that original review with the hyperlinks I use now, to make up for it. First is; Of Droids and meatbags- The Tale of HK47. Yano Upav Pre KOTOR: The story of Revan’s ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid. Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The ‘death and destruction’ view of HK works well in the fleet action, which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more. Was expanded into three listed so far. By all means go back and look at this gem. Reprise Pick of the week. The Code Rift After KOTOR: A young Sith learns how to use the code for her own benefit; and how Revan is using it. I sat for five minutes after reading this. I honestly didn’t know what to say or think. It was like waking up in the morning, those first moments where you aren’t really sure of where you are or why. Rift caught me, dragged me in, and made me not only care about the characters created, but made the changes in the other main KOTOR characters fit the mold and did it well. I can’t say enough good things about this. A pick of the week. Captivated Tinuviel Undomiel PreKOTOR AU: With the attempt to capture Revan a failure, Bastila is now a prisoner. I had just finished Rift’s work above and pretty much expected that nothing else could be as good. Boy was I wrong. The Alternate Universe version stunned me with the writer’s depth. As much as Bastila claims she will never give in, I wonder… A pick of the week. An Inevitable Causality Faltallon 20 years after KOTOR: A final inevitable confrontation. The story is well done, events sketched in to subtly set the scene. The denouement was excellent, and like the other reviewers, I’d like to see more of this author’s work. A pick of the week. Oversight Ulicus PreKOTOR: Revan sets a trap for the Jedi… The set up is good, the story well done. The background into the plans follows a well designed path. A pick of the week. Some Kind of Chaos: Part 1 Darth Searus No specific era given: A worrisome student enters the order. The story is well written. The primary problem I have is with cross breeding three different alien species, but that’s just a personal foible. The Dark Lord Dark Lord Shady KOTOR after Star Forge: Revan is willing to bring Bastila in on his secret. A well done if Generic ending with a surprise twist. Please, continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 21, 2007 Author Share Posted December 21, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Path to Exile, Chapter1 Mithran Star PreKOTOR: What caused the Exile to go to war? The only negative I have about this piece is it is very short. The background could have been laid out in more detail, but it’s good so far. Destiny's Shadow: Prologue Fongiel PreKOTOR: Aboard Revan’s flagship, two old friends must decide what they will do… Last week I had one of those ‘god where has this kid been hiding’ epiphanies when I read Rift’s ‘The Code’. Nice to start off this week by being hit right between the eyes with one of them this week. The style is well done, well portrayed, and the background fleshed out. Another of those I don’t have time to read all the way through blast it! The first pick of this new week. Remnants, Prologue Torch The Unnamed Planet: Zaalbar reflects on his downfall. In the dark side ending, there is one point where you are definitely going to kill Mission. But you get more ‘bad guy’ points if you make Zaalbar do it. It was one of the scenes that bothered me most in the game, primarily because I would hope a person would not stoop low enough to use honor to order someone to violate their nature. I trhink that is why this story hit me so hard. I can feel Zaalbar’s pain, and know that nothing he does will ever let him atone in his own mind. A pick of the week. Who We Were Revans Pet Duck After Malachor V: The Exile feels his loss. Some word usage problems, ‘in’ instead of ‘into’, ‘you’ instead of ‘you’re’. An editing problem more than anything else. The story is interesting, and the situation a stock battle. Worth a glance. The Fall of Malak. Slave 1 PreKOTOR: The voice of reason, from the last person you would expect… This was a stunning tour de force. The character we hate so much suddenly becoming not only the voice of reason but the defender of the Republic. Excellent work! A pick of the week. Ancient Shadows SithLord117 Post TSL: The exile meets Revan in the Unknown Region. The piece is short, the end well considered and formulated. Well worth a look. Darkness Overwhelming, Part I Gaius Andronicus Specific period within KOTOR not given: Revan finds his feet on the path to darkness. A good first part, albeit short, enough to make you want to read more. The only problem I had was is it Revan at the Star Forge, or out in the Unknown Regions, or within his own mind… Chapter 1 – Eye Witness HeFe End of KOTOR: As the Dark Lord gives his first speech, another ‘old friend’ plots revenge. The piece is too short to get a good grip on the style, but the piece is only chapter one. So if you get the chance… Too Close a Shave DarthPhilWelch Pre KOTOR: An explanation of an injury… This was short and cute in it’s own way. They have a story challenge over at Lucasforums right now that is based on this. I would have voted for this one if it had been posted. Confrontation, Both New and Old JediMaster09 PreKOTOR: Why did Revan fall? Some word usage problems, and cumbersome sentences but that is primarily a polishing problem. The story itself was great. The basic premise very intriguing and thought provoking. Well worth the read. Dark Galaxies (Chapter One) ArchonDemetrus PostKOTOR: In a galaxy controlled by the Sith, something hunts the darkness. The story is nice and dark with the shiver of violence hidden in it. The killer stands partially revealed at the end, and I for one wish I had time to read the entire thing. Pick of the Week. After the Blackbird Sings: Chapter One: A Proposition TempestSummers Beginning of KOTOR: Sometimes Carth can be such a hick… While defined as AU, I felt the additional character fit and actually made the scene flow better. Another one of those I wish I could read all the way through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 28, 2007 Author Share Posted December 28, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center You Know My Name Tysyacha The battle on the temple in KOTOR: Revan struggles not to fall. A number of points were marred by direct game references, but not as many as usual. Remember that a ‘flurry of attacks’ works as well as a ‘flurry of melee rounds’, kid. Both struggles happen simultaneously as expected. Having the breach come here with Revan triumphant is a good departure from the original story line. kotorfanmedia Light side Female Revan: Bedridden Griet Mutnojmet After KOTOR: Revan falls sick, and Carth is there there to nurse her back to health. The writing style is good, the story good. Dark side Male Revan: What Lies in the Darkness Chapter 1 TBB Confrontation on the Rakatan Temple: Such a small thing can make you fall… The piece is short but powerful in it’s own way. There is only a brief piece, but from the look of it, this will turn out pretty good. So You Want To Be A Swoop Racer Reslez Before the Swoop Race in KOTOR: Revan feels the need for speed. The piece is fun in a guy-nudge-guy way. You have two men looking at the lines of a swoop bike, and one of them is almost desperate to ride it, even though he won’t admit it aloud. The first pick of this last week of 2007. Tell Me a Story JediDWH Alternate Universe four years after KOTOR: Carth tells a story his wife would rather he didn’t. It took me a moment to understand why it was defined as AU, but once I had, the story captivated me with its simplicity and charm. It is well written, and a perfect piece of history outside the normal story line. Having Carth be father of triplets was just icing on the cake. The only negative was the Pirates of Penzance. Though if it were perfect, it wouldn’t have been as fun. A Pick of the week. The Star Map:Part One Bastila Skywalker PreKOTOR, before the Jedi went to war: Revan finds the Star Map, and begins his slide into darkness. Artefact is spelled with an ‘I’ (artifact). The basic story is good, and the only problems I see with it are with the established time line. The Mandalorians had been attacking the Republic for over four years before Revan marched, so you jumped the gun a bit there. No biggie. Canon note: Master Vodo Siosk-Baas was a master at the time of Exar Kun 40 years earlier, and was killed by Kun. One More Time, With Feeling: Chapter 1 Tonar Rimsen KOTOR on Taris: Retelling of the original Taris scenes as play-script I really didn’t believe this one when I saw it. The problem fixing the sink (game style) was cute and the comment about the bodies just disappearing very much so. The Galaxies War: Prologue Darth Raelic After KOTOR: Revan seeks to rebind the Sith, and in the far future, Darth Sidious seeks the answer to a question. Some misspelling, and editing problems, nothing that can’t easily be corrected. The basic story is good, giving us enough background to enjoy what we’re seeing portrayed. As another said, keep it coming. Dark Heart-Chapter 1 Lord Revan 107 After the Star Forge: Revan begins to mold his new apprentice Punctuation and spelling errors. Nothing major, all the type that editing would cure. The story is basic but well written. I won’t have time to read more, but I’m glad part two is already out there. Keep it up. So Long, and Thanks for the Mind Wipe! Intro and Chapter 1 Astromike1 The opening scene with some twists: On the Endar Spire the character with the poisonous name gets to have some fun I started chuckling with this one before I even finished the disclaimer comments. I usually complain when someone uses comments linked to Earth, but the author worked them in so well they almost slipped past without notice unless we were actually directed to them. Comments tied to later, Carth giving directions linked to Leviathan, Trask trying to carry the conversation while the main character derides the game author, speaking directly to the author at one point… Great! I just wish I had a chance to read the rest! A Pick of the week. The Dark War, Chapter 1 Darth Yoda PreKOTOR: Revan and Carth meet in battle The piece is too short to really judge. The basics are good, and worth building on. The biggest problem I have is the use of stealth fighters that would be several centuries too soon. Nothing's had, Something's Lost Katara Ironarm PreKOTOR: Bastila speaks to the council about Revan, and remembers the past. The piece was short but well written. Katara has graced my column before, and this was as intriguing as the last piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center TIME SPAN Wolv No specific time given: A squad of Republic commandos faces a different enemy with a different plan. First, you need to remember conversation breaks. That way your reader doesn’t get confused about who is talking. Your sentences are cumbersome, you don’t need to say ‘squad member’ every time you introduce them, though mentioning leader, strong man etc, is a good touch. Also, right in the middle of a battle is neither the time nor place for recrimination and questions that need long answers. It plays well sometimes, but you already have them outnumbered, surrounded, and outgunned. Men who spend that time arguing or demanding answers not linked to ‘how do wee get out of here’ don’t live to get out. Technical note. Your explanation of the time travel concept is interesting, but you should have prefaced it with ‘theoretically’. If it were a known and accepted concept, none of the others would have been surprised. Lost Causes Uilleand TSL before Korriban: The torment of Vash. What can I say about it Uilleand? How about first Pick of 2008? Actually I have to say more. Most when they have someone getting tortured either rush past, or dwell a little too lovingly on it. You split the difference very well. Especially the waste of the entire endeavor. Unconquerable Sabretooth Pre KOTOR: A master of illusion gives Malak his wish, sort of… Most of the negatives I could point at were already mentioned, ST, so I won’t belabor them. Your story reminds me of the old saw ‘never date anyone crazier than you are’. One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants. Gray Code: Way Of The Sith True Avery PreKOTOR Alternate Universe: Revan decides the only way to teach this lesson is with pain. But whos pain is it to be? I was as surprised as everyone else about the length. What interested me kid was this fight would have taken an hour on screen, yet you maintained intensity and cohesion throughout. Technical note: If the Leviathan were that large and proportionate throughout, it would be over half the length of an Imperial Super Star Destroyer, and almost two thirds as wide. The book put out as a companion for the KOTOR game says the ship is 1.5 kilometers long (A tad over a mile) and has a crew of 2800. Compare that to the 144,000 crew needed for an SSD, and your ship would need about 80,000 even with the exact same amount of automation. The Jedi Archives Crystal Island Daft Adidas Not Star Wars: After being shipwrecked, two boys join in a quest. The basics are pretty good here, DA. You are using the wrong word sometimes (Are instead of our, that kind of thing) but that is as always an editing problem. Everyone repeat after me… Reread Edit Rewrite, repeat until polished. The Smile Jae Onasi After Attack on Telos: Revan can’t stand that smug smile one more second. One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants. I know Jae was not eligible for the award this month. But if I had a choice I would have voted for this one. The piece swept from the fury at the attack, to the last words Revan said to him, and even though you knew what was going to happen, it still surprised you a bit. Pick of the first week of 2008. kotorfanmedia A Knightmare Before The Old Christmas Republic: KOTOR Meets Tim Burton FrackinAmazinGirl 15 years after the Star Forge:A crossover of Nightmare before Christmas and KOTOR The story was good kid, the problem I have is canonical. As in ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’. Not bad regardless. Knights of the Old Republic Part I: The Path of the Jedi: Prologue SithLordDarthRevan PreKOTOR: The forge that created the mettle of Revan The piece is interesting because a lot of us don’t really consider where the person we’re speaking of came from. Those who do either make them relatively light (My own) or almost totally dark. Your portrayal skates the edge of the darkness, but for a logical reason. Well done. True Power Lord Revan 107 The Climactic battle of the Star Forge, dark side ending: Sometimes you can’t let it show. The piece is well written needing only the edit and polish every story needs. The basic idea is sound, and the flinch when he is hugged and unsure if he is being attacked was choice. As princeps said, however, when it comes to dealing with those we care about, we’re all hypocrites. No matter how ‘good’ or ‘evil’ we are, you should remember that even the worst monsters in human history had a soft spot for someone or something. A Matter of Inches Revanreaborn225 The capture of Revan: So many ways that something so important can be changed. The piece is well written, the differing scenes just different enough that you get a sense of unreality. Very intriguing work. Force's Renewal Kubutar After the battle of the Star Forge: Revan surveys his new domain, and his new apprentice The piece is well done, the focus working well from start to finish. So good in fact Pick of the Week Loyalty Noneko On the Unnamed Planet: With Mission dead, where does Zaalbar’s loyalties lie? The piece struck at my heart because I can understand the life-debt’s bounds. Zaalbar must do what he does, but at the same time, he had ro rationalize around that stricture. Some said it didn’t make sense, but honorable situations, such as standing at Thermoplae even after cut off only makes sense when you use honor instead of common sense as a meter. Pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Thank you so much! I tried extra hard on this one, and I promise I'm gonna polish up and edit alot more. Be sure to read the sequel, in my opinion its not as good, but I'll keep trying. Thanks alot mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Thanks, mach. When the idea popped into my head, my first thought was "Oooh, that is just _evil_," and knew I had to run with it. I also thought it might give a bit more depth to why Malak wanted to kill Revan besides the obvious 'it's the Sith way to climb to power by killing the guy above you'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks for the review, Machman! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks for the review, Machman! you're welcome, son. Did you eat you vegetables like I told you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted January 8, 2008 Share Posted January 8, 2008 Depends on what they call the tomato now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 8, 2008 Author Share Posted January 8, 2008 Depends on what they call the tomato now. since a fruit by definition has the seeds inside, a tomato is a fruit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 11, 2008 Author Share Posted January 11, 2008 11 Jan 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Sandtrap JediMaster12 KOTOR on Tatooine: Two unlikely allies learn to work together. The basic style is good, the theme well portrayed. Your Man Until the End Uilleand Before the last mission in TSL: Mandalore ponders on regret. By weaving portions of both of the games Uilleand has given us an excellent glimpse into the heart of this warrior. A pick of the week kotorfanmedia 'Exile's Revenge' Prologue DarthNemesis2 After TSL: The Exile speaks of his trial and decisions. A couple of minor problems. Some improper word usage (It is ‘due’ not do.) and you forgot some quotation marks. The basics of the story are well done, the scene well enough fleshed out that you get a very good idea of what is happening and why. For a first attempt it’s pretty good. The Last Wait Freesourceful After KOTOR: Helena waits and reminisces. Wow! This one reaches in and pulls the heartstrings. The style is well done, as if the world is seen through a heat haze. By the end you realize how much is put into this, even as a short piece. First Pick of this week. Trial of Two Rainwood Pre KOTOR: The Council judges Revan The piece is very good, making you consider what led up to the erasure of Revan’s memories, and how those around him felt about that. Well worth the read. Another pick of this week. Change of Fates part one chapter 1 DarthJose480 A Timeline crossover from pre-ROTS to Pre Kotor: General Grievous on Dxun The writing needs polishing, but it always does. One thing; It’s ‘He and Revan’, not ‘Revan and he’. An interesting twist that sounds and looks interesting. Destiny is crap Revvie After Leviathan incident: What if Revan mixed the two personalities? The piece needs editing, but as anyone who has read my column for any length of time would know, no one escapes that comment. As much as you defined this as AU, is it really? Even if the ‘new Revan’ formed by the revelation stayed either good or bad, there would be portions of that newer personality in the matrix. That thought alone, I feel puts it squarely within the canon. A pick of the week. Star Wars, Legacy of the Jedi, Part 1, Knights of the Old Republic 1: Journey of the Star Forge. Revan Starwalker You have a problem with run on sentences. Don’t worry, this is an editing and rereading problem I have as well. The comment about Admiral Tarkin was confusing, did you mean trader (As in selling something) or traitor? Part of the confusion came from the line that followed it. The piece has some intriguing ideas in it. One technical detail, while the name ‘A wing’ might have recycled it would help to have a description beyond that name. As an example, any pilot knows the F22 was originally named the Lightning but the air force decided on Raptor instead. If you had said ‘Lightning’ here I would have had 5 different planes (One English One German one Japanese and two American) in my head at the same time. Cries of the Suffering - 00 - Prologue Revansadow PreKOTOR alternate universe: The attempt to capture or kill Revan fail all around You changed the name of the ship (Mizra to Dizra) several times. Is it perhaps a subtle dig at the reader that they are two different ships? The basics are good, the split between Revan and Malak obvious but well considered and portrayed. Good work all around. Gravity of Love Madison Desdemona KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Bastila has one more thing to give up. It’s fazed, not phased. The style is good, the writing crisp and clean. The ending bothered me a bit but that didn’t stop it from being a good read. A pick of the week. Requitement Revan Sama Revan as an Apprentice: A bond formed. The piece was good albeit confusing. The actions of Kreia seem to bridge between teacher mother and lover. Which is she supposed to be? Damaged Spud Head Pre KOTOR: The battle of Malachor V claims it’s last victim. I didn’t know what to say. SH fought the battle of Malachor V the same way I did but in a long drawn out tearing motion rather than an axe falling. It was like my ex would say, watching a train wreck. You can do nothing to stop it, you know the people will die, yet part of you can’t tear your eyes away from it. A pick of the week, and I’ll tell you now, best of this week as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Hey, machievelli. I just read the comment about my "Never Blind in the Force" fanfic. I just wanna say thank you for correcting me. I also told why Kajo Mark aka Darth Atrocious went to the Dark Side. It's explained on Chapter 10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Hey, machievelli. I just read the comment about my "Never Blind in the Force" fanfic. I just wanna say thank you for correcting me. I also told why Kajo Mark aka Darth Atrocious went to the Dark Side. It's explained on Chapter 10. Thank you for getting back. If I get a chance, I will read that section. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Thank you. And you're welcome, machievelli. It's just that I love writing Fanfics, poems, and songfics about Star Wars. I'm really getting use to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 18, 2008 Author Share Posted January 18, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center A Threat From Within Jedi Athos Post TSL: People search for Revan in different ways. You didn’t need the first and in ‘She took the point and Atton, Visas, and Mira fell into step behind her’. You also use of instead of off. Mainly editing problems. Always remember to re-read and edit. The basic premise is excellent and the style well done. Keep it up. V Techenie Vos'mi Let (For Eight Years) Tysyacha PreKotor: Eight years after the events in KOTOR, An unnamed master laments Remember Vandar does not Yoda-speak. Second, reread because a few of the sentences are cumbersome. The basic story is excellent, and the dissenting voice well done. kotorfanmedia Dreams: Excerpts from Bastila Shan's Journal Moonmythology PreKOTOR: Dreams lead Bastila into a search of Revan’s past. The basics are good, the style well done, the matter like watching a sunset, slowly fading into black and nightmare. Well worth the read. First pick of the week. A Phoenix Arises in Darkness BobGens001 Mandalorian Wars: A single straw finally breaks Revan’s reserve. The work is well done except for the technical notes below. The angst was a bit overdone, but as I tell a lot of kids, that is an editing problem. One thing my mother (And a lot of professional writers will tell you) if you have time put it away and read it a month two, maybe three later to see if it still feels good. Technical notes; while often used generically, cruiser means a specific class of warship and so does corvette. You have a briefing room not a hall. Pick of the week. No Choice Blaine Averre The Capture of Revan: Revan’s reasons for becoming evil were never very clear… It’s reveled, not revld. Saying that, the only things I saw wrong with this work were like that one comment something editing can cure. The piece is well done, the idea that Revan didn’t fall as much as slid (One I also used with my Light side Revan) is intriguing, the author merely going one step further with Revan actually using that evil the Council had suspected and used it as well, hoping that by doing so it would also be destroyed. Pick of the week. Tol-Mar Lnicol1990 The last battles of KOTOR: Trapped in his own mind, All Revan can ask for is release… This work sent chills down my back. The idea that the new personality could be trapped, watching all it had done destroyed by himself, unable to stop it, is both surreal and terrifying. Someone commented that this should have been the prologue, and I agree. Well, where’s the rest? A pick of the week. Forever Alone, Chapter 1, Regrets Dakari PostKOTOR: As the last battles come, Darth Revan has time now for regrets. It’s wary not weary. As I said with another work above, all it needed was editing. The story is poignant in it’s wondering ‘what if?’. I think the worst of it is not even Bastila can realize how much Revan wishes he could turn back time and change that one moment. The argument ‘you can’t go back’ always rang false with me, because all lives are formed by their choices, and even Dorian Gray and Anakin Skywalker made that effort to repent. A pick of the week. Insanity Revan Sama The battle between Revan and Bastila: What was going through Bastila’s mind? I read this and like another a few weeks ago, didn’t know what to say. You look into the depth of madness here, and like the old saying, the madness is looking back at you. Definitely a pick of this week. Revan's Requiem, Prologue InferiorBeing PreKOTOR: An interesting piece. Well written, but not really my cup of tea. Above the PG 13 line, kids. Reversi Jen Alternate universe Aboard Leviathan in KOTOR: A ‘what if?’ offering. Who exactly was given this new life? It’s expend (Put effort into) rather than expense (cost). Speculate is what you do, but is not the proper word to explain locating something. A better word would be divine (One meaning being discover through other means). These however are editing problems. As I tell just about everyone, reread, edit, polish. The basic story is excellent especially in breaking away from the torture scene, and then giving Malak a choice. His new personality suits the character well. Keep it up. The Master Eowyn Jedi PreKOTOR no specific time given: Revan is introspective about what he has done with the Star Forge. A short piece, but very intriguing. The interplay with memory, and understanding of what is occurring reminds me of the book Christine by Stephen King. And the actuality of what was occurring with Frodo in Lord of the Rings. A pick of the Week Scars: Part 1 Eowyn Jedi During the Mandalorian wars: The Battle of Malachor told from the Exiles point of view The story was excellent, the scene well laid out, very well done. The only complaint I have, as a serviceman (Vietnam era, though I did not end up there) is that while war is considered evil, sometimes you don’t get the choice. An enemy is sometimes so horrible in their actions that you must fight back. To condemn Revan and Malak on those grounds is shortsighted. To do so and at the same time extol the courage of the Mandalorians confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 25 jan Coruscant Entertainment Center Prophecy of Damnation Darth Manus Two years after TSL: An agent is sent from 5,000 years in the future to gain information from the Ghost of Ajunta Pall The basics are good, the style crisp. The main problem is it’s too short. Jedi Legacy Terracentral After Jedi Academy: Jaden Korr is thrown through time to Dxun right after TSL Remember conversation breaks. Crumbling is an action, not usually a sound. You forgot to use the plural of candle. One thing, stalagmites ate always paired with stalactites, which are the ones that hang from the ceiling. I do believe the word is acceptable if both happen to be made of ice. The basic story is interesting. You’re timing suggested the battle of Dxun at first (Trask Ulgo being alive when he died (Or disappeared at least) aboard the Endar Spire, and that is one thing I am curious about. Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, polish, then serve. Star Wars Legacy: In Her Eyes... SkywalkerRules No specific time given: Sometimes you try to match the picture others have of you. The basics are good, and the change of pace from massive desperate danger which is most of the SW fare to just a sylvan glade was refreshing. There were some word usage problems and cumbersome sentences, but nothing that a quick edit and polish will not cure. One of the Picks for this week. Tython Ties 1: The Great Shism Ztalker Starting at the end of ROTS:A magnum opus covering almost 7000 years Welcome back, Ztalker. Nice to have you back Mainly word usage problems, but that is understandable. Why not ask a native English speaker to beat-read your stuff? The idea of such a work is interesting. I hope to see a lot more of this. Logs of a Commando Darth_Velrogh During Clone war: The diary of a clone commando The style is abrupt but since this is a diary of sorts, that is acceptable. Remember to reread and edit, because you have the occasional wrong word in there. Since the clones were bred to grow at a rate of approximately 4 to one, wouldn’t it be odd that you have one survive the equivalent of just under a century? (Editing point. There is some argument in the books because while the Kamino in AOTC spoke of them aging at 4 to one, the Books [Karen Traviss] say two to one. Still if you figure the Clone Wars [Three years] then 18 to 22 [depending on whether Luke was that age at end] that would still make your tooper in his early fifties.) kotorfanmedia Rise of the Sith'ari: Chapter 1 Master Widrin Soro Two months before the beginning of the Jedi Civil War: Revan and Malak discover that the Sith'ari might be more than a myth. The style is abrupt, the story merely an intro. But from that I believe I can safely say this one bears watching. One of the Picks for this week. Crisis Stabilization Gabrielle After KOTOR: Revan deals not only with Bastila’s death, but the end of the comradeship that the Ebon Hawk held This is an intriguing piece especially in dealing with the one part of the adventure everyone else ignores, living the rest of your life after it. Well worth the read, and I hope there is more. One of the Picks for this week. Admiration Revan Sama PreKOTOR: The Exile remembers Revan The piece is short, with some misused words. That being said it was perfect in it’s own way. The reason the Exile could not follow Revan was well said, and the angst that follows well done. One of the Picks for this week. Ambushed Rotgutt PreKOTOR: A battle fought and lost The piece was simple, elegant, and a bit confusing. But at the same time it was an excellent piece of work. There is no death,there is the force Revan Sama After TSL: You must have something beyond that goal… The piece is well done, the idea simple, yet elegantly portrayed. The end was aq surprise only if you didn’t read what I commented above… One of the Picks for this week. Fall to Darkness Indi26 KOTOR, start of dark side ending: What does Revan really see when the fall happens. The piece is wonderful, short and disturbing. It has hints insanity in there well done. One of the Picks for this week. With this one I have gone through the Dark Side Male Revan category. As with the Light Female Revan I will check back every week to keep up with them But now it’s light side Female Exile time… Hindsight Arrow TSL: In flashbacks and comments to others, the Exile’s past is revealed. The story flows smoothly, the subject matter well defined and delivered. The idea of a Jedi trying to explain how he made an engine explode accidentally was choice. Too often, even in my own work, we see the characters as stolid adults either trying to right the wrongs they have committed, or saving the Galaxy from another. We tend to forget that these were kids at one time or another. A Reprise Pick of the Week. Understanding and Loyalty Rhiannon The period right before the end of the Mandalorian Wars: A lover’s triangle finds itself part of yet another triangle. The style is well done, the work well worth reading. The idea that a man whose love is unrequited may be doing the same to another is not new, but is very well portrayed. One of the best short pieces I have read in the last year. And Loyalty where I said; The Exile during the end of the Mandalorian War; How do you deal with someone changed so radically by war? An extremely short piece that follows the above one. The inner turmoil of what to do when a friend has changed drastically by a war will reach to any of us that have had to deal with that aftermath. Reprise Picks of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Star Wars Legacy: In Her Eyes... SkywalkerRules No specific time given: Sometimes you try to match the picture others have of you. The basics are good, and the change of pace from massive desperate danger which is most of the SW fare to just a sylvan glade was refreshing. There were some word usage problems and cumbersome sentences, but nothing that a quick edit and polish will not cure. One of the Picks for this week. Thanks, machievelli. I'll try to find some time to find those few errors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 Consecrated Demise Mr BFA After TSL: As the Exile plans on following Revan, Revan is also discovering the truth. The piece flow well but you have problems with cumbersome sentences. Try vocalizing the dialogue, read what you wrote, then listen to how it sounds. This is an editing problem. Welcome back. Animal or Metal? JediMaster12 No specific time given though I believe after TSL: Who is the better, a machine or a guard animal? Either just or merely since they mean pretty much the same thing in context and using it in the next sentence as well is redundant. Dark ‘and’ not a. lowered not lower. That being said the story is well written, the idea interesting enough to carry it. The interplay is done well because both antagonists have completely different perceptions of everything, and seeing the same situation through eyes and photoreceptors makes it very interesting. Reality push LadyXianghua Before KOTOR II: The Exile is being hunted on Tatooine. The style is good, though the grammar and word placement seems a bit odd to me. The character is well defined, yet as one of those that commented pointed out, no real description is given of her. The period before the second game is a fertile place to do work, because there is no real mention of what she did for those first five years. I wish I had the time to read the entire work if this is but an example. Reprise Pick of the Week Pazaak Foxfire After KOTOR II: Atton plays Pazaak at a distance with the Exile. The style is excellent, the only problem with the piece was it was too damn short, and in the comment section I am not the only one to say so! 27 people gave this a thumbs up, and if you read it, you’ll see why. Reprise Pick of the Week Discipline Icey cold Time period not set, though probably during KOTOR I: The disciple and Exile talk about the inner workings of the Order. The style is good, the byplay excellent. It is not often that people looked under the surface of the order itself, and little has been done on the interim between the Mandalorian wars and the Exile’s return. This work is definitely worth the read. Reprise Pick of the Week Echo Rhiannon The Exile is torn by the revelations on Dantooine The style is good, the angst well turned and served. One of the best I’ve read in a long time. Reprise Pick of the Week Connections: Prologue and Chapter One Rhiannon The climactic battle at Malachor: Seen through the eyes of several characters. Remember the conversation breaks, and editing is needed to take care of some of the word usage. On the whole it is a well done piece. The story is well portrayed, the situation not only understandable, but enjoyable Pick of the Week The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR-style Charys The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on. Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this. I like it! Reprise Pick of the Week The next author had back to back works I liked. release gekkeiju During TSL: The Exile spends Atton’s last moments of life wishing it had been different. The author grabs you by the throat and drags you along in this piece. My only real complaint is that it is so short. 20 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree. and; In your dreams, Part 1 gekkeiju During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past. gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read. Reprise Pick of the Week The Language of Love Seraterranova Set approximately a year after the Star Forge: Some in depth look at Telosian society, Revan’s reaction to it, and what really happened. The work is well done, the in depth look at the character is sublime, and the end a definite giggle. 24 readers gave it a thumbs up, and I understand why Reprise Pick of the Week Lucky Lurai Valcorr During visit to Nar Shaddaa in TSL: It isn’t the gift, it’s the thought. I don’t know how I missed this one the first time I went through, but I regret it now. The piece is a simple bit of work like a mere line art. But together, it’s a picture word more words that I can give it. Pick of the week. Hyper Drive Strifekun TSL: Inside Atton’s mind. It’s not a pretty picture… The piece is dark and gives you a chill. The inner workings of Atton show a lot of disturbance. Well worth the time to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Thanks for the review mach. You try writing something that told you that HK was supposed to be scary Anyway that was a breif moment of creative eccentricity. I was thinking about the dialogue exchange between Canderous and Carth in th egame, the difference between warriors and soldiers and figured to do the same thing with HK and Kapu from HotG series. Glad it worked out and merited mach's grammar troll notice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks also for the review, Mach. I haven't been writing as much as I should have and that's probably why I've been slacking more and more with editing. Again thanks, and I'll try to be more mindful of how I write from now on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ztalker Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks for the review I'll think about the 'beat-read' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Cat woman Lord Nihilus PreKOTOR: How Juhani fell to the darkside. The piece has some problems; first, dream sequences are usually in separate paragraphs. Second; the piece didn’t give us a lot to get into. You have some chops, kid. Let’s see them in something longer. Welcome aboard Children of the Jedi JediMaster12 Set in the post KOTOR universe: Preparing for the next conflict. The writing is good, but needs some polishing. Others have addressed any other problem. There was one thing that bothered me, but since I IM the author on occasion, I found out this was intentional. The calm before the storm of the first chapter was good. Pick of the week. Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life Lord Nihilus PreTSL: The death of Katarr and Visas’ capture I was getting irate with this piece until it hit me: Our friend doesn’t speak English that well. So taking that into account, remember to have paragraph breaks when the subject changes. The average size of a paragraph is only about three to five sentences. A subject changes when perspective changes as well. The basic idea is good; it just needs a bit of polish and editing. kotorfanmedia Circles Benna Kioba Post KOTOR, but no definite dating: Carth says goodbye, and hello. What can I say? The piece was like a portrait by a master. The scene well defined, the situation perfect, every word and phrase making the scene more exact and poignant. Pick of the week. Scoundrels Kitome TSL after Onderon civil war; Sometimes you have to just take the chance. A brief look at the relationship between a female exile and Atton that was well done and give enough mental interplay that it was an enjoyable read. The best line has been commented on in the note above, but it was still a giggle. Rivalries Dinah Lance TSL after Onderon civil war; A peek into trhe Exile’s past. Forgive me for missing this however that happened Dinah. A well-done piece with enough explanation to keep everything coherent. Well done. Angel of Mercy BrennaSolo TSL on Malachor: Atton reminisces about his time spent with the exile. It’s a couple (of) lovers, kid. That said, there is nothing I can say about this that hasn’t already been said by those who have commented already. Excellent work, and good in depth studies of each incident make me wish I had time to read it all. Pick of the Week. Exiled No Longer Wook End of TSL: As the Exile sinks into a coma, the crew considers what she has become to them The piece is excellent writing. The way each deals with the situation fits the characters very well, and having all of them help makes it that much more interesting. Pick of the week. Truly Wonderful is the Mind of a Child Charys Some time after TSL: You should be careful with your criticism… I enjoyed this primarily because I have dealt with this kind of teacher before, and the way the ‘child’ took care of her problem was not only unique but downright hilarious. Pick of the week. Not the Other Way Around (Chapter 1) Darth Arwen The rescue of Master Vrook: Sometimes nothing goes right… I agree with the other comments that you showed the antipathy between the characters very well. The scene is well laid out, and well done. Lost in Transition, Chapter One Lightseeker After TSL: The reunion between Revan and the Exile The scene is well done and has a nice gritty feel, a perfect place for the meeting portrayed. The interplay shows the pain both feel about the past The only problem I saw is one I got dinged for when I tried to sell a story back in the 70s. The editor who read it rejected it because it was set in an inn. As he pointed out (Belabored actually) it’s a stock scene everyone falls back on. So if you decide to actually sell something, remember that. At the End of All Things, Ch. 1 VanillaLatte End of TSL: After the climactic battle is fought, the team ponders the nature of the force and what is to come. The others said it already, but I’m going to say it myself. Wonderful work, the interplay excellent, the discussions while reminiscent of the scene in KOTOR is done in such a way that anyone who plays both would get a new perspective of the same question. Pick of the week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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