JediMaster12 Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Thanks for the review mach. Good selection from kfm this week. I have read almost alll of them at least twice over and as always I still love them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Carth's Wonderful Night DarthJebu05 After KOTOR: A crossover of Scrubs; What do you do when you wake up the next morning. Some confusing sentences. As an example when Revan asks for a story it should have been why ‘don’t’ you tell me a story. Every problem I saw could be corrected by editing. Glory's Road Robqeldroma Before KOTOR, no specific time given: A man is formed in the heat of battle. The start is good, the scenes done rather well. The only problem I had was historical. According to the Chronology, the last war with the Sith specifically had been 40 years before the events of KOTOR, when Kavar was either young or not even born. The image used by the Game designers looks to be in his late 30s to early 40s. If you consider that the average Padawan is in his mid to late 20s, the events would have had to happen during the period before the Mandalorians attacked the Republic yet the events described are far more than a raid. More background is needed. kotorfanmedia This weeks column has a little bit of everything so without further ado: Light side female Revan No Girls Allowed Hairless Wookie Climactic battle aboard Star Forge: The sign said what??? I was a bit upset at the first with Nurik being made an admiral. But from the moment Malak spoke, I lost it. Malak on drugs, Nurik unable to figure a way out of the mess, Revan unwilling to open a door because she’s worried about LS points. The way she got her light sabers was just icing on the cake. Wildly silly, irreverent and worth every second! Pick of the week. Forgiven Ryusui KOTOR During Korriban mission: What are you willing to do for love? For that matter, what are you willing to forgive? Extra right now in this sentence; “While the star map is important, for right now , I consider getting the evidence for Dustil most important right now, I just wanted you to know that.” A couple of times you left out a word. But all I saw were editing problems, easily corrected. The piece is excellent. It shows how Revan could have gotten the information she needed, how Carth would have undoubtedly acted if he were a love interest, and gives a good idea of what he might have done after such a faux pas. The explanation of how the mental erasure worked was also excellent. Outstanding work, and another pick of the week. Target Delasaer Chval After Revan‘s return: Trapped together, Mira and Dustil have to think about how to get along. The piece is not too bad, needing editing more than anything. The pairing as the first person to comment said, is one you might eventually see, and it was definitely interesting. The Silent Order is the most interesting part of the story, and I hope more is written. You Do Something to Me.... Griet Mutnojmet After Leviathan revelation: Canderous Revan and Carth deal with a possible relationship between Canderous and Revan. The situation is well done, the situation not perfect but still a work of art. Well worth the read. A pick of the week. dark side male Revan Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Prologue) Prodigal Knight Prologue to KOTOR: The Capture of Revan Word usage problems, probably due to thinking faster than you write. A common problem, I suffer from it myself. Technical note; Lasers are light speed weapons. If you are fired on by a laser, you know it when the weapon hits, not before. That is why I think as much as they call them ‘turbo lasers’ the weapons of the Star Wars galaxy are actually laser driven plasma instead of lasers. Well done. Light side Exile More to the war than the battles Jedi Valius During the Mandalorian Wars: The difference between the Jedi and a soldier While the basics, allowing an enemy prisoner to escape bothered me, I had to agree with the reasoning. The biggest problem in war over the centuries has been the treatment of prisoners, which has always been haphazard. The writing is well done, the characters briefly sketched but still fleshed out. Resolutions Trillian4210 After the climactic battle on Malachor V: To make a new beginning, first you must have an end of the old… Several people have praised this, and I agree with those reviews. The idea that the planet itself had to be destroyed for the nightmare to end or at least abate it is well portrayed. The scenes of those lost were done in such a manner that they were easily visualized, from Kreia to Bao-Dur to G0T0, they fit. Pick of the week. The Blue Side of the Force: Part the First- In which a hippified Jedi joins the Exile JediDWH TSL on Citadel Station the first time: The exile picks up an unlikely ally. The story was a bit irreverent. The idea of a tie-died Jedi was amusing, and classifying a light saber battle as art fits in well with the attitude of the JedI themselves. Well done. What am I? DJ After Malachor V: Now that the adventure is done, the Exile runs with her faithful droids, and ponders what she has become. The piece is deep introspection, and very well done in that vein. The reason for her condition was never adequately explained in the game, and where she would go from there sketched in only in very generic terms. Whether for good or ill, the questions remained. Pick of the week. Drunk Realities Revan’s Pet Duck TSL On Nar Shadaa after mission: A drunken night out doesn’t leads to? The piece flows well, and as much as the author was worried that it was overdone, the drunken scene was very well done. 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machievelli Posted February 22, 2008 Author Share Posted February 22, 2008 22 Feb Coruscant Entertainment Center I'm Here for the Party Tysyacha KOTOR on Taris: Brave warrior or Party animal? A short piece, but amusing. The idea that our dear Revan is a party animal is funny. Carth's Worst Day DarthJebu05 After the Star Forge: Some people just can’t keep secrets. It’s ‘He and’ not ‘him and’. The piece was confusing, primarily because your wording implies that Canderous is Revan’s husband, yet by defining it as a prequel you then have Revan committing adultery. But your way of using suggesting reference made up for it. Safeword Uilleand On Nar Shaddaa during TSL: A look into Atton’s darkness The way it was written, this reminded me of a lot of things. Excellently done, the denouement perfect. Pick of the week kotorfanmedia Light side female Revan The Long Road Led Here Tatooine92 KOTOR on Taris: Why is Carth so paranoid? While basically the same section all of us have read and done, this piece is well done in it’s own right. Please continue. Nicknames and Whiskey Onasilvslv At the start of TSL: How long will Carth wait? It was an interesting view of Carth’s mind. The fact that Mori (Revan) had replaced his late wife as the focus of his yearning was excellent, and how he felt when he did slip also well portrayed. The way that nicknames were used as the trigger to stop him was also good. Struggle Yggdrasil Originally posted 10 28 2005 After the destruction of the Star Forge, a Jedi out for revenge meets Revan and her crew. I was hooked three paragraphs into this. Outstanding work, the angst of the main character is haunting. Reprise Pick of the week. Light side female Exile Finding Revan kattalez During KOTOR II A Jedi strike team finds and rescues Revan (Note when originally reviewed I had not played TSL. So I know place this after that story.) First reviewed in June of 2006, this is the original review. The placement above is assumed, but the skill the writer shows is not an assumption. The style is dark yet draws you in easily. Very well done Reprise Pick of the week. 22 Feb 2008 Nar Shaddaa Style Kitome During TSL: Just remember, the House wins any ties… Having never gotten into the Pazaak portion of the games, I felt this would probably not be interesting. Boy was I wrong. Finding out what the Nar Shaddaa rules are was amusing, having the house win ties in the position they were in funny, and the last line outrageous. A pick of the week The Will of the Force Revan’s Pet Duck With the TSL crew, no specific time mentioned: The will of the Force? Or a dirty mind? As much as you want to give credit to Nate, take credit when it is due. The piece is amusing, the situation tells us a little of what is on Atton’s mind. Maybe it was the Force, but maybe the Force was just giving them a not too subtle nudge. Pick of the week. The Streak SeraTerranova TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A silly reaction, set to the music of the Streak by Ray Stevens. Following the basic pattern of the Ballad, it was a lightly amusing read until the end, when you find out why ‘Ethel’ (The woman from the song in this case the Exile) ends up joining the race as it were. That one segment made the story for me. Pick of the week. Wake Up Call Revan’s Pet Duck TSL Enroute to Korriban: Some things are best not considered… When you said what happened with the Disciple, I suddenly had a picture in my mind. To quote HK, ‘My photoreceptors! My photoreceptors!' The story started a little slow, and the scene when the author explains the exile’s panic started to pick up the pace. But Mira’s wake up call is absolutely beautiful, especially HK’s comments. Don’t feel bad, I actually downloaded the Handmaiden/female Exile mod because I couldn’t stand the twit myself. I have to agree, if he’s there dis him… Pick of the week. Prologue: Past Remembered Peculiar Prologue to TSL: The Exile thinks of her past Just a prologue true, but you can understand why she is what she was at the start of TSL. Well done work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 I only just noticed this thread. Heh. Anyway I noticed the blurb you gave me for my fic. Anyway my fic has gone over a complete plot overhaul since you wrote it. Anyway the critiscms here are really good. Keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobQel-Droma Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 @mach - EDIT: Actually, after doing some checking with Rev7 (check out that "SW timeline..." thread in the help part of CEC), my fic actually does fit within the timeline; there's a window where no conflicting storylines should be taking place. And background is definitely coming... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 29 Feb The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith DarthJebu05 Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally. The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists. Just a Dream Tatooine92 After the return from the Unknown Regions: The past never really lets go Several people have commented, and I think what I say here fits pretty well. The work is excellent, the possibility that the dream is a foreboding very real. Worth every second. Pick of the week. A stroll on Dxun . . . Yggdrasil On Dxun: An interesting walk leads to an equally interesting conversation The piece started out a bit strange, but immediately became a riot. Put it this way, just picturing Visas begging for a spanking, then Visas in bondage gear cracked me up, and it didn’t stop there. Excellent! Pick of the week Look at Me Hijozu Shan Peragus Escape: With a little help from your friends. My only complaint is the brevity of the piece. The scene is well portrayed, the fear and cajoling well done. It makes Atton a bit more than a part of the scenery, and makes the Exile a bit less of a superwoman. Wounds Exile Starrcast After TSL: The Exile considers what her life must be The piece is excellent introspection, the end a bit of a surprise. I would say it was too short; considering the subject though, it was perfect in every way. Pick of the Week. Who' afraid of the big bad kinrath? kattalez On Dantooine: Everyone must face their fear, some just do it in different ways. The piece has interesting quirks for both characters. The Exile afraid of the dark and bugs, and Atton… Well worth a read. Stowaway Kitome Aboard Ebon Hawk: What frightens you? The piece made me grin. People are always teased about their phobias, and seeing the comeuppance was poetic justice. The Exiles last line even better. The Mind Killer" DarthExile After TSL: Has Atton really changed? There was a blurb on the Light Side Female Exile page for this one. I don’t think the comment did the story justice. This is a look at a totally dark dream, one bad enough you would expect the dreamer to awake screaming. Oh, and DarthExile, thanks for the advice. I read this at 2 in the afternoon. I’m glad I did. Pick of the Week Prelude to Chaos WeaponsMaster Conroy Originally reviewed July 7, 2006 authored as Dark Lord of the Bith My review then stands; The girl who will later be the Exile goes into her first battle. The biggest problem with RPGs in comparison to books and stories is there's a lot of back story that never gets told. Our friend DLOTB covers an important point in the life of the main character of TSL, and does it well. The character is well fleshed out, and some of the background is excellent. The comment about her using a force choke on an enemy troop attacking an animal tells you more about her than most even try. This is the second person I reviewed this week that makes me wish I had the time to read all of their works. Reprise Pick of the Week. Pazaak: Juma Rules Qt314159 After Onderon Civil War: Different rules make a game interesting… There were a number of times you forgot conversation breaks. That said I can’t think of enough good things to say. Each character was well portrayed, the scenes one after another a riot! Pick of the week The Confession Trillian4210 On Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession The scene is well laid, the flashback laying out all of what Atton had done and why. My problem is that now I not only have another pick of the week, but problems figuring which is going to be best of the best Message in a Datapad Darth Meatbag Originally posted July 21st, 2006. With this review Set during KOTOR II: The Exile gets a message from her lost love. The style is good, the story well done, the subject matter excellent. Reprise Pick of the week The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith DarthJebu05 Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally. The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists. Just a Dream Tatooine92 After the return from the Unknown Regions: The past never really lets go Several people have commented, and I think what I say here fits pretty well. The work is excellent, the possibility that the dream is a foreboding very real. Worth every second. Pick of the week. A stroll on Dxun . . . Yggdrasil On Dxun: An interesting walk leads to an equally interesting conversation The piece started out a bit strange, but immediately became a riot. Put it this way, just picturing Visas begging for a spanking, then Visas in bondage gear cracked me up, and it didn’t stop there. Excellent! Pick of the week Look at Me Hijozu Shan Peragus Escape: With a little help from your friends. My only complaint is the brevity of the piece. The scene is well portrayed, the fear and cajoling well done. It makes Atton a bit more than a part of the scenery, and makes the Exile a bit less of a superwoman. Wounds Exile Starrcast After TSL: The Exile considers what her life must be The piece is excellent introspection, the end a bit of a surprise. I would say it was too short; considering the subject though, it was perfect in every way. Pick of the Week. Who' afraid of the big bad kinrath? kattalez On Dantooine: Everyone must face their fear, some just do it in different ways. The piece has interesting quirks for both characters. The Exile afraid of the dark and bugs, and Atton… Well worth a read. Stowaway Kitome Aboard Ebon Hawk: What frightens you? The piece made me grin. People are always teased about their phobias, and seeing the comeuppance was poetic justice. The Exiles last line even better. The Mind Killer" DarthExile After TSL: Has Atton really changed? There was a blurb on the Light Side Female Exile page for this one. I don’t think the comment did the story justice. This is a look at a totally dark dream, one bad enough you would expect the dreamer to awake screaming. Oh, and DarthExile, thanks for the advice. I read this at 2 in the afternoon. I’m glad I did. Pick of the Week Prelude to Chaos WeaponsMaster Conroy Originally reviewed July 7, 2006 authored as Dark Lord of the Bith My review then stands; The girl who will later be the Exile goes into her first battle. The biggest problem with RPGs in comparison to books and stories is there's a lot of back story that never gets told. Our friend DLOTB covers an important point in the life of the main character of TSL, and does it well. The character is well fleshed out, and some of the background is excellent. The comment about her using a force choke on an enemy troop attacking an animal tells you more about her than most even try. This is the second person I reviewed this week that makes me wish I had the time to read all of their works. Reprise Pick of the Week. Pazaak: Juma Rules Qt314159 After Onderon Civil War: Different rules make a game interesting… There were a number of times you forgot conversation breaks. That said I can’t think of enough good things to say. Each character was well portrayed, the scenes one after another a riot! Pick of the week The Confession Trillian4210 On Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession The scene is well laid, the flashback laying out all of what Atton had done and why. My problem is that now I not only have another pick of the week, but problems figuring which is going to be best of the best Message in a Datapad Darth Meatbag Originally posted July 21st, 2006. With this review Set during KOTOR II: The Exile gets a message from her lost love. The style is good, the story well done, the subject matter excellent. Reprise Pick of the week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthJebus05 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 29 Feb The Last Hope: Episode One - The True Sith DarthJebu05 Some editing problems, nothing that can’t be corrected. The flow is a little off, and you’re pushing the pace. Ease off a bit, allow the story to flow naturally. The premise is interesting so far. I am wondering how you are going to explain not only Revan’s longevity but how the Star Forge still exists. Thanks for the tips, I'll slow it right down after chapter four. Which I have just posted. I have a great plot twist and story line that will be fully explained in the coming chapters and episodes. Don't expect to be left in the dark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks for the tips, I'll slow it right down after chapter four. Which I have just posted. I have a great plot twist and story line that will be fully explained in the coming chapters and episodes. Don't expect to be left in the dark! As I have told a lot of people here, I know the problems like this primarily because I have or have had the same problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The End of Something Grand Lord Sturkie Before the Yuuzhan Vong left their galaxy: Two young apprentices vie against each other. The writing is well done, the piece interesting in giving the alien menace of later years an almost human aspect. Welcome to the forum and well done. Battle of Dxun Lordjedi It’s too not to in the first paragraph. Remember conversation breaks. Also, remember to edit before posting if not using a spell checker, since destroy is the correct spelling as is approach. Welcome to this forum, kid. kotorfanmedia Knights of the Rebellion Cy Ndakiel After TSL: Carth and Revan meet again, but the adventures aren’t over. The workmanship is journeyman work, and deserves a read. The characters are well enough fleshed out that the reader can visualize them readily. The basic story as other have belabored, does have that slight plot twist that jars the reader. If it had been longer, or the explanation had been more detailed, I don’t think there would be a problem. For a Noob, it isn’t bad. Keep it up. Message from the Heart Darth Meatbag Ten years after KOTOR: The Exile and Atton reunite. Posted 15 Dec on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment with the following review: After KOTOR II: The reuniting of the exile and Atton. The piece is a slice of life that tells a great deal not only about the exile, but Carth and Revan as well. Very well done. Reprise Pick of the week Inklings Despiva Kaioh Ten years after KOTOR: Revan and the Exile meet again, but not for long. The piece flows well, and the ending while a surprise, was in it’s own way a pleasant one. Sometimes you’re too busy trying to save others to understand they might have the same thoughts. Pick of the Week. Beneath the Burning Sky Rawtooth During the Mandalorian Wars: A view of the prelude to a battle. The piece needs some editing, primarily because of spelling, but on the whole well done. This is one of the few pieces I have seen where the average Mandalorian is not painted merely as a homicidal maniac because his profession is war. Well worth reading. Of Jokes and Dreams Glass Mermaid During and right after TSL: You can never match the image you create of your rival… The piece has some spelling errors, and could use editing, but beyond that it is excellent. The basis of the story is well done, showing all of the ways a man in love will tell himself he isn’t worthy of the woman he loves. Well worth reading. Pick of the week. Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption--Prologue Bald As Malak Six months after KOTOR: A nightmare sends Revan into the unknown… Too short to really call for style, yet an interesting twist on why Revan had to go into the darkness alone. Cast of a Thousand Shoulders: (1) In the Tale, a Story NovelT Covering from after the Mandalorian Wars to the end of TSL: Some debts have to be repaid in different ways… The style is a bit confusing and stilted, but by the same token once you get a feel for it, quite fun to read. It wasn’t until a quarter of the way through that I figured out who was who, but once I did it made perfect sense. It’s like the chiaroscuro pictures they have where you have to look at it to find the image, but once you see it, you automatically see it every time. KotOR III Destiny's Call Chapter 1 Kandon Kuuson After TSL: A new adventure begins The primary problems are stilted sentences and misspelling. These are editing problems, easily corrected. The story is workmanlike, and flows well beyond that. The only question I have is the one the other reviewers asked; How did Revan die? The Long Goodbye Codename SailorV The end of TSL: The Exile says goodbye from Visas’ viewpoint What can I say, one of the best I have seen this week. The way Visas tries to find a way to stop her, and all arguments are shot down is perfect. Pick of the week. Tough Love Glass During TSL: The title says it all. The rare evil Atton story so far have been some of the best work I have seen here. Not that the man can’t be the good guy, but because when he goes bad he really goes bad. You can’t think of anything beyond him Pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 14, 2008 Author Share Posted March 14, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Liberation JediAthos Mandalorian Wars January contest: The events on Taris prior to and during the liberation. The scenes need work, as does the dialogue. The problems were the scenes went by too fast. The dialogue is stilted especially in the first section. Considering the time constraints, not too bad. The basic idea is good. Fire with Fire Salzella Mandalorian Wars January contest set on Eres III: Revan considers what are acceptable losses. Kid, you surprised me. This is is an interesting thought provoking piece. If I had voted, you would have gotten one. Pick of the week. Prelude Diego Varen Mandalorian Wars January contest: The calm before the storm… Others have already said what I would have, and I agree with them on all points. Both constructive, and comments. A very good entry. Welcome back. Bitter Bee Hoon Mandalorian Wars January contest set after Malachor V: Revenge and regret The piece is well done, and the primary negative I would have stated, the lack of POV, has already been addressed. You’re allowed three votes at the Cantina, this gets one. Healing the Enemy Sabretooth Mandalorian Wars January contest no specific campaign given: A captured medic makes a choice. The story shows ST’s usual style and workmanship, making it a joy to read. However the story itself doesn’t gel with me and the problem is technical. First, giving your parole in war is serious business. You don’t promise then take back your word. I know the practice has fallen out of favor in the last century and a half, but an honorable people would expect you to keep that word. As for the bracelet, it makes sense instead of assigning guards. Second, if you have a medic, even one combat trained, it would make more sense to leave him either at your camp or at least behind the lines. Under the accepted rules of war, a wounded man had no side. Putting him in a situation where he has to choose between killing his own and killing you would force it. Still, you did tie for the victory, and I would have voted for this if I did. The Art of War: Opposites Attract JediMaster12 Mandalorian Wars January contest set on Dxun: Two enemies must be allies if only for a time. What can I say? The work was well done before I stuck my hand in, primarily giving JM12 technical advice. I can’t say I’d vote for it for the same reason I never vote for my own. This is at least in part (Technical and some beta) so I couldn’t vote for it. Of course I never vote anyway (As the critic I don’t feel it’s proper)… Urban Death RakataDark Set on Coruscant during the Alliance era: A typical day in the life of a cop… or so it would seem. Some word usage problems, regimen not regiment. The basics are excellent, the building tension good. Keep it up. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Seed Joysweeper KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan enters a new, yet familiar world. Having read Joysweeper’s work I should never be amazed by how well the author does. There are no battles, all is introspection. Yet you get the feel of conflict, from her struggles against the Masters (Even if only questioning why) to viewing the lives and deaths of the animals around her. You get the feeling from the character that finding the force is like putting on an old comfortable sweater, with all the joy you would have in finding that piece of clothing you thought long destroyed. Like the other person that commented, I for one would wish for more. Pick of the week. The Trial of Bastila Shan Satori After KOTOR: The Senate holds a War Crimes Trial, opening statement by the Defense. I agreed that this should have been a military or Jedi decision. But being a student of history, I know the way it should be is not always the way it is. Before WWII, War crimes were internal matters. Your general is accused of a crime and a court of inquiry, the accuser puts forward his evidence, the court deliberates, and if there is enough to try, they hold a court martial. Nurnberg changed that. Suddenly War Crimes belonged not to those who had direct legal jurisdiction, but to the victors. Having read several books on the trials, I can tell you that it was a farce from the word go. The US had already approached the other Allies to convene those trials even though as Robert Jackson (A Supreme Court Justice and Prosecutor for the US) admitted, there was no precedent for such trials. The charges except for two were specious; A General, whose job it is to plan for a war and if it begins fight it to the best of his ability is a criminal if the enemy say it’s wrong? Several times during those trials, the defense (At least of the military men) pointed out that the allies had done exactly the same thing and were admonished by both British and American judges at different times that ‘we are not on trial, you are‘. The attitude of direct responsibility for officers and men below field rank (Major) was harped on, and the worst of that was that the only country that had such a view; that illegal orders need not be obeyed before 1944 were the defendants. This is not a proper trial, it is a politically driven ploy. They can’t try the ones they want, so they settle for what they can catch. The defense merely has to prove that it is all cheap politics and it falls apart. Pick of the Week. Abomination Jedi Serenity After KOTOR: Carth and Revan face the same problem from different angles. The time when Revan leaves is a little covered subject, primarily because it is so amphorous. We only know she left and Canderous was the last to see her. The piece gives an excellent view of the subject, the parting and the sorrow it caused all around. Very well done. The Huntress (Chapter One: The Prey) Revan’s Pet Duck During TSL on Nar Shaddaa; Mira contemplates her life, and dreams of finding something new. The story is well written, and flows relatively well. The subject matter is well done because I for one (As others commented) like the red headed vixen. Keep it up. Keeping Promises Belladonna Originally posted Sept 8th, 2006. This is my original review: Set prior to the return of the Exile to Malachor; Revan where ever she may be hears Carth’s gentle plea. The scene is perfect, and you can feel the angst Revan and the Exile have, along with Carth’s loneliness. Very well done! Reprise Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Thanks for the review, Sir Mach! Glad to know I have a recognizable style now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted March 14, 2008 Share Posted March 14, 2008 Thanks mach:) You just made my day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted March 15, 2008 Share Posted March 15, 2008 Thanks for the review. I thought I was being to unoriginal in my opinion. Thanks for keeping my head in the clouds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 21, 2008 Author Share Posted March 21, 2008 Obsession Kattalez During TSL after Nar Shaddaa: A silent watcher yearns for more. Excellent work! The depth of the character is explored, the yearning deep enough that you can feel it with him. Pick of the Week Awakening Peculiar The Beginning of TSL: The Exile finds herself in an unfamiliar place You used some words incorrectly; vents instead of events. Nothing that can’t be cured by editing. A basic retelling, but still an interesting take. Keep it up. Cleansing breath Kattalez Enroute to Onderon: Sequel to Who's afraid of the big bad kinrath? The Exile wonders what is happening between Atton and Kreia. The piece is interesting in it’s view of the relationship between the trio. We as the reader (Or gamer as the case may be) know what’s going on, and the way the characters deal with it is of interest to us for that very reason. Last to the Battle Grimrabbit First posted 29 Sept 2006, this is my original review; The events after KOTOR The author has captured the biggest problem I foresaw for Revan. You were the worst monster in history, you slaughtered everyone like a malevolent child (GR’s own phrase) and now you’re not sure if you will ever be accepted. Extremely well done. Reprise Pick of the Week Dreams Are Where Truth Sleeps Amber Penglass TSL After Onderon: Trying to calm someone in a nightmare leads to more complications. The piece is well written, and flows well. The scene and it’s interruption was well done. The ending was cute. A bit of fluff by the admission of the author, but a warm bit of fluff. Pick of the week. A Lot to Forgive Amber Penglass TSL on Dxun at Freedon Nadd’s tomb: Atton faces the worst enemy imaginable. Amber is a master of using elements of the game out of sequence on someone other than the one the game designers used. No fluff this time, just brutal hard honesty and a look into our favorite scoundrel. Pick of the Week. Who You Were, Who You Are Master JuriJuice TSL after Korriban and before Onderon: The thoughts in Atton’s mind about what he once was. The piece was excellent right up to the last paragraph. As to that paragraph, it surpassed itself by becoming a sudden twist the rest had never given you. Pick of the week. I Know Amber Penglass TSL after Korriban follows A Lot to Forgive: The one best to heal is the one who knows what that wound is. The scenes are well done, the style eminently Amber’s. Pick of the Week. The Big Bad Lord of Hunger Yggdrasil TSL The fight between the Guardian and Nihilus: So I wasn’t the only one who thought it was lame! Written in stage script style, the scene is what we know, but taken with a funny twist. Yggdrasil has always one of the first I reviewed in this forum, and I eagerly await every post. Pick of the Week. Once He's Dead (Chapter One) Revans Pet Duck TSL after the climactic battle, returning to Telos: You don’t know what you have until it’s been lost… The piece covers a part a lot of us ignore, what will happen if Atton dies and you have Mical in your party. The angst is well done, the mental interplay good. Tinkering With a Droid TWiNkLeT TSL, no specific time given: Some people just aren’t good with machines… The piece is light and fluffy, and by the author’s own admission, too short. I for one have never understood why the game insists on giving you side quests you really can’t do, this one in particular. Pick of the Week. Savin' Me Part 1 RogueLadySabyne TSL after Nar Shaddaa: First you have to forgive yourself… Looking into Atton’s mind is always an interesting journey and this is no exception. Having the dead woman like a ghost haunting him is a good point because as we can see, since he cannot forgive himself, he is not yet free of the past. A pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 28, 2008 Author Share Posted March 28, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Vremya ("Time") Tysyacha After TSL: The Exile contemplates a bleak future The word is tends not intends. The piece is an excellent bit of introspection, laced with flashbacks. Very well done Pick of the week. Jedi on Nar Shaddaa Astor Kaine No specific era given: A pair of Jedi set out on an arrest. The piece needs some polish. As I always say; write, reread, edit, repeat until smooth. All in all a nice bit of work for a first time. Welcome to the forum kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan A Den Of Hate Part 1 Lord Zeuss KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: How hostility could be of help. The piece started out choppy, but once the two Jedi begin interacting it begins to flow very well. The explanation of how he not only used the anger to create calm but also how he used the Force bond to speed his training was very well done. Pick of the week. Light Side Female Revan An Unlikely Savior Ch.1 - The Endar Spire Dragonknight337 KOTOR The Intro battle: A frantic run through the ship. The style is workmanlike, the scenes well laid out, the dialogue refreshing. Keep it up. THE END PART ONE (HOMECOMING) TimemasterX Before TSL: Revans set into motion her plan to travel into the Unknown Regions The style is good, the situation clearly defined. Worth reading. Light Side Female Exile Redemption? My ass. Artwork by Fizzingwhizbee Written by Fongeil TSL On Korriban: The Exile and Atton one last mission together Like Who You Were, Who You Are By Master JuriJuice from last week, this one surprised me. Very well done. Pick of the Week Chapter One: Skewed Perceptions Jakia75 Posted 20 Oct 2005 on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment The Critic’s Two Cents and Starwarsknights.com The Critic returns Set in TSL: Twin exiles on Peragus at the start. There are spelling problems (Warn instead of worn) but any problems are minor. The idea of twin Jedi is fun because they aren’t even close to the same. The girl is almost as strait-laced as Bastila as described in the intro, and the male reminds me of Han Solo from the original Star Wars movie. The dialogue between Lydia and Atton is a well done take off from the original script of the game, and the only line I would have changed would be when he commented that he had wanted to use a line, but didn’t. I would have changed it to have him say he threw it away, and have her reply, ‘That’s a pity, some poor kid might pick it up and use‘. Reprise pick of the week. KotOR III: Chapter 1 Of Exiles, Droids & Ghosts Ravan Five year after TSL: The Exile continues her search for Revan The scene is well done, the weariness of the main character well portrayed. You can picture the Exile on the ragged edge, barely holding herself together. Worth reading more than once to get the flavor just right. Pick of the week. Before She Wakes Codename SailorV Before TSL: The Exile faces someone bent on revenge. The piece is well done, the scene set with excellent relief. The end of the battle is almost anticlimactic. Another reviewer said there should be a sequel. I agree. Pick of the week. Kaze no Furu Sora Wingedrevan TSL After Malachor V: The Exile tries to hold herself back from the others. The piece has it’s moments The worry not only over what she has become, but also how she could affect the others makes you want to read more. The name, if you are curious translates loosely as The wind ruling the sky Haunted One: Tears and Rain RewenaR TSL on Citadel Station after Malachor V: The Exile explains her decision to Atton and to herself. The dialogue is excellent, though the speech was a bit confusing. The reasoning behind her decision is well thought out, and having to explain it to Atton gives us a glimpse into her mind. Pick of the week. And when it all becomes too much... Darth Chibi TSL after Dantooine: The Exile ponders what she will do next. The piece is short. So short in fact that I was left feeling there should be more. A well done vignette. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Thank you for reviewing "Vremya" and selecting it as one of your noteworthy Picks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Unfinished Tales: Forked Bee Hoon Just after the Mandalorian wars: The soon to be Exile and Kavar both consider the future. The piece is well done, each first person section is clearly defined. Pick of the week Vincible Tysyacha Set in the legacy series: Jaina trains on Mandalore with Boba Fett. The piece is well done, and interesting to read. The Wrong Path Darth Visilius Set in the interim between TSL and The Rise of Darth Bane: A pair of Jedi face something they had not considered. The basic structure is good, though as Rev7 already pointed out, it needs polishing. So, for the first time to you at least; reread, edit rewrite, and polish. The story was interesting. The idea that a fallen Jedi has to lead the Sith is well explained. Welcome to the forum, and here’s your first Pick of the week. Radi Dvyx ("For The Sake of Two") Tysyacha After TSL: Sequel to Vremya, the Exile gets a job? The piece is as good as the first section. Well worth the read. Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest Tysyacha One of the funnier pieces I have read in quite a while. You might have noticed I praised all your pieces this week but didn’t give you a pick of the week on any. There’s a reason for that. You’re getting only one pick but it’s for all three. The Fate of the Galaxy Hacker Writer Imperial Era: From the March ‘The things we do for love’ Challenge, A hacker gets sentenced. Now this was interesting Writer. You set the scene well, had the interrogator work with casual efficiency, and the only sticking point is like others have already mentioned, it’s only a prologue. I never vote on the contests as I have said several times, but I would have voted for this one. Pick of the week Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life Lord Nihilus Set in the interim before TSL: From the March ‘The things we do for love’ Challenge, The planet Katarr attack, and Visas’ capture. There were problems that could have been repaired by editing. You used the wrong words some times Scull (row) instead of skull, that kind of thing. All of which would have been easily corrected. The basis is good, just needs some tweaking. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan In the End DarthBubbles KOTOR At the attack on the Star Forge: Revan worries about more than dying… The characters are well portrayed the situation well defined. It was light and airy as angel food cake, and just as delightful. Poisoned Past, Perilous Future Bobgens001 KOTOR on the Rakata Home world after the Star Forge: Can Revan ever return? The style is good, the scene well laid and the conflicting emotions perfect. I did agree that it is the same basic scene from the game, but it was exceedingly well done. Now spread your wings and give us something even more interesting. Pick of the week Who I Am Blaine Averre KOTOR During the climactic battle on the Star Forge: Struck by doubts, can Marianna Revan Cast accept who she is now? The piece flows well, and the scene is one little touched by most authors. Having the machine pick what kind of person she had become was an interesting twist I liked. Saga of Faces Aster Corbett During KOTOR: Carth’s thoughts. The piece is well laid out, the view inside Carth’s mind well done. Remnants of Who We Were TWiNkLeT TSL, The tomb on Korriban: What is inside you? The scene is relatively well done, but generic. All in all though well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Hit me extra hard and inspire me to write several pieces this week, the Force did. Thank you for selecting all three of my stories as "picks", I most enthusiastically do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Thanks so much for the kind comment and the pick of the week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 and the only sticking point is like others have already mentioned, it’s only a prologue. Thanks, Mach. The story's coming. I promise you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 11, 2008 Author Share Posted April 11, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center End of a War; Beginning Anew Darth Visilius Sequel on to The Wrong Path: The Jedi are unable to find out what is happening… Remember when making a noun possessive, you have to add ‘s or s’ when it is plural or ends in ‘s‘. So foes life should have been foe’s life. The dialogue is a bit stilted, and the action sequences too compressed. Remember to edit for flow. To save time, I am doing the next two simultaneously: Taak Rising Part 1 and Taak Rising Part 2 Taak Farst Part 1 One problem almost immediately. An officer does not have time to be the medic for a unit as well. Also most officers are going to be more upset by his men running from battle than a wounded man. Saving a life is important, but it has to be secondary to command responsibility. As an example, Robert Heinlien used the example of the Chesapeake versus the Shannon during the war of 1812. The commanding officer was wounded, and a midshipman left his post to take the man below. While he was gone, every officer senior to him was either killed or wounded badly enough that it left the 15 year old boy in command. The court of inquiry ruled that as the senior officer, he was derelict in his duty as commanding officer. Second, why is your hero shooting up ships from his own side? You don’t start shooting up your own vessels unless there is no alternative. Part 2; The story was going all right until you decided to have a Millennium Falcon prototype. This caused me to jar to a stop. Think of it this way: The Trojan War is about to start, and Achilles is recruited. The Myrmidons board the Queen Elizabeth II… The ship is 4,000 years in the future. You used the wrong word in the fight at the Academy, because silence is broken, not broke. Commentary on both: The action is too compressed. You’re rushing the story. Think of a river. Instead of a steady flow, you’re creating rapids that make the reader actually have to slow down when they read it. Slow down the action, allow it to flow more naturally. Also your dialogue tends to be stilted. In the first section of part 1, it was all right, since you’re in a battle but the trend continued. I know it sounds crazy, but write it out, then read it aloud. You will notice immediately where action and dialogue doesn’t feel right. Then correct it. And as I say to every new kid (And quite a number of older writers including myself) reread edit rewrite polish, repeat until smooth. Svetlie ili Tyomnie? ("Light or Dark?") Tysyacha Sequel to Radi Dvyx: Trying to find a better job can be… frustrating It’s disadvantageous. The story flowed well, and kept my interest. Good work Pick of the week. The Big Swoop-id Race Tysyacha KOTOR on Taris: Sequel to Dumb, Dumber, and Dumbest, the swoop bike race I was chuckling by the time I finished it. The piece fits perfectly into the other two. The ’hero’ comes off more and more like the idiot of the group in my opinion, but hey, it works for me. Pick of the week. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan: Amazing Rina Delwynn After Revan‘s return: A day of remembrance. The style is good, the story and scene well done. You did what I always tell people to do when using an existing holiday; make it new and different. I was almost wondering if you were going to add the line from the Vogel song Waltzing Mathilda. Pick of the week. What happens next? (Chapter1) Mara Jade Skywalker TSL: A brief interlude with the Exile and Atton, originally reviewed 5 January 2007 that review still stands: After the confrontation on Malachor: An interlude between Atton and the Exile The scene flows well, and is amusing in it’s own way. The Exile not sure if she should kill him or kiss him at one point is a nice touch. Reprise Pick of the Week. The Twenty-Third Sub-Basement, Part I JediDWH After TSL: A character comments on her version of reality, if you can call it that… The story started out a bit weird but once it started rolling I almost fell over laughing. Having all of these sub-plots running through my own head at times, I not only understood where the author was going, but could almost see where it might be going. Hey, JediDWH, how about you send me the complete work? That way I can get a chance to read it. Pick of the week. Cave's Echo Alexandra Originally reviewed 19 January 2007. Original review below During KOTOR: Revan feels a link to the future and marks a path for those that follow. The style is good, the wording a bit stilted, but it flows well and needs only polishing. The biggest problem I have with the DS/LS argument is the way people look at the sides. If you are Dark Side you automatically revel in every possible debauchery while your light side opponent can’t even think about it because it will turn them to the darkside. You go directly from St Francis of Assisi to Vlad the Impaler with no middle ground. Not everyone does this, but it does irk me and this work brought it to the fore. Good stuff, Alexandra. Reprise Pick of the week. The Huntress' Redemption TWiNkLeT TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Some memories of Mira The piece is good. It doesn’t follow the basic story but that isn’t a negative, only a comment. Keep it up. Ghosts of the past-Chapter One The Disciple PreKOTOR: The battle of Malachor V. Some cumbersome sentences and words. It’s command not commandership, and the words out of in ‘from out of Republic space’ are redundant. The basic are good, the only stumbling block the question someone else asked; who threw her in that life pod? Well done. Moping in the Dark Animeangel TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Can Atton tell the truth about himself? The piece is interesting in the setting more than anything else. Having Atton act like a teenager moping about (Which fit the way he was acting) was choice. Nicely done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted April 11, 2008 Share Posted April 11, 2008 Once again, you made my day. Thanks, Mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 18, 2008 Author Share Posted April 18, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Teachings of a Mandalore JediMaster12 During KOTOR: A little advice about love from Canderous The piece flows well, the scene interesting in that the advice is delivered with a beating. Davik Kang's Going DOWN!!! Tysyacha KOTOR on Taris: Sequel to The Big Swoop-id Race: The incident in Davik Kang’s abode with a twist… Usually I get irritated when people when they link the game into the fiction directly, but the screaming to pause when the hero find a ‘hot’ Sith among the slaves was just too good. The main character is still too ridiculous for words, but that is what makes this little piece so much fun. Odin Podarok, Pyat' Sudyeb: "One Gift, Five Destinies" Tysyacha After TSL: Sequel to Svetlie ili Tyomnie? "Light or Dark?", Now where do we go? In one sentence you have dialogue that sounds like both are speaking. If so, you forgot a conversation break. The basics are good, the story flowing along well. More please. You did it again. A shared pick of the week Afraid Uilleand KOTOR on the Star Forge: Told mainly in flashbacks, Revan explores fear. The style is up to you usual standards, and well worth the read. You explored (in a manner similar to the one I used in my KOTOR) the one thing that has consistently bugged me about the Jedi attitude. How can you deal with emotions without understanding and accepting them? Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light side Exile Forced Bonds Codename SAILORV TSL after Korriban: The exile dreams of her last meeting with Revan and Malak. An interesting perspective on why the Exile is able to begin her bonds with others. I did enjoy the way you made Malak more human, and the idea that Revan would have erased her memory fits in. Well done. Pick of the week. Prologue: Into the Dusk TWiNkLeT Originally reviewed back in February of 2007. The original review is below. After KOTOR: Revan leaves but not without regrets. The story is nicely done, and the way it ends is really good. It doesn’t follow canon, since Revan had both HK and T3 with her when she left, along with the ship itself, but I wouldn’t have noticed it if someone hadn’t gifted me with a copy of TSL back in July for my Birthday. Reprise pick of the week Emptiness Part 1 Revangoddess After Malachor V: Revan makes her move, forcing the Exile to decide. You used the wrong word sometimes. Bare (without covering) instead of bear(carry). This is an editing problem so it is no biggie. The story was well done. The only thing that disturbed me, mainly in moving away from the basic game itself was why both the Exile and Bao-Dur would later consider themselves responsible when someone else caused the super-weapon to fire when it did. Carousing Vlork Before the Jedi enter the Conflict: How did the Jedi get away without being noticed? All of the editorial comments I can think of have been stated by others, so I will only say, reread, edit, rewrite polish until smooth. That said, I don’t know what I expected, but what I got was choice. The pece is amusing, the logic of the young Knights as to why the masters needed to learn solid, and the outcome outrageous. Both the method for gaining permission (Having dealt with a hung over superior before, I know it would work) and the almost childish tone of the note were perfect. Pick of the week. Reverie of Darkness RogueLadySabyne TSL Enroute to Dxun: Atton shows his dark side with a twist… As I have said before, the evil Atton stories so far have been few and far between, but this one surprised me with the ending. It was well done, and both parts while diametrically opposite, are worthy of attention. Pick of the week. Acid Etched Elena TSL After battle of Citadel Station: What is the Exile offering to Bao-Dur? The piece was well done except for a few forgotten conversation breaks. This of course is an editing problem. Just remember to reread edit and rewrite, and this will be cured. The story was excellent. Having the Exile come on to him is balanced perfectly by his unwillingness to accept the offer. Both characters are made more real and human by this vignette. Pick of the Week Drunk Actualities Revan’s Pet Duck TSL Trapped on Malachor V: A sequel to Drunk Realities. It is said misery loves. Never thought being drunk had the same problem… The scene flowed well. The only problem I had was the timing of the event. All in all a good funny read. Feeling of Freedom Alexandra TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A sense of Freedom is something to be nurtured. Anything negative has already been said, so there is no need to repeat it. The scene flowed well, the argument happening in a free flow that was excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Vremya, Opyat' "Time, Again" Tysyacha After TSL: Sequel to "One Gift, Five Destinies", How much does your companion need to know? You used the term half-so, which confused me when I first read it. Partially would have been better. Not as good as the last few, kid, but nicely done. Teh End, or The Party's Over Tysyacha KOTOR On Taris: The end of the "I'm Here for the Party" series, The escape from Taris, and our hero is still kvetching… The primary problem I had with this one was it was too short. The piece fits in with the rest, and is amusing to read. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Birthday Cake Tatooine92 KOTOR On Tatooine: A surprise birthday party has some unexpected side effects… The piece is nicely done, and just fluffy enough to be enjoyable. There are Gizka Aster Corbett KOTOR Enroute to Dantooine: When in doubt, compose a poem? The piece is well done, fluffy and cute. Sorry, though, just not to my tastes. Light Side Female Exile Data Packets of Love Raven Chick123 TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Did she really see it? The piece was sort of silly, and fun to read. Nicely done and leaving you wondering if it was true. Pick of the week A double eternity Nadia Originally posted March 9th 2007, original review below: Set two or more years after TSL: Carth and Atton limp toward Manaan expecting to find their Jedi lovers and discover so much more. Minor word use problems mainly in terms. Calling a Selkath ‘man’. The writing is a bit stilted but that is what editing and proofreading is for. Other wise well done, Note on Canon: The only ones we see use telepathy are Kreia, the Exile and Mira during one scene. The Force bond between Revan and Bastila were never explained as telepathy, only that they would ‘know’ what the other was thinking about. So I don’t know if this would really fit into the canon. Reprise Pick of the Week. I will not forget Aminta Jae Originally posted March 9th 2007, original review below: Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile recieve the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love. The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough. Reprise Pick of the Week First Few Steps Lady of Arrakis TSL after Nar Shaddaa: One word can push all the wrong buttons… The piece was good, though you had some word usage problems. Read instead of red, that kind of thing. Nothing that rereading and editing won’t cure. The reason behind her problem is excellently portrayed, the way Atton reacts to the tale charming. The end is humorous as well. Pick of the week. Undivided Attention Elena TSL after Nar Shaddaa: The things you do to calm a friend down… The piece has some funny twists, the idea of not having such an obvious place for him to keep the family jewels just the most obvious. Having him get blindsided was my favorite scene. A Timeless Moment Drask Damak TSL Nar Shaddaa after Atton’s revelation: Take a chance Atton! The piece is well written, a choice vignette with an excellent name. Pick of the Week. Her Revan’s Pet Duck TSL After Dantooine: The Disciple wishes to more that the knight sans per, sans reproache… The piece is an interesting view from within the Disciple’s mind. The unrequited love is well portrayed. Escape Alexandra TSL Aboard Goto’s Yacht: A bit of tit for tat between the Exile and Atton. An interesting piece, with a lot of fun attached. Very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 Teachings of a Mandalore JediMaster12 During KOTOR: A little advice about love from Canderous The piece flows well, the scene interesting in that the advice is delivered with a beating. Where is the love? Just kidding. Thanks again for the review. I worked quite a bit on this one. I wanted something about Canderous since his character has grown on me in many ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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