Astor Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know. No problem, mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 For anyone interested, the day this is supposed to be posted is my birthday. I will be 55 when I wake up tomorrow, and I am going to try to have some fun. Coruscant Entertainment Center The Transdimensional War Arcesious Sequel to The Great Dark War: A massive invasion rocks the dimension. The basics are good if a bit hurried in the work. Remember to edit and reread. Technical: The ship you had in the first work was huge but the enemy ships are beyond any suspension of disbelief. A Parsec is 3.26 light years (About forty trillion kilometers, yet you have ships listed as being mega parsecs in length, (a million parsecs). The command ship you so lovingly describe is a needle in comparison. The smallest problem with these ships I see is that except for the galactic rim, even the smallest ship wouldn’t even be able to turn, let alone maneuver. UNTITLED WORK IN PROGRESS Tysyacha Non SW Fiction: A girl tells her journal everything… The piece flows well, the society lovingly detailed. The main character fits well within it. I agree with Arcesious that a little action wouldn’t hurt, but there is something to be said for a nice quiet stroll. Pick of the week. Letter to a .... Friend? Mr. BFA After KOTOR on Korriban: A final letter. The piece is short, so short in fact that I felt it wasn’t proper to judge it by itself, so… What NOT to say or think. And… Here we go... At first it was a bit confusing, but once I read the second part then third part I found myself giggling. The ‘unexpected’ comment reminded me of Lionell Fenn who had a character comment on the name ‘Bambi’ to a female character who spends the rest of the book demanding the reason her father gave her a boy’s name. Pick of the Week Tython Ties 2: Deathpact Ztalker On Nar Shaddaa No specific era though it looks like TSL: A fugitive flees the Sith The piece is short, but the character is well defined in an almost chiaroscuro manner. Very well done so far. The Noobaholics Arcesious Non-SW Set in Halo online game: A team gets together The piece is cute, fluffy, the characters ridiculous. I liked it a lot. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan Revan's Thoughts Jedi Revan87 PreKOTOR Right before the capture of Revan: The Dark Lord ponders on an old flame. There are problems but the other people who have commented before me have already told you what I would have said. Always remember to reread and edit your work. The work needs editing a polishing more than anything else. Good work. Light Side Female Exile "Forgive Me" Katara Ironarm TSL After Victory on Malachor V: What price victory? The piece is short, poignant, and cuts right to the quick. Well worth reading. Pick of the Week. A Box of Lies Kiraboros Over at KFM, Our little JM12 is known as Kiraboros. She posted the same story here and like any that didn’t get the nod, she comes up here. My previous review from Lucasforums is below: TSL: The exile is upset with Atton being himself. The piece was a bit confusing with it’s flashbacks, but it flowed well, and kept you reading so it works well. Reprise Pick of the Week. Impure Pazaak Jedi Chick TSL No specific planet given, but after Nar Shaddaa: A friendly card game becomes a comedy of errors. The piece is light and fun. Some of the scenes were funny for other reasons. Atton’s underwear for example. The ending scene was perfect. Pick of the Week Surprises- New Allies, Chapter 1 Jedi Rowan Back in August of 2007 I read this and forgot to post to the thread. So… Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity. Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people. The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work. Reprise Pick of the Week. The Exile and the Fool Karapeters TSL After climactic battle on Malachor V: The Exile finally decides. The piece was a bit odd at the start, with no specific link as to what was occurring. When Bao Dur arrived however, it clicked into place. The ending scene was excellent, the last line perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Well Happy Birthday mach! I hope that you do have a fun day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 For anyone interested, the day this is supposed to be posted is my birthday. I will be 55 when I wake up tomorrow, and I am going to try to have some fun. Well, happy birthday *old man*. Have a fun one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Look, I made a birthday thread just for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Look, I made a birthday thread just for you. ROTFLMAO. I did like the sexy stormtrooper, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Vybory (Choices) Tysyacha Post TSL: 12th chapter of the Vremya series. The situation becomes dire with future menace. The shift in emphasis is intriguing. The story is flowing well, and by breaking it up like this pretty much guarantees I’ll read it all. Pick of the week. Zolushkina Dochka (Cinderella's Daughter) Tysyacha Non SW fantasy: Happily ever after is not the end. The piece was fun, but having Cinderella become the stuck up prig was a bit much. Still it was good. The Sithidiom Aristotelesticus Star Wars Prehistory: In the beginning… The wording tends to be cumbersome, events happening too rapidly. Remember to reread and edit to polish. Yuthura Ban Story Blackie KOTOR Beginning on Korriban: Yuthura Ban leaves Korriban, dreaming of returning to the order. A lot of people have already commented and their words echo what I would have said. So I’ll concentrate on the one thing I always say… Reread and edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth. And remember those conversation breaks. A Matter of Death; a Wild West story Dark Knight of Keno Non SW Fiction: The stage is set for revenge The basics are a bit good if bland. You forgot some punctuation, and the work needs polish. My primary disagreements are technical and historical. First cattle wasn’t a major industry except for south of Missouri, so driving them to be delivered to New Orleans is roundabout. Kansas City (Both in Missouri and Kansas) was the usual ending point for a cattle drive since the transcontinental railroad ran through there. And before that the rail lines east of the Mississippi were already there to be used. I mentioned direction because most cattle was and still is shipped from Texas. Second, after the War Between the States the South was not disarmed and demilitarized except for cannon. Several hundred thousand rifles issued to Confederate soldiers were still in use for the sole purpose of hunting. When Lee surrendered at Appomattox, Grant required the enemy soldiers to promise to never fight against the Union again, and allowed them their arms because at that time, hunting for the pot was a major part of the diet. That means knowing where there was a cache of weapons would not be a major treasure. The Crownless King Sabretooth Non SW Fiction: An interesting conversation after the fact as it were… I am never surprised by Sabretooth’s work. It is proficient, creating the landscape and background with a few brushstrokes and the foreground is clean and crisp against it. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan Misconceptions Jaina Solo PreKOTOR: There are more way to break someone’s will. The one thing I liked about this is the cogent arguments for the dark side compared to the Jedi way. It reminds me of the EU book Dark Rendevous where two different Sith, Dooku and Ventress voice their views and the young woman’s argument was more intelligent and thought out than the older man’s. Excellent Pick of the Week Light Side Female Revan Everyone is strange... Darth Mettiz KOTOR no specific portion except that it is after Kashyyk: The world is different seen through someone else’s eyes. This was a cute bit of fluff with a lot of gentle poking fun at the world seen through Zaalbar’s eyes. Others have commented and each had decent points. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile Fever Dream - Chapter 1 VaguelyFamiliar PreTSL: The Exile exists rather than living. The grinding misery of existence portrayed would make you wonder if anything in the characters life went well. I found myself feeling that maybe she needed some kind of slack. Definition of Love Darth Jedi Master PreKOTOR: How they feel needs explanation, and Revan has the answer. The biggest problems were the author’s notes, which distracted the reader. Try to cut back a bit, k? The story itself was excellent because you can see the two sides of love in Malak and Mical’s reactions under the same circumstances. Like a lot of people I don’t like the Disciple and even went so far as to get the Handmaiden Mod to avoid adding him to the group. But here I actually felt sorry for him. Pick of the Week Accidental Oblivion Taokan Posted 7 Sept 2007 After TSL: The patient wait continues... The style is good, the story well done. My only complaint is that it is too short. Reprise Pick of the Week To Hell and Back, I Will Follow You, Prologue Jetis PreTSL: Exile begins in the heart unfortunately Only one other person has commented, and that is sad. The piece really needs only editing and polishing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Aye, thanks for the review, good critic. Good to know that someone got around to reading that darn tale. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Fall of Midnight Rueben Shan Non SW fiction: To hunt of become the hunted? The basics are good, albeit short. The primary problem I had was why would the son of a family of vampire hunters ignore the fact that he is consorting with the enemy? As mortal enemies, I could see either group eliminating the other, and using that knowledge to do so should be second nature. Of course human nature might win out. Vynn Drax: Down Time Astor Kaine 15 years after the battle of Yavin: Just a look at the life of an intelligence field agent. The writing is excellent, needing polishing primarily. You did tend to forget conversation breaks but I do it too. That’s why I constantly rail at all you kids to edit. Pick of the Week. The Tales of Roma and Delphus TriggerGod During Legacy Period: A split personality Jedi… An interesting concept. The basics are good but you’re forcing the story, making things happen too rapidly. Some things, such as the ‘death’ holocron need a bit of explanation we didn’t get. The idea of a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ personality doing their own things was a very intriguing way to deal with the conundrum. Welcome to the forum. Soldat v Mire? (Soldier of Peace?) Tysyacha After TSL: Part 13 of the Vremya series, an interesting turn for a warrior. The piece is excellent as always, Tsy. I have to disagree with Rev though. The thing is true warriors abhor useless battles. There is no more pacifistic group than the professional soldier. They want their deaths to matter, and dying in a useless battle is the worst possible death. Pick of the week. A Forsaken Path Mr. BFA After TSL: The Exile has to go, but not without telling someone why The piece is good, the comments by others aimed at correcting what I had noticed was wrong with it. Just long enough to satisfy. Pick of the week Snapshots Of a Fall Emalin During Tsl beginning on Citadel Station: What if the Council was right? Having never played a dark side character (Except for one where I went through everything except the confrontation with Bastila on the temple by being the nice guy) I hadn’t written the fun stuff, for as Alan Rickman among others has pointed out, the bad guy gets the best lines. While Atton isn’t sure why he helped, it fits with the explanation the Council gave later, and worked well with the situation. Pick of the week. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan The Second Best CaptainCrunch KOTOR on Tatooine: Sometimes you have to accept second best. The piece is good primarily because while anyone would admit that Canderous has to have feelings, most of us aren’t willing to address them. It is well written and give everything in a smooth flow. Pick of the week. Light Side Female Exile Aftermath, Chapter 1 Even Gods Dream TSL on Malachor V: What do you do when the adventure is over? The piece is short and sweet. The last line was perfect. Pick of the Week. Confessions of a Dancing Twi'Lek on Atton "Jaq" Rand Katsabre During TSL: An old acquaintance of Atton remembers him with her dreams shattered. The piece goes through the relationship in a manner that has you feeling sorry for the Dancer. The worst though is her desperate hope that there is meaning to it. Pick of the week Darkness of the Heart MasterJoe TSL on Korriban: What lies in the Disciple’s heart? For the first time I liked the Disciple. It isn’t that I like the dark side it’s the Idea that somewhere inside that smarmy attitude there’s a human being. The others have given you advice. Mine is to remember to edit. Pick of the Week Dxun fever Nadia TSL aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific time given: Atton’s bed side manner… The story is touching. The Exile and Atton come across too tentative to try, and having them in bits and pieces of dialogue make each other comfortable was a nice touch. Very well done. Pick of the Week. A tender moment of trust... RavenRand16 TSL After Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s confession. The author calls it a bit of fluff, and I agree. The praise for the emotional content is excellent as is the content itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Thank you for the reviews Mach. I had totally forgot about the "Letter to a ... Friend," shorties, so thanks for reviewing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emalin Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Wha-a-a-at? Mach hasn't played on the Dark Side? You need to! It's wicked fun (well, most of the time - sometimes it made me want to cry) and yields some terrific story fodder. The "snapshot" I wrote actually happens in-game if you kill the apartment owner on Citadel Station while Atton's in your party. I just took that moment and ran with it. Btw, thanks for the review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 Wha-a-a-at? Mach hasn't played on the Dark Side? You need to! It's wicked fun (well, most of the time - sometimes it made me want to cry) and yields some terrific story fodder. The "snapshot" I wrote actually happens in-game if you kill the apartment owner on Citadel Station while Atton's in your party. I just took that moment and ran with it. Btw, thanks for the review! My problem with the dark side is that people determine what is dark and light by their own attitudes, as I do. Others use what they have been taught so you have people who decide that professional soldiers such as mercenaries are automatically evil. Many thanks to this attitude to my namesake. What people forget is that Machiavelli was telling his 'prince' how to control the state by taking all of the reins. It is a sad fact that people quote him as an authority when the condottierrie had the best record for fighting for not against their paymasters. The historical mercenaries of the 20th century have fought consistently for anti-communist guerillas in countries ill equipped to resist them. One organization in the 90s fought so well that 500 men were able to force a 5,000 (estimated) man guerilla force in Sierra Leone had to request UN assistance. The UN stepped in, ordered the Mercenaries out, and put UN peacekeeping troops in, and the guerillas promptly restarted their offensive and kept 15,000 UN troops occupied until the turn of the millennium. My version of why Revan went to the dark side only because her desire to protect the Republic required the assistance of the Sith. This fell apart when Malak attacked her, and the Sith slid back to the true darkside. This I call the 'when needs must' form of sliding, and doesn't make you go from a loyal knight to a murderer of children (Anakin's fall). What I'd like to do is try to run a game where I come out directly in the middle going neither dark nor light. Any one done that? Oh, whatever prize time. Does anyone know when the last verified Mercenary revolt (Trying to overthrow the government that hired them) occured? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 mach, I must again thank you for the Pick of the Week, as you and Rev7 seem to be the only two who are actually responding to my "Vremya" series! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Thanks for the review, mach! I'll be adding some more parts soon, as i've neglected it for far too long! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Triumvirate Wars TheExile After KOTOR: Snippets of the war against the Sith. The writing is disjointed, as is the story. Even a battle, while chaotic, has a flow to it. The primary problem is that the ‘battle’ at the base was poorly planned. I liked the two tier plan with the liquid explosives and the droids but the gizka trap made no sense in either timing or execution. Also, a soldier’s load out going into combat is very scientifically designed to balance weight and necessity. A crew served weapon such as a mortar requires four men, two carrying the dismantled weapon, two carrying only eight rounds of ammo, each carrying 120 rounds of ammo for a rifle, that weapon and food for three days. Fifteen men could carry only three which would not be ‘all’ a large base might have, since the standard battery is 4-6 tubes. It would have made more sense to booby trap and leave them. But as a first work it isn’t bad. Just remember to edit and polish. The Quest for Revan Burnseyy After TSL: The survivors of Malachor V try to reorganize. You have some word usage problems but not as much as last time. Resilience (Pliancy) instead of resistance (trying to stop) speeds instead of speed. The basic story is excellent, the emotional content of part one perfect. This is worth reading. Pick of the Week Shrouded in Darkness: Yuthura Ban's Tale Darth Yuthura KOTOR on Korriban: Yuthura’s return to the light begins its rocky start. The writing is excellent, the story compelling. My primary problem with it is I don’t have time to read all of it. DY had asked two weeks ago for me to read and critique this… But everyone commenting stopped me from getting to it earlier. It was worth the wait, but at the same time frustrating, because it is that good. Pick of the week. Mistakes of the Heart Darth Stephanie Non SW fic: The ramblings of an old man becomes important to a young reporter. Remember quotation marks. Nothing was wrong with the work that cannot be cured by simple editing, so remember my mantra reread, edit, rewrite, polish, and repeat until perfect. The piece had some problems with it. Were the head crabs the enemy, and if so what was the scourge itself? The main character’s skills suggest a weapon like a bomb rather than a biological one, but beyond that I don’t have a clue from this as to what was used to end that war. KOTOR III: The True Sith Sarpedon2 Some odd word usage detracting from the flow. ‘cit’ which made no sense, alit instead of alight or ablaze. The basic work is good and needs editing more than anything else. Technical note: what was the enemy using to conceal their vessels? There has to be something, either a special paint job with senor absorbing material, or a magnetic field of some kind to disrupt them. Remember in TESB when Han pulls the grappling bit on the Star Destroyer? The first thing the commander thinks about is that the ship is too small to carry a cloaking device. Otkrytiya (Revelations) Tysyacha Post TSL: Chapter 14 of the Vremya series, The truth of the Operative is revealed. Another great chapter Tys. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Oi, Offworlder! Zita KOTOR on Manaan: An additional member on the party against the Sith Embassy. Alternate Universe. An interesting take on the scene, and the additional character would make the game from that point on intriguing. Sparring Match Captain Crunch PreKOTOR: There are many ways to spar… The piece surprised and delighted me. By jerking you from one point to the other as the author did caught me by surprise. I did not anticipate what was going to occur, and that is most of my delight. I hate being able to figure what that next line is going to be. The ending was so outrageous and fit well. Worth reading. Pick of the Week KOTOR : A New Beginning Chapter 1 and 2 VampireOrchid KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: A new view of our favorite character The piece is nice, the character coming off the page beautifully. There were problems, but nothing that editing couldn’t cure. A word about the spell checker programs… remember that they assume you know what word you mean and approximately how it is spelled. As an example, John Sanford in Invisible Prey makes a comment where three different reporters were trying to say an arrest was imminent, and only one used the correct word. One used immanent, the other eminent. Pest Control Charamei PreKOTOR: Young Apprentices deal with a problem in their own way The piece is both sweet and disturbing. I understand the two trying to deal with the problem a little too well, and having them unsure of what the words mean is a bit of fun. Very well done. Pick of the Week. Blood and Tears Spud Head TSL on Malachor V: Atton’s death causes unexpected repercussions. The piece is dark and foreboding, making you shiver at the sudden change and why. Well worth reading whether light or dark. Pick of the week What hurts the most ( Songfic) Brianna1244 TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, but not before saying what he feels. I tend to not like song fics, but this is one of the best I’ve seen so far. Very well done. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Very much appreciated. What was your favorite part? I am flattered at the wording you used "...because it is that good." If you have any comments about earlier chapters, I'm still open to criticism. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarpedon2 Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 Thank for the comments on my story. Seemed I failed to notice the error in my grammar. I never really thought about the ships having cloaking device's. The description just came to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 15, 2008 Author Share Posted August 15, 2008 Very much appreciated. What was your favorite part? I am flattered at the wording you used "...because it is that good." If you have any comments about earlier chapters, I'm still open to criticism. Thanks. I only read the first two sections, yet that was good enough to deserve that accolade. As I also said, I don't have time to read it all going back and forth online. I am trying to write my own (If you noticed I have added to my fallow Birth of the Republic) If you would send it all to me, I will promise to do so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted August 16, 2008 Share Posted August 16, 2008 Cheers for the critique, machievelli. I'll work on those word issues. I tend to think words should work a certain way, even if they don't lol. Again, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 16, 2008 Author Share Posted August 16, 2008 Cheers for the critique, machievelli. I'll work on those word issues. I tend to think words should work a certain way, even if they don't lol. Again, thanks. Go ahead. A comedian of the 50s and 60s made an entire act of using the wrong word at the right time. Jokingly called a master of electrocution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 22, 2008 Author Share Posted August 22, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Death GodsillY Non SW Fiction: Desperate times call for desperate men. I noticed a comment by the author in the forward: Finally if you want to tell me what you think BE HARSH I can take it. Gee, thanks, not that I needed it. But most of you have never seen me in full teacher mode have you… Remember not to combine words not normally combined such as bestfriend. Watch for homonyms (Whether instead of weather their instead of there). The word you needed was prevent(Stop) not protect. You are using the wrong words sometimes, primarily because I think you’re letting the flow overwhelm you. When you used the word excused, I think you meant ignored. The piece flows but you’re rushing it a bit. The people whether political military or prison are believable. Style B-, above errors C+, Content A+ As for content I have only one other thing to say. Pick of the week The End of the Saga Istorian Post TSL: Remember conversation breaks. As Bee Hoon said (Are you trying for my job kid?) remember to reread, edit, rewrite and polish always. I do it even on works I haven’t worked on in years. (Both of my KOTOR novels have been reread and edited as recently as three months ago.) Technical: The biggest problems I had with the work are the ones Bee Hoon commented on. First, why send a Padawan to do a Master’s job? As much as your explanation makes sense of how he hid his ship, it runs right into military logic. Think about this: Boris Badenov flies his navalized Mig29 onto USS Harry Truman so he can spy on those nasty Americans. They’d search every landing bay at the same time. The boat bay officer (The one in charge of landing and placement Called the Landing Deck Officer aboard the ship above) would have had to record the landing and placement of any aircraft that has landed. The same man would have automatically had to arrange for refuel and resupply for that plane. The only logical way I could see for him to ‘slip’ aboard in a fighter would be if he hacked the computer, convinced it that the craft belonged there, I.E. Squadron assignment, that kind of thing. He’d have to be in disguise as one of their pilots as well. So if you have a fighter arrive, ground crewmen would be there to check it out, assuring everything is as it should be. When the command comes down to find it, the officer would know when it had landed, and know who to ask as to where it was. In ROTS they did it, but arriving on the deck in the middle of a battle would excuse that. Other than that, pretty good. Emperor's Dark Jedi ExzSoldier No specific time given, though assumed to be under Palpatine: A young Jedi gets a new assignment. Try to avoid using classes from the games. You don’t hear them in the movies, and it can confuse a reader. Except for the computer games, I have never played the RPG, and I vented on one writer a year or so ago because the names they assign can be stupid some times. Be clear on the fight scenes as well. You had her swing but then couldn’t seem to make up your mind what kind of strike she used. Read my KOTOR novel posting 42 where I describe the kata used by the Echani. If you have ever seen Conan the Barbarian, you can see the defensive spiral I call the Wheel. The basics are good and the story seems to flow well so far. A Dark Path Mr. BFA Post TSL: Revenge is a dish best not served. The only negative I have about this one is the last section when you suddenly said ‘This I know, but this I do not worry for. I worry for’. The usage is cumbersome and slowed what had been a good read up to that point. Imperial Military Police ExzSoldier Imperial Era: A snippet in the life of a Military policeman The basics are good, and most comments are technical. First, a military policeman is a rear echelon post. As an example The front line troopers use different rules of engagement. You’re allowed to react before being fired upon for example. Once the enemy is pushed out, then the military police come in and try to maintain order. The only time a military policeman ends up in a pitched battle like you describe is if he runs into guerillas or an enemy raid. The Huntress Burnseyy PreTSL on Nar Shaddaa: There are some jobs that pay so well… The biggest problem I had with the work was tossing in words that didn’t really fit. ‘assortment’ of credits, a ‘favorable’ drink. This happened more times than I cared to count. Remember to edit the work and make sure the word usage fit’s the situation. Inutile? What did you do, kid, swallow a dictionary? The descriptions as others mentioned are excellent. The situation (Beyond what I mentioned above) well crafted. kotorfanmedia I Never… Codename SailorV TSL Enroute to Onderon the second time: Do you really want to win? The story concept is beautiful, and the game well played. The irritation as each ends up revealing more than they might like, the playful ‘I’m only drinking because I’m thirsty’ comments excellent foils in a game that becomes increasingly more vicious. Pick of the week. Remember Revvie Post KOTOR: What if you had to live with what you had done? The piece was cold and dark, and I liked it a lot. The mysterious person who gifted Revan with the memories of what he had done is enigmatic and definitely a keeper. Pick of the Week Revan-The Untold Chapters 1 Ika89 During end of TSL on Dantooine: Revan reviews what he has done with his life. The only negatives I can think of have already been addressed by previous reviewers. The story is well done, the layout of the scene excellent. Very well done. Pick of the Week Ever The Same Cyber Cat A year after TSL: The heroes of both games make their final stand The piece is excellent, the only problem I had was the line ‘the night passed’ suggesting several hours. Without that one line it would be perfect! Pick of the Week Boys Will Be Boys TWiNklet TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A boy’s night out worth remembering The basic idea has problems, which I addressed at Lucasforums The Expert’s forum post 118. For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old. You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious. That said, an excellent story well worth reading. Pick of the Week Letting Go Nivenus TSL On Dxun During the attack on Freedon Nadd’s tomb: Sometimes the past will keep you down. The piece is well written, the background on Mira is well done. The story well worth the read. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnseyy Posted August 22, 2008 Share Posted August 22, 2008 What did you do, kid, swallow a dictionary? Maybe. >_> Thanks again for the critique. I'm working on the word issues as we speak, and hopefully my next chapter will be improved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Ah, bugger. I hoped that I had kicked that cumbersome problem! I'll make sure to go back and edit that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Nah, I'm too lazy to want to critique everyone And you give good advice, which is why I repeat it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 29, 2008 Author Share Posted August 29, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Knights of the Old Republic III - Threat from the unknown. Carsew Post TSL: The battles begin again You’re using the wrong words sometimes (of instead of off). The basic descriptions are good but there are times when you’re using cumbersome sentences to do so. As an example ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic, black pants, black boots and a cloak with the hood pulled up, going to the ankles.’ would have been better if you had phrased it ‘She was wearing a black Dark Jedi tunic pants and boots with an ankle length cloak with the hood pulled up.’ These are all editing problems, so remember reread, edit, rewrite, polish. On a military vessel you don’t lock a door you seal it. In a situation where you have been boarded, you would not need to order a door sealed, you would have done it to every door except for the blast doors. On the whole what I read was good. Primarily as I said, it’s an edit and polish job. Welcome to the forum. Final Fantasy ShinRa's Regime ExzSoldier Non SW fiction set in FF7: You left out the apostrophe in I’m and for got to capitalize it. Question: since most of the F series is based on mythology, shouldn’t it be Midgard? Your wording in the training phase is cumbersome. Watch the start of SEAL training in G.I. Jane for an example and as much as Starship Troopers kept the recruit crap, most military units drop it after you leave basic. Most of the work is good, but it needs more description, and editing. You mentioned you have problems with description, here’s my suggestion: look at a room, say a restaurant you’re in. Now get out a notepad, and make notes of the customers, the décor, the table settings. If this is too difficult, pick a person you see and pretend you have to tell the police about them. Once you’ve got the skill down, tone it down enough that you’re no longer describing a suspect, but now only giving the basics. Writing is more than ideas, it’s work to get the reader to ‘willingly suspend disbelief’ as a famous writer once said. Put' Otstupnika (The Way of the Renegade) Tysyacha Post TSL: Section 15 of the Vremya series, as the plot thickens can the team convince Revan to let them accompany him? The work is up to her usual standards, and the story is going very well. Keep it up. Pick of the Week A Daring Duty Lord of the Fish Set before Phantom Menace: Problems with homonyms, here instead of hear, that kind of thing. Remember conversation breaks. Without them you made a page two paragraphs. Also remember characterization. You have a Trandoshan speaking in a hale well met manner which doesn’t fit the racial attitude. The basics are good, so keep it up, and welcome to the forum. Mass Effect II: Reckoning Tysyacha and Corinthian Non SW fiction: The work is good, the primary problem I have is slipping into sort of a game description mode. The explanation of ‘blitzing’ for example. Also most prisons do not let you take weapons in. Even locked in cells, prisoners can find a way to get out, and a weapon where they can try to grab it is an invitation to disaster. That is why in prison riots the cons end up with shivs and clubs. The only place this would be normal is a military POW camp, because the guards do not have to have orders to shoot any armed prisoners, though if you look at the guard in footage of Guantanamo, they treat it like a medium to high security prison. A soldier would also snap to attention, and request permission to show her gymnastic abilities, especially if she’d just had a senior officer snap at her like you describe. Also drawing down on someone as the Asari does is a criminal offense under military law. Oddly the physical attack on her was also an offense. If she’s trained, an order to stand down should have been sufficient. If she had continued to draw, that is when the attack would have been allowed. The basics of the story are good so far, and the only problem is remembering to understand the military mindset. While castigating the Asari is correct, explaining why to the one who caused that offense is also proper. Also the wiping feet was a bit over the top. Pick of the Week The False Peace High On Pie 14 Five years after TSL: Misspelling names (Coruscant and Nar Shaddaa). The best way to correct the grammar is to use your spell checker, with the grammar feature activated. It will tag words that are not proper, and will suggest options. But ignore the ‘passive voice commentary, since most word programs are written with office writing in mind. I liked the small but interesting description of the bar, it gave me an excellent picture having been in a few bars like it. As much as you think Mandy is despicable, I kinda liked her. A pity I won’t have time to read it all the way through. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile Life For Rent Katara Ironarm TSL on Telos: A brief introspection and decision. The piece is interesting because most people don’t realize how free you can be with nothing left to take away. Excellent short. Pick of the Week At the End Spud Head Post TSL on Malachor V: After a life of pain, sometimes there is only one thing left to do. I had to wait before writing this review because I wasn’t sure what to say. There are words improperly used, cumbersome sentences, editing problems. That being said it was a perfect piece with all of the pain there for you to see, the balance between being the bad guy and at the same time regretting it inside an underlay that makes you wish it would never end. Well worth the read. Pick of the week. Loose Ends Dobraye Utra Post TSL: The crew of the Ebon hawk finds Revan and others on an unamed planet. The piece is good journeyman work. The banter among the crew played in an interesting manner, the banter between the crew and those who work with Revan in character. Well done. But really, both Brianna and Mical? Brrr. Into the Unknown, Chapter One: The Void Jin Won After TSL: Setting out only with the droids, the Exile begins her quest for Revan. The mystery element is well done, the explanation of why she travels in an as yet unnamed ship very well done. It is an intriguing piece well worth a look. An awakening from darkness part 1 chapter 2 Lisa8507 The Mandalorian wars: The Jedi gather to fight, seen through those we will soon love and hate. The calm before the storm feeling is well done, looking at those who go, and those that stay is reminiscent of every excellent ‘going off to war scene ever done. Pick of the Week. A Night Off Spud Head TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Playing hookey can lead to other things… The basic idea is generic for any fan of Atton’s but the method, both making the other jealous then well meaning advice then a rapturous embrace was so well done that it flowed from one to the other without a bobble. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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