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Second Contest: Story!

Boba Rhett

By Boba Rhett
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Eets Newbie

Eets

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Chapter 16: You're Not Getting My Bud Light...

 

 

"Arf ruff yip woof bark yip woof!" Said Eets. Darth Homer quickly fell to the ground in shock at the sight of a chihuaha wearing an orange tuxedo that looked like an over-stretched tangerine peeling.

 

"Florida." Wraith 5 said. "What?" replied Homer.

 

"He said Florida. He was replying to Rhett, who had just asked where we were going next." said Wraith 5.

 

Homer replied: "You know how to speak dog?!"

 

"Sure, you'll get the hang of it after a while."

 

Homer, who had by now gotten up off of the bus floor cracked another joke. "A talking dog... What'll they think of next, a microwave that makes popcorn?"

 

The whole busload just stared at him. Finally Rhett spoke up. "Okay, let's get going. It's at least an eight hour drive to Florida from here."

 

10 hours, 2 gas stops, 3 pounds of cheese, and 2.4 pringles cans later, they arrived in Florida.

 

*zzzzzzzzz..gnya...* "wh..where are we?!" Said Wraith 8 as he woke up. "It's so flat... so ugly!"

 

"We just arrived in Florida, we should be somewhere near jediduo's house.." Rhett said as he looked at a map that was blocking his view of the windshield.

 

"ARF! WOOF WOOF BARK YIP!" cried Eets as he tried to tear the map out of Rhett's hands.

 

"Who you callin' scruffy lookin'?" said Rhett as he finally gave up and let Eets take over the navigation.

 

"I believe he was referring to you, since the only other person here that can grow facial hair is Havoc, and he's busy going through your stack of adult literature..." replied Wraith 5 in a matter-of-fact kind of way.

 

"Wha?! Get out of there, man! I'll tell your wife if I have to!" Rhett yelled to Havoc. Havoc clutched his knees to his chest like an incestuous lovechild that forgot to take his medicine, chanting "My wife! My wife! My wife! My wife! I love my wife! She's the best person in the world! Yes sir, best person ever!"

 

As Sherack pried Havoc off of his own knees, he said: "I don't understand it... How can you let her whip you into submission like that?"

 

Havoc, who had by now gained control over himself replied: "Heh, well.. It comes with 'fringe benefits' *nudge nudge, wink wink*... heh..."

 

Sherack looked at him strangely. Havoc rephrased. "She may be a slavedriver to you, but being married means anytime.. anywhere..."

 

The strange look on Sherack's face continued. Finally Eets ran up and whispered into Sherack's ear. Sherack blushed and simply said: "Oh, I see now... She's good at dancing, huh? *wink*"

 

Havoc looked at him blankly and said: "Wow, you really are an ignorant french bastard.."

 

"Ugggghhh..." moaned Dash as he finally woke up from his cheese-induced hangover. "What time is it?"

 

"I don't know, the clock sort of broke when Eets got tired of Tie Guy's arguing a point that had something to do with rubber chickens. It's really funny how far a chihuaha can throw an average human..." replied Rhett.

 

"It's more frightening than funny," moaned Tie Guy as he groped his rib cage.

 

Everyone stopped to look at Eets, who was wearing a leather jacket and spiked collar, which was somewhat reminiscent of a bad Happy Days rerun. His left eye was twitching nervously as he stood with a "what the f*** do you think you're looking at, b****?" expression on his face.

 

Chase ran up to the front of the bus and started jumping up and down. "Rhett! Rhett! I did it! I did it!!!"

 

"Did what?"

 

"I used the pringles can all by myself!"

 

"Way to go Chase! I knew you could do it, just like that time I told you that you could fly! Did you remember to wash your hands?"

 

"Yep! I used this bottle of water." Chase as he held up an empty bottle with the words 'Jack Daniels' written on it.

 

"Chase, you IDIOT! That was my last bottle!!!" Rhett yelled as he tackled Chase to the ground. After the pummeling was over, Rhett was down on his knees, holding the empty bottle out in front of him. "My Booooze!" he cried, soberingly clenching the empty bottle to his chest.

 

By this time, everyone had turned to watch the fight. Suddenly someone got a bright idea. "Who's driving the bus?!" Cried Young David.

 

They all turned toward the driver's seat. Thrawn, who was on a high from eating too many cocoa-covered cheese puffs, was driving at an easy 130 MPH.

 

"Hi guys! Beautiful day for a drive, huh? Yeah, I love driving! It's the greatest thing since sliced bread! God, I love cocoa! Heh, hehehehehe, ehehehehhe! Say, do you want one of my cocoa-covered cheese puffs?!? No? Okay! Good! More for me! Eheeeeeeee!" He said as he started blasting an unknown Vanilla Ice song on his portable tape player.

 

Dash's ears perked up. "Did you say cocoa covered CHEESE puffs?! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!" He screamed as he dove for Thrawn's backpack full of hot cocoa packets. Immediately he began making cups of hot cocoa and dipping his spare cheese into the cocoa like any sane person would dunk a cookie into milk.

 

Just then, there was a loud noise coming from outside. I'll never forget the sound that night. The screechin tires, the bustin glass, the painful scream that iiiii heard last. Oh where oh where could my ba... *cough* anyway, let's get back to the story.

 

Where was I? Oh yes, a loud noise. Suddenly Thrawn screeched the bus to a stop. He had just hit someone's beat up Ford Festiva harder than Dash's mother could hit a cheese slice that called her names. Everyone got out of the bus to investigate the damage. By now, the car looked like a flattened cigarette carton.

 

Suddenly a shady figure came up to the group. "WHO IS THE DRIVER HERE?? WHO HIT MY CAR?" He yelled, with an angry look on his face.

 

Everyone except for Chase, who was busy playing with something that resembled a mouse trap, pointed at Thrawn.

 

The driver of the cigarette carton ran up to Thrawn and kissed him full on the mouth. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I hated that car so much, and I've been wanting to collect the collision insurance on it! My name's jediduo, what's yours?"

 

Thrawn just stood there looking like he had just crapped his pants, and by the smell of things, it could be assumed that he did.

 

Rhett, who appeared to be the least visibly shaken by the disturbing things he just saw, spoke up. "His name's Thrawn. It's a shame that people don't get to know each other better before doing things like that anymore. But anyways, my name's Rhett, and we're here to pick you up!"

 

As Rhett and duo discussed travel arrangements, Rommel was busy observing the local traffic. "I hate you Americans! What with your fast cars and easy women... You're all just a bunch of Amerisluts!" he said after having some woman's bra knock him to the ground.

 

Sherack quickly replied: "I know! Isn't America GREAT!?"

 

After a few minutes of the Canadian and the French/Quebecoix/Canadian's arguing over the pros and cons of America, Rhett finally yelled at them.

 

"Come on you two! You can discuss your prepubescent fantasies some other time! Get in the bus, we're leaving!" He yelled as he and a few others tried to stuff Thrawn, who looked like a human statue, back into the bus.

 

Rhett began humming the song "Ice Ice Baby", and set off for the open road.

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Sherack Nhar Newbie

Sherack Nhar

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Oh hey! We need to make a slight detour to pick up SH in Oregon!

 

And by the way, Eets, here's a little inconsistency that I spotted in your latest chapter:

"I believe he was referring to you, since the only other person here that can grow facial hair is Havoc, and he's busy going through your stack of adult literature..."
And here's an excerpt of your first chapter:
" Was the last thing Rhett heard before he saw a goateed man plastered on the windshield.

[...]

"You must be Sherack."

Think before you type, Eets! :D
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Havoc Stryphe Newbie

Havoc Stryphe

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Originally posted by Eets

Chase ran up to the front of the bus and started jumping up and down. "Rhett! Rhett! I did it! I did it!!!"

 

"Did what?"

 

"I used the pringles can all by myself!"

 

:rofl: HAHAhahahahah, that Chase cracks me up! HahahAHaHAHAhAH.....:eyeraise: wait a second...

 

Originally posted by Eets

"Wha?! Get out of there, man! I'll tell your wife if I have to!" Rhett yelled to Havoc. Havoc clutched his knees to his chest like an incestuous lovechild that forgot to take his medicine, chanting "My wife! My wife! My wife! My wife! I love my wife! She's the best person in the world! Yes sir, best person ever!"

 

As Sherack pried Havoc off of his own knees, he said: "I don't understand it... How can you let her whip you into submission like that?"

 

:animelol: Ha...uhuh...uh...haha That's...um...so funny...because it's...soooooo not true...yeah...that's it! *looks around nervously*

 

 

:lol: Great Chapter Eets!

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Eets Newbie

Eets

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Originally posted by Chase Windu

You do realize that I will kill you twice before you hit the ground don't you?

 

 

BTW, which is more entertaining: My character in the stories or my outbursts after I read about myself in the stories?

 

I'd like to see you try ;)

 

I'm not quite sure... The "slow aspect" is really funny, but seeing your reactions is great too. :D

 

Give him the avatar, Rhett! ^_^

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Artoo Newbie

Artoo

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OK guys, despite school I finally managed to get this thing up. Here goes my masterpiece. :D

 

Chapter 17: Who Was The Idiot That Named All These Towns

 

After waiting about 3 & ½ hours in Florida traffic (hey the people there are old. I mean come on! The Cadillacs are basically starter coffins!) they sped into Alabama. It was here that Wraith 5 discovered the bus’s manual. “Oh! Wait a minute. Do you guys wanna learn something?”

 

Everyone immediately replied, “No!” except for Chase who was busy trying to busy himself.

 

“Well too bad here goes anyway. Did you know that this bus’s original intention was to be a gargantuan war-machine that reigned death upon all the enemies of the land of the rising sun?”

 

Rhett whose little ears perked up like a child on the day of Christmas in Silicon Valley (no, I don’t know what that meant either, but it sure sounded cool) immediately exclaimed, “Did you say hore-machine!?!”

 

“No, no. War-machine,” answered Wraith 5.

 

“Oh,” replied Rhett.

 

“Wow Havoc! They even have a page in here about your wife!”

 

“Oh let’s hear it,” said Havoc.

 

“Let me see, should you encounter a ‘Havoc’s wife’ in the wild. There is only one thing you can do. See page 2876 Section AAA Article 45G. Ok then.” Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. “Here we go, get on your bony knees, and pray to whatever God you believe in cause boy, you gonna die,” stated Wraith 5, “that’s not very encouraging.” “Now back to something happier, did you guys know that there was a satellite T.V. in here!?!” he exclaimed.

 

“Where is it?” asked Homer, “the roof? Badda-Bing!”

 

“Will someone throw something at him and make it heavy,” said Rhett.

 

Immediately David, Leon and Wraith 9 tried to rip a seat out of the floor, pulling several muscles in their backs in the process. Eventually Eets just pulled some Dog-Fu on

Homer and left him lying there in a puddle of his own urine and vomit.”

 

Wraith 5 immediately cried out, “My God Eets! You killed him!”

 

Only one thing escaped from Homer’s lips, “I’m not dead.”

 

Havoc said, “Ok, I’ll indulge him just one time. Let’ see how did that line go again? Oh yes, Nonsense! You’ll be stone dead in a moment.”

 

“No you fool. I am in dire need of medical assistance,” said Homer.

 

“I don’t remember that line,” said Chase.

 

“You also don’t remember what your favorite color is,” said Rhett.

 

At this, Chase ran to the back of the bus saying, “I was sure it was purple! I was sure it was purple! Or was it Yellow? Or was it Yurple?”

 

It was then when TieGuy said, “Actually, I would classify him as ‘critically injured.’” And a large discussion ensued. Everyone finally quieted down or went to sleep except for TieGuy of course who was still making a point of some sort and Thrawn who was tanked on Cocoa and cheese. When they crossed the border into Arkansas. When they first entered the state, they realized how much better it looked than Alabama, Mississippi, or Florida.”

 

Leon was the first to exclaim, “Look at all the natural beauty!”

 

“The trees! The flora! The…” interjected David however he was unable to finish that sentence. For it was right then when he saw a man with more defects than a Hudson River Trout wearing nothing more than a John Deere hat, some patched overalls and, single left shoe. Due to the excessive fear the only person who did not scream like a little schoolgirl was Heavyarms who screamed could easily classified as a little Japanese schoolgirl’s. Granted, the overalls would not have been that bad however this man was in dire need of a bra (D Cup at least (or a Bro if you’ve seen that Seinfield episode)).

 

Rhett slowly pulled up to the yokel to hopefully ask for directions, but before he could say anything the man began talking, “Howdy ya’ll! I’m Lieutenant Guvenuh Asa Hutchison. The Guvenuh Mike Huckabee was gonna be here, but he was getin his formal overalls cleaned.” This was all the man could get out, before Rhett peeled out trying to get out of there.

 

“That was scary,” said Chase.

 

“Yes it was Chase, yes it was,” said Rhett.

 

As they neared Little Rock, they encountered a house stranger than all those they had passed. It had many cars in the yard, and none of them looked like they ran. But this was not the strange part. There were also many pieces of Star Wars memorabilia lying around along with several bicycles. All of a sudden a strange cloaked man exited the house. Suddenly the cloak flew up in the back as if a very loud stinky wind had blown through it followed by the sound of a bus backfiring. “Sorry guys.” Said the hooded man.

 

“Are you Darthfergie?” asked Rhett.

 

“Maybe I am, and maybe I ain’t, and maybe I kinda am except for… (insert fart noise here) fine yes, just let me in the bus.”

 

“Is that landspeeder over there?” asked Dash pointing to one of the hunks of metal in the yard.

 

“Very astute of you,” said Fergie, “it very well is. My dad even gave it a custom paint job,” he said beaming with pride at the Confederate flag painted on the hood. “And it even plays Dixie,” he said while pressing the horn. Immediately those on the bus heard that all too familiar strain of music.

 

“We’ve been hearing that for the last 2 states!” exclaimed C-dog. “What is the meaning behind it?” he asked.

 

“Well ya see,” replied Fergie, “there was a big war back in the day between the north and the south. And we whipped em. And this was our song we played all the while, so people now play it to remember the south.”

 

“Oh,” said C-dog as they headed down the road.

 

“Do you know how to get anywhere in this state? Your road system makes less sense than Rhett’s little brother at times,” said Thrawn.

 

“Well you better let me drive, cause you don’t know the back-road through Cotton Plant, or the shortcut through Toad Suck and straight to Pickle’s Gap,” replied Fergie.

 

After hearing the names of these towns Thrawn quickly conceded the driver’s seat and scurried his way to the back of the bus to avoid the smell emanating from Fergie.

 

After 45 minutes and passing through several very poorly named towns such as Guy and Smackover, they pulled up to a happy mid-class home seemingly in the middle of nowhere.

 

“Hey Artoo!” shouted Fergie, “You wanna go on a road trip?”

 

Immediately the door opened and a guy with a bad case of acne came out. But what was most unusual about this person was the little fuzzy plush doll he carried with him. “Yeah Buddy! You know I’m always up for a good road trip! Where is it this time, 56?” He suddenly held the little doll up to his ear. After a second he took the doll away, looked at it strangely and called out, “Chuckles wants to know if that bus gets satellite.”

 

It was at this point when Rhett’s curiosity got the better of him and he called out, “Yes, but what is that you have in your hands?”

 

“Oh this is just Chuckles the Wily Wonder Wampa! He talks to me and helps me and gives me really good advice,” replied Artoo.

 

“C’mon Artoo we gotta pick up Jatt!” said Fergie.

 

“Ok,” replied Artoo, “But you better let me drive it’s pretty tricky getting through Weiner and Crows.”

 

“Ok,” said Fergie as he got up and headed to the back.

 

After mounting Willy in the windshield through the miracle of window-sucker technology, and with a big “YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAW!!!” They set out for Jatt’s house.

 

Another hour down the road Artoo suddenly cried out, “Hey ya’ll! Look out the winder! We’re passin through Flippen Arkansas! There’s the Flippen Wal-Mart, the Flippen McDonalds, and the Flippen Baptist Church!” Before anyone could look out the window he replied, “Aw shucks. It’s already passed. Oh well too bad. Ya’ll sure missed it.”

 

Finally after passing through Wooster, they came upon Jatt’s house. When they stopped Fergie yelled out, “Hey Jatt! Git out here! We goin ta California!”

 

Jatt walked out of his house and into the bus and upon seeing Chuckles he said, “Hey you brought Chuckles! Is he wearing his I see dumb people shirt?”

 

“Nope,” replied Artoo, “Today it’s ‘I ate the cook.’”

 

“Oh well,” said Jatt as he took his seat.

 

They were almost out of Arkansas when Sherack finally turned and said to Rommel, “These American towns have the weirdest names.”

 

“I know,” replied Rommel, “I also noticed they aren’t much shorter than Canadian ones like I was expecting them to be.

 

“Oh well,” said Sherack with a chuckle as they finally passed into eastern Texas.

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