Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I'm currently writing an english paper, which is due tomorrow. I would like some ideas and constructive critismn[sp?]. Well, here goes. It isnt done yet, but this is what I have at the moment. A Day I’ll Never Forget I’ll never forget it. We were sitting in the classroom on Friday afternoon. We were having a History lesson. Miss Harper was telling us about Christopher Columbus. Suddenly two men burst into the room. They were wearing masks and carrying heavy guns. “Don’t move!” they shouted. “We are taking over the school!” Some of us screamed. Miss Harper was very brave. She ran between us, spread out her arms, and shouted, “Don’t you dare touch them!” One of the men grabbed her and threw her to the floor. “Shut up! This is a political action. Keep quiet and nobody gets hurt!” We were all very frightened over the events that were happening, so we just kept quiet and did what the guys told us. All of us including Miss Harper were on the floor. We had been there for almost an hour now, and some us needed to go to the bathroom. I raised my hand and asked if I could go to the bathroom, I was told that I could go if I went with one of the men. The man and I left the room, and headed for the bathroom. I went inside, and the man told me that he would wait outside, to make sure I didn’t run away. The bathroom was a single person bathroom, with a toilet and a sink. I looked for a place to escape through, and my eye caught the ventilation shaft. It was located right above the toilet, so I could stand on the toilet and reach it. I tried to get the shaft open so I could get in, and that way call for help. I had made the water running, to cover the sounds when I was opening the shaft. I almost had it open, when the man asked if I was done soon. I could only say that I was almost done, because I couldn’t say what I was doing. I got it open, went out to the man. He was rather angry, because it took me so long and he asked a lot of questions about what I was doing. I didn’t answer any of them and apologized to him, and followed him to the classroom. When I got back I went and sat down, where I was sitting before I went to the bathroom. I told the others, in a low voice so that the men wouldn’t hear me, that if they wanted to go to the bathroom, they had to use the one that I used. I told them about the ventilation shaft, and that they had to go out and call for help. They all agreed that it was a great idea, so that was our plan. To get out of the school via the ventilation shaft and get help. After some thirty minutes one of my classmates had to visit the bathroom. He could go under the same conditions that I did. They left the room together, and we could only pray that he would get out and call the police for help. Suddenly we heard gunshots, it was the man who was waiting for Kilian. He was shooting at the door lock to get it open. He was really mad, because he was standing there waiting for one to come out, and instead of coming out he escaped through the ventilation shaft. The man returned to the classroom, and asked me if I helped him escape. I said that I didn’t help him escape. The man said that if he wasn’t back here within the next half hour, he and his colleague would start killing us, one every 15 minutes. All silenced and we just sat there and praying. While we sat there and was scared and afraid to die, Kilian was on his way out of the ventilation shafts and close to freedom. Kilian was near the exit now, and almost outside the school. This was the time where he had to move really carefully, or else he would alarm the rest of the men who were trying to take over the school. He could now see the exit, the only problem was the 2 men guarding the exit. Now he could only hope that they were disturbed, or that they would leave the place so he could escape and call the police. Luckily for Kilian, they were patrolling the hallways, and they had to move on. He waited for the right time, busted out of there and ran for the street. He reached the street, now he had to find a phone, so he could call for the police. Meanwhile in the classroom, the smell of fear filled the room. The half hour was almost up, and it would soon be time for the first execution. The men were just about to choose their first victim, when we heard the police sirens. The men got surprised when they heard the police, so they started shooting around. Luckily nobody got hurt. The next thing we heard was the police outside, telling the men to come out with their hands up. After a couple of hours of negotiations between the police and the men, the school belonged to us again. We went down to the schoolyard to see the police drive away with the men. When we got down, we got a bit of a surprise. The men, who held us hostage, were actually policemen, performing a hostage situation drill. The police thanked us for participating in this drill, and for acting like we did. After all, none of us knew of this drill. Of course this was a big surprise for all of us, and that’s why it’s a day that I’ll never forget. I apologize for any misspellings. @Kstar--> Is it ok with you if I use your name in the story?! Plz get back to me ASAP!! BTW, I'm trying to get a picture sig. I need alot of points, and would love it if some of you guys would help. After I get the pic sig, I will help the ones who helped me as much as I can ! Any donations are accepted. -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kstar__2 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 nice story you got there clemme:thumbsup: you might change the name to something more common:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Author Share Posted January 30, 2003 I have to use that name. I cant change the title.....sorry . I would like to change it, but I cant ! -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kstar__2 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 i meant the "anakin" one:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Author Share Posted January 30, 2003 Originally posted by kstar__2 i meant the "anakin" one:p Sorry bout that! It was the first name that came to mind, and so I took it and used it! *Hides from all the Swampies!* -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breton Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Great story, Clemme! But there are a few things I can advise: (remember, don't listen to me unless you want to listen to me.) The man returned to the classroom, and asked me if I helped him escape. I said that I didn’t help him escape. That may be a bit dry, perhaps it would be better if you said something like "...and asked me if I helped (should it be had helped?) him escape, but I told him I hadn't" or something like that, so that you won't repeat "help him escape". It may also be a bit better if you'd put more dialog into the story. I know it's hard, but it may be wise. Also, the ending seem a bit hurried, perhaps you could expand it a bit? But the story's really good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katarn07 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I like it. Like JM Qui-Gon said about that one line, though... And dialouge. Brings the characters to life... I need an idea for an essay in English. It has to be an episode of my life I learned something... I have no clue what to do. I learn stuff everyday! (school, friends, parents, family, heck, even these boards!) It has to be something important, I guess. I won't start a new thread, but ideas? I need a rough draft by Monday... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C'jais Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Based on a true story, eh? I like it! But make some paragraphs (afsnit). It gets a bit disorienting to read one, huge block of text. I was a bit disappointed about the ending though - I was certain a big hostage scene was about to break out when the police arrived, with snipers covering the windows and the "terrorists" threatening to kill students if the police didn't comply... Oh well, that's for another story I guess. And you could do with some more dialogue in it. It worked really well in the introduction - why didn't you keep that style? The spelling is also really good. Keep it up, don't take this as pedantic criticism - I like it a lot already Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Author Share Posted January 30, 2003 Maybe something from your childhood, that you remember really clearly. I mean, if you broke your leg or anything, then write about it. Just tell how it happened and what youve learned from it... I find things from my childhood and write about those, when I come across that subject! Thx for the help. I really appriciate it. -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katarn07 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Originally posted by Clemme w/Stick Maybe something from your childhood, that you remember really clearly. I mean, if you broke your leg or anything, then write about it. Just tell how it happened and what youve learned from it... I find things from my childhood and write about those, when I come across that subject! Thx for the help. I really appriciate it. -Clemme OK. Thanks. I broke my arm in the 2nd grade. Lesson learned: I am not Batman! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Author Share Posted January 30, 2003 Originally posted by C'jais But make some paragraphs (afsnit). It gets a bit disorienting to read one, huge block of text. And you could do with some more dialogue in it. It worked really well in the introduction - why didn't you keep that style? Sorry to dissappoint you Jais, but its not based on an actual event. Well, the dialogue thingy has never been my kind of thing. I know that it brings the characters to life and all, but I never seem to get it right. Well, I would like to keep the style like the start, but I didnt write the start. The start was part of the assignment, and I had to continue the story. The reason I wrote the start, was to get the story in place, like an introduction. So the reader wouldnt get too confused. Where would you put in those pragraphs? I dont know where to put them . Originally posted by C'jais I was a bit disappointed about the ending though - I was certain a big hostage scene was about to break out when the police arrived, with snipers covering the windows and the "terrorists" threatening to kill students if the police didn't comply... Oh well, that's for another story I guess. Well, I could have done that, but since it was a drill I decided not to do it. Maybe I could get it into the story thugh. I'll give half an hour, and then go to bed. Originally posted by Katarn07 OK. Thanks. I broke my arm in the 2nd grade. Lesson learned: I am not Batman! lol No prob d00d! I'm glad that I could help! I will let ya'll know what I got for this paper, once I get it back ! Again thanks for all the help. -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted January 30, 2003 Author Share Posted January 30, 2003 I just finished editing the paper. It now has some of the elements that were suggested. I hope that you like it, and help is still accepted. Enjoy! A Day I’ll Never Forget I’ll never forget it. We were sitting in the classroom on Friday afternoon. We were having a History lesson. Miss Harper was telling us about Christopher Columbus. Suddenly two men burst into the room. They were wearing masks and carrying heavy guns. “Don’t move!” they shouted. “We are taking over the school!” Some of us screamed. Miss Harper was very brave. She ran between us, spread out her arms, and shouted, “Don’t you dare touch them!” One of the men grabbed her and threw her to the floor. “Shut up! This is a political action. Keep quiet and nobody gets hurt!” We were all very frightened over the events that were happening, so we just kept quiet and did what the guys told us. All of us including Miss Harper were on the floor. We had been there for almost an hour now, and some us needed to go to the bathroom. I raised my hand and asked if I could go to the bathroom, I was told that I could go if I went with one of the men. The man and I left the room, and headed for the bathroom. I went inside, and the man told me that he would wait outside, to make sure I didn’t run away. The bathroom was a single person bathroom, with a toilet and a sink. I looked for a place to escape through, and my eye caught the ventilation shaft. It was located right above the toilet, so I could stand on the toilet and reach it. I tried to get the shaft open so I could get in, and that way call for help. I had made the water running, to cover the sounds when I was opening the shaft. I almost had it open, when the man asked if I was done soon. I could only say that I was almost done, because I couldn’t say what I was doing. I got it open, went out to the man. He was rather angry, because it took me so long and he asked a lot of questions about what I was doing. I didn’t answer any of them and apologized to him, and followed him to the classroom. When I got back I went and sat down, where I was sitting before I went to the bathroom. I told the others, in a low voice so that the men wouldn’t hear me, that if they wanted to go to the bathroom, they had to use the one that I used. I told them about the ventilation shaft, and that they had to go out and call for help. They all agreed that it was a great idea, so that was our plan. To get out of the school via the ventilation shaft and get help. After some thirty minutes one of my classmates had to visit the bathroom. He could go under the same conditions that I did. They left the room together, and we could only pray that he would get out and call the police for help. Suddenly we heard gunshots, it was the man who was waiting for Kilian. He was shooting at the door lock to get it open. He was really mad, because he was standing there waiting for one to come out, and instead of coming out he escaped through the ventilation shaft. The man returned to the classroom, and asked me if I had helped him escape, but I told him that I hadn’t. The man said that if he wasn’t back here within the next half hour, he and his colleague would start killing us, one every 15 minutes. All silenced and we just sat there and praying. While we sat there and was scared and afraid to die, Kilian was on his way out of the ventilation shafts and close to freedom. Kilian was near the exit now, and almost outside the school. This was the time where he had to move really carefully, or else he would alarm the rest of the men who were trying to take over the school. He could now see the exit, the only problem was the 2 men guarding the exit. Now he could only hope that they were disturbed, or that they would leave the place so he could escape and call the police. Luckily for Kilian, they were patrolling the hallways, and they had to move on. He waited for the right time, busted out of there and ran for the street. He reached the street, now he had to find a phone, so he could call for the police. Meanwhile in the classroom, the smell of fear filled the room. The half hour was almost up, and it would soon be time for the first execution. The men were just about to choose their first victim, when we heard the police sirens. The men got surprised when they heard the police, so they started shooting around. Luckily nobody got hurt. The next thing we heard was the police outside, telling that they had placed snipers on the rooftops, of the nearby buildings and that they were ready to shoot. The police then sent in their negotiator. A negotiator is the policeman that has to go in, and negotiate with the hostage takers. When the negotiator comes in he has to find out how many hostages there are, and how many hostages that are hurt. Apart from that he has to find out, how many hostage takers there are and what the hostage takers want for letting the hostages go. After a couple of hours of negotiations between the police and the men, the school belonged to us again. We went down to the schoolyard to see the police drive away with the men. When we got down, we got a bit of a surprise. The men, who held us hostage, were actually policemen, performing a hostage situation drill. The police thanked us for participating in this drill, and for acting like we did. After all, none of us knew of this drill. Of course this was a big surprise for all of us, and that’s why it’s a day that I’ll never forget. -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jed Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Great story Clemme! You better get a good grade Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheHobGoblin Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 Very good. I find the ending extremely funny. I would give it an A or A+ Very god work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kain Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 wiggy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kstar__2 Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 *dances around* i'm the big hero! i'm the big hero! great story clemme:D and a surprising ending:p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Groovy Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 Very good story telling. You had a clear picture from start to finish and never lost the focus of your reader. It is good how you use precise details to give the reader an excellent visual of the given situation. The only thing that detracts is, you went into great detail about what a hostage negotietor does. Most readers will know what a negotiator does. All you really need to focus on that point is not what a negotieator does, but what the negotiator did to alleviate the situation. Other than that you did not loose me at any point in the story. Once you loose the reader, you loose the story. Overall score: 95% Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted February 16, 2003 Author Share Posted February 16, 2003 Hmm, as promised I would check back with the grade I got. First I should explain the grade system we have in Denmark. We use the 13 scale, or something. It goes like this (Starting with lowest): 03 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 13 To pass a test you need a 6, and thats not even hard to get. To get a 13 you need to something extrodinary, that isnt required of the assignment. Well, now on to what I got on the paper. I got an: *Drum Roll* 11 *Everybody claps and starts dancing around with the monkies* Thx for all the help I got here, and I think I'll put some future papers up here as well. -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katarn07 Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 Good job. I signed myself up for a creative writing class for my Junior year, but the only con about it is poetry. *boos poetry* Reading it is one thing, writing my own though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted February 16, 2003 Author Share Posted February 16, 2003 Originally posted by Katarn07 Reading it is one thing, writing my own though? I hate poetry Apart from that it sounds interresting... BTW ya like the sig I made? -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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