RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 I dunno...it's all too confusing. My entire life I've sacrificed so much all in the name of helping others. I've pretty much lost everything it feels, but I still have that hunger to help others. I've had a very rough childhood growing up (19 now), but I've survived...and have become very independent. How? I used to be a freakin reject. I was in a youth group, and used to be a very dependent person. I moved every year or so, so when I found this group, I really wanted some friends. However, they knew eachother their entire life and didn't like anyone else. Out of the 5 years I went there, only twice did any of them talk to me. After 5 years, I gave up. It just wasn't worth trying anymore. It was pathetic...and I grew very independent. I simply didn't and don't care anymore. I'm a normal guy though. I "look" normal, most people think I'm pretty cool and all now, but the childhood scarred me for life. I'm used to being alone now, because I am. Been alone my entire life. When I meet a friend though, I have this huge fear that I'll "overdo" the friendship and them ending up abandoning me again...so it's really hard to make friends. I have such a great fear in it. Over the years, like I said...I've gotten so used to it, but ocassionally (normally once twice a week), I go through a massive depression...and I mean, I'm barely surviving. It's just all that "lonely" feelings is pushed down so hard, it all comes up at once. I got into the internet due to this problem, but sometimes it makes it worst. Even people I know online, they talk about all meeting at a place and hanging out at some state (Lan parties), and I long so much to be there, but I'm stuck here, alone again. I'm sick of living where nothing happens. I wish I could move over elsewhere, where having contact them frequently is a common occurence. I just got tired of having to try to make friends. I just don't care anymore. I don't even celebrate my birthdays anymore. (btw, my birthday in less than 2 weeks..oh yay, another year closer to eternity...) Think of yourself in the middle of nowhere...some...stranded island in the pacific, but nothing but rotted trees and nothing green around at all.....but you have internet. You can speak and interact with people online.....but it isn't enough. You look around and there is nothing, and will never be anything. You're alone for what seems forever, and no matter what you do, you'll only see those people through a screen, you're only friends. That is exactly how I feel. I'm so used to it now, but once or twice a week, it comes crashing down and I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. It's...horrible, to say the least. I'm in Dallas, Texas...but I'm in an area where there really arn't any people to hang out with, especially people that share my interests. I go to college, but I work till 4pm, then college at 5:30 -10:00 pm, the college then closes, I go home, and wonder if I'll even wake up the next day. If I just had the time and the money, I'd travel over and see my closest online friends personally. It would mean the world to me, but I'm stuck here with this schedule that can't be bent or broken. I'm waking up at 6am just to do my homework, term papers, and all that other crap. I just don't get how some people get everything coming along together so well and perfect...while I'm working my butt off just to survive. There are 2 people that mean the world to me that I met online, one ended up ( and still is ) as a brother, and the other...well...I just don't want to overdo it, just scared I'll lose that friendship someday. I'd like to be able to hang out a bit with them personally, but it seems impossible for me to make that move. I don't want you to think I'm some pathetic guy with no friends. It's not that at all, I'm a really cool guy, but my history just catches up to me sometimes and it really bugs me. Sometimes, I'm just sick of living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 man i feel sorry for u i will be your friend i need friends too hey u the one that did the thread about kids i wrote something u should read ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 Yeah, I did. It's just weird, I'm fine....and then that 1 day of the week *BAM*...lasts for a day or two then I'm fine again. Before I came so independent, I used to blame myself for failures, including failures on friendships. I hated myself for it all, and used to cut myself. Was a nightmare growing up. Only thing that kept me from killing myself was knowing God had a plan. but hey, I made it. Moving into an apartment soon, just bought a 2001 Dodge Neon, got a good job. I have alot of online friends, I just wish I could actually hang out with a few of them like alot of my online friends get to do already. They have no idea how lucky they are. edit- shows how crappy my day was...my post count is even 666. *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 i hope to be one of your good freinds but i'm glad u didn't do anything stupid to mess up your life and look u are ok now, i'm glad u have made it i'm very happy for u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 I'm tired of hiding my history. For the first time, I'm going to release an autobiography to the public that I had to write for college (my teacher said I was crazy). This wasn't TOO long ago that I wrote this...but the facts still remain. This is all true. Enjoy Autobiography of Jared Parks At the age of seven, I went over to my sister's house and sat on the ground, getting ready to get some sleep. I leaned back, ready for the day to be over. Suddenly, a four-legged, red-eyed creature with sharp, pointed spikes on its back ran across the room and into the dark corner. It stayed there, staring at me with its red, glowing eyes. I was extremely frightened, and did not dare to take my eye off of the creature. After about five minutes passed, I asked God to have my guardian angels watch over me, and to give me rest. I leaned back once more, and went to sleep. That was the first of several visits from the entity, if you will, that I eventually named Karsec Le'Treg, the demon that would haunt me for the next eleven years of my life. Little did I know that this was going to be an important part of my life on understanding what the Devil will do to stop Christians for living for God. I grew up in a Christian home. My father was a pastor, and my mother was a Sunday school teacher. I grew up with a servant's heart, having a hunger to do what was right for God, and to help others as much as possible. I suppose the Devil saw this as a threat, and our family started to get spiritually attacked. The devil worked indirectly, and directly. Indirectly, he would turn people against us. My father was not afraid to preach the truth, so naturally, some people did not like his preaching. We had people angry with us, my brother was stoned with rocks, and we even had death threats. It was rough, but I refused to give up and to continue to do God's will. I eventually got into public school, because I saw a great need for Christ there. I wanted to spread Christ's light into the darkness of the public school system. Most Christians there just thought of it as school. I saw it as a mission field. At the age of seven or eight, I began to develop four minor symptoms of four different syndromes. I developed A.D.D., Bi-Polar, schizophrenia, and tourette. My muscles were always vibrating a bit, and sometimes my body would start to shake. Eventually, it became a part of my every day life. I got used to it, even seeing things others could not. Occasionally, I would get more visits of the demon. I remember one night, I was laying in bed, staring at the corner of the ceiling. Suddenly, hundreds of spiders started crawling out of the corner, onto the walls, onto the floor, and quickly crawling into the bed towards me. I jumped out of the bed and turned on the light. I turned around, but nothing was there. Another time, I was lying in bed, and a creature at the foot of the bed started screaming loudly, and started crawling towards me. I grabbed it with my sheet and held it down on the bed. I peaked inside the sheet, but nothing was there. Another night, I rolled over in bed, and a tall figure stood on the bed. It looked like an Indian chief. However, he was transparent and was glowing. He just stood there, looking at me. It looked as if the wind was blowing against him, his hair moving with the wind. The bed did not feel as if there was any more weight on the bed. I just rolled over and went to sleep. By that time, I saw so much of these visits, I got used to them. I went to several deliverance ministries, doing what the Bible said, anointing, praying, even medication. Nothing ever worked, yet I still refused to give up on God. Sometimes I could feel the spiritual attack, feeling as if I was spiritually crawling on the ground, but I just reminded myself that God was always with me, and kept going. When I was eighteen, I went to a church service with a guest speaker. He spoke on healing, and why it sometimes does not work. As I listened, God started to speak to me. I realized why I was never healed; I was calling God a liar! I always thought that if God wanted me healed, He could and He would heal me. However, if for some reason it was His will for me to have the syndromes, then I would not be healed. God said that I would be healed, thinking otherwise would be calling him a liar. I repented and asked for forgiveness, and then told God that I would be healed that very night. Instantly, my muscles stopped vibrating, and I felt an enormous release of pressure off of my body. I was instantly healed. Since that night, I never had any more of the visits. Satan still tried to attack me, but from all the years of the attacks, I built up a resistance to his attacks, and knew how to repel them and keep going. With the knowledge I had, I was able to help others with their spiritual problems far more effectively, and was able to become an even greater servant for God. I was born with a servant's heart, I still have a servant's heart, and God willing, I will always have a servant's heart. Satan will do anything in his power to stop you from becoming what God wants you to be, but just keep your faith and trust in God, an you will come out victorious, as I did. There you have it. My history. I AM a great Christian soldier and nothing stops me, but that once a week thing is what brings me down to this level right now. I'll be fine in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 damn that is a sad story but i like the way u fought back against imposible odds and that is real good i think u will be of great service to god Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 Thanks What's the best way y'all (sorry, I'm a Texan) would handle this? It's getting old getting this every week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 i would just try to go on with my life and forget the past and make my future the best times of my life if i was u but that is me saying this not u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 Main problem is just...well...I just get lonely sometimes, which is weird, because I'm used to it....but it just comes and goes. Y'all have people you chill out with after school and all right? Don't take it for granted... it's a great thing to have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 actually i don't stay after school but u are rite that we do get to hang out with friends but i don't get to see them as much as i used too and that really sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 i emtry it ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kstar__2 Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 some "tips", if they help at all; try to hang out with some people from your school sometimes. and instead of going to your online friends, you could ask if they come and visit you. i'm shure if you explain to your friends, they won't run away from you being over-friendly and stuff (i don't think you really are, i think that it is just in your mind) go to party's and stuff, get out some more, hook up with a groop of people that hang around there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Welshman Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 No offence now, I dont mean anything insulting by this. I know you say you had a depressing childhood soooo sorry if this offends you. If this "Satan" as you call it should for some reason choose to attack you again, kick its ass. Or get your guardian angel from the village people to kick its ass. Ok ok, I got carried away, no offence. I realise thing sfor you were and are rough and im sorry. Just the fact of fighting something monstorish would be cool, and If they were just visions then fine, they cant hurt you. Unless they can, but if they go the pain goes right, otherwise they werent visions. And if it does happen to pretty much kill you then W00T no more tradgity (for you anyway, selfish but who cares ive seen alot of death from loved ones. Im not saying I can handle it but I wonder how to cope if something did happen). and If indeed it is Satan who happens to choose YOU out of all of the families with similar backrounds like yours, then you wont die will you, it will want you to suffer. Dont let it. P.S Im Immortal/Mortal if you get my drift (Just thought I'd add that) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mex Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 *Sigh* Theres no point hiding my life now, since this is the time to let it all out.... Here it is.... My crummy life. When I was young (3 to be exact) , my sister hated me, she even broke my arm, when I was 7, she hated me even more..... When I was twelve, I knew alot about computers and electronics, my sister beated me up everyday. Now i'm 13, I know even more, ive become smarter than my own IT teacher at school, I don't have no friends, I go around school alone, people swear at me, call me geek... ... And the worst thing that happened a few days ago which has been terrorising me since then..... Keileigh dumped me infront of EVERYONE So. Ive been wandering around LucasForums to see if I can help people and make myself happy. So thats my crummy life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 Well, I feel sorry for you man. I wish that I could do something to ease your pain. *Gets a bright idea* I can be your friend . Dont worry about overdoing your friendships, just be your self and ppl will come along. Well, I think I've made my point....! Be your self and you'll get friends! -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 man everybody has had a tough life but u made it this far now u can looh forward to life trust me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 Originally posted by Scouttrooper whata ???? you talking to me ? He was talking to RpTheHotrod! He started this thread, and I suggest that you read it...! -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 i was talking about rpthehotrod, kstar,flanders, and lost ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Slayne Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 My early life was very simillar your own. God knows that it took me a LONG time to reach out and finally talk to someone. Granted, this someone never worked out, and nor did the next, or the next. But eventually, I was lucky enough to have found a group of people that understood me for who I am. And that has gone a long way toward the confidence I have in myself now. Back then, you wouldn't catch me ever saying "hello" to a stranger on the street, but now I think nothing of it. My point is that you must always keep trying. Never give up for anything. And I mean ANYTHING. If you give up, you have lost before you begin. Life can be a real drag 90% of the time, but that remaining 10% is well worth it. Never give up. That is all the advice I have for you. Yeah, its not much, but it is something to think about at least. One final note: You may sometimes feel that you have given up on God. But know that he hasn't given up on YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 Yeah, that 10% is the only thing that has kept me going so far. I'd love to hang out with some people, but there is no one around, seriously. THere are a few at college, but I'm gone like 24/7 with this schedule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Jed Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 I hate to see all of you having all these problems, but on the other side it's glad to see I'm not alone. I'm not gonna type a story right now, sorta busy, but I'll get around to it later. Take care guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyrion Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 Well,if you give us your MSN screename,me,reb,jedi220,darky,ZBomber, obi, and Darth Groovy will all speak to you. (But please- No Christianity preaching.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegietto Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 give me your screenname too so i can chat with u too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklighter Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 Well, maybe not post your e-mail address in this thread, but if you ever wanna talk, I'm always available...most of the time:)lol, just PM me your screename:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RpTheHotrod Posted February 1, 2003 Author Share Posted February 1, 2003 RpTheHotrod in AIM (go figure) dangearn22@hotmail.com in the MSN thing (but I don't use it often) I don't use that e-mail though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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