*Radio Free Saturn*

[Reaper Girl]

*leaps on Yuf*

BOLT THE DOORS!

We can't let her leave!!!!!!!!!!!

[RicardoLuigi...]

das: hello. this is a commercial to tell you to buy my wonderful product: learning good manners. this award winning tape will show your children the value of good manners. not only table manners, but social manners as well! dining etiquette, conversational rules and 101 ways to be polite are all included on this tape, and it's all for a very low price. you don't even need kids to get this tape! give it to your grandkids, or maybe even your great-grandkids! all for a low price, so call now to order! our number is: 1-800-THIS-PRODUCT-IS-A-WASTE-OF-EVERYBODYS-TIME-HOWEVER-I-STILL-FEEL-COMPELLED-TO-BUY-IT-BECAUSE-I'M-A-MORON.

 

call now!

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by Das Mole

das: hello. this is a commercial to tell you to buy my wonderful product: learning good manners. this award winning tape will show your children the value of good manners. not only table manners, but social manners as well! dining etiquette, conversational rules and 101 ways to be polite are all included on this tape, and it's all for a very low price. you don't even need kids to get this tape! give it to your grandkids, or maybe even your great-grandkids! all for a low price, so call now to order! our number is: 1-800-THIS-PRODUCT-IS-A-WASTE-OF-EVERYBODYS-TIME-HOWEVER-I-STILL-FEEL-COMPELLED-TO-BUY-IT-BECAUSE-I'M-A-MORON.

 

call now!

 

I love that commercial! AM radio, right? I always hear in my mind, 'Your kids will learn good manners...because you'll beat them.'

 

(BTW...Illinois boy...I was hatched in Rockford.)

 

"This is Mr. Hogweasel returning Mr. Lee's call concerning the sticking points we're running into right now in processing his shipment. It seems the feds have a concern about our sending the Mark XVII Lidar GPS Warhead Targeting array to a Chinese company. We have assured them that the arrays are intended for use in your Robot Panda toy series and are therefore not in conflict with national security concerns. I am told that the approval is is pending...our NSA contact tells me, 'Hell, it's only the Chinese.' Ha ha ha hah! You guys already have all of our stuff, right? Anyway, as soon as the Mark XVII arrays are shipped, we'll begin the paperwork on the Little Timmy Fuel Rod Enrichment kit project..."

 

Now we know.

[Kylilin]

Now that you'e leaned so far forward that your nose feels staticky and squinted just to read this, aren't you sorry you even bothered in the first place? -- Zoom Rabbit, from the original Radio Free Saturn

[Redwing]

LMFAO. Best. Poll. Ever.

 

A decent post, you ask for? Well then. ^^;; I'll be back later. ^_~

 

*Runs off*

[Alia]

Excerpt from Dr. Alia's daily radio show

 

Alia: So today, we're talking about the stupid things that people do that mess their lives up. Just like yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. No, wait, that day was Sunday, so I was just tellling my near relations about the stupid things they do. Oh well. (pause) Hi, Romeo from Verona, you're on the air.

 

Romeo: Hi.

 

Alia: So...do you have a problem?

 

Romeo: Yeah, I do.

 

Alia: Aren't you going to blurt it out tearfully and then beg for my advice?

 

Romeo: I guess so.

 

Alia: Well, get on with it.

 

Romeo: Well, my girlfriend and I -

 

Alia: Are shacked up? You HEATHENS.

 

Romeo: No, just desperately in love.

 

Alia: So what's the problem?

 

Romeo: Her parents don't like me, and won't let her see me.

 

Alia: Ok. How can you be desperately in love without ever seeing her? Enlighten me.

 

Romeo: I saw her once at a party.

 

Alia: Don't you think you're rushing it a little bit?

 

Romeo: I don't see why I shouldn't, I thought it was extremely poetical to experience love at first sight.

 

Alia: You're going to have to rip all these hyper-romantic notions out of your addled head if you want to make this relationship work. Tell me about the girl.

 

Romeo: Well, she still lives with her parents, and they're about to make her marry this other guy, and that's why I want to marry her as soon as possible.

 

Alia: Huh.

 

Romeo: Yeah.

 

Alia: Well, tell me about her parents.

 

Romeo: That's about all I know about them. My family and her family have a sort of feud-type thing going on there.

 

Alia: Interesting.

 

Romeo: God, I love her so much. O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night...like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear; beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear! So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows, as yonder lady o'er her fellows shows-

 

Alia: Aagh! Stop it already! Did you just say Ethiope?

 

Romeo: I think so.

 

Alia: All right, here's what you do. Get to know the girl some more, make nice with her parents, and marry her honestly...but NOT before you have thought about it for a good long time, and are CERTAIN that's what you want.

 

Romeo: Already I can think of nothing else, hour by hour, day by day...

 

Alia: Well, when it becomes month by month, then decide. Try to be in your rational mind, however. Creep.

 

Romeo: What's that?

 

Alia: So, her parents have complete control over her? What is she, twelve?

 

Romeo: No, thirteen.

 

Alia: Omg, look at the time!

 

TOMORROW ON DR. ALIA: Why People Shouldn't Be Dumb and Mess Up Their Lives.

[RicardoLuigi...]

aaaand now...for the CROCODILE DUNDEE EPISODE OF THE DAY!!!!

 

crocodile dundee episode 1

 

crocodile dundee: hello! and welcome to our next episode of crocodile dundee! we are in the wonderful brooklyn zoo, in the reptile area right now.

 

assistant george: i'm his assistant!

 

cd:(turns and looks at ag) quiet, you! everybody knows that i'm the one who matters. you're but a lowly peasant!

 

ag: *sniff* okay, i'm sorry.... *boohoo*

 

cd: *clears throat* well, we are now going to watch and then speculate on what happens when we release this somewhat oversized wild joey *raises cage in front of camera* from this cage *points to cage* onto this wild crocodile's *points over shoulder to crocodile* head. *hands cage to ag* okay, set him free.

 

deep narration voice: (screen goes black) for the purposes (*yaaaah!*) of small children, this scene (ripping and tearing sounds) has been cut from the original tape. (loud belch)

 

cd: (screen comes back in focus) (all staring blankly, then turn around to face camera) well...um, assistant george, why don't you speculate on it this time.

 

ag: well...that was different. um, obviously that crocodile was hungry...uuhhh...

 

cd: yes, i do believe that just about sums it all up...er...

 

deep narration voice: we now interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.

 

jane janeson: this is jane janeson. government officials have recently discovered that michael jackson has been disguising himself as a somewhat oversized wild joey in order to evade police. he has been reported as last being spotted somewhere around new york city. now back to the program.

 

cd: uh oh. we're drawing a crowd...

 

people: (murmuring) what's going on? what happened?

 

nypd: (putting up "police line- do not cross" tape) okay people, go home, nothing to see here, it's all over.

 

cd: i'm gonna be sick...

 

ag: ugh...

 

cd: (to cameraman) we're still on? oh, umm... (to ag) what should we do now?

 

(crocodile retching)

 

all: (whispering) what's going on? huh? what?

 

(something flies out of crocodile's mouth)

 

ag: (picking up item) what's this? (camera zooms in on item) it's michael jackson's head!

 

cd: well, next time, we'll see and observe what a celebrity funeral is like. with michael jackson, we'll be sure to see some rare and interesting wildlife.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Today's contribution from the rabbit's hole...

 

Game review: Starfighter (Special Edition) on X-box

 

Where the hell's my freaking radar screen?!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You guys are soooo fired...!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Deac]

*Calls in*

 

Hello! Wow! I'm actually on a radio....damn! Why is it whenever you get on you can't think of anything to say? Well, I won 5 bucks in a bet just for having my voice on-

 

*Gets cut off*

[Zoom Rabbit]

And now for something completely different.

 

The Three Atheists Sutra

 

Thus have I heard--

 

Once, a gentle hippy sat mediatating in the park. In the warm, springtime sun he basked alone for most of the morning, until three people interrupted his quiet solitude.

 

A child, a young man and an old man stood before the hippy. They were together, and the child wanted to know what he was doing, sitting cross-legged on the grass with his eyes closed on such a lovely day.

 

The hippy smiled. 'I'm meditating. That's a big word that means a lot of things to a lot of different people...but to me it means I'm trying to find God.'

 

'God.' The boy was skeptical. 'I'm not so sure I believe in God.'

 

'Why not?' said the hippy.

 

'I just don't think one guy made everything, that's all.'

 

'I don't think so either,' he winked. 'I don't think he was a guy, person, or even a being.'

 

The child was confused by this. Now the younger man said, 'I'm afraid I don't believe in God, either, mister. Never mind what He was, how could any God create a world with so much suffering in it?'

 

The hippy held up a finger and said gently, 'Grow up. The choice made on your behalf by God was not between pleasure and suffering, but between existance or nonexistance.'

 

The younger man looked to the child and shrugged. Now it was the older man's turn to speak. 'I respect what you believe, but I must say that I really don't believe in a God myself.'

 

'Oh? Why is that?'

 

'I just don't think that any thing, mind or idea we might have of a God can actually be that thing. A thing that is by nature infinite cannot be a thing. The logic just doesn't work.'

 

'There is one thing that can be infinite,' smiled the hippy, 'and you are almost certain to misunderstand what I say here: it is no thing. As nonexistance, a totality without observer, no thing is that prerequesite for the existance of any thing that lies continuously behind the entire universe.'

 

'Huh?' grunted the older man. 'What the hell does that mean?'

 

'Beats me,' said the hippy. 'I almost had it all figured out when you guys interrupted me, and I lost my place. Now I have to start all over again...'

 

The moral of this story: don't talk to hippies in the park.

 

Om! Peace.

[Kylilin]

What is a party if it doesn't really rock?

What is a poet? All balls, no cock

What is a war if it doesn't have a general?

What's channel nine if it doesn't have Arsenio?

What is life if you don't have fun?

What is a what if you ain't got a gun?

What's Ali without Shaheed Muhammad?

Nothing. [Calpekur] makes you vomit

What is a Quest if the players ain't willing?

What is a pence if you don't have a shilling?

Excuse me if I'm chillin, hey what, say what

What's a fat man without food in his gut?

What's a child birth, without the umbilical?

What's United Parcel, without the deliverer?

What's momma-san, without poppa-san?

What's martial arts without Daniel-San?

What's Rasheed without Tonya, Tamika?

What's orange juice and Doug E. Doug without Shaniqua?

Not a not a not a, not a damn thing

What's Duke Ellington without that swing?

What's Alex Haley if it doesn't have roots?

What's a weekend if you ain't knockin boots?

What is a nation, without any unity?

What is a child who doesn't know pubery?

What is my label when I exit womb status?

What's menage-a-tois? or, that is

What is sex when you have three people?

What are laws if they ain't fair and equal?

What's Clark Kent without a telephone booth?

What is a liquor if it ain't 80 proof?

What are the youth if they ain't rebellin?

What's Ralph Cramden, if he ain't yellin

at Ed Norton, what is coke snortin?

What is position if there is no contortin?

What is hip-hop if it doesn't have violence?

Chill for a minute, Zoom Rabbit said silence

*four second pause*

What is a glock if you don't have a clip?

What's a lollipop without the Good Ship?

What's S&M if you don't have chains?

What's a con artist if he doesn't have brains?

What's America without greed and glamour?

What's an MC if he doesn't have stamina?

What's music fractured without Mr. Walt?

What's Trugoy without a phrase called torte?

What's Kris Lighty if he wasn't such a baby?

What is a woman if she didn't say maybe?

Baby laid down, I removed the frown

What would be my penal cord if it wasn't brown?

What is a paper without a president?

What is a compound without a element?

What is a jam if you don't spike the punch?

Was it Bruce Lee if you don't like brunch?

Oooh ooh, it's like that you keep goin

Freak freak y'all cause you know that we showin

What to go what to go what to go what to go what

to go what to go what to go what to go WHAT!

[Zoom Rabbit]

It is my somewhat unusual pleasure to interview Martha Stewart this evening...who is also coincidentally winning the RFS not-poll.

 

Zoom: My fellow hostages on this high-speed cosmic marble-ride called planet Earth, and others, welcome. My guest this time is famed fashion and cooking deva Martha Stewart, whom we have handily surprised here in her business shredding room. Martha, I'm impressed with the way you've integrated these shredding machines into the decor--I'm sure it wasn't easy finding drapes to match office eggshell white. How did you do it?

 

Martha: A giant rabbit? What the...?

 

Zoom: Oh, you knew this would happen. It was only a matter of time. Say, what are you shredding?

 

Martha: Why...none of your business! I see no reason to tell you anything.

 

Zoom: Well, since I'm just a figment of your imagination, there really isn't a reason not to, is there? Perhaps this is your chance to unburden your obviously troubled conscience therapeutically.

 

Martha: It's not like I'm doing anything bad. I mean, if the average person found out that a stock was going south...they would sell it, right?

 

Zoom: There, there. You poor thing.

 

Martha: You know why this is such a big deal, and I have to shred all my personal records in the first place? It's just...because I'm on teevee. If I were just an anonymous CEO, no one would say a thing about it. I mean, it's just an accounting matter, right?

 

Zoom: I must have you.

 

Martha: What?

 

Zoom: Never mind. Say, listen...would you be interested in a few basic stock quotes from the future? Us rabbits have little interest in matters of finance, but I'm sure that you could make use of these numbers...

 

See? She's not such a bad girl, after all.

[Sivy]

time for this week's phone-in with Dr. Siv

 

Dr Siv : "hello, who do we have on line 1 and whats your problem?"

 

Caller #1: "hello Doc.. i've swallowed a bone"

 

Dr Siv : "are you choking?"

 

Caller #1:"No, I really did!"

 

Dr Siv: "I suggest you try coughing"

 

Caller #1:"a coffin???!!! is it really that bad?!!"

 

*sounds of hysterical crying and then the line goes dead*

 

Dr Siv: ok, next caller please..

 

Caller #2: "ah doctor, i've broken my leg in two places... what should i do?"

 

Dr Siv: "i would stay away from those two places... next!"

 

Caller #3: "Dr Siv, i've just found out i've only got 3 minutes to live.. what can i do?"

 

Dr Siv: "boil an egg? next!"

 

Caller #4: "Doctor you have to help me out..."

 

Dr Siv: "certainly, do you see any doors?"

 

Caller #4: "er... yeah"

 

Dr Siv: "there you go! Next!"

 

Caller #5: "hello, i'm worried about my brother. he is in the medical business like yourself.. and he's sleeping with one of his patients"

 

Dr Siv: "well that has been known to happen..."

 

Caller #5 : "yes.. but he's a veterinarian"

 

Dr Siv: "er.... Next caller please!"

 

Caller #6: "doctor, I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes"

 

Dr Siv: "have you seen a doctor before?"

 

Caller #6:"No, just little black spots."

 

Dr Siv: "maybe you should go to hospital"

 

Caller #6 : "hospital? what do you think it is?

 

Dr Siv: "its a big building where the sick and the injured go for treatment"

 

Dr Siv: thats all we got time for this week... but sure to tune in next week.

 

[RicardoLuigi...]

and now...for nonsensical french sentences!!!

 

je verrais un tee-shirt, mais je n'ai pas assez d'argent.

 

elle est très jolie parce qu'elle est tombeé dans sa figure beaucoup quand elle était un enfant.

 

je mangeais ton sac-à-dos et alors tu me voyais.

 

les crocodiles sont marrants.

 

monsieur duval est très jeune. il a trois petit-fils et ils sont assez mignons écureuils.

 

 

go here if you want translations!

[Redwing]

And now for a public service announcement. Due to budget cuts, this announcement will only be spoken in Spanish. (And I wrote it for a Spanish class project - excuse the crappy grammar, everyone here who can speak it )

 

La Amenaza del Mono

 

Lo que sigue es un aviso del servicio público traído a usted por MAMA (Las Madres contra los Monos en América).

 

Hay un peligro nueva en nuestras calles. Amenaza a nuestros coches, a nuestras posesiones, e incluso a nuestros niños. Amenaza nuestra seguridad. Amenaza paz del mundo. Este peligro es MONOS.

 

Los monos son bestias muy peligrosas, y han invadido nuestro país. Los informes del ataques monos se han recibido de separado tan lejano de los lugares como el Polo Norte y el Chile. Además, la investigación científica probó que los monos son agentes del Diablo.

 

Los monos han causado la destrucción extensa todo sobre el mundo. Ahora nos están atacando. Debemos parar esta amenaza antes de que destruya a nuestros niños.

 

Ensamble tan a MAMA hoy y mate a un mono cerca de usted.

 

No olvida – come sus verduras, recicla, no hacen las drogas, y DIGAN “NO” A LOS MONOS.

 

Este es un aviso del servico público traído a usted por las Madres contra los Monos en América.

 

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

[Kylilin]

Indovino che non gradite le scimmie molto.

[Cmdr. Cracken]

CAUTION: SOME coarse language is used in this clip Also, if you like Macs, you WILL be offended.

 

http://www.ancientspear.com/mac.wvx

[Jared]

Originally posted by Cmdr. Cracken

CAUTION: SOME coarse language is used in this clip Also, if you like Macs, you WILL be offended.

 

http://www.ancientspear.com/mac.wvx

 

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! THATS GREAT!!!!!!!

[Zoom Rabbit]

So it isn't just me, or my mac in particular. Every mac user has these problems!

 

*(Goes and glares at the retarded mac sitting useless in the next room.)* That's why you're moth-balled, beeyayitch!

 

Cracken: That was GREAT! Is that your voice on the clip?

 

Originally posted by Das Mole

and now...for nonsensical french sentences!!!

 

je verrais un tee-shirt, mais je n'ai pas assez d'argent.

 

elle est très jolie parce qu'elle est tombeé dans sa figure beaucoup quand elle était un enfant.

 

je mangeais ton sac-à-dos et alors tu me voyais.

 

les crocodiles sont marrants.

 

monsieur duval est très jeune. il a trois petit-fils et ils sont assez mignons écureuils.

 

 

go here if you want translations!

 

Cochon garçon! J'ai commandé du toast français! Toast fo*tre français--zut! Je suis cuisinier...ou est la cuisine?

 

Translation:

Pig waiter! I ordered french toast! French f*cking toast--blast! I'm a cook...where's the kitchen?

 

 

Originally posted by Kylilin

Indovino che non gradite le scimmie molto.

 

¿Que es, gordo?

 

[Kylilin]

¿Que es, gordo?

 

Perchè lo avete denominato grasso?

[Cmdr. Cracken]

no, that's some dude. though i thought it was Radio Free Saturn worthy.

[Alia]

A GRAPE ADVENTURE

 

I

Woke up,

Looked around,

Saw my siblings

Huddled 'round,

In the

Bowl.

 

In

One blink

Off I went

To-ward the sink

I just missed

A dark

Hole.

 

Why

Did my

Little frame

Not want to go?

Would I last?

How long?

Drat!

 

Then

I saw

A big plate

Right above me.

I cowered.

It came.

SPLAT!

 

 

Septs are...fun...and...interesting.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Hmm.

A new

Kind of art

For me to try

On Lucas-

Forums

now.

 

Odd

How it

Forces the

Mind to think in

Syllables

Writing

It.

 

 

Originally posted by Kylilin

Perchè lo avete denominato grasso?

 

Raison? Pah.

 

*(Runs away.)*

[Yufster]

And now we go live at E3, to Yufster. Yufster, what's the craic?*

 

YUFSTER: Hi, Ensigne ****face. Well, here I am at E3, and I've just seen the preview trailer of the upcoming awesome game, Psychonauts!

 

ENSIGNE ****FACE: And tell me, was it... was it any good?

 

YUFSTER: Well, I was blown away, Ensigne ****face. It looks awesome. It plays awesome. The entire thing is awesome. I think I'm going to implode.

 

ENSIGNE ****FACE: Were there any other games at E3 that particularly held your notice?

 

YUFSTER: No.

 

ENSIGNE ****FACE: Oh, uh. Well. So tell us more about this game.

 

YUFSTER: Well it's pretty awesome. I really like it. Earlier, I caught up with game developing legend, Tim Schafer, to ask him about his new Awesome. Game. Awesome Game. Tim, tell me about Psychonauts.

 

TIM SCHAFER: Oh man, you said, "Legend". That makes me sound old!

 

YUFSTER: Oh. Sorry. So anyway. Tell me about Psychonauts!

 

TIM SCHAFER: Psychonauts is totally awesome!

 

YUFSTER: Yeah.

 

ENSIGNE ****FACE: ....

 

YUFSTER: ....

 

TIM SCHAFER: .......?

 

CHRIS SCHULTZ: Wicked!

 

YUFSTER: ... Anyway. that's our advanced E3 coverage on Channel Buttlick! Over to you, Ensigne ****face!

 

ENSIGNE ****FACE: Well... it seems... it seems we have.... half an hour to... to fill so... let's talk about this cute little kitten!

 

And that's...Channel Buttlick Advanced E3 Coverage!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Craic, irish term. "What's the craic?" Meaning "What's up?" Or "What is up?" but most commonly, "What is up with your life mission?" (Excerpts stolen from an email sent to me by delightful 10 year old video game hero, Raz.)

[Kylilin]

And now for an inspirational/thought provoking quote:

 

"You can't be what you were." -- Fugazi