*Radio Free Saturn*

[Zoom Rabbit]

Edlib: This excerpt from the previous page should describe precisely where I stand on Gollum and *rabbitses.*

 

Gollum: It's...it's rabbitses, yes? Precious? Isss it...crunchety?

 

Zoom: Not this rabbit. You remember 'Sting?' Well, this is a samurai sword, and it makes Sting look like a bilbo. We have river folk back where I come from, so I came prepared.

 

 

Deac: Precisely. Rabbitses are much too fast for poor Gollum to catch fair and square...

 

Redwing: Meh. Badgers are still #1. However, yours is somewhat better than this one.

 

[edlib]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

Edlib: This excerpt from the previous page...

PREVIOUS PAGE?!? You don't truly expect me to remember that far back, do you?!? A whole page? FERGAWDSAKES!!! What do think I am, a COMPUTER?!?

 

Yeah,.. I musta missed that one somehow... But then, after all, I've been living in an egg-nog and Nyqil induced semi-conscious haze for most of the last month... my, uh... whatchamacall'em,.. my neurons aren't what they were even 3 weeks ago.

 

So my brain-cells are feeling a wee bit mushy at the moment... But I don't believe there has been any lasting, permanent damage done to my woolen purple banana engine blasting-cap.

 

[Nitro]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

'I think I'm burning up inside...

I think I'll take a little ride!

I'm gonna light up everything in sight!

I'll drive down to your yard,

And throw a molotov cocktail at your car--

Then another one in the local bar...!'

 

That's one of the best Offspring songs ever... It's made every driving mix tape/cd I've ever made.

 

But for sheer disturbology, nothing beats Beheaded.

[Kylilin]

Originally posted by Redwing

 

In the spirit of Ike's badgers, may I present: scampi

 

 

 

I often see Kuala Lampur trying to disguise themselves as France, the bastards.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Edlib: No sick...baaa-aaad!

 

(Get well soon.)

 

Kylilin: Looks like the pirate netted your fish, eh? Never fear...here are some more lyrics to work on:

 

Laugh and say I'm green,

I've seen things you'll never see.

Talk behind my back,

But I'm off the beaten track.

I'll take on anyone!

Ain't scared of a bloody nose,

Drink till I drop down

With one eye on my clothes.

 

What is it? I'll take it.

Who is she? I'll rape it.

Got a bet there? I'll meet it.

Getting High? You can't beat it.

[Kylilin]

I'll see your Doctor Jimmy by The who and raise you:

 

Hey my friend

It seems your eyes are troubled

Care to share your times with me

Would you say you're feeling low and so

A good idea would be to get it off your mind

 

See, you and me

Have a better time than most can dream

Have it better than the best

And so can pull on through

Whatever tears at us

Whatever holds us down

And if nothing can be done

We'll make the best of what's around

[edlib]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

Edlib: No sick...baaa-aaad!

(Get well soon.)

I never said I was sick! I just love the taste of a eggnog and Nyqil cocktail... Yummeh!

 

 

Actually the cold is gone,.. but I must have pulled a muscle from coughing so much, and now I have a sharp pain in my side, like someone jabbing me in the ribs with an icepick everytime I cough,.. sneeze,.. breathe...

 

Fun.

[Kylilin]

to quote Dennis Leary:

 

"Nyquil, Nyquil, Nyquil, we love you, you giant f***in Q"

[Zoom Rabbit]

Edlib: You don't have a pulled muscle, man! We got you a voodoo doll for Christmas. Suprise!

 

I think Nitro has it now. Or something.

 

Kylilin: Dave Matthews Band--'The Best of What's Around.'

 

My next submission to the lyrics game is a trick question...

 

'Pop-up daddy, you suck!

You want my attention? Good luck!

'Cause I'm gonna cut your head off--whee, yeah!

You'll love my cutting head off, you betcha!'

 

?

 

??

[edlib]

Eh,.. if you guys had a voodoo doll of me I'm sure the pain would be much worse,.. and lower.

 

But the thought of Nitro handling anything that's supposed to be representative of my body gives me shudders,.. and the hives.

 

So it works, in that regard...

 

[Nitro]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

Leon Russel's swizzle stick collection

I see someone else watches Las Vegas

 

Designate someone other than me,

I'm so drunk I can hardly see,

Another shot of Jager and I turn the key,

I got so many places to be!

[Zoom Rabbit]

Nitro: What's really a mind-blower is that I've never seen Las Vegas, or been there even.

 

'Leon Russel's swizzle stick collection' was just what popped into my head as I was staring at the empty subject bar...

[Kylilin]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

 

'Pop-up daddy, you suck!

You want my attention? Good luck!

'Cause I'm gonna cut your head off--whee, yeah!

You'll love my cutting head off, you betcha!'

 

?

 

??

 

ummm...yeah

 

but I'll take my turn anyway

 

"There've been times in my life,

I've been wonderin' why.

Still, somehow I believed we'd always survive.

Now, I'm not so sure

You're waiting here, one good reason to try

But, what more can I say? What's left to provide?"

[edlib]

Here is a semi-random list of things that life has taught me. You may not agree with any of them, or even find some of them completely contradictory. Fine. You are free to feel that... but it changes nothing. My brain has chosen to accept these things as part of the driving principles upon which I base by existance, and will never be waivered.

ENJOY!

 

Pizza must be eaten fresh and piping hot, straight from the oven and able to burn the roof of your mouth,.. or the next morning straight out of the box from the fridge, cold and congealed. In no other state is it ever any good... and trying to reheat it doesn't work. The same goes for most Chinese food...

 

Everybody thinks the music they listened to as a kid and young adult is the only music that was ever any good. The older you get, the worse new music sounds.

 

Women are never as impressed with a man's car as much as guys think (or wish) they are.

 

Here's my rule of thumb concerning packaged foods:

If the food you are about to eat comes in a box or a can, has a picture of the prepared food of the front with the words "serving suggestion" nearby, plus it also has the cooking directions listed in a panel on the side: IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!! No matter what it says on the box by way of "Healthy"

 

Nothing sold for $19.95 as a "limited offer only on TV" will ever work the way it was promised.

 

Practically every woman on Earth looks sexy in black fishnet. I don't know why this is, but experience tells me it's true.

 

Nobody ever really wants to hear the details about your sex-life or your bowel movements. And nobody cares to listen to how drunk you were last night either.

 

E-mail spam must work well enough for someone to make a profit, otherwise they would have stopped trying a long time ago. You will never find anyone willing to admit to ordering anything that way however.

 

The later you leave for work the more hassle your commute is going to be. This is not because the trip is any worse than most days, but because your perception is that you will never make it on time and that any delay, no matter how minor, will seem like a big deal, and you will end up acting like a rude jerk to your fellow commuters (who also most likely did not leave themselves enough time and are returning the favor back to you.)

 

There is never any good reason not to take a nap, (with perhaps the sole exeption being if you are currently driving.)

 

The scariest thing in the world is a large, well organized goup of people united behind a common goal, no matter how noble that goal might seem when you are part of the group. A strong personality can sell ideas to a group like this that would be laughed at with scorn by a single individual of that same group if it were presented to them alone in the harsh light of day. individual intellegence, logic and reasoning drop exponentially with the size of a group, and degree of organization.

 

More to come as they surface out of the bubbling sludge that is my mind... maybe...

[leXX]

Play with the rabbit.

[Ray Jones]

oh well, edlib.. i fully accept and support your list here, as long as we talk about the points 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 11 .. points 2, 7 an 10 need a more detailed definition to be accepted by my brain..

 

 

point 2 - there is actually 1 good on 10000 really really bad 'new muzac' tracks.

 

point 7 - sex details might be interesting IF there is additional video, audio or picturing material. otherwise nothing of the "massive and exhausing" sex event might be true and therefore not worth hearing. bowel movements are bowel movements. it moves and that's it. nothing to talk about. except for "i took my fist and 'moved' his bowels." .. but then again there is a need for some multimedia proof. telling someone how drunk you were always ends up in getting told how drunk someone was. it's like comparing cars.. boring conversation.

 

point 10 - good reasons not to take a nap:

1. you are driving by public transportation services and the vehicle is complete crowded with strange looking people who stare at you.

2. you are driving as passenger with your friend who has complete no sense of orientation, you are hungry and your girlfriend is waiting at home, on the bed complete with a tasty meal. also she might have got out the video cam already (see point 7).

3. mash is on tv.

these example lead to the conclusion that except for extremely dangerous or joyous ones there is never any good reason not to take a nap.

 

also i'd like to add the following:

 

if you have to make a decision and in that same second where you recognize that, you get the idea how to decide, dont review this thought. just follow it exactly. any other decision made after this is complete "wrong" and may result in desaster or at least in the fact that you stand in the slowest line at the supermarket.

 

..

..

 

wow, man.. we could be brothers, eyh?

so tell me from could-be-brother to could-be-brother (and to our hearers of course) .. is all that hair implanted?

[Kylilin]

Originally posted by edlib

 

Pizza must be eaten fresh and piping hot, straight from the oven and able to burn the roof of your mouth,.. or the next morning straight out of the box from the fridge, cold and congealed. In no other state is it ever any good... and trying to reheat it doesn't work. The same goes for most Chinese food...

 

Everybody thinks the music they listened to as a kid and young adult is the only music that was ever any good. The older you get, the worse new music sounds.

 

Women are never as impressed with a man's car as much as guys think (or wish) they are.

 

Here's my rule of thumb concerning packaged foods:

If the food you are about to eat comes in a box or a can, has a picture of the prepared food of the front with the words "serving suggestion" nearby, plus it also has the cooking directions listed in a panel on the side: IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!! No matter what it says on the box by way of "Healthy"

 

Nothing sold for $19.95 as a "limited offer only on TV" will ever work the way it was promised.

 

Practically every woman on Earth looks sexy in black fishnet. I don't know why this is, but experience tells me it's true.

 

Nobody ever really wants to hear the details about your sex-life or your bowel movements. And nobody cares to listen to how drunk you were last night either.

 

E-mail spam must work well enough for someone to make a profit, otherwise they would have stopped trying a long time ago. You will never find anyone willing to admit to ordering anything that way however.

 

The later you leave for work the more hassle your commute is going to be. This is not because the trip is any worse than most days, but because your perception is that you will never make it on time and that any delay, no matter how minor, will seem like a big deal, and you will end up acting like a rude jerk to your fellow commuters (who also most likely did not leave themselves enough time and are returning the favor back to you.)

 

The scariest thing in the world is a large, well organized goup of people united behind a common goal, no matter how noble that goal might seem when you are part of the group. A strong personality can sell ideas to a group like this that would be laughed at with scorn by a single individual of that same group if it were presented to them alone in the harsh light of day. individual intellegence, logic and reasoning drop exponentially with the size of a group, and degree of organization.

 

 

The Pizza one is definately the most important one, I can't stand a slics of lukewarm, droopy, squishy crusted pizza.

 

There is never any good reason not to take a nap, (with perhaps the sole exeption being if you are currently driving.)

 

This one I do not agree with at all. Taking a nap when you are sick as a dog is perfectly acceptable.

[Kuuki]

I have a pizza place near me where the pizza tastes great when you get it (of course after its ready), and it's even great left over too ^_^

 

hell, i gave a left over slice to someone whom i know who's a fresh-freak (everything he eats has to be freshly made), he loved it, and it sat out all night! =D (well in the fridge)

[edlib]

Originally posted by Kylilin

This one I do not agree with at all. Taking a nap when you are sick as a dog is perfectly acceptable.

Read it again... it's a double negative. I am a firm believer in napping. In fact, I can't think of a reason not to take one when you feel you need one. Napping takes all piority.

I can nap when other people are driving, I have napped on public transportation, and I occasionally nap at work (fortunately my job often allows me enough down-time and freedom to pull this off.)

[Kylilin]

oopsy, I misread. My bad.

[Shivermetimbers]

Examination of the Skull and Inner Regions of a Male High School English Teacher

 

As a medical student interning at the National Institute of Rare Specimen Research, I was asked to assist in an autopsy of the severed head of a male high school English teacher. The examination of our specimen began with an observation of the epidermis and dermis covering the skull. We found that there was nothing remarkably different about the actual skin from that of a normal person, even from our prior dissection of a female English teacher. The sebaceous glands, or oil glands attached to the hair follicles on the scalp were rather large and overactive. According to Dr Dan D. Ruff of the International Folicular Academy in Snowdome, Idaho, this is a "fairly common problem, but with regular washing over an adult lifespan it can easily be cured". The other remarkable area of the head was the hairy area of the upper lip, extending from the philtrum laterally to the corners of the mouth. The hairs were coated in dried saliva and skin cells of the type are only found on the tips of the digits but commonly left behind on other surfaces. Delving deeper into the hair-covered area of the upper lip, we found a virtual compost heap of bits of fish, pot roast, yogurt, eggs, spaghetti, and apple juice. Generally, this type of debris is only seen on young children who eat while talking and/or standing up.

Upon examining the ears, we found, superficial to the tympanic membrane, another sort of membrane similar to that in an air filter. When one of my colleagues experimented with it, he found that this membrane contorted sounds. Compliments or agreement with his ideas were loud and pleasant sounding, while jests made at him and opinions which he did not share were quiet and sounded static and unpleasant. In our examination of the female English teacher, this membrane also existed, but filtered out only completely unintelligent comments or blatant rudeness.

Upon opening the skull, we found that the bones were thicker and harder than that of the female, whose skull was indistinguishable from that of a normal human being. As we know, the brain is made up of many lobes, each having different purposes and functions. The cerebral cortex itself was grossly misshapen, swollen in some parts and shriveled in others. The cerebral lobe, which generally contains thoughts and emotions about oneself, in this case took up the vast majority of the cavity inside the skull. The posterior lobe, in which information is stored, was separated down the middle. In truly smart or even reasonably intelligent people, the right side of this lobe, where useful information is kept and can be retrieved, is larger the left side, holding some silly opinions told to the subject by someone else. In the male English teacher (but not the female) the left side was exploding with what looked like pig feces. Meanwhile, the shriveled right side was contained in a tiny steel box, welded shut. There was a tiny date engraved around the box, obviously marking its last use. It was the day after our specimen had been conceived.

Upon testing the feces like material oozing from the left posterior lobe, we found the main ingredient to be rotten bits of the notes found in the beginning and end of dry American literature texts. These notes had been chewed up and spat out the duct leading to the tongue so many times by the former teacher that the left lobe was put under extreme stress from lack of any help from the gland below it. The cogitatis gland, in the female specimen, was constantly processing the words and images which were transmitted to it by the eye, and rearranging them into new ideas. In the male teacher, the gland simply reabsorbed the information it had recently spewed out after memorizing it from a book years ago. At a cocktail party Dr. X. Tinct, professor of Mammoth Psychology at the University of Northeastern Uruguay, commented that "it's not uncommon at all for large, hairy mammals to become stuck with an idea they stole from someone else and call it their own. One mammoth does something another finds meaningful, and pretty soon its all the second mammoth can talk or think about. As soon as a mammoth accepts another's opinion as fact, the right posterior lobe locks, the cogitatis gland shuts down and the left begins exploding with something similar to pig feces. That’s a fact!" while handing his beer stein to a passing barmaid.

We proceeded on to the tumedis lobe, which was grossly oversized. As soon as it was punctured, a cloud of evil smelling pink gas arose from it. It looked and smelled similar to that substance which was found in the female English teacher's heart, and was present in the cavities where friends, family and even a generalized cavity with students were kept. It appeared to have been artificially manufactured in this brain, as a substitute for that which was missing in the heart.

After the gas (which was being emitted from an ordinary bag of potato chips) had cleared, we began looking at the inner workings of this lobe. As a bit of background, one must know that the brain is full of neurotransmitters, which crisscross and send messages around like telephone wires all through out the brain. In this lobe, however, many of the aforementioned transmitters were frayed, and some had been cut completely. We found, at the end of the soundest transmitter, what looked like a pile of photos clipped from magazines. Jerry Seinfeld, William Shakespeare, Brad Pitt, Sir Laurence Olivier, Robert Frost, and others were all taped together in a rustling mass. After removing these tiny clippings, we found that they were actually taped over a tiny mirror.

Oddly, at another one of the more reliable transmitters, we found a very small pile of famous, overused poems (24 by Robert Frost), as well as some originals filled to the brim with clichéd phrases. A few nerves left this pile; some went to the tongue and respiratory system, some to the cerebellum, where they coordinated the muscles to make this large teacher try and seem more impressive by standing up straight. In life, this would have added to the "dramatic" effect as the quaint images and symbolism emitted from underneath the contaminated upper lip. Roland Roque, an associate from the Cacophony, New Jersey based Skippin' Along Records, said that "all the pop stars have an area like this. It's where they keep their memorized songs. However, in the past years the area in the pop stars has gotten smaller, due to the fact that fewer of them sing or even know their songs". When compared, the size of this English teacher's memory gland was only slightly greater than that of Britney Spears.

The rest of the brain being relatively nonexistent, we moved to the eye. After puncturing the cornea, instead of the aqueous humor, we found a small, extra lens. According to German researcher Trudi Lenz of die Anstadt Institut Fotografik, the function of this lens is similar to that of the extra membrane in the ear. This lens, when shown an ordinary symbol, (for example, an A) would flash random, unrelated objects (such as an two adults and a child) next to it, after receiving a message from the left posterior lobe. Says Blackfish "Sunny" Crowfoot, Native American spokesperson for Oakley sunglasses, "People tend to trust what their eyes tell them. So this simply produces fake symbolic value for anything in everyday life which the male English teacher may see."

This concluded our examination of the severed head. As the rest of the cadaver has not yet been recovered by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the full autopsy may not be published for several months. It is suspected that the person responsible for the demise of our subject is a former student (white, whale, mid to late twenties) whose English papers had never been returned.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Lexx: That was hours of fun! Hours, I tell ya.

 

Shivermetimbers: That is the weirdest post I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot...

 

Edlib: True what you say about a woman not being impressed by a man's car. However, a man's not having one does seem to specifically not impress her.

 

'Yeah, is this that NASA so-and-so bigwig I wanted on the phone? Of course this is the president. Listen, my plans to beat China to the moon are on. I mean, the big prize is Mars, and the moon is on the way anyway, right? Well, obviously we aren't going to be able to do it with the space shuttles...that's why I'm earmarking an additional billion dollars to you guys for a little R&D. The additional ninety-nine billion dollars we need to do the job will come from somewhere--don't you worry about that. I want spaceships from Star Wars, and I know you boys can build 'em.'

[Sivy]

hello, today i will be speaking to Laura-Lynne Hardy about Mothers Against Teletubbies...

 

welcome Miss Hardy

good evening

now, reading your mission statement, your organisation is campaigning for the destruction of all things which involve, the popular children's programme, the teletubbies.

yes, that is correct

why?

among other things, we believe that it promotes underage sex

really?

yes. look at the evidence... there's an awful amount of hugging...

surely thats a good thing?

absolutely not, its practically bordering on molestation.

you know what else? Tinky Winky? isn't that another name for penis? Dipsy? sounds like a pole dancer's name to me. Laa-Laa? stripper! and Po?... WHORE!!

i think you're dramatizing slightly...

they talk in orgasms!!

what?

running around waving their arms about in sexual excitement, making noises... "oooooo"ing and "ahhhhh"ing all the time... its disgusting... and they're naked, and what are those things on the top of their heads? handle bars i tell you!!!!!!

well that’s all the time we have this week..

but i haven't even talked about the the subliminal messages! or the promoting of drug use... they're all crack whores... CRACK WHORES!!!

er... security?

 

this is Siv for RFS signing off

[edlib]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

Edlib: True what you say about a woman not being impressed by a man's car. However, a man's not having one does seem to specifically not impress her.

Depends where you are. I know folks who were born and raised in NYC who have never bothered to get a licence, let alone a car. Perhaps Kylilin can confirm that as well, but there are many urbanites to whom the purchase, storage, and upkeep of a motor vehicle would be an unnecessary luxury, not to mention an expensive burden.

These people seem to manage to date,.. but I guess if the guy couldn't afford Cab fare he would be kinda in the same boat as a suburbanite without wheels. Public transportation doesn't seem help romance in any way (with the sole exeption being that subway scene in "Risky Business"...)

 

On a completly unrelated note (other than a passing reference to the Northeast area)

 

DAMN! IT'S REALLY FRIKKEN' COLD AROUND HERE!!!!

 

Yikes! We might break an all-time record low temperature in the next 24 hours. It's about 3 here now, with like a -12 windchill.

The temp on top of Mount Washington was -120 with the windchill yesterday.

 

Read that again: MINUS ONE HUNDRED TWENTY DEGREES.

 

Brrrrr...

[Zoom Rabbit]

Edlib, I just drove down to the seven-eleven and checked their crushed ice--it's reading a nice, toasty warm 30 degrees. I'll ship as much of it to you as I can afford in hopes you guys can use it to insulate your homes...