The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

MdKnightR · September 26, 2005

^^^^^ Awesome joke, ChaiNz! Particularly for us here in Dawg-country (Georgia to anyone who doesn't know).

PoM · September 28, 2005

I've got a riddle.

If there is a house where all the sides point south, and there walks a bear by that house, what color is the bear?

It's kinda easy, but anyway!

RevanA4 · September 28, 2005

I've got a riddle.

If there is a house where all the sides point south, and there walks a bear by that house, what color is the bear?

It's kinda easy, but anyway!

O_o how the puck is that a riddle WHITE DAH

more computer humor

CODE PICNIC = Problem in chair not in computer

MdKnightR · September 30, 2005

There was a plane carrying 2 men and a lady that crashed in the ocean. The trio found themselves washed up on a deserted island. It wasn't long before their hormones went into overdrive. After 2 months of dirty deeds, the lady was so ashamed of what she was doing with the guys, she killed herself. A week later, the guys were so ashamed of what they were doing, they buried her!

ChAiNz.2da · October 1, 2005

^^^^

ummm... eww... hehehe...

------------------

New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Hallucination · October 1, 2005

@ MdknightR.......... um... eww....

@ chainz.2da

JediKnight707 · October 1, 2005

Here are some.....odd.........facts that I have found:

About 100 people die from choking on ballpoint pens each year

A cockroach passes gas every 15 minutes

A cockroach can survive 9 days after its head is chopped off before it starves to death

Cockroaches favorite food is the glue on back of stamps

On average every chocloate bar has 3 insect legs in it

Fish scales are a common ingrediant in lipstick

People photocopying their buttocks ass are the cause of 23% of all copy machine failures

Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button (it was surgically removed)

Hitler's mom seriously thought about getting an abortion, but was talked out of it by a doctor

1/4 of the world has a psychological problem

Hippos kill more people in Africa than crocodiles

Hippos break wind fart through their mouthes

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

If you pet a cat 70 million times, you will have developed enough static electricity to light a 60-watt light bulb for one minute

Hitler and Nopolean only had one testicle

Nopolean has my same birthday

MdKnightR · October 1, 2005

Great one ChainZ! Here's another....

One morning, a priest thought the world was coming to an end. It seemed that there must be a line a mile long for the confessional because people were coming non-stop for hours. After lunch time had come and gone, the priest was beat and had to have a break. He opened the door on his side of the box and grabbed the first parishioner he saw and pulled him to the side. He said, "My son, I have to have a break! Can you sit in there and take confession for a little while so I can get something to eat?" The parishioner was quite stunned! "But Father, I don't know the slightest thing about what to do." The priest simply told him to listen to each person and if their sin was something short of adultery, tell them to say up to 50 Hail Marys. For adultery, give them between 50-100. So the parishioner agreed.

The first person to enter confession said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I thought about committing adultery with this woman." The parishioner thought to himself well, he just considered it and didn't act upon it "Say 25 Hail Marys and be on your way." The man said, "It isn't that simple Father. I went ahead and committed adultery with this woman." The parishioner said, "Say 100 Hail Marys and be on your way." To which the man replied, "It isn't that easy Father, I also committed sodomy with this woman!" Now this caused the parishioner to panic! Father didn't say anything about sodomy! In his panic he opened the door and grabbed the first alter boy he saw and asked, "QUICK, tell me what the priest gives for sodomy!" The little boy replied in an innocent voice, "Milk and cookies."

JediKnight707 · October 1, 2005

*sobbing* *gagging* I feel violated...

Hallucination · October 1, 2005

Ever seen this before?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to

tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,

and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly

horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her

red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something

was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy

could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,

there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,

but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into

my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.

Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --

but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge

and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.

But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died

there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment

building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.

Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.

But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto

the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and

kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed

a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got

lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was

thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky

and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

MdKnightR · October 1, 2005

^^^^ I've heard it before, but it is still a classic!

RevanA4 · October 3, 2005

fun of microsoft

MdKnightR · October 3, 2005

fun of microsoft

This is GREAT! You could have posted this in the thread that deals with browsers.

RevanA4 · October 3, 2005

not really I just found it today

Hallucination · October 3, 2005

Nice one Revan!

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass hole when you're drunk."

Some stuff when you rearrange letters in words or sentences and other stuff:

DORMITORY: