Diego Varen Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Hey mach, since we're approaching the Christmas season, you could review a lot more Fics. Say five for each one, just for Christmas? Just kidding, but it would be nice. And I've appreciated your reviews over the year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 What are you trying to do Pottsie? Give the man a heart attack? Give the ole guy a break. What he churns out comes on his own time. Just for that I'll dangle my manuscript tantalizingly close to your reach. Then you will be even more tortured about my fic Mach: keep up the pace you set. If you feel tired, take a nap. It always works Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 Hey mach, since we're approaching the Christmas season, you could review a lot more Fics. Say five for each one, just for Christmas? Just kidding, but it would be nice. And I've appreciated your reviews over the year. Maybe I might, Pottsie. But as that would be my Christmas present to all of you, what do I get in return? What are you trying to do Pottsie? Give the man a heart attack? Give the ole guy a break. What he churns out comes on his own time. Just for that I'll dangle my manuscript tantalizingly close to your reach. Then you will be even more tortured about my fic Mach: keep up the pace you set. If you feel tired, take a nap. It always works. Since I can't get a publisher interested in my work, my wife is screaming that I have to give up writing and get a real job, and no agents have appeared, who needs sleep? The Momerator just pruned a bunch of off-topic posts and would like to remind everyone to stay on topic. PMs work great for discussion of book purchases as this thread is about reviews. Thanks much, Jae. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 17, 2006 Author Share Posted November 17, 2006 Some people asked for me to expand this review for Christmas. If you want this, contact me via e-mail or PM, and I'll consider it. Coruscant Entertainment Center Lone Free Mercenary Pottsie Ten Years after The Phantom Menace: A Banished Trandoshan finds friends among the mercenaries of Nar Shadaa The style is hurried, and you’re having some problems with stilted dialogue, but nothing that editing and polishing won’t cure. As much as people have lambasted you about not merely executing the main character at his murder trial, There have been such situations before. For those interested in history up until 1970 it was not murder to kill a black man in some Southern States. The penalty was only 15 years in Mississippi while killing a white person would get you the chair. The Rise of Xanatos Darth Grivis In an Alternate Universe, Obi Wan and Qui Gon enroute to Naboo face another threat. Spelling, grammar, and pacing all need work. First, you are hurrying the story, trying to keep a movie like pace, but leaving gaps that are needing to be filled. As I have told others before, your story does not have to take less than 2 hours to read, so you don‘t have the handicap Hollywood constantly deals with. Slow it down, take your time. Make sure the reader is comfortable. Just for people like me, you could also mention if your work is Alternate Universe. That way someone doesn’t scream when they see someone die a bit early. No biggie, just a request. Evidence Mace MacLeod Set after the fall of the Empire in an Alternate universe: A surveillance tape is examined. All right, everything nasty that can be said has really been said by those that commented before me. I agree that the strings of numbers etc. are a bit long, but it lends verisimilitude. The thing that bothered me was the ‘drone armies’ capturing the Emperor, and his being freed ‘by the Jedi’. Interesting universe you're creating here... The Jedi Archives Master's Night Out JasraLantril No specific time given: What do master’s do when their students are working hard? First, JasraLantril is up to the same level as always. I’m waiting for a reason to complain. I started into this, and immediately began to chuckle. The scenes are well done, and reminiscent of the writing of Terry Pratchett, who used at least part of one scene in ‘Guards Guards’. The interplay between the masters is what you expect from old friends commiserating about their dunderhead students. Well worth a read, but too damn short. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Last Days on the Tigris Konig15 An AU Obi-Wan Kenobi Origin Story The style is good, and since we’re dealing with juveniles, the language can slide. The scenes are laid out in a workmanlike manners, and it flows relatively well. Just editing and polishing is really needed. All right, tech complaints. The terms Janissary, Hospitalar and Templar are linked to a specific belief system, and the term ‘Christian Love’ would tell anyone which one. The problem is, like Halloween and Christmas, they are most definitely linked to one specific planet, which is not part of the Mythos of Star Wars by definition. A Slippery Road of Good Intentions nefertiti Set not long after The Empire Strikes Back: A woman wakes in the hospital and finds that she has been ‘enhanced’. There are some problems with grammar spelling, and punctuation, but nothing that can’t be corrected by editing and polishing. The style flows smoothly, and the description is crisp and well done. The Star War universe had always been more laid back about the idea of cyborgs than most of modern science fiction. The shock would be bad if it were you, I admit, and the character’s reactions are perfect. RotS - Missing scenes *short story* 92SE-r A series of missing scenes The style is good, the area being filled in while it is not necessary, does add to the content of the canon. Well done. kotorfanmedia From the the light side female exile index. Beginning of an Exile skypilot Commentary on the Exile when she was still a student. The style is good, though you do have a few minor problems with spelling and grammar. Nothing a little polishing won’t fix. Technical note: Why is forming force bonds rapidly automatically a Sith technique? Especially if it is something natural to the person? There were comments about it in the Sith Lords, but nothing that suggested that it was automatically evil. Murder Luna Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view. A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them. Interludes: Dxun Wook A little acrimony and reminiscence on Dxun. The style is a bit abrupt, but all in all a good piece. Fifteen readers gave it a thumbs up. The extra information of Mandalore’s past is always a good addition, and remembering Mira as a child (Though we only assume it from her actions then) was choice. A note I forgot to make when I posted the review to Wook’s story, the idea that the Mandalorians are polygamous will work, it was just a surprise. Minor Technical note: S’mores? Does chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows even exist in that universe? Though I understood the reasoning behind the reference I know that the only other one I can toss off the top of my head (Hot Dogs) would have been just as glaring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. I do agree that Lone Free Mercenary wasn't my best piece of work, since I do admit it was rushed. Thanks anyway mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmethystWolf Posted November 18, 2006 Share Posted November 18, 2006 Murder Luna Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view. A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them. Good evening! Author here; I just stumbled across your comment in my email, and I wanted to say thank you for your thoughts. And thank you for your bit critique as well; if you had any other thoughts, I'd enjoy seeing them. You've made my day, sir. (I'm assumimg you are a gentleman because of your chosen name, pardon me if I'm mistaken) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 18, 2006 Author Share Posted November 18, 2006 Good evening! Author here; I just stumbled across your comment in my email, and I wanted to say thank you for your thoughts. And thank you for your bit critique as well; if you had any other thoughts, I'd enjoy seeing them. You've made my day, sir. (I'm assumimg you are a gentleman because of your chosen name, pardon me if I'm mistaken) Always glad to hear from those I speak of. As for gender, yes I'm a man, though I haven't been called a gentleman in the last decade or so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Now you can see that chivalry isn't dead yet mach. Again good reviews. I have read a few that you have reviewed from KFM and I find them to be entertaining. I personally enjoy the attempts at brevity during the seriousness of TSL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 20, 2006 Author Share Posted November 20, 2006 Now you can see that chivalry isn't dead yet mach. Nope, just badly wounded. As I said, KFM has a lot of excellent writers, and there are times I can't choose one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted November 20, 2006 Share Posted November 20, 2006 Mach, thanks for all the reviews for my fics. I might update them later so I can fix them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kas'!m Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 Anyone willing to help me in my fic? I just need an editor. PM me if you want to help. Sorry if this is the wrong place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 22, 2006 Author Share Posted November 22, 2006 Anyone willing to help me in my fic? I just need an editor. PM me if you want to help. Sorry if this is the wrong place. Sure, kid. Send it to my email address. If the system still says you can't, PM me and I'll send it to you. But don't expect me to jump right on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center Once Friends, Now Enemies pottsie After TSL: Revan and an old friend face off. The style is not too bad, Pottsie, but the thing to remember is that short fiction is supposed to finish, not leave you hanging. Who won the fight? Apprentices: A Legacy of the Force Fanfic Tysyacha Based on two novels in the Legacy of the Force series from LucasBooks The style needs polishing, but beyond that, I didn’t find a lot to complain about. Sigh, Another time I wish I could read it all. Revan's Second, Redeemed Tysyacha Unfinished intro into TSL All I have to say, is why didn’t you finish? The Jedi Archives Love and Tranquility Mr. BFA In interim between KOTOR and TSL: On Dantooine Revan makes a decision. A short piece, but poignant. The style needs some smoothing out, but it was good and kept my interest. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater The Hand of Thrawn: Penelope Violetlight During the rise of Admiral Thrawn: The Empress visits a damaged base. The style is a bit stilted, but that is a polishing problem more than anything else. Keep up the good work. Technical note. If the aging figures given in several books were accurate, the original clones of the 501st would be in their eighties. There was no mention in the books of further cloning operations that I am aware of except for the small number of clones made in the Admiral Thrawn series which would have been aging at a much faster rate. Dark Times Serial Bendu After the raid on Coruscant which starts ROTS: A young Jedi is sent on a mission The style is good, the pacing well thought out, and the interplay excellent. Possibilities nefertiti About six years before ANH: A lead up to the Rebellion seen from a number of different perspectives. Except for some editing, spelling, and using the wrong words (such as assignation instead of assassination) the piece slowly and surely leads you toward the coming war. Excellent work kotorfanmedia From the light side female exile index. The Broken Lightsaber skypilot As the Exile tries to repair a lightsaber, she gets help from Bao Dur. The story is an interesting vignette more for the explanation of how a lightsaber is made, and the idea that a crystal supposedly changes to match the wielder. The explanations for the malfunctions are linked to this, and are worth looking at. Bonds Broken, Bonds Forged starphire In the words of the author: Very short, very Bao-Dur-centric The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it was subject matter more than anything else. The work is excellent. I don’t know if the authors of the game had considered a romance between these two characters, but I say go for it. Always Jaden Firestar One year after KOTOR: A forbidden love leads both the Exile and Revan down different paths. There were problems with word usage, but nothing that a good editing job would not cure. The story is interesting, and the byplay explaining the shared pasts of both Revan and the Exile helps in understanding their characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. Perhaps I like to leave you all hanging. Looking foward to more reviews next week on the 1st December 2006. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I read Always. It was an interesting fic considering that you don't see what may have happened before the events of KOTOR and TSL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 26, 2006 Author Share Posted November 26, 2006 I read Always. It was an interesting fic considering that you don't see what may have happened before the events of KOTOR and TSL. One of the reasons I like doing these reviews is because maybe you might get interested in reading some of the other stuff out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I know. I wonder if there are people who realize this? Anyway, you are a valuable resource mach. Your stuff's not that bad either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Thanks for the another review, Mach! And i also agree with JM12. I've read KOTOR Excerpts and The Beginning and Republic Dawn. And they were an enjoyable read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambrose Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Thanks for the reviews, mach! I really appreciate it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested? I believe mach reviews the oldest Fics in the Forums at the present time. One of his many posts in this Thread explains this is more detail though. I believe your first Fic was reviewed Ambrose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 Just out of curiosity, do you browse the forums and pick what to review or do you only review what is requested? I started with the bottom on all sites when I began reviewing with the idea that I would get the newer stuff eventually, as I have. As it is by January I expect to be reviewing just two sites because the Galactic Senate only has about a dozen left that I haven't reviewed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center The hunt for the greys. Ali Gelmar No specific timeline given: A Jedi returns to the Academy for assistance. There are spelling errors, problems with word usage (Cutting someone in half at the wait instead of waist) and you haven‘t been using quotation marks or punctuation correctly. Also you have to remember that every time a different person speaks, you need paragraph breaks. So far in the universe, I have not seen Gray Jedi except in fan fiction. Is it possible that you guys are reacting to the fact that you’re either perfect and a light side or not and are considered Dark side? The Galaxy Is Yours Master Jimmy Tony Montana of Scarface meets Star Wars. Grammar and spelling problems, and you keep jumping tenses from past to present. It makes it confusing. You also make the mistake most kids do when going from RPGs of calling a sword dagger etc a melee weapon. Read my article in the expert forum on weapons. Jimmy, people use curse words when they can’t think of anything else to say, and don’t care about being polite. Try to be a little more polite. The Adventures of Jaden Lennon Pottsie Interim between KOTOR and TSL: The Exile tries to survive his exile. Some grammar errors and it needs polishing. The basic story is good, but treating a Republic cruiser as a transport doesn’t really work. The transport driver tapping his horn was a bit much. The Jedi Archives The True Teachings II: Forbidden Knowledge igyman During the Yuuzhan Vong war: A half human half Yuuzhan Vong boy learns the dark side The basic story is good, and it primarily needs polishing and rereading. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater AU: Star Wars: Darth Yoda: Darth Grivis In an Alternate Universe, Yoda falls to the dark side. The language is stilted, and needs some polishing. A few grammar problems, but again, nothing that editing will not cure. Star Wars: The Rise of Darth Plagues Darth Grivis Alternate Universe: The teacher of Darth Sidious makes his own run at emperor. Too short to really call, though the writing is good. The fight scene is stilted, but that is an editing problem. Star Wars: The Rise of Desann Darth Grivis Set during Jedi outcast: In an alternate universe, Desann wins The scenes are good, but you’re forcing the story along instead of letting it flow. kotorfanmedia From the light side female exile index. Parallax palmetto Set in TSL: A brief interlude aboard the Ebon Hawk The story is like a good beer, refreshing going down, a smooth finish, and leaving you wanting another. Very well done! 33 people gave this a thumbs up. Pazaak Keeps Me Sane JediExile TK421 An alarming look into Atton’s head. I was disturbed by this work. It was good, but the interplay inside Atton’s head made me feel uncomfortable. Then again, it was supposed to, so the author did some good work. The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR-style Charys The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on. Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. And I agree that the Adventures of Jaden Lennon wasn't the best thing I wrote. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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