machievelli Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 First, Happy Yule to my fellow Pagans. Merry Christmas to the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, Solemn Tet to the Buddhists Happy Boxing Day to Canadians Coruscant Entertainment Center Jedi Forces Part I - Shadows of War Pottsie A Jedi on a mission receives back up. Some problems with wording and context in the first few paragraphs (Now all he had to do was wait until both him and his apprentice, Rosh Penin to arrive at Coruscant.) starts as past tense, then shifts in mid sentence to present. The story seems to me to be a bit forced at the start, but smoothes out before the end of the first chapter. Episode 3.2 - Revenge of the Sith Revisited SamR Rewrite of the ROTS: Script format. First, you don’t use expletives in the action portions of a script (After several clever moves) because a script is measured as approximately one page per minute, and every extra word slows that measure down. Be succinct. As an example, I wrote a script called About Last Knight and my entire comment about an off scene battle (Duration about fifteen seconds) was ‘shouting and screaming. As the camera pans to cover the scene the hero is standing in front of a pile of severed parts too large to be the three men he was facing’. Jedi Knight: Stories Of Leon Ali Gelmar Jaden Korr takes her own apprenctice on a mission. All right, the work is lacking proper punctuation. There are sentences that don’t read correctly at first glance, and I had to go back and reread to see why. The rest of the Critique is technical, and it has to do with proper military protocol and operational communications. First, as much as the name sounds good, you don’t have time in combat to use an entire squadron name in every communication. As an example in the Rogue Squadron series the pilots went by numbers and merely call themselves rogue. So Wedge Antilles was Rogue leader, or Rogue one. Second, most combat communications protocols do not connect the sides, so having the bad guy threaten you over your own frequency is not done. If they can listen into your coms, you can listen into theirs. In the midst of a free flowing furball like any dogfight you don’t have time for witty repartee. Last no Squadron Captain is going to talk to an admiral like you have yours doing. Note that in the Return of the Jedi, Lando is a General, and speaking to an admiral in that manner made sense. But you didn’t see Wedge lambasting him. The Call To Vengence darthvixen 06 A Jedi Master plots his revenge The main thing I see wrong is no conversation breaks. What I would suggest is first editing this section, then adding to it. The scene is flowing too rapidly, and is a bit confusing. As for the time between joining and posting, how do you expect the kid to just let it flow? It might have taken that long to even take the chance and you guys are jumping down the poor kid’s throat. Bad readers. Coal in your stockings. The Legend Of Darth Severence Jackisonfire 78 years after ROTJ: Two Dark Jedi attack the temple. The piece is really to short to call, but there is one glaring problem. It is being shoved forward too rapidly to really enjoy. Since according to canon Luke was 22 at the time of the original Star Wars, it means Luke would be about 100 years old about now. What are the odds (What with the Imperial Rump the Yuuzan Vong and the Killicks) that he would have lived that long? The Jedi Archives The Young Jedi Exile Pottsie A look at the exile age 15 First, your prologue is confusing. You start with the end of TSL, but then take a sharo turn and say ‘but let’s look fifteen odd years earlier’ when that has as far as I can tell, little to do with the start. Was cloning common 4,000 years earlier? It’s unlikely that A: the Jedi would allow it, and B: that someone could even afford it. Right now on this planet there are maybe 200 people rich enough to foot the bill for something this complex. A Box of Lies JediMaster12 The exile is upset with Atton being himself. The piece was a bit confusing with it’s flashbacks, but it flowed well, and kept you reading so it works well. The Early Path of Jaden Darth Grivis The story is abrupt and there is almost no action beyond the one fight scene, I had not heard about the book which was mentioned, and was ready to lambaste you over it. My only real complaint is that Tatooine is the galactic equivalent of Jacksboro Texas where I was born, which was nothing more than a wide spot in the road in 1953. Why does everyone end up there? Freefall igyman Set in the alternate universe of The True Teachings: A young Sith fights against her fate. The scenes were well done, the story adequate to it’s own needs. The ending was exquisite. Virgin Sands Ambrose A brief romantic vignette between the exile and Visas. The scene is well laid out, the characters true to their natures. Very well done. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Consumed Emalin During TSL: Atton and the Disciple face off in one of the many cut scenes. The constant driving himself to attack makes Atton look not only real, but a little deranged. Very well done. Return of the Gizka Emalin A slightly comedic confrontation between Atton and the Gizka from hell. The scene was well set up, and the denouement was totally surprising and at the same time funny. Again, well done. Converging Fates DarthSolo An alternate version of TPM: The scenes need fleshing out, the characterization needing fine tuning. My main hang up is why everything sideslipped four years further along, yet nothing changed. The writer portrays Anakin at 13, by which time he had been a Jedi apprentice for four years, but still a slave on Dantooine, and the ‘Naboo Crisis’ has not yet occurred. kotorfanmedia The General Returns to War ocelott Set after TSL: The exile finally meets Revan again. The scenes are well laid out, the story flows smoothly. The self denigrating way Danna (Revan) speaks is instantly appealing. My favorite line is Revan’s ‘Go figure. You create an evil empire, kill a few million people, and you start to get a bad rep.” Malak: Before the Downfall sikon A different view of the battle of Malachor: The scenes are well laid out, and my only complaints are with characterization. Revan comes off distant, and almost unattached. Malak is a whiny little person complaining that they won’t let him play, and Livia (Exile) comes off as a reincarnation of General Elphinstone. I enjoyed the characters though I couldn’t feel a lot of sympathy for them. An Unwelcome Recollection ocelott During the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan deals with another part of her past. The work is up to ocelott’s usual standards. The scene in the garden is perfect because Jolee is just himself, but that gives Revan what she needs, a willing ear and someone not too judgmental. All in all an excellent read. The Last Good Thing grimrabbit Revan’s possible happiness with Carth hits a snag... The writing is up to the usual quality, the scenes well laid out, the angst very well portrayed. One thing, I caught all sorts of flak because I was told that Carth’s wife was Morgana. Maybe they were wrong. Still good work. What Dreams May Come grimrabbit Set in the interim before KOTOR: Revan’s descent The writing is excellent, the flow well thought out. The only problem I had with the character of Revan has already been voiced in Family Chapter one. But seeing the character progress does explain a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Wow. I mean... Wow!! See people, it pays off to listen to the advices mach gives in his reviews. Heck, when I asked him to do this review I had no idea I did that good of a job with Freefall. Woot for me! And, of course, thank you mach for taking the time (for the fifth time) to do a review for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Thanks for the reviews mach. The Young Jedi Exile was supposed to be like the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It starts off with the Exile young, before returning to the present when she is older. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Thanks mach for the review. That was one of my more challenging pieces seeing as I was never truly satisfied with how Atton's nature was dealt with in the game by the female Exile. I decided to spread my wings and be a little creative. In so doing, I ended up playing around with dialogue from some of my favorite movies. Again thanks mach. Your critiquing always inspires me to do what I consider fun. Happy Holidays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelott Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Wow! Thank you so much for the reviews! I wasn't expecting it at all, and then to be hit by two... thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed them. Also, kudos for remembering Boxing Day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 As for the time between joining and posting, how do you expect the kid to just let it flow? It might have taken that long to even take the chance and you guys are jumping down the poor kid’s throat. Bad readers. Coal in your stockings. I agree with mach--it's the kind of negative criticism that we should not be offering and was entirely unnecessary. If I hadn't been in Memphis that week for an out-of-town meeting, I would have caught it and dealt with it appropriately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Thanks for the review Mach, The book that is mentioned is in this Book and in this parogragh on Wookiepedia: Returning to Tatooine, Luke spent much time at the old residence of Obi-Wan Kenobi, where he constructed a new green lightsaber with the help of a journal prepared by Kenobi, based on the design of his old lightsaber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambrose Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Machiavelli, thanks for the review! I'm glad you found my work well-done, though more's the pity in that you found nothing in it that was worth giving advice about. Thanks again, and know that your input on my works are always welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 Machiavelli, thanks for the review! I'm glad you found my work well-done, though more's the pity in that you found nothing in it that was worth giving advice about. Thanks again, and know that your input on my works are always welcome! I always have a stock of advice, I just usually don't dispense it here beyond the basics. Thanks for the review Mach, The book that is mentioned is in this Book and in this parogragh on Wookiepedia: Returning to Tatooine, Luke spent much time at the old residence of Obi-Wan Kenobi, where he constructed a new green lightsaber with the help of a journal prepared by Kenobi, based on the design of his old lightsaber. My problem with it is that one of the founding principles is that constructing a lightsaber is complex, and requires the use of the force. If you have ever read the book Crystalsinger by McCaffery, they use crystals that require eidetic memory, perfect pitch, and a 'feel' for the tension of the setting supports for communications. If you happen to read my own work KOTOR Excerpts (Post 45), and go to the chapter 'lightsaber' you see that was the method I used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emalin Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 I appreciate your reviews, machievelli, and the time you put into reading everyone's work. Thank you so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 29, 2006 Author Share Posted December 29, 2006 My last week has not even remotely been fun. My computer hicoughed and went to an older image deleting the files necessary to access my older reviews, and kept me off the net until just a couple of days ago. The review will be up, just not immediately. Sorry about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 29, 2006 Share Posted December 29, 2006 My last week has not even remotely been fun. My computer hicoughed and went to an older image deleting the files necessary to access my older reviews, and kept me off the net until just a couple of days ago. The review will be up, just not immediately. Sorry about that. No problem mach. Sorry about your previous week and your computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 29, 2006 Author Share Posted December 29, 2006 No problem mach. Sorry about your previous week and your computer. The computer was just the icing on the cake, though it was the start. I see no reason to go into everything that went wrong. As a pagan, my holiday (21 Dec, Solstice) was not affected. But my wife, older step daughter Mother and Father in law, and the SD's boyfriend had theirs totally ruined by the younger step daughter and her boyfriend. As the quiet center of the hurricane, I caught most of the flak from all directions. I finally finished downloading all of my previous critiques, which is necessary for assuring that I don't unintentionally overlap. At this rate the column will be up tonight or tomorrow. Again, sorry about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 29 December 2006 Lucasforums Unveiled Hope The Doctor 3000 years after the book series: What the world would be like without the Jedi. An interesting slice of life work, unfinished as of yet. I’m waiting for more. One reviewer commented that it seemed odd using poison set within a thermostat, actually, in the very first Dorsai stories, the Dorsai used nickel shavings dumped in the ground water to poison an enemy occupying force. All that is needed is a poison mixture that is volatile at the temperature you wish to use. Shadow From The Past DarthSion 101 40 Years after ROTS: General Grievous strikes again. The story is trying to flow movie quick, and it doesn’t succeed. The basics are good, it just needs to be smoothed out and tweaked. For a moment I thought I had read this before, but I was incorrect. The same theme on the Galactic Senate A Greivous Encounter (With no specific time given) had the good mechanical General tearing up a couple of unsuspecting Jedi. KOTOR III: The True Sith Reckoning Tysyacha and Machievelli For obvious reasons, I cannot review this one. Any takers? star wars return of the mandalorians Big Daddy Set after ROTJ: Boba Fett looks into some suspiscious circumstances Your moving the story too fast, trying to draw the reader along, but instead it feels like I’m being dragged. Slow it down kid, spend some time creating the scene for the reader, especially those who may not know who you’re introducing. Journeyman HerbieZ Set during KOTOR II: A resident of the Refugee sector takes a walk. The piece is a bit bland, and you’re ‘make them the alien of your choice’ actually helps make it more bland. The character is lackluster and needs something for the reader to be interested. The idea is good it just needs some work. The Jedi Archives star Wars:The Survivors of the Battle Darth Grivis At the end of the Mandalorian Wars: Revan begins on the dark path, and Canderous betrays Jagi. The style is a little stilted, trying to cover too much action in too few words. It needs to be smoothed out to be really good. The biggest problems I saw was the description in the game sounded more like a space battle to me, but that might merely be my own training. The other was that Canderous did not betray Jagi as you showed. Rather he took an opportunity that led to Jagi and his men being left to die. Your version suggests that Canderous did so intentionally. Final Breath Ambrose An interesting rewrite of the fight in the Telos Temple in KOTOR II The style is smooth and crisp, needing only polishing. The problem I had with the scene as you portrayed it was the idea that Brianna attacked her sisters, which in the game she did not do. She defended herself. A minor problem after all. Echoes of Darkness Pottsie Set after TSL: The Exile goes in Search of Revan. The style needs some work, but the basics are good and already there. I am going to have to comment on communicating into hyperspace. I have never seen anything in the canon that suggests it’s possible, and what I know about physics suggests it is not. Czerka Public Relations Jae Onasi Set during or just previous to TSL: One-Way to get the truth out of a Corporate big wig. Jae, thank you for brightening my week. A very fun little read. kotorfanmedia Insisto Part I HeFe Trapped in a damaged Ebon Hawk: The crew attempts to save themselves. The piece tended to run every which way, which confused me a bit. The action needs to be smoothed out, but other than that, it was pretty good. Fighting Spirit Alexandra As some armor is modified, Revan tells Carth of Deralia. The piece is very well done, and the dialogue flows readily. Worth a read. Because Lilianjoy Intertwined with a song, Revan deals with her feelings for Malak. The story needs some polishing editing and rereading. I was a bit confused. Was Revan in love with Malak? The way it is written I thought it might be the case until the ending scene. The two Revans? Tallboy Dave A game player is sucked into the game with the expected results. The style is reminiscent of the more modern take offs on the ‘Connecticut Yankee’ by Twain. The basic idea has been over done (Unidentified Flying Oddball by Disney, etc) but still a good way to play it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. If it is possible, once I've completed the remaining two parts of the saga, could you review all four of them together? Thanks. Looking foward to more reviews and I'm glad you managed to post the reviews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. If it is possible, once I've completed the remaining two parts of the saga, could you review all four of them together? Thanks. Looking foward to more reviews and I'm glad you managed to post the reviews. Let me know when it's done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Let me know when it's done. I will. Thanks mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Lucasforums Blood Band Brothers Dark Lady Alternate Universe; The crippled and reborn Vader fights alongside the Jedi against the Emperor. The story works well, and flows smoothly. The action is spaced well enough that it isn’t confusing. My biggest problem is technical. You have four different types of ship all called Star Destroyer. However ‘Frigate’ and Star Destroyer are two different classes. I have noticed this problem before, not only in Star Wars. In the Authorized Deep Space 9 tech manual half the ships are merely called ‘explorers’, which does not give them a type designation, especially when one is a Galaxy Class Vessel and another is the size of the Voyager Class ships. Read my post in the Expert Forum regarding class versus type. Star Wars: CSI: Coruscant CSI Nihilus Second story in the series combing CSI and Star Wars : The concept actually draws you along, even as you aren’t sure whether you like it or not. Like the first I was more interested in how you assigned duties than the basic story (Which begins as a retelling of an actual 1st season CSI episode). My question is; Why is Visas the only one that gave a planet and race of origin? And Wasn’t Exar Kun from forty years earlier? Knights of the Force - Episode I : Shadows of the Force Jason Skywalker A year after TSL: Two Jedi are sent on a mission on Coruscant. All right, you have editing problems. I constantly say ‘reread and rewrite’ and the reason is sometimes your mind is flowing too fast, and the story doesn’t make it completely to your fingertips. There are places where words are left out (Middle of post eight ‘suddenly, lot of species’. Missing ‘a ‘ before lot). The story flows well except for those little hitches. You also need to work on your Characterization and descriptions. You throw out the name Kenobi, and wait over a paragraph to mention his first name, and all we know about the two Padawan is one if male, and the other female. No comments on home worlds, or even basic descriptions. You also list the council but then have someone that wasn’t named speaking (Shan). The Rodianters-"loked in" TSR In the interim between ROTS and ANH: A team or Rodians go bounty hunting. Remember conversation breaks. Otherwise the reader won’t know for sure who is talking. The style needs some polish and the pacing needs to be adjusted slightly. Other than that, pretty good. The Jedi Archives The Destruction of Telos Anakin Skywalker Before the beginning of KOTOR: The planet Telos is attacked A few minor problems, all with the basic story rather than the work, which only needs polish. First, you had Karath pretty much repeat what he said in KOTOR before they obliterated Taris. Considering the Sith, and Malak’s reaction there, it’s highly unlikely that he would have protested the same way. Second, I seriously doubt that Karath would have been trusted so completely when he turned his coat. Having him fly down, collect personal prisoners etc suggests that he had free run. Traitors are never trusted immediately. Third, Telos was pretty much the first attack of the Jedi Civil War. It is not reasonable to assume you have time to bombard the planet, invade it, grab citizens and take the time to torture them all in the same day. From what I know of military ops, the landing by the Sith was probably to grab any intelligence they could use, assure that specific structures were destroyed, or targets that were considered valuable were destroyed etc. As an example Seal teams went in before the US attacked into Kuwait and Iraq during the Gulf War to spot enemy ships that might try to come out. The Mandalorian Wars Anakin Skywalker Before the events of KOTOR: The search for the Star Forge begins on Dxun. The story needs polishing, especially in your scene changes. Things go from place to place too fast. All right, first, you gave two different names for Revan’s brother (Doshin in the prologue, and Valen later) Second, Carth would have been the equivalent of a first lieutenant when the Jedi entered the war. Most people do not pay attention to an officer of such a junior rank. If you had mentioned him as an aide to Karath, it would have worked better. Last, you are adding the numbers of Jedi as if they are plug and play in a military structure, and they are not. As I mentioned in another review the reason the Jedi were called ‘General’ is so that they could be plugged into an ongoing crisis, but they can’t all show up at the same place enmasse, and be thrown into battle leading troops that have never heard of them. Even the best new CO needs time to talk to his underlings. Star Wars: Darth Yoda 2: The Dark Civil War Darth Saruman In an Alternate Universe: Two Dark lords, Yoda and Sidious battle it out for supremacy. The wording is cumbersome and confusing. You use words that mean something else in the wrong place (Looking at a devise {to plan} instead of a device {A machine} that kind of thing) It needs to be reread, edited, and polished. More important, the knowledge that Padme had children was and should be a secret. If you have read the Harry Potter series, you know that there was a reason Voldemort considered a child a legitimate target. kotorfanmedia Bitter Partings Chapter One Rinter After Revan went in search of the Traya Academy, Carth receives her last message. The style is well done, the work could use some polish, but don’t let that stop you from reading it. CyberCat During the Mandaloran Wars: Revan and Malak enter the battle. Some problems with word usage (Trough instead of truth. Calvery {The hill where Jesus was Crucified} instead of Cavalry) but the style works well enough. It needs editing and polishing. No biggie. On a technical note, you have battles raging in three different systems, while a commander would have trouble managing just one on the tactical level. Sacrifice Ocelott Aboard the Endar Spire: The thoughts of Trask during the last moments of his life. The scene is well done, and the basics of dealing with someone who has had their memories erased well documented. What I though was interesting was the idea that Trask was actually Revan’s brother. It makes his sacrifice more important. What happens next? Mara Jade Skywalker After the confrontation on Malachor: An interlude between Atton and theExile The scene flows well, and is amusing in it’s own way. The Exile not sure if she should kill him or kiss him at one point is a nice touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 No reviews for me, but congratulations to everyone reviewed. Looking foward to the reviews next week. Keep it up mach and will you keep reviewing more Fics, even though Christmas is over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelott Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Wow, another review! Thanks very much, machievelli. Glad you liked it; it's my personal favourite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Wow, another review! Thanks very much, machievelli. Glad you liked it; it's my personal favourite. I have no favorites, as the ArchBishop in Lady Hawk said, 'It's my job'. I liked the work, but let's not get too flowery. After all, I have to do it again next week... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I knew there was something I forgot. Happy New Year, may the CEC be filled with many more great Fics and thanks to mach for all his hard work on all the reviews. I enjoy reading them. Just think, mach, you've nearly be reviewing here for two years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I knew there was something I forgot. Happy New Year, may the CEC be filled with many more great Fics and thanks to mach for all his hard work on all the reviews. I enjoy reading them. Just think, mach, you've nearly be reviewing here for two years. Fourteen months. Let's be exact here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Oh a stickler are you mach? Still I think most of us are in agreement that you give splendid reviews and from your selections I have read a few and found them delightful. Congrats to everyone who received a review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Oh a stickler are you mach? Still I think most of us are in agreement that you give splendid reviews and from your selections I have read a few and found them delightful. Congrats to everyone who received a review. Let's put it this way: I started watching Star Trek in 1966, when it started. I wrote my first Star Trek story at 20. I watched every series until Enterprise when they threw Canon aside for a story line. When the man making the movies tells you 'to hell with what you have been told is right and proper for thirty years' that is when I stop paying attention to them. There are few writers on that list, but there are some. If you're tha author, or the one who carries on for them, you stay true to that course. Either you stick to what is right, or you write something else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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