machievelli Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 This week is all LF. Not because I thought it would balance out, but because they revamped the KFM site and I was hopelessly frustrated. I'll be back in there again next week though The Path of Revan Grace 4100 years after KOTOR: A young exile decides to follow Revan’s path. The story is well written, though I have to agree with the statements made by other reviewers. The path is a little too clearly laid out. Not breadcrumbs scattered along, but huge billboards. A simpler way that would have been more successful would have been having her follow along and listen rather than having ‘spirit guides’ every step of the way. Have them instead watching and nudging her. I also agree we should get more. Frozen Bee Hoon During TSL: A descent into madness. Problems with editing, but nothing major; remember to punctuate at the end of dialogue. This is excellent work Bee Hoon. I could watch the fall with both a clinical admiration, and a disturbing alarm. You did what I did not in my own TSL work, looked inside how Atris had fallen. I gave reason, but you give us the sand castle crumpling. If I had voted, you would have gotten one. Desperate Times, Desperate People Starmark2K Minor problems with editing. It’s on board, not on born. Technical note: Most occupation forces, even the worst ones, avoid merely killing people because they are at present not of value. Having them sent off to a concentration camp and disappear I feel would have been a better way to show casual brutality instead of just killing them. It was a bit off topic I agree, but well done anyway. He Who Wins Topsite Anything negative I could have said has already been addressed. The piece does have one problem, but it is on a personal level. You see Qui Gon was a believer in the Unifying Force, unlike most of the masters. In the book of the first movie he debated with Obi Wan because his apprentice had followed the other path. He would have understood Anakin’s problems with losing his mother more readily than Obi Wan, and when it came to the attack on Padme, he would have been more able to talk the hotheaded kid down. But that is two different views of the same character, and both are equally valid. Descent Into Shadow Darth InSidious Long after TSL: Oldtimers reminisce before a young Padawan I agree with the comment that it was surprise, and it was an enjoyable read. The only real complaint is there should have been more of a disparity in ages between Carth and Canderous. Remember Carth was in his forties (Approximately estimated from time he claimed having served) While Canderous claimed to have fought over 40 years, and assuming an age of 15, that would make him a minimum of mid to late 60s in KOTOR. I especially liked your comment in a reply; ‘I was a bit worried about this, but the three of them just wouldn't do as I meant them to....’ I always thought I was the only one that had my characters take off into right field when I was working. No Escape Igyman No specific period given: A woman willingly embraces the dark Anything negative that could be said has already been said. I enjoyed as did Tysyacha the stepping from ‘promising employee’ to removal anticipated. The primary problems I had with it are technical; as efficient as she is supposed to be, I was surprised that she merely took the man’s word that she would be allowed to walk away. If he had been a senior company employee (Say her own boss) it would have made more sense. Second; the man she faced was stupid in that he didn’t disarm her. That would have made more sense. I thought however knowing why her family had been slaughtered would have been better. In an old Black Exploitation move whose name escapes me, you have a man’s girlfriend hunted down and killed because she had taped a mobster’s meeting. The lover goes after the man who ordered her death, and finds the tape. But the tape is barely audible. So the woman died for nothing, and the criminal could have let her live, because he brought his doom down for nothing. One I would have voted for. For the Greater Good Emperor Devon KOTOR at the Rakata Temple: It is so easy to slip across the line… Everyone has already dinged you on what needs dinging, ED. That said, all I have to say is this: Great work! I liked the way you laid it out, how it progressed, and the denouement. I especially liked the special neural collar. Put the decision fully in Bastila’s hands. I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind. One of those I would have voted for. Descent to Darkness Jae Onasi Pre KOTOR: Revan and Malak go willingly into the dark. The work is good, Jae. I am not dinging you on he instead of she. It left me with the suspicion that the masters had to have lied to our player when you return later. That was why I had Revan in my work find the map before they left. That said I disagree with Bee Hoon that they should have been disarmed. It makes sense that no matter how hard you are inside, you need R&R, and this could have easily been during one of those brief breaks. I would have had them banning them from entering the temple however because that would have allowed them to seduce even more Jedi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Thanks for the review:) Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 Thanks for the review:) Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""? correct. YOu did it twice if I recall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Here's the rules on punctuation in or around quotation marks. Thanks for the review, machievelli. I appreciate the information. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Thanks for the review, mach. Honest and professional, as it should be. I'll try to fix some of the things you mentioned in the [FIN] version. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Alien: New Frontiers Phantom Knight No specific era given: The Aliens from that series of movies move into the Star Wars universe… When you described the face hugger on the victim you forgot the possessive (Around the victim’s). You don’t have to capitalize a job or designation. Parasite did not need it, and the following paragraphs with the medical specialties did not either. When describing a person you do not say ‘whom’. Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat. The basic idea isn’t too bad, and the flow works well except for cumbersome sentences, and problems with description. As I have told so many before, edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth. Technical: The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems. As an example, an American doctor rarely sees a case of say Ebola, though a doctor in the Congo would know exactly what to look for. A medical data base such as say Walter Reed Hospital has covers every known parasitic species of our planet, and it would be logical that their hospital would have such a resource spanning not just the planet but every such danger for a sector or more at least. It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form. Remember that the Nostromo from the original Alien did not have such capability, but the Sulaco from the second movie did, because the equipment was used in the third movie by Ripley to find the implanted Alien queen embryo. If you had made it a small trading outpost the following events could happen. But making it the equivalent of a city with proper medical facilities sort of leaves me wondering about the competency of the medical staff. Kotorfanmedia When KFM did their rework of the website last week I found I had to go back literally to the beginning to find my place. This was frustrating but not a wholly bad thing. I had missed the first five reviews below the first time around somehow. But better late than never. Shards Karacat Continuation of Revival: As Revan waits to enter the Rakata temple, she looks at the shards of her recently discovered memories. The style drags a bit, but it is a good piece of work. The description of her shattered memories as shards of crystal is a good analogy well played and used. Hope Rekindled Shara Kortarr Prelude to KOTOR: As a young woman prepares to join the crew of the Endar Spire, another worries about her mission. The writing is good, needing only a polish to make it shine. Well worth reading. The Sith Captive Walruseater During events of KOTOR: The sister of Revan is captured, but The Sith find they have bitten off more than they can chew. The piece is an excellent example of Walruseater’s work. My first pick of this week Men Don’t Cry Aminta Jae Two Years after KOTOR: A family reunion of sorts Wrong word used, probably a typo (He instead of we) Thei instead of their, that kind of thing. A simple polish is all that is needed. The basic story is sound, and the man waiting patiently for the return of the woman he loves is well done. The Way Things Are Amoinete Prelude to KOTOR: After a disastrous mission a scout decides to try again by joining the crew of Endar Spire. The piece is well done, the history and byplay excellent. The second choice for pick of this week. Fighting Sticks Starwars Chick KOTOR During Taris Segment: A duelist finds something else to fight for. The piece is pretty well done though rather vague at times. Bringing in another character adds to the spice of the scene. Why JadesFire At the Star Forge: There has to be a reason why Carth followed a dark Revan aboard the Star Forge The piece surprised me. I hadn’t expected it to go this way, yet when I got to the end, I had to agree with the author. It would probably have been this way. Third Pick of the Week. Coming up for Air The True Exile After TSL: Sometimes they don’t live happily ever after Problems with word usage, and cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing and rereading problem easily corrected. The story was a bit contrived, and you pushed it a bit far, but all in all a good read. Try polishing it a bit more before you post next time. The Admiral's Daughter Jedi Serenity After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child. The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none. Save the Galaxy Rainwood KOTOR During Kashyyyk mission: They want me to do what? I started into this expecting nothing. I left it chuckling because most ‘heroes’ don’t have angst, don’t have worries, are sure they will at least take a swing at the mission. This is a breath of fresh air from dealing with a programmed ‘here to there’ adventure. Another pick of the week, but this one is THE pick of the week. Darth Gizka JadesFire A year after TSL: Just when you thought they were gone… Between a squeaky toy in the form of Canderous, Carth’s life hanging in the mouth of a Gizka, and the Gizka’s commentary, it was a choice piece of fun. One of the two best I have read about the little critters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 A late thanks for the review, mach! I'm quite flattered to hear you'd have voted for it. I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind. It's the way he's portrayed KotOR, I suppose. There's no direct evidence in it he actually has a mind apart from taking advantage of a foolishly trusting master. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jediserenity82 Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Admiral's Daughter Jedi Serenity After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child. The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none. Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again. It's good to hear from someone over at KFM. The primary reason I was bothered by the ending is that I didn't meet by biological father until I was 30. I think of how much my life might have been different if there had been that contact growing up. I hope you get past the writer's block. It was well worth the read, and I hope tp see more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center When I ran out of specifics to review here at LF, I asked that anyone who might have been missed please let me know. Thanks to that, we have the following piece missed about four months ago during my problem-with-moving time. Shadows of Hope JediMaster 12 A year after Order 66: Some word usage problems resist instead of resisted, lead instead of led. When you said the people were objective did you mean accepting or irritated by it. The basics are good the story needs editing and polishing but who has avoided that comment from me? Solovey: A Fable About Faith Tysyacha Non Star Wars Russian Fable: How do you judge a person’s actions? The story is good, Tys. The scansion for a child’s fairy tale or fable is perfect. Having worked on stage for several years as a storyteller at the Renaissance fair, I am only bothered that this was one I was not able to tell. Kotorfanmedia Crisis in Infinite Galaxies: Sikon At the end of TSL: Alternate realities converge. There were some problems, but all are editing and polishing ones. The basis of the story is intriguing, and fun. Sort of like the ‘Five Doctor’s’ Episode of Doctor Who. Everyone connected by a single series of events, but different because of the alternate universes themselves. Friendly Advice Codename SailorV Before meeting on Dantooine: Lena tries to help yet another girl. The story is well done, the sadness of a woman betrayed back into poverty excellently portrayed. One of my picks of the week. Lucky number Sevyn Sevyn Start of KOTOR: A dream segues into our story… The primary negatives mentioned about this work have already been addressed. Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing it because as Onasilvslv said, you get better with practice. I could always tell you about my first attempt at writing at all… I shudder to think I did something that bad. The Master and the Apprentice RevanRules Some word usage problems, repeated instead of repeating awoken instead of awakened. Forgetting to finish sentences (I'm A lot of girls are going to hate me for becoming Master Kavar's FIRST padawan.) and forgetting conversation breaks. But remember these are editing problems. I suffer from them all when the creative juices flow, especially with a keyboard that inserts an R almost every time I hit a T E or F. Slow down, read, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. The basics are interesting, showing another glimpse of the inner workings of the training. I have to agree that the bonding ceremony does look suspiciously like a wedding. Misery Loves Company Jae Onasi After the Leviathan revelation: In vino et Veritas Having been on one of these ‘the world hates me’ binges as both participant and princip0le, I have to applaud Jae’s take on the phenomenon. I thought it interesting that Canderous had a thing for her, but also that he had already buried one wife he deeply loved, and wasn’t sure he wanted to do that again. One of my picks of this week. In Dealing With Rejection and Abandonment Revans Pet Duck During Interim Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan’s departure hurt more than Carth and Bastila… What can I say that others have not? The piece flowed well, the angry seen between the lover and unrequited lover smoothly done. The collapse of the meet was done a bit quickly though I think it was because you were clearing the decks for action. The only think I can honestly say then is; One of My picks of this week. Galactic Basic RyannQuinn During trip from the Planet to Star Forge: Sometimes you have trouble saying the words. This was one of the best-crafted stories I have seen in a long time. The angst of Juhani at being rejected, the pain of knowing someone else is getting what you have wanted, the desire for a shoulder to cry on, even the problems with translating what you want to say into another language. All well done. One of my picks of the week For the Love of Food Innicol1990 During KOTOR: Be careful when HK is the cook… The idea of HK cooking was amusing, and I anticipated not only his ‘tweaking’ but the main ingredient. But that didn’t mean I don’t like the piece. Including the fact that being a little girl Mission might have a thing for cute animals everything else went as I expected. Carth and Bastila reacting exactly the same way was choice. A funny piece. Someone made a comment regarding having a famous General being a vegetarian, but Himmler and Hitler were vegetarians, as was Sun Tzu according to what I have read. The Shadows of the Rim, Interlude 1: Morning Will Come Hyperion Rising Two Years After TSL: There are times you need to relax, even if it means drinking and dancing on tables The piece was well wrought, the basic situation a standard through fiction of the wait before the action begins. I like the comment that the Exile likes to dance, and just uses getting drunk as an excuse to do so choice. Like the drunk looking in a lamp store to see which lampshade he’ll wear. Using Mission as the Intelligence agent was a bit much, but by then I didn’t care. One of my picks for this week. Dark Hero - Chapter 1 - Awakening Rakeesh Before KOTOR: What do you do with a mind dead person? Especially when they won’t stay in one place? This one surprised me a lot. I’m sitting here thinking; Now how is this author going to handle the problem? Then Revan goes for a walk. One of my picks of the week, and I just wish the author would send me a copy of the completed work. I want to read it all and don’t have access to the net all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Kotorfanmedia The True Sith Jaina Solo A few weeks after KOTOR: Struggling with what she once was, Revan makes plans for going into the Unknown Regions I love it when some of the best is the first I see. The story has an excellent start, the style clean and crisp, the motives behind continuing well defined. Another one of those I wish I had time to read in it’s entirety. Already on my list for pick of the week, and it’s only the first I’ve seen today. The Jedi and the Mandalorian: RevanRand16 After Revan’s return from the Outer Regions: A long delayed reunion approaches I can understand your frustration RR. You bust your hump, put it down on paper, tweak it, edit it, rewrite it, present it and nada. But you did good kid. If that isn’t enough praise, how about this: On my list for pick of the week Carth and The Fangirl Tatooine92 Alternate Universe: Carth faces his fans, sort of… Here I am, having read a serious work above, then a poignant one after it. And I get blindsided by this one. Too choice, and very funny, especially the end. So what can I say? Another pick of the week Final Battles Prisoner24601 30 years after TSL: Everyone faces their own final battle. The piece was so well done, the characters well defined, I hated to read it this week because everything I have read so far was so great. The end for Canderous was so perfect that I couldn’t complain beyond the same one about the period of time. If it had happened when it was just her and the children (Say fifteen years) it might have been better. The only kudo I can give here is what I have already said above. Right now I’m hoping on one side that all are that good, or nothing else comes up to this level. Because so far everything has been picked… Even When All the Moons Stop Shining Belladonna Seven Years after KOTOR: Will the love still be there? The only complaint I have is with this one sentence: ‘Their sole duty was to make sure she showed up on time for whatever dinner or celebration one senator or another wanted the famous crew of the Ebon Hawk to make an appearance at.’ Where you needed to smooth it out. That said, the work is excellent and the way you set it up perfect. Finger Puppets RevanRules During TSL: What does the exile do for amusement? Well she… Minor problems with spelling and smoothing out the work, nothing that editing can’t cure. You keep repeating craft which I knew meant arts and craft but it caused me to stumble when I was reading. Don’t feel bad, I tell everyone they need to edit, and I edit my own work over and over. The basics of the story are good, the idea that a rough tough warrior would find finger puppet amusing was cute, but the ‘get revenge on Atton’ part was really choice. Leviathan - Part One Tatooine92 KOTOR During Leviathan Incident: A generic retelling of the scene. The work is good, the scene well laid out. I agree that you should avoid the standard dialogue, but that is my own quirk. When I wrote my own version of the escape I liked each one so much that I just combined them (The Crew that wishes to remain nameless) figuring in real life that none of them would merely sit in a cell and allow themselves to be abused. Well worth the read. Dark Origin Tasca Lumina Approximately six months after TSL: Remember conversation breaks. Remember to edit so the style is smoother. The basics are good and the storyline compelling. The comments above were the only stumbling blocks I ran into, and they are an editing problem. Technical note: A capital ship is a battleship or battle cruiser, none of which actually exist if you want to be technical about classes they are given in the games books movies etc. The Republic ships of the game are usually called Frigates, which are smaller vessels though I think that is more lack of specific knowledge by the writers. I have always considered the Corellian Frigate and the Mon Calamari ships from The Return of the Jedi as light and heavy cruisers with the Star Destroyer also heavy cruisers and SSD as battleships. The Many Woes of Bastila Shan Katara Ironarm KOTOR on Tatooine: During a storm, Canderous and Bastila have a private moment There was one word usage problem; the term is rerouting, not resorting. The basics are there, the scene interesting enough to keep you going. The idea that Canderous would be actually nice to Bastila was an interesting twist, as was her reaction to it. Retribution Tasca Lumina KOTOR, The Destruction of Taris: What, you mean he had another reason? You forgot conversation breaks a couple of times. Again, editing problems. The story is interesting, the reasoning behind Malak’s callous destruction a bit sad. It needs work, but it still is one of my picks of the week Broken Promises Lady Revan After KOTOR: Where can you run from yourself? The writing is up to her usual high standards, the story excellent. The idea that Revan had literally ‘run away from home’ before heading for the Outer Regions is an intriguing possibility. Another of those I wish I could get full copies of so I can read it. Another pick of the week Showdown With a Little Old Man Tatooine92 KOTOR on Taris: Hatred will make you do things. Considering how much I loathe the average bigot this story was a breath of sweet air. The one part of Taris that always irked me was that you didn’t get a chance to put that old SOB in his proper place. Tat, I am not giving you another pick of the week. Primarily because you’re getting a best author of the week from me. Everything I’ve seen this week of yours was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrPhil2501 Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome). Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat. Yeah, sorry. I feel I didn't give the full description of the city in the prologue, so I gave more detail in the second chapter. The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems... It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form. I was under the impression that if the embryo were to remain undiscovered, and suddenly bursts out of the guys chest, it would make a nice twist and introduction of the alien. But now that you mention it, I suppose the medical staff lacking the technology to detect the alien (when it is the Star Wars universe) does seem kinda crummy. Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 20, 2007 Author Share Posted October 20, 2007 Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome). Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy? Kid, I did not say it sucked. My biggest problem since I began writing myself (Years before you were born) is that I critique the story when I see movies and read books even today. My biggest pet peeve is the full auto blasting with anything capable of it just because it looks snazzy. I was irritated with the original Alien until I found out that the Android Ash was the doctor, which explained why they didn't notice it. As I said, it was the setting that spoiled the scene. Everything else was pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 26, 2007 Author Share Posted October 26, 2007 Tommorw the library is closed so I'm posting this early. Coruscant Entertainment Center Such A Quiet Thing Uilleand Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia. The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course. The first pick of this week, Healing Touch Uilleand Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton… Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done. Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week. Legacy of the Force FanFic: Legacy's End Empress Padme During LOTF: Vengeance must be mine… The basic premise is good; the style needs polish, but no real complaints. The story is a bit contrived, but the reasoning is sound. The only other option would be if someone who didn’t know him plotted this death. Please continue. Kotorfanmedia The Reality of Things Miraea Starr Prelude to KOTOR: A specialist is cozened into joining the Endar Spire The style is good, the basics sound. Making the main character the equivalent of a forensic pathologist is an interesting idea. Keep it up. Bad Days Ellecrys After KOTOR: The take on why Revan went into the Outer Regions… The piece is short and sweet. The style is good, and the piece compelling. Enough so that it is one of my Picks for this week. Fires of Change Onasilvslv Prelude to KOTOR: What Revan did during that time before the Endar Spire. The style is pure Onasilvslv having reviewed the author’s work before. The story only caused one twinge, that because no one had suggested a lag time of a year or more before the story begins. Can’t say it detracts though. One of my Picks for this week. Something to Remember Grimrabbit Alternate Universe preKOTOR: Maybe we shouldn’t let their imaginations run too wild… The piece bothered me in only two ways. Since it was done without word wrap, it ran straight across the page. To read it, I had to copy paste into word, then read it. That said I was glad I did what was needed. The piece was intriguing in the ‘all right what will they do?’ way, and seeing what Revan did for her ‘free range’ class project was a laugh. The idea that the students would practice with their lightsabers by massacring the Kath hounds disturbed me on another level but the idea did not detract from the quality of the work. Truce Prisoner24601 Alternate Universe KOTOR On Taris after Bastila’s Rescue: Carth struggles to understand his feelings. One of the ‘What If’ entries, this piece is well worth reading. You get the flavor of someone trying to conceal knowledge without giving up his feeling, which causes the frustration that was so prevalent in the Taris Mission specifically. The only way it could have been better is if it had been on Leviathan with Saul telling him and Carth saying ‘so?’. One of the picks for this week. Spiteful Grimrabbit Alternate Universe KOTOR: Considering the last piece, what happens when she finds out? The set up is great, reminding me of the Osterman Weekend with it’s layer by layer secrecy until the main character is trapped. While I had to agree that the piece jumped scenes abruptly, it makes a perfect companion piece to the part above. Great Sacrifice Lady Revan Pre-TSL: What if Revan had taken someone with her? A well-written piece with everything a good story requires. This story got a lot of comments, and I have to agree and disagree with some of them. In the middle of a fight is not the time to wax philosophical. And if sitting with the body long after they are dead doesn’t show love, I don’t know what would. As much as some picked at specific lines, the ending; ‘How did Carth continue forward after Telos? I wasn't sure, but I knew if I sat there for the rest of time, I'd never have that answer’ said it all. Life is going on afterward, no matter how much it hurts. Superiority at any cost? Lnicol1990 During Korriban Mission KOTOR: Lessons of pain last… The style was good, but the basic story a bit static and lackluster. The best scene is the sparring between Revan and Dustil because you put more into it. The comment at the end of that scene is the one I always wished someone would use to the ‘the dark side is automatically stronger’ types. Revenance, Part I Alatriel Elen During TSL: marooned, all Revan had were her thoughts. The piece is good because of many things. The ‘why did I do this to myself’ attitude; the falling back into childhood fears, the relief upon rescue all protrayed. My only real question is what’s on the data chip? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uilleand Posted October 29, 2007 Share Posted October 29, 2007 Such A Quiet Thing Uilleand Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia. The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course. The first pick of this week, Healing Touch Uilleand Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton… Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done. Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week. Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust?? *chuckle* Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh* Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work. Now, stay of my lawn, you punks!! *shakes cane in the air* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 1, 2007 Author Share Posted November 1, 2007 Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust?? *chuckle* Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh* Kid, the writers on here run from 12 and thirteen (Perhaps younger) and I think I'm the grand dad of the place at 54. My comment was merely on the breadth of style. Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work. * Keep wrirting and I will keep commenting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 2, 2007 Author Share Posted November 2, 2007 Feast of Fright on Dantooine Tysyacha After TSL: An ancient feast is revived. The style is good if a bit bland. The basis of the story works without the usual me screaming no about how it has obvious connections to Earth. While the symbolism is obvious, the method used; dressing up as what you fear is well done. Control Uilleand After TSL: What if Atton released that control of his? Again it is excellent work. Having never been an overly demonstrative man, I am struck by what might happen if someone this controlled merely let go. The only problem I had was the ending. FORCE INTERVENTION Empress Padme End of ROTS, Alternate Universe; What if Padme had lived? There a problems with spacing, forgetting to leave space after periods, that kind of thing. An editing problem The story was too short for a real evaluation, EP, let me know when it has been expanded, and I will review it again. A Rose By Any Other Name, Part One Kian After Leviathan Revelation; Can Jolee Explain it better? The style is good, the meter well timed. The story one all of us have gone through in the game, just seeing it from inside Carth’s head. What I enjoyed is how it was centralized into ‘why can’t they see?’ more than why he might be wrong. Carth’s reservations make sense seen in this light, and even Jolee’s attempt to explain it pales in comparison. Worth being one of the picks for this week. The Arms of a Child RevanRand16 Ten Years after KOTOR: Nothing matches the peace you find in a child’s arms… The piece was subtly done. I had a suspicion who the main character was, and it didn’t surprise me. The interplay between a young woman trying to explain to a child why she is hurt is well done. Another pick of the week. Wedding Chaos ForceHorse44 After TSL: Revan and Carth finally get married, though there are some crashers… A few comments; the ‘head type-thing’ could have been ‘her ever present bandanna, but in pink’. Anyone who has played the game will recognize the reference. ‘Sadly, the tower of champagne glasses was smashed by two flying Dark Jedi, which Mandalore held responsible for.’ Should have read whom instead of which and without ‘for’. These as has been pointed out above are editing problems. When you man a cannon, you do not get ‘in’ it. If it is vehicle mounted (Suggested by the comment that it was in the garage) you would be in the gunner’s seat. The piece was funny; the saving of the cake I agree was choice. I’m just wish I had not missed the party. Aftermath, Chapter One BlackFox After the Star Forge: An interesting beginning for the next adventure. The only complaint I had was that the tale was a bit confused, as if there was a lot of subtle interplay, which I for one wasn’t smart enough to catch. But it was interesting enough to make me want to read more. Another pick of the week. What Can We Blow Up First? JadesFire Alternate Universe Crossover of KOTOR and the Rogue Squadron books: The start of the adventure with a few additional characters tossed in… Some editing problems but nothing that can’t be corrected by rereading but even professionals get that from me. The basis surprised me, but after a while I got into it. The interplay of the people even from different generations was well done. There was the comment about ‘if the colonel isn’t happy, no one is’ and having served in the military, I understood and accepted it. If you write more, could you send me e-mail parts of it? Another pick of the week. Worthy Muhnemma TSL after saving Citadel Station: One final test for Revan… Departing from canon, but great work. The interplay within the test was well done, the explanations of why she went through this specific test well done. Another pick of the week. Endar Spire Part One Tankgirly Before beginning of KOTOR: The stage is set… Some problems with wording and cumbersome sentences, nothing editing can’t cure. The basic story is good, bringing you into the scene without the abrupt beginning of the game itself. It explores the actions of the two main characters without stomping on the canon entirely. The Unknown Regions, Chapter 1: The Exile's Recovery KaiofDragonfire TSL no Specifics except after Dantooine: Unknown memories plague the Exile The story was a bit confusing for me, primarily because the provenance of when is not clear. The basics are good, and that is one of the most important parts of story writing. {A Collapsing Republic}; {Revan's Story}; bRoKen gAze Before the events in KOTOR: The main character deals with other people and her own sketchy memory. The work is well done, the development of the main character workmanlike. Well worth the read. The last pick of the week but by no means least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uilleand Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin* I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 3, 2007 Author Share Posted November 3, 2007 Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin* I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription.... As I have already told the author, since I had not seen the death scene before, I did not recognize it. To me is was as if Atton was blind drunk and just opening himself up to the emotions is what drove him down. I have already apologized to her now I apologize to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uilleand Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 Oh, jeeze.... An apology is so not necessary!! really! :blush2: If I didn't get the point across, the fault lies with me! That's why I do appreciate feedback so much! I'm a bit useless, if I'm writing in a vacuum for my own pleasure, no? *chuckle* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 9, 2007 Author Share Posted November 9, 2007 Posting a little early because tomorrow is payday. Oh and daylight savings time is fun. try it when you forget the 'fall back' so you lose an hour of sleep. Coruscant Entertainment Center KotOR III: The Unknown Regions Darth Balatro Eight Years after KOTOR: The first thing I should say is I am sorry DB. I check to see if I have reviewed something by title, and sometimes only by an odd keyword. When I did so I found that a story by this same title (Only Knights of the Old Republic rather than KOTOR) had been posted and reviewed by me back in May. However I do not know how often this might happen to you, but when I tried to use my ‘find’ setting yesterday it told me no such story had been reviewed several times (A lot of fun when you are sure you have done so) so I went through it posting by posting and discovered this error. That being said: Some cumbersome sentences. (‘he's the one that Revan told me that he chose for this job.’) Would have been smoother if you had said ‘Revan assigned it to Bao Dur. The basis of the story started out well, but two things bothered me. First if Carth had merely told the character that the clues she needed to find the missing pair was on the planets but they had seceded, it would have made more sense. Also why would a Jedi (Not a Dark one) suggest bombarding a Republic planet as a show of loyalty? Technical note; Calling a ship II is usually used for civilian ships. Military vessels tend to have merely the name. As an example there were seven ships in the US Navy named Enterprise since 1778 but none were called by an additional number. I know many writers have done this, but I have yet to find any warship in the last 400 years with a name and a number attached except for some Submarine classes in Russia. Sorry, just the purist in me Across the Stars, the Two Hunters: Zero Mission Master Jimmy Crossover between Star Wars and Metroid set in the period approximately a century after ROTJ: An unlikely pair are sent to save a world. It’s slid, not slided. The sentence ‘ship that was rocketing down to the surface’. Would have read better is you had used ‘ship plunging (or plummeting) toward the surface’. The sentence ‘the tunnel was rocky, but consisted with a bit of moss’ didn’t make sense until I mentally translated it into ‘sparsely cover with a bit of moss’. Remember, when the sentence doesn’t make sense or uses the wrong words, the reader hits a speed bump that takes him from the story for a few seconds. The intro was convoluted and there was the error pointed out below. I liked the interplay of the characters, and making one appear to be either suicidal or stupid made them funny together. Her ‘oh I’m so dead’ was choice. Canon note; Except for the Yuuzhan Vong there has been no mention of intergalactic travel. In fact there are comments in the canon that there is an energy field at the edge of that galaxy (Shades of Star Trek) mentioned in Outbound Flight. If you had said ‘nebula’ or ‘cluster’ it would have fit within that parameter with no problems. Also you used Earth as the homeworlds of one character. Lessons in Pazaak Uilleand After TSL: The Exile searches for an old friend The piece is like all of Uilleand’s work I have seen so far, which means well written and thought provoking. Along with everyone else, I wonder about the people that tried to attack her. Hopefully we will find out their secret. Pick of the week on LucasForums. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Wraith Squadron: Cell Theory TuskenRaider1 19 Years after Yavin; My favorite Squadron prepares for action. This is not the first of TR’s works I have reviewed, and it is up to the standards I think we should aspire to. There isn’t much to it yet, but what there is makes me want more. I said it the last time (Bad Run) I’ll say it again. Keep it up. One of my Picks of the Week. kotorfanmedia Short Stop Tankgirly Approximately eight years after KOTOR: A brief reunion. Some word usage problems. Chartered means being hired rather than proceeding, tried instead of try (Or remove the did) that kind of thing. No biggie, it’s an editing problem. If you have read any of mine, you’ll see I have the same problem sometimes. As for the mechanics of the story, is this really your first attempt, or merely just the first here? This is excellent work. The story gives enough to make you a bit hungry for more, like (If you are old enough to drink) a bite of strawberry washed down by champagne. One of my picks of the week. The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice Starr As the Star Forge is being destroyed: Sometimes all you have is hope. Remember to tone down the game terminology. When you’re reading it tends to cause speed bumps in the reader’s path. Having been writing for over 30 years, I tend to edit them out automatically when I write, but that is only experience. The basics are good, though the intro was confusing. (Both dark and light side angst comedy and AU?) The story itself is excellent, having a scene right of something like ER with the characters felt right. As I tell any kid who will listen; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. Keep at it Pretty good work. A Bond Like No Other Verna Jast After the confrontation aboard Leviathan: Revan dreams, but are they of the future or her own fears? The piece is pretty good, needing primarily polishing. The piece has a bit of the same feel I had from the old psychological thriller Invaders from Mars where you find out it’s all a dream just as the ‘invasion’ begins again. I always wondered if it was a series of dreams or really going to happen. One of my Picks of the Week. Dancing Tatooine92 After KOTOR: The path to love… The style is good, the story basic but at the same time poignant. The description of the dance music itself made me wish I could hear it. Not having a copy of Hungarian dances, I will merely have to use my vision of it. One of my picks for best of the week. For the Republic: Part 1 Verna Jast Pre-Mandalorian War; Dantooine Jedi Academy: She said, but he thought. For a moment I thought the author had just repeated the first section again. About a line into it, I recognized what was happening, and really got into it. With verbal communications, 85 percent of what is conveyed is by the words. But words are not what you heard but what you thought you heard. This puts that idea across very well, and makes you keep reading just to see how far the misconceptions go. Shatter PhoenixGate The escape from Endar Spire, with a twist: When the going gets boring, how about juggling? The idea of having three people, all obviously playing one possible aspect of Revan as originally described was interesting. It kept me wondering which one was the real Revan. Pathos PhoenixGate During Taris: More background Following that I agreed with the one person that had commented so far. The background on two of the trio of characters was well-portrayed right down to one drawling and the others overly precise speech. Finding Hawk, Chapter One - Good Night Sweetheart Tatooine92 No specific time after KOTOR to 15 years later: A man reminisces about an important day in his life. The piece flowed well, and the situation a human one full of both fear and joy for any parent. Well worth the read. One of my picks for best of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferc Kast Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 I'll definitely keep that in mind while planning my next fan fiction. But, my K3 fan fic did fulfill the vision that I began with; So, the criticism wasn't too harsh on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 16, 2007 Author Share Posted November 16, 2007 I've been watching an interesting Anime named Noir. Only one disc so far, but I like it. The series gave me an idea. Anyone interested in seeing the dark side of me should look at Heart of the Assassin in the outer rim. This is a work in progress, and feedback is not only desired, but I am almost begging you guys. Anything you see that needs work, let me know. Coruscant Entertainment Center At the Trayus Core Tysyacha TSL: The final confrontation. The one thing I really liked was the way you translated the fight into what might have been called a debate beginning the ‘lecture’ with lightsabers and Traya’s defense as the ‘rebuttal’. Traya’s comments make me wonder about not the force but perceptions of it. . One thing that caused me to bobble was the use of terms probably right out of the games such as ‘power attack’ or ‘life drains’. Others have made comments on this so I will not comment on it further. Reason to Kill Igyman The climactic battle in KOTOR: Sometimes you need a reason. A slight problem with double negatives; you’re usually pretty good, Igy, so I will leave it for you to find. The dénouement was the best part of the work because it makes a specific statement everyone can understand and accept. I usually don’t vote as you know, but you would have gotten mine. Mistakes Darth Stephanie First, why is it all one paragraph? By my estimates, I think it should have been about nine. Of course part of that is you made the same mistake I did when I first posted. Since the system removes all indents, the only way to tell when a paragraph ends is by the period and a larger than average spacing. Second, you were hurrying with this. There was little or no character development. All we know for sure about her is she was a brat, grew out of it, ran away from the academy because she was homesick, and later led the Jedi off to war. No details. It is almost as if you just posted the synopsis. kotorfanmedia Bonds of Fate-Chapter 1: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith HitokiriShadow PreKOTOR: What goes through the Dark Lady’s mind? I started into it and was immediately hooked. The style is spare, but it leads you where the author wants you to go, and does it with such a delicate hand you barely notice. The basics are good, the premise excellent. The only problem I have with it is simple and deeply personal… I don’t have time to spend online reading it all. The first pick of this week from KFM. Coming Home Car7hLuvR Approximately one year after TSL: Revan has a surprise for Carth when she returns from the Outer Rim. And gets one in return. Some word usage problems haft instead of have, but that might be merely how you heard it; course (path) instead of coarse (Rough). You also forgot conversation breaks. All that said, the work is excellent. The story, starting from when she left to after her return was full of the angst you would expect, and the love you anticipate. Very well done A pick of this week from KFM. Defying Gravity Ryusui Pre KOTOR: The die is cast for Revan The basics are well done, the situation what might have been anticipated the characters well considered. Well done. Ice Roses; Winter SkyePrism During interim and after TSL: A lone survivor of a vanished people sees the quest of Revan and the Exile from her point of view. The piece was well done, the basics portrayed with style. Seeing the main characters of both games from the outside gives us a unique perspective. The only problem I had with it was that several years had been compressed into so few pages. Lessons - Bastila Lnicol1990 After the reconciliation on Tatooine: Did Bastila learn something from this? Missing words in some places (‘a look offence’ should have of in it.). The primary problem with it is that you didn’t put a lot of yourself into it. It comes across as bland, like restaurant food. A problem solved by polishing. Motivations: Revan Delasaer Chval After the Leviathan Revelations: Revan and Carth tear into each other. The author commented; ‘a/n: Spur of the moment little argument. No one has proofed it but me, and frankly, it's not worth it. It just helped kill a bit of Writer's Block.’ Kid, anything that breaks through a writer’s block is worth looking at, trust me on that. Two of my best works in my opinion were things that started as sheer frustration with that dreaded problem. You had some problems with cumbersome sentences. As an example; ‘and couldn't believe what she was hearing. After she had just heard that…’ is hard to read. Perhaps ‘Carth was adding insult to injury as his mouth ran. After she had heard that…’? That doesn’t make it bad, you came up with a choice line (Missing only one letter ‘s’ with ‘she growled, stopping short between insult, struggling to form coherent and useful insults’ caused me to grin. Having been so furious that I can’t even think what to say next is something I have experienced, and while it is not fun for you, it can be hilarious for an observer. The only thing I did not like was that it ended sort of unfinished. But, having had arguments in my life, I know they aren’t always resolved, but that is just a personal complaint. When they were young: Of Droids and Gungangs SkyePrism After TSL: The members who were left behind begin having dreams of Revan and the Exile as younglings. Some word usage problems. Wreaking (in the act of) instead of wrecking (the end result). Missing conversation breaks. That said, I loved the idea you used. Picturing Revan as a young Padawan with what would almost be called blonde roots was good, reminiscent of my favorite Anime the Dirty Pair. I could see them sinking an entire city without even breaking a sweat. The disclaimer ‘Why the hell would they even make a city in a bubble that could pop!?!?’ made my day One of my picks of the week. It came from Nar Shaddaa Ghando An unspecified number of years after TSL: A young Jedi goes on his final trial with… well… some advice Verna has made the main comments I might have made in correction so I won’t repeat them. The piece needs some polish, but when does it not? Every Jedi trial you ever hear about is dangerous and or difficult. Well guess again. This was a chuckle from Dustil’s apprehension to lying to his father in an amusing manner to Revan giving him advice which might help later, but we’ll have to see. If they had merely wanted to terrorize him it couldn’t have been done better. Sleheyron: Yuthura 343panic Korriban KOTOR: The fight in the tomb, with an added twist… Some word usage problems, toughed (Strengthened) instead of touched, could instead of cloud. This is an edit and polish problem, so don’t feel to bad. I get dyslexic sometimes too. The piece was pretty good. The problems I had were the uses of terms from the game, and lack of knowledge in equipment. An average modern stun grenade, what is called a ‘flash bang’ is about the size of a hockey puck and would be quite heavy enough to knock someone on their butt if it hit them before detonating. Plus as much as the game designers just toss them in, real grenades are rarely used in an enxlosed space you yourself occupy. Having them move around over what sounded like half the building was refreshing and adding the terentatek as a bit of mobile terrain was a good bit. This is the first I had heard that Sleheyron was not only a suggested locale but also that there might be cut scenes from it. After reading this I wish that A: they had not cut this out, B; that they had left it in with the option to add Yuthura to the band, or C: someone would add their own mod for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 An intersting week. Forgot thanksgiving, then found out my computer was starting to check the hard drive, which suggests problems with the system. Then I found out that the reason for it is a bad battery. kotorfanmedia Epilog: Tabula Rasa 343Panic Alternate Universe aftermath of KOTOR: A man with no memory struggles to understand his situation. Nothing comes to mind that needs real correcting or editing, though I never really stop editing when I write. The piece is dark, the scene stark, and I loved it. We the observers know who the man is, but the struggle he has trying to discover what has happened draws you along with him. First pick of the week. Alone Starr After KOTOR: Alone on Malachor V, Revan struggles with her ghosts and her past. The piece needs some polishing, but other than that, it’s excellent. The premise is good, the inner struggle manifesting in external visions. The end was a bit fluffy for me, but that did not stop it from being well worth your time. Another pick of the week. Family is More than Blood AkroOrka On Taris: Carth discovers more about his new associate. Some word usage problems. Top instead of too, bequest (Given from a will) instead of behest (request) that kind of thing. Also the term is overrun instead of run over when a place has been invaded. The basic piece is well done journeyman style work. Technical: The id plate reading fluctuated between being military precise, and haphazard. A minor thing, but I disturbed me a bit. But that is because I have read such reports. Long Road to Taris Tatooine92 Starting Two Years Before KOTOR: A young woman becomes our Hero aboard Endar Spire I have to agree it isn’t as well polished and laid out as your usual work, though your style still shows through. The running battle through the Endar Spire was truncated, making it almost seem as if it wasn’t the backdrop for the entire end. My primary complaints are technical; why would you have an embassy, which is by definition an enclave of another nation’s soil, in the capital of the Republic? Second, even if you were frantically hiring mercenaries to fight for you, military discipline would be maintained. In composite units discipline would actually be stricter than the average recruited military unit. Check out the example of the French Foreign Legion for a better idea, Canon note: The game book for KOTOR defined the Endar Spire’s class of ship as Frigate, not cruiser. Revan's Challenge Uilleand After Star Forge: Revan has to make a choice Others have reviewed this and everything negative I can think of to say has been addressed. I disagreed that the first real explosion of her emotion was unnecessary. Sometimes you have to try to break yourself out of that circle when you’re mad, and a primal scream will do that. A bit over the top true. The piece does need some work in the areas commented on. But the end made up for it. Revan: Back in Five TangentalJedi After KOTOR: As Revan leaves, she all ready regrets it The style was good the byplay of emotions well done. The point of her leaving, and why she couldn’t even tell her love why cuts to the quick of the situation. Another Pick of the week. The Cantina Syndrome SkyePrism After TSL: As they scour the Unknown Regions, Arista (the Exile) discovers what Revan calls the Cantina Syndrome. The style is good, the flashbacks well linked to the present and full. Revan’s description fits what I know from my own life, that memories are always there, it’s just that they seem to come out more in a bar setting. Another pick of the week Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow Nausicca Alternate Universe, KOTOR: You don’t need a Jedi to solve every problem… Verna already said a good bit about this and agree with her assessment. The biggest problem I had with both KOTOR games was that a lot of the side quests were mere fluff, such as this incident and the murder at the bridge. You don’t need keen Jedi sense to work either one, merely a minor degree of deduction for one, and common sense (Mixed with humor) for the other. The additional line tossing Zalbaar’s name in would only have been made more silly if he had moaned Mission’s next. Not only a good first attempt, but also one of my picks for this week. damnatio memoriae 1: dreams Verna Jast During KOTOR: A girl can dream… A bit hard to follow at first, but once you understand what is happening, it’s subtle, twisting in your mind as you see the two version of what is not only happening and what might have been. The end of the dreams, when she is forced to go back to reality twists the knife even more. Well worth the read, and a pick of this week. Why her name is Star... SkyePrism During Interim in the Unknown Regions: Revan finds maternity an uncomfortable fit at first. The story is a basic human tale, with the humor of not only a gentle helper, but also the woman who seems at points disgusted and terrified by the process. Having been around women who were at this stage of their pregnancies I could picture each scene like a gentle painting. One of my Picks of the Week. Broken SkyePrism During KOTOR: Will Carth admit he was wrong in time? Skye has done it again. The work is well laid out, the feelings fitting the mood and the mood setting the pace. Worth every second of time spent reading. One of the Picks of the week. Drunken Admissions FrackinAmazinGirl After the Leviathan Revelation: It can be so hard to say. The piece was cute, though as Verna pointed out, the first paragraph was redundant. The hesitancy, disappointment, even yearning came through lightly veiled, the reaction by the end already apparent. As a first posted work it is an excellent introduction. One of the picks of this week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 two weeks since I posted Heart of the assassin, and only one comment. sigh Coruscant Entertainment Center Luck of the Draw uilleand KFM Dueling Challenge, set on Taris during KOTOR: Trapped on Taris, two unlikely people get together The work is up to Uilleand’s usual standards, meaning excellent. Would anyone be surprised when I say first pick of the Week? Adidas Returns Daft Adidas No period given; A nemesis returns to plague the galaxy The work needs polish, and the characters need to be better defined. What I got from the meeting in the Regal headquarters sounded more like a group of kids in high school first picking on the small kid, then sucking up to him because he actually has a brain when they need it. Now technical; You give a vague description of the ships. So vague in fact that we have nothing to use to visualize it. Saying it is ‘the biggest you have ever seen’ needs something to compare it to. The shock in ANH when Millennium Falcon approached the Death Star wasn’t just that it was a huge ship. It was because first they thought it was a moon, and obviously from every reaction on seeing it, that no one had ever contemplated anything mobile that big. You also gave the ship too much engine power to be readily believed. As for the rest remember the first rule of Science Fiction and Fantasy; You are allowed one impossible thing. Just one. kotorfanmedia Knowing Venga Fett PreKOTOR: What if Revan remembered before the Leviathan? Like one of the other people who had commented said, the first paragraph sucked me in. An excellent piece of work. A pick of the week. Time's Embrace Ethereal After Leviathan revelation: Carth and Revan deal with how this affects them The intro into the confrontation was a bit short for me, but beyond that, I have to agree with others; If this is you first piece, don’t tell us it’s your last! Write more. A Day in the Life of the Prodigal Knight RevanRand16 Ten years after Star Forge: we see what Revan’s life could have been like. Some word usage problems. Saying ‘solve’ the punishment for example. I agree that it needs tightening up editing and polishing. That said though it was an interesting little piece and as Verna Jast said, I can picture you writing the entire work like the paragraph she praised. Facing the Universe... Together FrackinAmazinGirl Before Revan goes to the Unknown Regions: Carth just won’t let go… Whereas is one word. The biggest problem I had with it was as smoopy said, the all caps, which while it let you know they were yelling, also jars the reader. I use it sparingly. Maybe one word in the sentence, as if the person almost bellows it. Another way would be to break the sentence into single word sentences like ‘Don’t. Tell. ME. What to do!’ A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord Walruseater After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan gets blindsided not once, but twice. Seeing Walruseater listed you just know the story is going to be good, and this one really rocks. The two surprises Revan gets makes it excellent. I am not saying another word. Read enjoy. Another pick of the week. Shadows In The Sand Ethereal Approximately two months after the events in KOTOR: A look into the Mandalorian soul, and how it changed. The style is workmanlike, the characters well defined, the angst readily explained and the finish smooth. Only the second piece by this author so far, but I expect plenty more. Another pick of the week. Awkward Tatooine92 Some word usage problems. Comeback doesn’t feel right where used, I think ‘downside’ would have been better. That being said, excellent work. From reading the reviews by others, and your response, would you rather I wait until version 2 before reviewing this? Please send me an e-mail or pm. Reunion Tatooine92 After events in TSL: The fateful reunion. The piece is a bit of fluff, but that being said, it was a very nice bit of fluff. Another pick of the week. Thicker than water: chapter 1 Oktobrerayne A what if challenge: If Revan was never defeated by Bastila or betrayed by Malak before the start of the game, what would have happened? Only one editorial note; ‘Her skin sweat’ I think required the word ‘poured’. The style is good, the subject intriguing, and the portrayal well done. You version of Revan here is chilling and seductive at the same time. What else can I say? Another pick of the week. Meridian's Voice - Part One Tullis Six Years after Revan’s Disappearance; A new enemy strikes swiftly This piece surprised me just a touch. Not a bad thing. Going from the mundane to horror is always a good way to start, and this makes me hunger for more. Well done. Another one of those I wish I had time to read all the way through… Another pick of the week. Futile Cellotlix 23 years after TSL: Three old men still wait. Naivety is spelled naiveté. Conversation breaks missing in some places. Some word misusage (mind instead of might). That said the sad view is well done. Few people think of Penelope spending 20 years waiting for Odysseus to return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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