Kain Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Its that time of year again and I've come to reveal some disturbing information about this 'Merry' time of year. Please note that this may be entirely offensive to some people. If you're one of those people I only offer this message as solice: GET A SENSE OF HUMOR YOU HUMORLESS BASTARDS!!! Now then on to business. I am here to present certain things I have found to be evil about Christmas. #1: The fat man, Santa Clause. Lets look at his name. Santa. Santa. Santa. Looks like a misspelling of SATAN!! Satan = Santa. Its easy to overlook in the hustle and bustle of the season, but lets face it: Greed is a mortal sin and Santa(Satan) bring it out en masse across the globe! And his last name: Clause? Or how about CLAWS! Satan's Claws, anyone? The clutches of the Devil are hard to break free from. #2: More about the fat man. Speaking of mortal sins, lets not forget that Santa is a glutton and a sloth. He's fat and eats cookies year round while NOT working. He has elves doing his work and his work ethic is the imptomie of slothness. #3: Speaking of elves, how much do you think they get paid? Are they a union? NO!! They're ****ing slaves working for the machinations of Satan Claws. He slaves them into working year round and those that speak out are handled with libotamies or are never heard from AGAIN! Slavehood is wrong people! Not only is Santa(Satan) a glutton, a sloth, and greedy, but he drives slaves to the brink of death every year! #4: The reindeer. Those precious flying deer of Satan's army. Rudolph's nose so bright, guides his sleigh at night...his nose so bright with the CRIMSON FLAMES OF HELL! No deer I've ever seen is either capable of flight nor is it aerodynamic enough to even get more than several feet of distance on a bound. Those antlers might as well be kites when it comes to traveling. They're beaten on Christmas night to fly all around the world in a single trip with hardly a break. Thats animal cruelty and if these reindeer weren't so clearly demonic in nature, Satan would have been arrested and beaten to death in jail centuries ago. #5: Snowmen. The evil footsoldiers of Santa(Satan's) army. With their dead black eyes, their black teeth, and wicked wooden claws, these monstrosities carry out more acts of evil than Hitler in his prime. And top hats?! Who wears top hats? Villans! Dracula wears a top hat. Those evil ****s in the old black and white movies wore top hats! Let us not forget that snowmen are also gluttons, packing themselves until they nearly explode with snow. And slothful as well, standing still until the light from the sun banishes their evil spirits back to Hell! With these startling facts in hand, I hope you have happy holidays. But beware, for few ever escape the holiday season unscated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Sorry, but yawn, i've heard/thought about almost all these things before, and they're not that funny anyhow. [EDIT] I sound like a jackass there, don't I? Well, uhh, no offence intended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CapNColostomy Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Kain, I highly suggest you read this: Even if you aren't into comics, you, more than anyone I can think of right off hand, will love this one. To summarize the story, a drunk Easter Bunny meets our hero in a seedy bar to hire him to take out the fat man. He thinks that X-Mas takes too much attention away from his holiday. It gets better and better from there. It's hillarious in a ridiculously violent sort of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toms Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toms Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 The shaken residents of Auckland, New Zealand, are today recovering from a terrifying ordeal provoked by 40 rioting Santas who robbed stores, assaulted security guards and, shockingly, "urinated from highway overpasses", as The Sydney Morning Herald reports. Auckland Central Police operative Noreen Hegarty told the paper how the rampage began last Saturday when the bad Santa collective (drunk and wearing "ill-fitting Santa costumes") chucked beer bottles and relieved themselves from the aforementioned overpasses. They then "rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage bins, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on office buildings". One Santa climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship and was quickly arrested for his trouble. Other Santas at the scene objected and piled into security staff who subsequently required paramedical attention. To cap this orgy of disorder, several Santas then went into a convenience store and made off with beer and fizzy pop. Owner Changa Manakynda recalled: "They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves." The devil Santas are apparently members of a worldwide movement - dubbed Santarchy - and "designed to protest the commercialisation of Christmas". Three of their number were arrested during the Auckland anti-Yule uprising. Police are currently looking for 37 other men described as "wearing red coats, red hats and sporting big white beards". ® http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/12/19/santa_rampage/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reclaimer Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 @ Kain: Too much Riddlin I see. @ toms: LOL!! There goes Christmas!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Sitherino Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Kain, I highly suggest you read this: http://www.phys.psu.edu/~scalise/misc/lobo/pcs.gif Even if you aren't into comics, you, more than anyone I can think of right off hand, will love this one. To summarize the story, a drunk Easter Bunny meets our hero in a seedy bar to hire him to take out the fat man. He thinks that X-Mas takes too much attention away from his holiday. It gets better and better from there. It's hillarious in a ridiculously violent sort of way. Good ole' Lobo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pie™ Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 I knew it, Kain's a lousy hypochristian... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Wilson Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Hehe, its funny beacause its true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Santa runs a sweatshop. Its true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Great, this is getting worse by the post... Santa's a pimp! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BongoBob Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 I've come to a shocking revelation... Santa is actually Osama Bin Laden in a fat suit o.o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagobahn Eagle Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Slavehood is wrong people! Should've been a comma after "wrong", I think? But yes, pretty good stuff. Sounds like your usual Christian fanatic's rantings:D. Santa is actually Osama Bin Laden in a fat suit o.o I've noticed the similarity, too:p. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeleneRayne Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 I knew it, Kain's a lousy hypochristian... Nope, he's just one sad, strange little man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagobahn Eagle Posted December 26, 2005 Share Posted December 26, 2005 Not to mention that he yells "hoe! Hoe! Hoe!" as he dives down the chimney. Santa, that is, not Kain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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