Sith at Peace Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 I will soon be posting a fanfic set 500 years after the destruction of the star forge, about a young padawaan on the run from a corrupted jedi order. Please pay attention and critique it when I start. Also I apologize for my comments on the RPG thread, they're just obviously not my thing. I sincerely appologize to anyone I offended, thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reclaimer Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 Umm...isn't the KOTOR comic series like this, except 50 years before the events of KOTOR??? I don't think your idea is original... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 @Reclaimer: The comic you're thinking of is set eight years before the games, the ones from the mid-90s were fifty years before. I agree, though. This does seem like a bit of a cliché. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted April 10, 2006 Share Posted April 10, 2006 It doesn't matter. You guys should know there's no such thing as an original idea anymore. I think he should write whatever he wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 12, 2006 Author Share Posted April 12, 2006 Date: 2,178 BBY A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... STAR WARS: THE GALACTIC SCREAM The Galaxy has been at rest since the end of the tragic Jedi Civil War. Lead by fed-up misfits, the Jedi order rebuilt itself. The old knights vanished, fighting an intense war all across the universe. In their place, new heroes rose, heroes of peace. The self proclaimed "Golden Age of the Republic" is at it's end, however, with a dark threat rising. After hearing several cries and complaints the Jedi Order has sent a young padawan and his master to investigate the problem on an obscure planet known as Vamishua. This is a test for both noble jedi, as a success could turn them into a knight and a master... CHAPTER 1: Vamishua Jakane observed the scar on his face in the mirror, remembering the hard times which had left him with it. Abused by his father, a champion fighter, Jakane had had little confidence left. Everyday had seemed the same, almost an exact replica of the day before. The only variable was the location in which his father struck him. His only source of inspiration was his loving mother, who always comforted him, showing that people could be good. The day came that his father and mother were in an argument. Not knowing that Jakane was there, his father struck her. Jakane didn't think, he didn't consider the pros and cons, he just unleashed all his frustrations with a scream that could be heard by the entire planet, perhaps the entire galaxy. Jakane's parents were dead, his mother had been too close to the target of his rage. He became an outlaw, wandering the streets of Onderon, stealing for a living. All he did was steal, steal and run when he had to. But he intimidated other gang members, they could tell he was different. Jakane was jumped by nine other men, beaten, bloodied, and stabbed. Left for dead, he was taken in by a kind Jedi Knight named Raelzak. The jedi master Vroman sensed his power and took him in, despite his age, for training. And there he stood, in the facility room of The Consolation, remembering how he had become what he was. He heard Master Raelzak's fatherly voice, "We've landed." Jakane gazed at his scar once more, silently promising to never forget his past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 Jakane followed his Master off the small transport. Master Raelzak's dirty blond hair blew in the wind as he took his first steps on the small planet. The ground of the entire planet seemed to be made of dark stone. They could hardly spot a village far below them. The area reeked of an indescribable smell that was some sort of combination of fire and oppression. Jakane observed the area anxiously, he felt a very dark presence. Master Raelzak seemed calm; did he not sense it? Or was he merely waiting aloofly for the threat to reveal itself? Jakane heard a footstep behind him... Jolting ferociously to face the sound, he saw a small girl running. He watched as she jumped behind a rock and cowered. Master Raelzak gazed at him as he was about to follow her, "I'll do it." He said rather sternly but also with slight scent of humor. Jakane couldn't help but crack a brief smile. Master Raelzak looked behind the rock and gasped. Jakane approached slowly. Behind the rock was not one girl, but dozens of people. They weren't human, however, as the little girl had appeared. They had a reddish skin tone and three eyes. Other than that their features were almost strictly human. "Why do you hide?" Raelzak asked gently. " We are... no! We cannot speak of these things! Please... please be kind and leave us." Answered one of the aliens, "Please, You can trust me. Look inside. Do I want to hurt you?" Raelzak asked so warmly, so gently. The alien that spoke looked at his fellow citizens, silently asking what he should do. After getting very mixed reactions, he seemed to use his own judgement. "Our entire planet is being run by relentless sith. Long ago, we trusted a man to build battle droids. Droids that would protect us from our enemies. He built them and they protected us, for a while. But one day, less than a year ago, the man returned, and with him he brought these sith. It all happened so damned fast! The droids were reprogrammed, the sith destroyed our leaders, our government, and enslaved us using our own droids. It's a tragedy and it is your job, noble jedi, to defeat Lord Gyst..." The shot of a blaster echoed throughout the area as the speaker fell to the stone floor dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Angst Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 I like the story so far dude. You have good character development so far and great details of the moods of the characters. What's a little hard to tell though, is what the characters look like, all I know is one has a scar. Ps. Don't care so much if anyone responds. Even if it is something against you, which I doubt, just keep posting for all those who enjoy it. Keep it up man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 17, 2006 Author Share Posted April 17, 2006 (Thanks Darth Angst, I'll take your advice.) Jakane was unexplainably prepared for the shot and quickly pulled out his lightsaber. He didn't need to look back to know that his master had not been prepared. Jakane felt a sadness that stung his heart, this was because of the rock solid bond in the force that he shared with his master. He made the mistake of looking back, at the sight of Master Raelzak staring intently at the dead speaker. The speaker's blood was scattered over the dark stone floor; Master Raelzak was fascinated with the sight. Raelzak was a rather short man, and at the defining age of thirty his hair was already receding. Jakane quickly turned around, " Damn," he thought as the shooter had seemingly escaped. "THERE!" he heard Master Raelzak shout. Though he himself could not see the shooter, he knew the exact whereabouts, because of the force bond. The two Jedi chased the shooter, who was clearly running out of breath. He stopped on a ledge, which seemed to have a never ending drop below it. Jakane approached him, lightsaber in hand. The shooter gazed at him with a slight grin of dismay on his alien face. Without warning, the shooter jumped backwards, off of the ledge. Raelzak jumped forward landing on the edge of the ledge. He pulled with all his might, not only preventing the fall, but rising the shooter as well. A horrified look on his face, the shooter screamed an incoherent phrase about the demon force. Raelzak yelled back, " You don't have to die!" The shooter picked up his blaster reluctantly and shot Master Raelzak in the arm he was pulling with. Raelzak screamed as the shooter fell to his death. Jakane ran and used Force Heal on his master's arm. A great pain still ran through them both, a spiritual pain that was so intense that it hurt physically as well. Jakane could read his master's thoughts, " It wasn't your fault" he said reassuringly, " You're right," Raelzak responded coldly, " it was your's." Jakane never forgot the effect of these words, the words that made his father's beatings look like breaking a nail. He followed his master, not giving a damn about anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Raelzak lead his seemingly emotionless apprentice down into the village below, not a word between them. The walk down seemed to last hours, but the sun never set. The everlasting brightness of the world was grotesque, and for the first time Jakane was starting to regret ever meeting Raelzak. He wondered throughout the entire walk down what would have become of him had he stayed in Onderon. He would have joined the struggling Frayzork gang; he could've built them up to be just as strong as the Hullegar gang that betrayed him. Then he would have sought out his revenge, starting a gangwar that destroyed them both. Out of the remnants he would have risen, ruling Onderon with an iron fist. Instead he walked hundreds of miles down into a village of enslaved hostile aliens. Had he really made the right decision? They arrived in the village of Jabomue. It was strictly deserted. The ghost town had a vague scent of death, the two jedi looked at each other. "Jakane," Master Raelzak called out quietly. " Master?" Jakane replied coldly. " Look Jakane, I know I was wrong..." Jakane could hear no more as all sound waves were blasted away by an insanely loud alarm. A dark jedi dropped out of nowhere, his saber bloodshot red and humming. Diving just above Jakane, the dark jedi would have easily made the kill, had Raelzak not foreseen the attack. The saber just inches away from Jakane's head, Raelzak force pushed the dark jedi into a nearby building, which he hit with a sickening thud. Jakane immediately pulled out his light saber as the obviously old and unused building collapsed, crushing the attacking dark jedi. There was no time to celebrate however as Jakane turned to see Raelzak in battle with another. The attacker back flipped wildly after every strike, not allowing himself to be caught by a force pull or push. Raelzak easily matched his speed, however, fighting him in the air whenever he flipped. Both men were in the air when Raelzak force pushed the attacker to the ground. Immediately knowing what to do, Jakane extended his lightsaber to the right, and watched the attacker land on it, slicing in half. Suddenly the alarm stopped. The two Jedi heard a fierce rolling down a hill, and Raelzak could feel the anxiety of impending doom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Nobody has anything against you. Unfortunately, the Entertainment Center has a very small population. A lot people only come here to write their own stuff. A lot only come for ForceFight's Plight of Darkness, too - but really, can you blame them? PoD is great stuff:D I like what you're doing so far. You sometimes mix up homonyms (words that sound the same but are spelt different and have different meaning), such as they're and their, you're and your, etc. Also, don't forget that you need to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 Lol thanks doctor, I was starting to get paranoid... I'll take your advice, and it means alot. -SP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthSion101 Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 The story so far is very captivating, the characters are interesting so far, and the storyline is good. PS Don't let it bother you, when people critcize the idea not being original, when writing about Star Wars, nothing is original or your own, considering the entire universe was created by another person (ie Geroge Lucas), as well as charcters, weapons, vehicles, THE FORCE, jedi, sith, you get the picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted April 20, 2006 Share Posted April 20, 2006 Well it's good. Keep at it and I'm sure it will get even better. A bit of advice, it takes time for people to look at your Fanfic. Like The Doctor said, not many people do look at the Entertainment Centre. But soon, people will look at it. I hope to see more. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Thanks all for the feedback and reassurance, I'm almost done with my homework so the next post is most likely gonna be this weekend, if not I'll try and get it asap. I allready have the basic plot written down so it won't be rushed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 The Jedi Knight and his padawan watched as two copper circles rolled down a nearby hill and approached them. Jakane could feel that his master was tense but had no clue why. "Bombs?" Jakane asked quietly. Raelzak had a strong feeling of passion in his eyes, Worse..." He replied. Suddenly the copper circles stopped, pausing for a second. Then they both unfolded, revealing crab-like bodies. The Knight and his apprentice pulled out their lightsabers as the copper droids pulled out their arms, which both had blasters. A blue shield engulfed both droids, but the shots from their blasters managed to go through with ease. Jakane and Raelzak tried their best to temporarily dispose of their bond, as they needed to focus only on themselves in order to survive. The jedi were managing themselves pretty well, weakening the droids' shields with blasts that had reflected off of their lightsabers. Raelzak, being more experienced, was doing better. All of his droid's shots had reflected and shot back at the shield. The shield was finally destroyed, and with a smile on his face, Raelzak Force pushed the bottom half as hard as he could while he force pulled the top with all his might. The droid hit the dark stone floor with an impact that sent him flying in three separate pieces. Jakane was still deeply in battle with his droid, reflecting about half the shots fired, dodging the others. He heard the explosion of his master's droid but looked forward to destroying the droid without his master's help. A few minutes later his droid's shield wore out, though he couldn't tell if it was because of the occasional reflected shots or lack of energy on the droid's part. Either way, he knew this was not only the time to strike, but also a way to impress his master, thus making sure he became a jedi knight. Jakane used the force to jump in the air about 40 feet high. He posed his lightsaber in perfect position to strike. He heard a loud blast and felt a powerful sting around his rib cage. His body went tense as he lost control and fell all the way back down to the dark stone floor, landing flat on his face. He bounced off the floor, so he lay flat on his back. When he awoke he saw his master standing over him, he was unable to hear what Raelzak said to him though. Suddenly a piercing red blade appeared, coming out of Raelzak's stomach. Jakane heard him gasp as he fell to his knees. The red saber went flying back out. " Stay down!" Raelzak whispered. Before Jakane could respond he was suddenly unable to move, though he could still see and hear what was happening. Immediately he knew his master had frozen him using the force. He then saw a handsome blonde man, wearing black robes approach with a sadistic smile on his face... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted April 24, 2006 Share Posted April 24, 2006 A good described fight there. I noticed one spelling mistake. Padawaan = Padawan. Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with the Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 25, 2006 Author Share Posted April 25, 2006 Thanks Pottsie, glad you liked it. Padawaan was a typo, but thanks for the help. Next mind boggleing, heart-attack-giving installment coming in a little while . SaP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 23, 2006 Author Share Posted May 23, 2006 Sorry for the delay. Last week of school is here. Expect next installment this week. Thanks for waiting SaP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 I think you have a good start. The action sequences are interesting and make me feel some of the urgency and danger. There are a few things you could do that would help to improve readability. First, add more line breaks. This is the same issue I had with mine at first (I went back and edited it later). If you write in Word and paste it here, it doesn't look the same on the forum because of the white letters on gray background. It makes it much harder to read if everything is bunched together in one large paragraph. Every time a new character has dialog, give them a new line. Leave a blank line between each line of different dialog, and leave a blank space between each new paragraph. It helps the eye to follow everything better. Spelling--I've noticed this improving with each post. I use spellcheck but I don't automatically accept what spellcheck wants to change. I also read mine out loud to my son--I catch a lot of mistakes that way. I had a little trouble understanding why Raelzak would blame Jakane for the shooter falling. You build up Raelzak as a kind character, and then he gets upset at Jakane for no apparent reason. I remember thinking, "Why did he say such a thing to Jakane? He's supposed to be a nice and wise Jedi Master." Explaining reasons for actions that would be normally out of character for that person helps the reader follow your ideas better. Remember, there will be more people viewing your fic than commenting, and it's nothing personal. I'm just as happy to know people are looking at what I'm writing as I am to read the comments. Not everyone has time free or the inclination to read and then make comments. The biggest reason why someone doesn't read a fic or comment is simply because they don't have time right then--they have homework, they have family/work responsibilities, etc. I do like your Sith Lord--he's delightfully evil. I'm interested to see how Jakane gets out of this difficult situation. Keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Thanks Jae, I'm glad that you appreciate the true evil of Darth Gystow and find the battles somewhat thrilling. I will work on the spelling and spacing. I actually don't use word but I computer is screwed up when it comes to showing screen colors, so it probably looks alot different to me. Also I know I was a little paranoid at first.... I forgot to take my meds. Jk Don't worry about Raelzak's cruel statement. I SWEAR that it will be both analyzed and explained at some point in the future. I might make a trilogy of Jakane stories, sound appealing? Also I may have been a bit hasty saying the new installment was this week, as I spent the night at my friend's on Tuesday thus was extremely tired on Wednesday and tonight is 8th grade graduation. Next week for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 29, 2006 Author Share Posted May 29, 2006 Jakane lay on the freezing floor. Gystow had walked away, as did the opportunity for vengeance. It was only now that Jakane realized he was bleeding. His stomach seemed to have become hollow. Just a few years ago he was in the same situation. Left for dead behind a nightclub. Stabbed and bloodied, the knife had slowly pierced his face as it also pierced his soul. They had beaten him until he could not stand. The difference was that someone had rescued him. He looked over to see the headless corpse of his master, the only one left who cared if he remained alive. The words echoed "It was your fault." Jakane flinched. "You failed me, apprentice! JUST AS YOU DID YOUR MOTHER!!!" Jakane bolted up. The words had started as his master's but turned into those of something evil. Jakane gazed at the world around him, where the sun would never set. Everything moved slowly and he wasn't able to focus on anything in particular. He knew the direction Gystow had headed and he started to chase after him. He ran for what could have been a minute or an hour, as time had apparently died with his master. He kept running until he felt something blunt hit his back. He collapsed with relief, hitting the stone floor as if it were a soft satin bed. He choked as a wire wrapped around his neck was pulled upward. He opened his eyes and saw an elderly Rhytius pointing a blaster in his face. He looked the other way to see another Rhytius, intently pulling on the wire wrapped around his neck. "Let's see how Gystow likes this." He heard one say. Why must cruel fate have him die in the name of his tormentor? He would be killed by those who could have been his allies, thinking they were harming the enemy that they commonly shared. He closed his eyes, unable to watch his own demise. "Father, no! He's here to help us." Jakane opened his eyes to see the small girl that he had frightened earlier. He attempted to smile at her as the wire was released and he hit the black stone once again. "No, let him rest." He heard a deep voice say as he faded into a deep sleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 30, 2006 Author Share Posted May 30, 2006 You can expect more now that I've proudly overcome my worst enemy, writer's block. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 You have a good thing going but mostly my suggestion were what Jae said. She's a pal when it comes to critiquing! Anyway one suggestion I have is to label your chapters and post a single chapter in one post. It's cruel to the reader but it doesn't leave a person hanging as bad. It's better this way because all the events that are linked are in the same post and it is easier to draw from previous dialogue or events. Kind of how I post my chapters. Other than that, remember to describe the emotional state of the person. try to make them believeable. Just make believe we are all blind idiots and you need to give us enough so we get the basic idea. Good Job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 ((Thanks JM, I'm going to keep experimenting with the long winded chapters for now but it's good to hear what you think. "TYPE=PICT;ALT=")) Jakane awoke on a small patch of grass under a gigantic tree. He had never felt more rested in his life. He arose quickly and yawned. Suddenly the realization struck him of what he had witnessed. The memories of his master knocked him into deep gloom. "Think you got enough sleep?" The high pitched voice startled him. He turned to face the small rhytius girl. " How long was I out?" He asked quietly. " Seventeen hours." She replied, "we had ta' take you away from the city, and then you were restless. Screaming and what-have-you. So the Healer gave you some medicine." Jakane was slightly embarrassed, though there was no reason to be. He looked at the young girl, "What's your name?" "Threeda." she stated proudly. "That's a beautiful name. Now, Threeda, could you tell me where I can find your father and the other rebels." He asked kindly, trying to speak as Raelzak had, but in his mind failing. " Sure," she said a bit confused. " Just follow me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted May 31, 2006 Author Share Posted May 31, 2006 Sorry that was just the first part of this installment. My mom's hogging the computer. I'll post the second half this evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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