[Poem] A Marriage Proposal

[Diego Varen]

Hello, this is a Poem for my first competition on LF, for the Scoundrel's Prize. This is a poem that my LSM Revan (Diego Varen) has written for Bastila, but he isn't sure if he should go ahead with it. It's not great, but I appreciate any votes I may recieve. Good luck to everyone participating.

 

Star Wars - A Marriage Proposal

 

My love for you is stronger than the normal Dantooine river,

You make me feel cold and cause me to shiver.

However, I know that when I think of you,

You’ll make me feel warm, positive feelings,

And I hope you’ll say I do,

When I propose with this one marriage proposal.

 

We first met on Taris, where you were as stubborn as Master Vrook,

And I was nothing more than a lover of the typical book.

From that point onwards, we travelled the galaxy, finding the Star Maps,

Occasionally getting zapped,

By a Dark Jedi.

 

As time passed by, I found out my original identity from my old friend,

A friend who had become the dark lord of the Sith,

I was hoping my relationship with my friends could be mended.

However, I know that when I think of you,

You’ll make me feel warm, positive feelings,

And I hope you’ll say I do,

When I propose with this one marriage proposal.

[Sabretooth]

Why, now that is a rather charming poem.

 

Though, to be frank, I found it somewhat comical, with the "zapped", "positive feelings" and the other similies. But naw, that's nothing. It's a really good poem.

 

My rather frank (and a little briton) score: 7/10.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Sabre. I wrote this really quickly and I believe I was the first person to post something for Javyar's Cantina. I was afraid that I wasn't going to get any comments.

 

Also, is it just me, or can't we edit our posts here and I think when I vote, I'm going to vote for every Fic, including mine.

[Sabretooth]

Also, is it just me, or can't we edit our posts here and I think when I vote, I'm going to vote for every Fic, including mine.

 

Nope, editing is banned here.

 

And DO NOT vote for every sig, because then that would be virtually as if you didn't vote at all. There will be no difference in votes, mate.

 

Edit: Blast that no-edit feature! In the last post, I meant to say "fic", not "sig". Slip of fingers.

 

We decided to make it a no-edit forum so that people can't change things in the middle of the contest. I'll move all the fics to CEC when the voting is done, and then people will be able to edit as they desire. --Jae

[HK-42]

Good Job Pottsie, charming. 8/10

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Saruman, but you forgot that my name is now Topsite. After this competition, I'm going to post an editing version of this on KFM and see what people think of it there.

[Bee Hoon]

Well, I've never been really into poetry, but at least your poem gets the point across, lol. Generally, people shiver when they think of scary megalomaniacs>:S

[Grace]

They shiver when they're cold too.

 

Am I the only person brave enough to leave negative feedback?

 

Sorry, Topsite, but I can't say this is much of a poem. At first, it seems like you're trying to make things rhyme, but the rhyming is... disjointed. It just doesn't flow. Then, later it seems as if you've given up completely on rhyming, but even then the poem doesn't seem to flow well. And the very end is simply repeated from the end of the first verse.

 

So in answer to your Revan, no you should not present this to Bastila... unless she's in a good mood, in which case she might find your poem's lack of poetry endearing.

 

(Oh, that last bit sounded far more harsh than I intended... sorry...)

 

My rating: 2/10, for the effort it seems to have taken you to even attempt poetry.

[Jae Onasi]

No, Grace, you're not the only one brave enough to leave constructive criticism.

 

The idea is a good one, but there's a lot to learn about poetry, and that's something that only comes with experience.

You need to work on a couple things--the format of the poem--sonnet? ode? something else? It's hard to do free-form poetry if you've never used the established formats. Second, you need to work on the meter--the way it reads now, when you read along, the 'beat' ends up on the wrong syllables of the words, giving them emphasis they shouldn't have, and not giving the proper emphasis to the right word or syllable. Third, I agree with Grace on the rhyme scheme--in the first stanza, your rhyme scheme is roughly a-a-b-c-b-d, the next stanza it's a-a-b-roughly b-c, then the last stanza there is no rhyme scheme at all. You want to keep consistency from stanza to stanza in rhyme scheme, line length, number of lines, and meter, unless you're using a specific form like a sonnet (in which case you should follow that specific format). There are some great books out there on beginning poetry that I think you'll find really helpful. I think you have an interesting concept here and love poems are always wonderful to see--I think if you rework this some, you'll be very pleased with what comes from your efforts at re-writing.

[Grace]

Hmm... constructive criticism. How much better that sounds!

 

(and I did intend to say 'first'... not 'only'... oops! )

[Diego Varen]

Well, it's okay to leave constructive criticism, since not all writers get good feedback. I admit that I'm not too good with writing poetry, even more so when it comes to KOTOR. I also admit that I gave up on the rhyming after the first part, since I couldn't think. Once the competition is over, I will post a *hopefully* better version of this on KFM.

 

I appreciate all comments, good and bad, so thanks to Grace and Jae for making me more aware of my poetic writing.

[Rabish Bini]

Well done! Although I thought some of the lines were a bit long, but a good job in all. 7.5/10

[Lord Spitfire]

Hmmm . . . it's allright.

 

BUt it doesn't give me a powerful feeling. It sort of brushed the surface thoughts. Dig deep down in Revan's feelings, and portray them in words.

 

And a tip, don't try to rhyme. It ruins the poem, trust me. It removes the power (though this is not always true)

 

But still, good job. It actually was a bit of comedy, if you take away the surface power of the poem. My rating is:

 

 

6.5 = Fair

[Diego Varen]

Thanks for the advice Lord Spitfire. I read your poem and I believe that yours was much better than mine. I'm not really a poem writer, it is even harder when it comes to Star Wars, but I couldn't come up with a good Fic beforehand, so I tried a poem.

[JediMaster12]

Like I told Spitfire Tops, it takes practice. Me I was never fully schoold in rhyme scheme and the like. My dad was a poet when he wrote letters to my mom when they were dating.

 

My advice is that if you want to make a poem, start out simple. Use four lines per stanza and a scheme that is a-b-a-b or a-a-b-b. The second is probably much easier since they go together in couplets. Start with two stanzas and then work your way into three and four. Just keep writing them and voice them aloud to yourself. Often when you hear it aloud, you can hear the parts that don't fit together and you can change them. You think that I wrote Asking for Forgiveness and its long awaited reply in one sitting? Well Asking for Forgiveness was done on the spur of the moment so that doesn't count but the reply I did took me about the equivalent of two days since I wrote it in between classes. It takes time and patience.

 

It's virtually the same advice that I give you when I look at Sera Tana chapters and the like. Time and patience and plenty of practice.