Darth Stephanie Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Navara stood there staring at her self in the mirror after having removed her helmet, her hair tumbled out and Navara Untied the ribbon that held it together. What would her uncle say about her being a bounty hunter. lucky for her the name Fett was already famous enough that no one could tell Naia Fett, was really a girl. a female bounty hunter inside the bounty hunter's Guild, as dieased as sick as it's code was, it was all she clung to, the last hope to the only remaining non male bounty hunter in her family. Navara sighed and closed her eyes before once again tieing her hair up into the signature Short ponytail she wore and put her helmet on. More targets to hunt, and more bounties to bring in. She smiled at her reflection and Sung a drinking chant she knew from her father: "Buy'ce gal, buy'ce tal Vebor'ad ures aliit Mhi draar baat'i meg'parjii'se Kote lo'shebs'ul narit" Outside her Door hung a sign that read "bounty hunter for hire, all jobs taken." how many of her clients knew that it was really Female for hire, all jobs taken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Okay, for a start, this is *really* short. Try to go into more detail. Why is she masquerading as a male just to join the guild? What are her motives? There's also a few typos , and spacing out the paragraphs will make it easier on the eye. Just keep writing, and you'll improve:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 ... Is that really a completed fiction? It looks cut off, in my opinion. Like it's the prelude of a much longer tale. If it is actually supposed to be this short, the first thing I will tell you is to write more and more! This is unforgivably short! Your writing definitely has potential. Like Bee said, keep writing and you'll improve! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I have to agree that on its own this doesn't seem quite finished - the main reason for this is the idea of the fic. It seems kind of awkward to me in that it doesn't seem to have a plot, or a general theme. When you don't have one of those, it won't matter how well you write - the fic will be incomplete that way. I'd also have liked a translation of what her father said to her. Not many people here know Mandalorian, which will hurt how well they perceive your fic if they couldn't understand what's possibly a plot-critical part of it. I'm also fairly unsure what the references to her being female multiple times are about - is it supposed to be the theme of the fic? If it is, I'd try to put some emphasis on why that's important. And on a more technical note - grammar and spelling. It's hard to understand your fic if you don't do either of those accurately. Lastly, it would've been nicer if it was longer than the feedback I've just left. But the fic does have potential! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Okay, where to start with this. This seems more like a teaser for an upcoming Fan Fic than an actual Fan Fic. I'm sorry, but it is. There are some spelling mistakes, but nothing more than a quick edit will do to fix it. Description wise, there is a lot I want to know about Navara Fett. Other than the fact she is in some way related to the Fett family, what else could be said about her? Did she have a bad past? Is she a bounty hunter for sport? Small descriptions like these examples could be used to enrich the story with a small backstory for your character. I like the name Navara though. You do have potential as the previous three reviewers have already said, so don't be put down by this review and its score. 2/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasraLantill Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Well, I have to agree with Sabretooth. This fic is more like the start of one rather than being a complete story. All we know at the end is that Navara is a female bounty hunter with long hair who is related to a Fett and speaks Mandalorian. You have a good opening, but there's nothing that follows. More details please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 ^Definitely. It feels like it is leading somewhere, but to be quite honest, you haven't grabbed the reader. Nothing exciting or dangerous, or odd has happened to arrest the reader's attention, and drag them in to the later story. It would be interesting to see what happens to Navara/Naia and know some more about her. Also, as others have noted, this story needs a degree of improvement in terms of spelling/grammar/syntax. At present it is a little tricky to understand in places. I'm not going to rate this one, as I don't think it would be fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Stephanie Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 oh geez.... i must have pressed tab and then enter! i am sorry... i'll have the FULL story up later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Um. Er... i'm not sure if that's aloud. Forgive me if it is. It't soo short. It's descriptive but there's no real story in it. Just someone talking and staring in a mirror. Ok it's different but it does need to be waaay longer. You have quality but not enough quantity. 2/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 If it's the start of a longer story, it has the potential for something very interesting. I would think that the Star Wars universe was a lot less sexist than our planet, so I don't know if being a female Fett would be considered a detriment. When you expand this, make her hair part of a mannerism she has as you have here, but don't overdo it--you want people concentrating on her, not her hair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Empress Padme Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 Potential but waaaaaay to short which made it confusing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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