[fic] The Quest for Revan

[Burnseyy]

well maybe not drunk all the time lol

but yknow. it's the sort of place for that kind of thing.

[Rev7]

If you say so...

[Revan 411]

Very good story there.

[Burnseyy]

shush, i wouldn't!

you don't know what i'm like

 

Very good story there.

 

 

muchly appreciated!

[Bee Hoon]

First off, shrinking the words is unnecessary. I have dreadful eyesight, and I'm patient enough to scroll, so the default size is just fine:P

 

There's minor grammatical errors such as "pleasing" instead of "pleasure", "leant his chest against" instead of just plain ol' "leaned against" or something like that. Certain descriptions such as the tear rolling down his cheek (fled?) could use some work (heck, any piece of writing could always use MORE editing). I think you will find that there's a lot of smoothening which could be done. For example:

His robes were tugged down, fully, by Dantooine’s gravity

The fact that you state it specifically gives me the impression that this is the exception to the rule, and hence that everyone's robes are flapping around immodestly

 

I also noticed a few instances (Master's instead of Masters, it's instead of its) where you used the apostrophe inappropriately; Jae has a link explaining it somewhere. Don't worry too much about it though:p

 

Last I checked, grey was a colour, btw In chapter 2, you described Atton's appearance as tiresome--judging from the context, probably a word choice error. Tiresome means causing fatigue or boredom.

 

entrancing through a scuffled gate

as she graduated into view

Ditto for word choice errors. It is also a tad awkward.

 

Besides that, I'm not sure, but I believe that the Miraluka are all blind, as in absolutely lacking eyeballs in their sockets:/ It would be...ambitious for Darren to try healing what is natural to them.

 

At that moment, Darren presented a head gesture

Which was...?

 

Darren could sense the obvious uncertainty in every person within the room, yet the prep talk appeared to be successful, as they all raised their fists into the air, some even clutching their lightsaber, cheering a sort of ’war cry’.

Erm. Not a very Jedi thing to do.

 

Supplies are short at the moment, but a gargantuan shipment from various other planets will be arriving very soon.

Not really relevant, but I just have to ask... Who paid?

 

Anyway, I stopped at Chapter 2 as it is late and my mind is starting to wander. I am curious as to what direction you will take with this (since it can go anywhere). The best advice I can give you at the moment is to edit the earlier chapters, and get a beta reader or reread every chapter multiple times and polish before posting. I'm really quite woozy, so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance. Here's a belated welcome to the forums and the CEC!

[Burnseyy]

First off, shrinking the words is unnecessary. I have dreadful eyesight, and I'm patient enough to scroll, so the default size is just fine:P

 

There's minor grammatical errors such as "pleasing" instead of "pleasure", "leant his chest against" instead of just plain ol' "leaned against" or something like that. Certain descriptions such as the tear rolling down his cheek (fled?) could use some work (heck, any piece of writing could always use MORE editing). I think you will find that there's a lot of smoothening which could be done. For example:

The fact that you state it specifically gives me the impression that this is the exception to the rule, and hence that everyone's robes are flapping around immodestly

 

I also noticed a few instances (Master's instead of Masters, it's instead of its) where you used the apostrophe inappropriately; Jae has a link explaining it somewhere. Don't worry too much about it though:p

 

Last I checked, grey was a colour, btw In chapter 2, you described Atton's appearance as tiresome--judging from the context, probably a word choice error. Tiresome means causing fatigue or boredom.

 

Ditto for word choice errors. It is also a tad awkward.

 

Besides that, I'm not sure, but I believe that the Miraluka are all blind, as in absolutely lacking eyeballs in their sockets:/ It would be...ambitious for Darren to try healing what is natural to them.

 

Which was...?

 

Erm. Not a very Jedi thing to do.

 

Not really relevant, but I just have to ask... Who paid?

 

Anyway, I stopped at Chapter 2 as it is late and my mind is starting to wander. I am curious as to what direction you will take with this (since it can go anywhere). The best advice I can give you at the moment is to edit the earlier chapters, and get a beta reader or reread every chapter multiple times and polish before posting. I'm really quite woozy, so if anything doesn't make sense, I apologise in advance. Here's a belated welcome to the forums and the CEC!

 

 

 

 

thanks for the constructive critisism, it's good to finally get a detailed load of it.

 

i see what you mean with some of that stuff, i could have worded it differently, and i'm trying to make chapter 5 as perfect as I can, because I've looked back on a few of my other chapters and realised just how stupid some things sound...

 

I'm like that - i get carried away with my story. y'know, get too immersed in it. i guess it sounds better in my head.

 

Some things i didn't agree with you on, though... like the battle cry thing. most of the people were either Force Sensitives (not really Jedis) or had been hiding for so long, in troubled times. They wouldn't really be acting like Jedis, which is part of why I wrote this... if I was talking about the previous council, like with kavar, vrook, etc. on, there's no way I'd have let them do a battle cry lol that's just insane.

 

And with the Miraluka being blind. Yes, they are like that, but I was trying to make a point that Darren doesn't know enough about his companions. You'll find this out sometime in chapter 5/6 probably. Perhaps I should have elaborated on this, but it is from Darren's POV - I'm trying not to delve too much into other peoples opinions, thoughts and stuff, which are hidden.

 

If that makes sense.

 

Also, I do know how to use grammar, but I'm entitled to a few mistakes. I have bad eyesight, also, so I possibly did not notice, and I apologise for the small text... I didn't really consider eyesight issues. You could have always changed the zoom level on your computer, but eh. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.

 

Other than that, thanks.

 

[Bee Hoon]

I'm like that - i get carried away with my story. y'know, get too immersed in it. i guess it sounds better in my head.

Yeah, stories tend to do that It's rare to get it exactly how you visualize in one sitting, so take your time.

 

Regarding the battle cry; mmm, perhaps. It's not how I think Jedi would act, but it's your story!

 

I see... Perhaps it would have been better to simply have him ask Visas about it and embarass himself

 

Aye aye, grammar is a pain. Don't worry too much about, but try to give every chapter a quick read once you're done and you'll pick up most of the mistakes.

 

Lol, I mean, I can read it, I just prefer larger font sizes

 

You're very welcome!

[TheExile]

UH!!! NICE!!!

But I have only 1 thing that it keeps annoying me!!!

You chose the wrong people to be dead, except Bao-Dur...

"Many battles does that one have left in him... as Revan intended. A general needs an army, as he needs those he trusts. And Canderous is a loyal beast, no matter how much he is broken upon Revan's will."

There was a similar thing Kreia said about the Handmaiden too, I just can't recall it, cauze I mostly play as female...

But nvm that!!! Keep up the good work!!!

10/10

[Burnseyy]

i never said that bao-dur and mandalore were dead.

[The_Catto]

Great additions to the story, Burnseyy! Sorry for not replying, been a little busy with life and what not. It's good to finally be able to stop and read some great fanfiction.

 

I'm liking this story. And all the stuff what I noticed, Bee has already said, lol. Nice work!

 

Keep up the good work! (No pressure intended ... heh, maybe! ... We all know how hard it is to try and keep writing the best we possibly can ... You, however, have done a pretty darn good job of it, I might add)

[Burnseyy]

The Quest for Revan

Chapter Five

Confessions and Contributions

 

Morning was approaching, slowly, the western suns of Ankus were glinting through the folds of cloth, which were acting as curtains, behind the window pane of Mission’s apartment. The walls were dirt-ridden, the wallpaper peeling, due to dampness, and there was an extremely defined stench of rotting food about the air. The confines of the room in which Darren was situated in, was sombrely dark, and showed very little signs of care or cleanliness.

 

He was perched on a chair, by the window, next to the bed of a sleeping Mira. He had offered to stay up, keeping an eye on her, whilst she recovered from her strangely compulsive drinking from the night before. The bed she was sprawled across in must have been rock hard, Darren assumed, due to the fact it was not denting in under her - it was very firm… and the quilt she had clutched in her hands, was thin, and lacked the ability to hold any kind of heat. I guess it is for the best, since this planet is blisteringly hot, he figured.

 

He transferred is eyes from the sleeping Bounty Hunter to the window, pulling aside what he discovered was a pair of trousers, and gazed out into the sun warming horizon. A smile crept across his features, as he saw this, in a very memorable way. The last time he had seen a real horizon such as this, had been back when he was on Onderon, with Brianna, as they took time to sit down. It had been just after rescuing Mandalore‘s friend from the judgemental authorities, and just before seeking out a meeting with Kavar, they had taken time to speak… There was very little time for that sort of thing, back then. The smile faded, and he looked away, his heart expanding in sadness. There was a tingling sensation in his chest, which he attempted to ignore, but it did not mean it wasn’t still there.

 

If Brianna was here, we wouldn’t be sat in some back city apartment with a drunken Mira and an irritable Visas, he told himself, utterly convinced. She always knew what to do, how to go about it - she was always so sure… so sure of where she wished to go. He glanced up to the livening landscape once more, to find his heart stinging immensely. “Mira was right… I’m being stupid.”

 

“No… you’re not,” he spun around, taken utterly by surprise, as his eyes shifted about the apartment, before falling on Mira, who was now sat up right in her temporary bed. She was fully clothed, save for her outer robe, which Darren had removed, before settling her down, prior. Her hair was unkempt, which was no real surprise, after her episode, and she appeared rather ill, but was keeping herself together quite well, despite this.

 

“Feeling better?” Darren asked, displaying a weathered smile.

 

She raised an eyebrow. “Do I look like I’m feeling better?” She sighed, and leant herself, peacefully, against the wall beside her, as the side of her forehead brushed it, a tad. “I remember bits, so don’t feel the need to remind me…” she whispered, a disgusted expression imprinted on her face. “Couldn’t you have at least stopped me?”

 

“I didn’t know you, of all people, would have allowed yourself to get like that,” Darren answered, honestly. His face was blank, and inquiring.

 

"When you're brought up on Nar Shaddaa, it's the first thing people expect," she said, jokingly. Darren returned a brief laugh.

 

“Do you know where we are?” he quickly said, changing the subject.

 

“Something about someone called Mission.” She stated, certain of herself.

 

“Yeah, a Twi’lek named Mission asked us to help her with a debt, a kind of bounty thing, in exchange for information about Revan and an erm.. ‘nice’ place to stay,” Darren placed emphasis on the word ‘nice’, sarcastically, as the two of them studied their surroundings. “Visas and Mission are in the other room; I stayed to make sure you wouldn’t; like, wake up in the middle of the night and jump out of a window, or something,” he chuckled.

 

Nonetheless, he received no such response from Mira - she looked very displeasured. Her arms were folded, defensively, whilst she resumed her usual strong front, in which she frequently presented. Her breathing was shallow, and she stunk of foreign drinks, and fruit-scented smoke. Her complexion had grown pale, over night. Darren felt the urge to make a crack about this, in comparison to what Sith looked like, but he felt it best not to provoke her. He had been on the receiving end of Mira’s rants more than once.

 

Silence ran throughout the two of them, as they directed their attentions in opposite directions, awkwardly. Even the silence seemed to have a sound, against the dead stillness of Ankus. There were no traces of people in the area - no sound, nothing. Darren figured that Mira could not find it relaxing, in any way… that she found it too quiet, as opposed to her usual way of life. He could tell this, for she had once told him about her love for loud, lively places, and he came to the conclusion, despite this bizarre approach to life, she sort of had the right to drink... Mira was never boring.

 

“I-” Mira started, however, instantaneously ceased the sentence. Darren stared at her, blankly, waiting for her to speak. “Nevermind.”

 

“No,” he told her, strongly. She looked at him, puzzled. “You’ve been troubled ever since we set off on this quest… what is it?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she retorted, in her haste voice. “’You sure all this excitement hasn’t gotten to your Jedi head?”

 

“You know what I’m talking about, Mira.”

 

Mira dropped her gaze, and peered down at her quilt, which she immediately began to twirl about her fingers. Exhaling a heap of breath, and slinging the bed cloth down, at the bed, the redhead sat herself upright, on the edge of the bed, and remained, still.

 

“Look, you better not get all obsessed with this, or I’ll have to beat you to a pulp,” she told him, quietly. And what was strange, was that Darren sensed that she meant it. “But I’m not cut out to be this… thing you’ve turned me into.”

 

“What do you mean ‘this thing’?” Darren enquired, at a loss of what to think.

 

“I mean… This Jedi business..." the huntress murmured. “I can hear everything you people are saying - or thinking, what ever it is - you aren’t hiding anything of what you’re feeling! No one is. Emotions are everywhere, and there’s nothing positive, ever. When we were on Dantooine, I felt as if my heart had been wrenched from my body, and now we’re here I feel a big gaping hole in my heart. It’s the same, everywhere.” She explained, slowly, “I shouldn’t have let you ‘teach’ me this stupid Jedi stuff, I don't like it. Nothing has changed.”

 

“Of course things have changed,” Darren replied, wholeheartedly and reassuringly. “You’ve helped us get this far - you can feel the thoughts of others, you have the potential to help---”

 

“I had the potential to help others, before,” she stared at Darren through squinted eyes. “I helped you, before I became a ‘Jedi’. And what good has it done me? Urgh…”

 

"You told me, once I'd begun the training, that you were pleased with what I had shown you," Darren argued, pressing his voice louder. "You said you felt at ease! If nothing has changed, then you've turned away from it."

 

"I have not turned away from it!" Mira spat, spinning about on her heal, to face him. "How can I turn away from it, if I don't know how to?" her face was expressionless, and lost. He studied her, unsure of where along the lines, she had become so confused. "This is all your fault, and you know it, you pathetic Jedi!" her tone had risen now, and Darren was taken aback, simply sitting in silence, listening to her spill words from her lips, at incredible rates. "You somehow... convinced me to become a Jedi - somehow. I know what you're like, I know your type..." she went on. "The type that just won't take no for an answer, and you think it's all fine and dandy to just go stuffing your beliefs down other peoples throats---"

 

"I have not stuffed my beliefs down your throat!" Darren shouted, in defence.

 

"Yes you do! You may not realise it but you do. And what have I gotten from all of this? Ignorance."

 

“No, you haven't, I..." Darren paused. He actually had no response for this. Mira was right - ever since she had converted to a Jedi, she had just acted her usual self, save for the fact she now carried a lightsaber and wore robes… the only real difference he had noticed in her, was that she had become irrational, more reactive to comments on her. “But… you haven’t trained properly - you’ve only really had me as a tutor, and well… We’ve had a lot of stuff to do.”

 

She collapsed into the bed, looking Darren directly in the eyes. He gazed back, marvelling at her brown eyes, in a distant manner. Her brows were wrinkled, and her features were scrunched up into a distressed image. “I need help... I've had nothing from you - you were more preoccupied with tutoring that Handmaiden of yours ... I ask you, when did you once stop and think about Atton, about Bao-Dur, about me?" Her brown pupils were upon him, demanding an answer. "Answer me that." she pleaded, and that was when Darren knew… where Kreia had told him about her death on an unknown planet - it was a lead up from this.

 

They fell into somewhat of a staring contest, where Darren’s expression had contorted into a guilt-ridden one, and Mira’s held a sincere desperation to them. How had he neglected this significant part of travelling with the Bounty Hunter? The promise he had made to her, back on Nar Shaddaa had been clear and precise - ‘I’ll teach you the ways of the Jedi, if you come with me and learn.’ He shook his head, in disbelief. I’m a complete fool, he told himself, silently.

 

“I... I'm sorry," he finally admitted, the 'contest' still raging between them. "I've neglected you - I'm sorry. I didn't realise..."

 

"Well, now you do. And I've been trying to tell you this for some time. You've been leaving me out of the loop - in fact, Bao-Dur died trying to protect you, and you helped him in no way..."

 

"I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to take a stab at me... Besides, no one knows what happened to him." he muttered, quite hurt. "I'll train you - any time we get spare, I'll train you in the ways of the Force. I guess I simply expected you to learn from me. I guess I thought you were smart enough to do that."

 

"Hey," Mira said, "I'm a Bounty Hunter - I find people, I plant mines, I make grenades - I'm used to being on my own - what exactly was I supposed to learn from you whilst you were running around Kreia's manipulative hands like a puppet?”

 

“Enough!” Darren hissed, in a hushed tone. “I’ll teach you. That’s that.”

 

“And no getting obsessed, okay? You’ve always been the type of person to get attached to things. That’s the last thing I need right now.”

 

Darren knew she was referring to Brianna, at that point, which made a pit in his stomach sink, dramatically. He remained sincere, and level-headed, but the last comment stabbed at him, painfully.

 

He noticed guilt roll over Mira’s face, suddenly, before he saw a figure moving out of the corner of his eyes. He turned his head, to see Mission and Visas standing before them, by the bedroom door, which too, was completely dirt ridden. Does this girl ever clean? Darren mused. Mission had raised her eyebrows, in a humoured sort of way.

 

“So, what have you two been up to?” the blue Twi’lek asked, japing Visas sighed, in disbelief. Darren saw this, and smiled, entertained at the ex-Sith’s reaction.

 

Mira spoke up: “Things the Jedi Council would never agree with,” she joked, in response. And in spite of the fact that this had been for mere humour, part of what she had said was true - if the Jedi Council were still alive, the previous ones, at least, they would have severed Darren from the Force, refused to teach neither Atton or Mira, or most of the Force Sensitives on Dantooine about how to be a Jedi. He found this somewhat impressive, on his behalf, and for a moment of pride, he congratulated himself, and also his companions. Without us, none of this would ever have been achieved.

 

~

 

The morning had come to the present, and Darren, Visas and Mira were listening, intently, to what Mission had to say about the Crime Lord she was running from. Darren had done some thinking from the night before, and came to the same conclusion as the blue Twi'lek had - there was something going on with this debt that she owed.

 

The four 'companions' were seated about a mahogany carved table, which had suffered numerous scratched, and dints. Scattered about it, were information leaflets, titled "Debts" or "Bounties" or "The Exchange", and as Darren looked closer, he noticed that they had been crumpled, opened, and some, even torn. The chairs they were situated on had legs missing - Visas' even owned no backrest, and Mission's was far lower down than the others - possibly for a younger audience.

 

"You can't have debts to pay, if you haven't borrowed anything," Mira explained, bewildered. "Have you borrowed anything?"

 

"No, I haven't. I paid for this apartment with my own money, I work in the Cantina for my own money..." Mission scrunched up her eyebrows. "So, it's not allowed then?"

 

"No, it isn't. If you've done something, like broken a law, that's up to the authorities to handle it. If it was against this Crime Lord, there would be a bounty on your head, and you can't pay that off." Mira glanced from Mission to Darren, and he gave a slight nod, comprehending exactly what she was saying. "So, you're right to question it... I'm just not entirely sure what it means."

 

"We don't really have any authorities here," Mission admitted, as she scrambled to her feet. Darren raised an eyebrow. "The Republic are the only ones keeping order here - but there apparently were some, before those monsters came and killed everyone. Luckily, I wasn't part of that death total." She glanced about, nodding to herself. “Look - I’m in a tough spot, and I... No one’s even listened to me since I got here... There’s something weird about it all, okay? And I just need some help.”

 

Darren had often gave his aid to those in need, those who could not help themselves, and he had always been demeaned for it, by his ‘loyal companion’, Kreia. All those times, he remembered, that she told me helping others was weak, helping others was in turn, hurting them... perhaps it did have some truth in it. His emerald eyes flitted between the three girls, realising just how little he had tried to help them to be stronger, whilst he took the lead, and like Mira had told him, mere hours ago, he had neglected his duties. Am I helping Mission, for Mission‘s sake? Or am I just being selfish, again? he asked himself, silently.

 

He observed as the three conversed, unable to forget the words she had uttered to him - and it all made sense in the end. It had always been about him. His mode of address dropped to the naked floor, full of crumbs and dirt marks, moulded into the pattern of shoe soles. Always been about you, about how you were the ‘Last of the Jedi’ or the ‘one who followed Revan’, or Kreia’s little manipulated slave. Always about you... he thought. He needed to make some serious amends, but now that he had began the journey, these were going to be hard to come by. Moments of freedom - when am I ever going to be able to find time to teach Mira to wield the Force properly?

 

And then it hit him. “Mission, if we’re agreeing to help you, you should come with us,” Darren stated, simply. “We can help you, simultaneously that way - you’ll have gotten rid of this debt, and we’ll also be able to look out for you, so you don’t get found out.”

 

the Twi’lek’s features showed that of resentment and fear. He could sense it in her, too, that the idea of stepping from her comfort zone was a bit too much to ask. She finally found the words to express this: “but... they... but... I can’t go near them!”

 

Visas caught on, quite conveniently, and spoke up. “If you do wish to free yourself from these ties, then you must also accept that staying here would endanger you, and also weaken you, more so than it would if you were to accompany us,” she breathed, calmly, allowing the atmosphere around her to flow, as it seemed. Darren had always found her presence incredibly peaceful - how she did this, after being with her previous Sith master, he did not know. “if you were to stay here... what good would come of it?”

 

“I agree,” Mira insisted, yet said no more. Her words were clear cut, and strong... and somehow it seemed to sway Mission’s fear.

 

Nonetheless, the Twi’lek merely nodded, and resumed positioning in the seat. Darren could now sense shame, and regret, yet also, intermingled with that, was relief. He smiled at this, and as did the two women, of his crew. Mira can sense feelings, and it doesn’t overwhelm her... but she said otherwise... maybe a talk soon, will answer any questions we both need answering, he figured, since their conversation the previous night had been halted, so abruptly.

 

“So I guess you want to hear the information about this Crime Lord? When this all happened? And who his right hand man is?” Mission muttered, in a rhetoric sense. She was almost determined to rid herself of said information - as if she thought it would relieve her of the stress and worry, much like air being squeezed from a balloon. The three companions tried to find comfort in their chairs, to hear the story, like children. But no avail - the seats were terribly built up. Whether Mission had tried to fix any of this furniture, Darren knew not. “And no interruptions - Revan was a killer at interrupting people whenever she could.”

 

Darren chuckled, and mused, jokingly, women. Strangely enough, Mira shot her gaze upon him, instantaneously after this, which caused him to grow a little paranoid with just how much the redhead could hear.

 

“Right, so this Crime Lord - he’s kind of small time,” Mission went on, leaning forward slightly in her chair, as if she was trying to get down to business. “The nerf-herders got loadsa’ men though, just doing his dirty work, left right and centre. His name’s Jekko-Domn... but no one really knows much else about him. Like I said, he’s small time, which means he’s only really based on this planet and one more - not sure which one, though. And it also means he’s hard to track.

 

“Like I said, I came to this planet, kind of like you, hoping to find Revan... and well, I did, but as she left I said I was just going to patch up a few things on my ship, and I’d be outta this cesspit quicker than you could say ‘Sith’. Well, I was approached by some... men,” she paused, her irises glinting a brilliant blue, in the light, which cast few beams through the ‘curtains’. “’Claimed I was violating some rule, which had seriously insulted Jekko-Domn, but because the Crime Lord felt ‘sorry for me’, he said he’d let me off with a debt. In my opinion, he’s just a schutta who’s looking for credits,” she sighed, shaking her head, tired. “Anyway, when I asked what the violation was, they said it was my Wookie friend, Zalbaar, y’know, the whole ‘alien immigration’ thing. Which I seriously didn’t understand, to be honest... anyway, I’d never heard of this before, so I just agreed and researched as much as I could about rules and regulations - you noticed before, Darren, the leaflets on the table.” Mission nodded to Darren, and he nodded back, as if indicating for her to continue her story. “But yes, Zalbaar was being tormented - they didn’t like his kind, the discriminating schutta scum. Urgh. So he left, I told him to, even if we both hated to see each other go. I figured, too, that it’d clear my debt, but no, this petty Jekko-Domn has it in for me.

 

“During my research, nonetheless, I came across information on Jekko-Domn’s top man - a Zabrak by the name of Iriz Kung... he’s a regular at the Cantina, which is why I decided to work at the bar, there... y’know, in hope of negotiating my release, because this ‘debt’ also meant I could not breach the wall of Jekko-Domn’s power. So yeah, I’ve been waiting for him to come, each night, I’ve been talking to him, trying to squeeze some information out of the brain dead bantha, but no avail. The night you came, though, I was about to start... uh... advancing on him a little... y’know... to get information out of him. Bit ashamed of that, but---”

 

“Oh, don’t be ashamed,” Mira cackled, mischievously. “It would’ve worked.”

 

“What did I say about no interruptions?” Mission snapped, which left the ex Bounty Hunter with a sour expression smacked across her face, almost as if the Twi’lek had slapped her clean across the face. Darren could sense a small bout of anger brewing in her. “I’d rather have kept some dignity and speak to you, than speak to him.” This left Mira with an even rawer sense of anger, in the pit of her stomach. “He’s the guy you need. Every night he’s at the Cantina, spending his credits away, chatting up the Cantina dancers, cheering with his ‘friends’, louder than anyone else in there.”

 

Darren, figuring that he would be permitted to talk, now, suggested: “Well Mira, if it would have worked, why don’t you try it with him?” A smug look crept over his features, waiting for her reply.

 

“Maybe I will... And whilst I’m at it, I’ll see if that bounty on Jedi is still up for grabs,” Mira retorted, a sarcastic look playing upon her face.

 

The two exchanged brief snigger, before Mission jumped into the momentary inside joke. “What do you mean... are you a Bounty Hunter?”

 

“What, me?” the redhead enquired, quite expectedly.

 

“Yeah...”

 

“Used to be - I don’t hunt anymore,” she explained, and despite this, Darren sensed a great bundle of fear wash over the Twi’lek. He tried to sense her thoughts, yet he found that he could not, due to the fact that she was too muddled up, considering the dilemma with Jekko-Domn and his ’debt’. He shrugged this off, and fell back into the conversation. “Don’t be scared, whatever this Jekko-Domn’s after, he sure doesn’t have my vote of confidence. He’s a rat.”

 

“Perhaps a strong battle plan would be necessary, if you,” Visas said, her words woven beautifully, as she addressed Mira. “are not willing to use your Bounty Hunting skills to favour our mission.”

 

Darren hastily sided with the ex-Sith on this note, with an eager nod.

 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m going to use my ’Bounty Hunting skills’, as you called it, on this slime,” Mira murmured, quite content with the idea. “We just need a back up plan - if you hadn’t noticed with your run in with the Exchange, last time,” she stared at Darren with earnest tone, “people like this are sly, cowardly and pathetic... it’s always best to have something to run to in case there’s a problem.”

 

Darren quickly spun an idea, on the tip of his tongue, routing from a sudden surplus of inspiration: “Mission and I could act as Security Guards, and if it starts getting out of hand, or going the wrong way, we could drag you out, claiming you’re ‘breaking the rules.’ Visas could use her excellent mind skills, additionally, to percieve what this ‘Iriz Kung’ is up to - if what you’re saying is right, Mission,” he directed his attention to the turquoise shaded women sat, before him, “this guy is weak minded, and it wouldn’t even take a fool to trick him into a false sense of security.”

 

Darren received a gesture of approval from everyone.

 

“So we have a plan?” Mission announced, enquiringly, but without even waiting for the same proposal of agreement as Darren had, she added: “Let’s go.”

 

 

----------------------------------

 

so that's chapter five. pretty much a taster of what's in store for Darren and co.

hope you enjoyed.

 

chapter 6 is underway!

[Darth_Yuthura]

I really appreciated the extreme details that went into the dialog. Rather than the majority of the writing being quotes, you have significant emotions and details within this chapter. It must have taken more time to put so much into the character's expressions than to have them speaking. This was very elaborate and I look forward to how the characters are going to develop.

 

P.S. I take back the drinking comment earlier. I see that Mira did have a lot on her mind... warranting her to want to shut it out.

[Burnseyy]

i went over each portion 3 times to make sure everyone was in character, and I had used synonyms and whatnot. I wanted to put as much detail as I could into this without leaking too much information.

 

thank you very much for the comment! i'm glad you like it, so far. and indeed, there was a lot on her mind. literally. lol.

[HIGH ON PIE 14]

Oooh, liked the descriptiveness in this chapter, especially on Mira. I like how Mission is working with the group now. I think Mission and Mira make a good team. They compliment eachother well. So Mira's gonna work her stuff then? That should be interesting...

 

I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment. Keep it up, this is quite enjoyable!

 

~HOP

[Burnseyy]

I'm glad you like it! People are probably wondering why Visas hasn't played a big role yet. Oh, she'll get her chance

 

and yer, Mira is gonna' work her stuff haha. I'm gonna' enjoy describing that scene ^_^ mwhaha.

[Rev7]

^

 

I too liked this chapter. It seems that Mira is having questions about the Jedi life. I really wouldn't blame her because living the life of a Jedi, an untrained one at that, must be difficult. Mira has always been smart, and always will be smart, but I don't think that you can teach yourself to become a Jedi. I also like all of your descriptions in the dialog. The Exile reminiscing about his talk with the Handmaiden on Onderon, was exellent. Also how Darren 'neglected' Bao-Dur, Atton, and Mira. I think that really made the Exile think about his actions with his friends. Good work, and I am looking forward to more.

[Burnseyy]

thank you very much ^_^

i've got a lot in store for this planet.

[TheExile]

Well, how much Exile neglects Atton, Bao and Mira is just from each person's tsl playing experience IMO ...

 

But aside that, THIS FIC TOTALLY ROX!!!

I like your very descriptively way of writing...

It's so different from mine. To make such descriptions... it just requires emotions.

That's my problem... Because of my... 'troubled' early childhood- to say it like this- I learned to shield myself from strong emotions... I'm not an emotionless b!tch, but the only feeling that runs strong through me is love, and love alone can't be focused and later harvested in a pencil to make such descriptions...

And more then that, I'm a boy, I like dialogs and "pwnpwns!" and guns and explosion and war at large scale, and a main hero who starts as an ordinary guy- tho you would guess he not normal cauze he's the main character after all- and ends up being the biggest pwnpnwer!!!!

 

Keep it up!!!! We all can see you really really enjoy writing, and you should go pro imo...

If you like so much star wars, you can make a request to Lucas Inc. and present ur writings, and if Lucas will like it, you may have the permission to release it as a book, thus your story will be cannon...

[Burnseyy]

Well, how much Exile neglects Atton, Bao and Mira is just from each person's tsl playing experience IMO ...

 

But aside that, THIS FIC TOTALLY ROX!!!

I like your very descriptively way of writing...

It's so different from mine. To make such descriptions... it just requires emotions.

That's my problem... Because of my... 'troubled' early childhood- to say it like this- I learned to shield myself from strong emotions... I'm not an emotionless b!tch, but the only feeling that runs strong through me is love, and love alone can't be focused and later harvested in a pencil to make such descriptions...

And more then that, I'm a boy, I like dialogs and "pwnpwns!" and guns and explosion and war at large scale, and a main hero who starts as an ordinary guy- tho you would guess he not normal cauze he's the main character after all- and ends up being the biggest pwnpnwer!!!!

 

Keep it up!!!! We all can see you really really enjoy writing, and you should go pro imo...

If you like so much star wars, you can make a request to Lucas Inc. and present ur writings, and if Lucas will like it, you may have the permission to release it as a book, thus your story will be cannon...

 

 

 

you're not the only one with emotion troubles lol. i seem naturally mellow and 'calm' but that's just because I hate showing any emotion except happiness

I guess writing stories is just my release from reality, and I can get immersed in a character enough.

I didnt think my story had a lot of emotion, but nonetheless, thank you very much. the comment is appreciated and the next chapter will be up soonish!

 

also, i didn't neglect them in my game! lol it was impossible to ask more than 'hows life' and 'mandalorian wars' based stuff.

laame.

[Astor]

Impressive, most Impressive. I've only read the first part so far, but i'm going to make time to read the other parts so that i'm up to date!

[Burnseyy]

Thank you very much!

Im currently reading the second part to your fanfic.

 

 

[Rev7]

Erm...when is the next chapter?

 

I guess that I should be patient.

[Darth_Yuthura]

I'm just posting because I haven't posted in a while.

 

I know Visas is a very bland character, but maybe you could have the Exile interacting with her more. They each suffered a terrible loss and emerged differently. Maybe they discuss how they coped with their losses and emerged stronger because of it.

[TheExile]

Yes, agree with Darth_Yuthura... They know each others suffering. More interaction in a fic would compensate the fact that the most questions in the game are about Katarr imo...

[TheExile]

you're not the only one with emotion troubles lol. i seem naturally mellow and 'calm' but that's just because I hate showing any emotion except happiness

I guess writing stories is just my release from reality, and I can get immersed in a character enough.

I didnt think my story had a lot of emotion, but nonetheless, thank you very much. the comment is appreciated and the next chapter will be up soonish!

 

also, i didn't neglect them in my game! lol it was impossible to ask more than 'hows life' and 'mandalorian wars' based stuff.

laame.

 

Well, you'll see nothing else at me then clam... I'm very very rarely angry, or upset or joyful. And when I am, it won't last for long... I think it's a good thing that I can't be upset or angry... But angriness, if harvested can sometimes give you loads of ideas!

Well, enough with the emo things already!!!