CommanderQ Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Very excellent chapter, Bee!! I'm definately looking forward to the next one due to the ending, which was indeed awesome!! Post the next part soon!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Yes, another chapter! I second CQ's motion. I would give a critique, but I'm lousy at it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litofsky Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Most excellent, Bee! To me, the beginning was a ounce fuzzy, but I was able to read past it, and I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the chapter. There was only one grammatical error that I saw: He tore open the wound, crying out as he did. He wanted to make her see just what she had done to them all. Distantly, he felt the Revan recoiling from the wound. I do believe that the word "the" is unnecessary. At any rate, a very nice chapter. The symbolism with the rain at the end was a nice touch, especially for the acts that Lei and Revan have committed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knight 12167 Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 Thanks for the comments, everyone Litofsky, holy cow, thanks! That was careless of me Moo, I really have to work on making my writing less confusing;o I have a bad habit of assuming that the reader has access to all the random daydreams and plot bunnies--uh, gizka-- floating around in my head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGH ON PIE 14 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I think Revan's and Exile's chemistry gets better with every chapter and their interactions are most enjoyable to read. As others said, a bit fuzzy at the beginning, but it got much clearer as I kept reading. I have a bad habit of doing that too...I keep forgetting the readers don't know as much about the story as I do. Two great additions! ~HOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Very nooiiice, Bee. Another great addition to the story and still with Lei and Revan, the feelings they share and the memories each relive whilst in the others presence is a nice touch and makes the reader (I, mainly, as I can't speak for the others ) feel a little bit more connected in knowing just what they are going through. I'm liking this story more and more and like the others ... I can't wait for the next chapter. “Heads up.” She sounded eerily calm, despite the despite the distant roar of ships. Is that another intent to impress the meaning of the sentence or a mistake. I'm confused, Other than that though, didn't find anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 HOP, thanks! I have Sabre to thank for that--he made me play Max Payne 2 to see dysfunctional romances:P Mr_BFA, oh snap, my editing skills PHAIL. Thanks for pointing it out, and for the lovely review Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I have Sabre to thank for that--he made me play Max Payne 2 to see dysfunctional romances:P The No. 1 element for all dysfunctional romances: Cleaning companies. They ruin everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Sabretooth, don't discount the role of Captain Baseball Bat Boy! Note: Any funky grammar in the next part is entirely my fault, as I resisted Sabre's katana. As is the complete lack of action. I like emo fluff :3 Chapter 4: Love|Need What is need? She needed air, water and food. She needed to excrete waste products. She needed a place to sleep, preferably warm and dry. These weren’t the only ones, of course, but she could live on these alone. The others? Eventually she ceased needing to speak, to tell the story that was quietly written into her mind. She grew accustomed to the emptiness without them, without him. The needs became wants, and then became nothing. He needed the same basic needs that she had survived on for years. And he also needed to know that she was safe. There was no way of knowing, of course, except for what his wavering instinct whispered. She was safe, she was not. She was happy, she was sad. He had (on more than one occasion) reflected that he may as well sit on a park bench, all melancholy-like while plucking petals off a flower. If he did though, he’d be obliged to cheat (five petals, and start with “she’s safe”) which defeated the purpose entirely. She would have said something like that. Then he would reply that he was too macho to do something like that. And then they both would laugh. So some needs aren’t really needs at all; more like an addiction to another person’s proximity. You don’t really need love—you won’t die if you’re alone. And years later, you’ll wonder whether you really had felt so strongly, and whether it’s all just your imagination playing tricks on you. But they were face to face and something was stirring; faint shadows of memory slowly coalescing into his smile, the brush of her hand. Maybe they were wrong. Needs never died. You just learned to ignore them and pretend that they never had been. Unfortunately, this beautiful circumspection vanished with the advent of what would be known as The Great Space Battle. “I told you we should have taken a military vessel!” “Will you just quit dragging this subject up? We’ve flogged this dead bantha enough!” She waved a hand dismissively. A bolt of energy scored the plexiglass and she ignored it. “We’ve spent the past hour dodging these damn things! This expensive hunk of metal is made for racing, not evading an armada!” Revan cursed the lack of any firepower for the twentieth time, while pulling a turn that sent bottles of liquor in the pantry crashing onto the floor (lavishly overlaid with marble. She liked it.). “Shut up and pilot the damned ship.” “Thank you for your contribution to our survival!” “Hyperspace coordinates are in, and you’re welcome. Besides, how were you planning to take on dozens of veterans, as opposed to one drunk, rich brat?” There was no reply as Revan concentrated. Two minutes later, his white-knuckled hand was pushing the throttle to make the jump to hyperspace. Their vision blazed blue as light was left burning in their wake. “Lei.” It was more sigh than word. “I believe this is the part where I use my feminine wiles to help you relax and to make you a slave to my will.” She grinned mischievously. “You should.” “Dream on.” “I will.” He fully expected the smack that he received. “I think I saw some Tarisian ale in there. Go on, get drunk. Then I can make fun of you.” “Nope, that won’t distract me from stealing a ship that actually has guns next time.” “Drop it, Revan.” “Kiss me and I’ll think about it.” “Sleaze. You’re just a dodgy old man now, and you’re even worse than Atton. Whatever happened to that idealistic boy who wanted to change the galaxy?” “Who is this ‘Atton’?” “Who is this ‘Bastila’? Same thing.” “You mean you-!” “No. But there, we have it—you took advantage of sweet, innocent Bastila. Tsk, Revan.” He choked at that. Wiping his watering eyes, he asked hesitantly, “But you and him-“ “I care for him,” she stated. Revan looked away, and a confused welter of thoughts bubbled up. I am sad. I am happy if she’s happy. At least she hasn’t been alone. I’ve lost her for good. Serves me right. You never had her in the first place. Jedi must not love. I’m not a Jedi. We aren’t any more. What does it matter? “In another lifetime, maybe…” In another lifetime we could have been happy together. “I want you to be happy,” he finally said. “Revan? You’re an idiot.” Hazel eyes widened in confusion. “I’m going to sleep. You should get some rest too. Sweet dreams.” Maybe love is just need going both ways. Or a mutual need creates love. Perhaps love is just an illusion, and need was all there is. An hour later, she stirred as a figure smelling of Tarisian ale leaned over her, tucking her blanket securely around her. She vaguely thought about how juma on a person’s breath smelled like vomit, but good ale wasn’t so bad. Revan’s lips were so close to her skin that he could feel the warmth radiating off it. After a long moment, he pulled away and instead whispered, “I need you to be happy.” Maybe love is the right kind of need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Aww, that was sweet! "Who is this 'Atton'?" "Who is this 'Bastila'?" Great! As I usually say, keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Excellent chapter, Bee!! I really enjoyed the Character's banters between eachother as they suddenly realized the need for a military vessel {need:D Heh, went along perfectly with the chapter:D} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litofsky Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 “Lei.” It was more sigh than word. “I believe this is the part where I use my feminine wiles to help you relax and to make you a slave to my will.” She grinned mischievously. “You should.” “Dream on.” “I will.” He fully expected the smack that he received. <...> “Who is this ‘Atton’?” “Who is this ‘Bastila’? Same thing.” “You mean you-!” “No. But there, we have it—you took advantage of sweet, innocent Bastila. Tsk, Revan.” He choked at that. Wiping his watering eyes, he asked hesitantly, “But you and him-“ “I care for him,” she stated. Revan looked away, and a confused welter of thoughts bubbled up. I am sad. I am happy if she’s happy. At least she hasn’t been alone. I’ve lost her for good. Serves me right. You never had her in the first place. Jedi must not love. I’m not a Jedi. We aren’t any more. What does it matter? <...> Revan’s lips were so close to her skin that he could feel the warmth radiating off it. After a long moment, he pulled away and instead whispered, “I need you to be happy.” Maybe love is the right kind of need. I quoted a whole bunch, Bee, but those were my absolute favorite parts of the chapter. The tension/reviving passion between these two characters was expertly done. I really don't have any more to say than that I absolutely loved it, and I want MOAR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Endorenna, yay thanks! I am partial to sweet fluff :} CQ, I wouldn't say it was sudden, it's just the sort of thing I imagine that Revan will bring up every time he thinks Lei's judgment is questionable Lififsky, thanks! <3 Uh, passion? I didn't know I could write that I learn something new everyday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Sorry I was late reading it. BH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.