Keyan Farlander Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 She mentioned a couple of months ago that she might be moving. I, nice guy that I am, (and trying very hard to get on her good side...) said something at the time like: "Well, if you ever need a hand, be sure to let me know..." Words that came back to haunt me. It's OK... I probably just would have been just sitting around my house being sullen and bitter otherwise. I got a halfway decent dinner out of it, and some time alone in the van with her to talk. It really wasn't that much stuff, (she's renting a single room) nothing was too heavy, and she probably would have been up the creek otherwise: her only other help was another even smaller, super-skinny Asian girl and that girl's boyfriend. They'd probably still be working at it. Yeah, but any time a guy is too helpful or too nice or too sweet, it warns women off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Yeah... it's a danger. But whenever I've come on too directly or strongly, it's always warned women off, too. And 'playing it cool' has never got me anywhere either... Not sure what to do. So my only choices seem to be: to keep at it the way it's going... or just give up on it forever. Actually, my big fear with her is that we are quickly drifting into "The Friend Zone" and we will get stuck there,.. and it will be awkward, if not impossible to go anywhere else from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyan Farlander Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Yeah... it's a danger. But whenever I've come on too directly or strongly, it's always warned women off, too. And 'playing it cool' has never got me anywhere either... Not sure what to do. So my only choices seem to be: to keep at it the way it's going... or just give up on it forever. Actually, my big fear with her is that we are quickly drifting into "The Friend Zone" and we will get stuck there,.. and it will be awkward, if not impossible to go anywhere else from there. The success I've had has been when I have been direct and asked them out on a date. If they say no, then stop. Don't ask them out again, and don't be their friend. Because if they don't like you, they don't like you, and you're wasting your time. And as you already know, being their friend will get you nowhere. But they might just not be sure. In that case, you want it to seem like you have other options and better things to do than think about one particular woman. That makes you more attractive to them. You must always remember that women are crazy and posses no reason or logic whatsoever. Only when you have realized that will you have a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I don't gamble. The reason I don't gamble is because I have never won a dime at it, and have never had any of the positive reinforcement that it takes to want to keep gambling. I've lost every dime I've ever placed on a bet. Same goes for asking women out for me. In my entire life, asking someone out has never resulted in a "yes." All the way back to junior high dances up to this year. I don't know the exact numbers (it's a statistic I've never been proud enough of to bother keeping a record of it...) but I'd peg it at somewhere between "more than 20 but less that 50..." and most of those in a row. All the dates I've ever had were setups by friends, friends that kinda morphed into more, and that one chick who asked me out from Myspace last year. But the direct route doesn't seem to give positive results for me... so i'm always reluctant to try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyan Farlander Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 But the direct route doesn't seem to give positive results for me... so i'm always reluctant to try it. That's why it doesn't work. You have to be confident. Your gambling analogy was bad, because in this case you have nothing to lose. It's not like asking a girl out and getting turned down will somehow ruin your chances with her later. Either she was never going to go out with you anyway, so it doesn't matter, or it will actually INCREASE your chances with her later (assuming you do it right), because you have made a strong, confident, but not desperate or weak, indication of interest. Are you fat? Poorly groomed? Boring? Annoying? If so, you can fix those things. But other than that, there is nothing to stop you from getting a yes if your approach is right. That's not to say a yes is sure to follow - things happen in other people's lives that you cannot control. But trust me, this is the right approach. That's not to say you shouldn't be friends first. Asking someone out when you know little about them makes no sense, in my opinion. But you can't let it get too far before you make your move. Otherwise, you hit the dreaded "friend zone." Just be a man. Strongly state what you want, and if you don't get it, don't let it bother you. Women want men, not women. That doesn't mean you have to be a belching, rude, sports nut. It means you have to be strong and you have to lead and initiate things. Now go get 'em, tiger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Eh... I've tried every approach I can think of, and the results have always been the same. Trust me: I started out just the way you described when I was younger... but after a couple of dozen rejections in a row self-confidence starts to erode. I just totally gave up for most of my 30's. Didn't even bother to look, or to let myself think about it. So now I look for somebody who I already get along with and have a somewhat proven track record with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyan Farlander Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Maybe you should just give it up and become a monk. Though I doubt they'd let you wear the vest over the robe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Believe me... I've thought about it. I'm far more chaste and celibate than many of those that take the vows already. Thanks for the concern and all the advice, though. I'll try to get back in the game and put it into action sometime soon. After all... something's gotta give. But if I go through another round of rejection like I did in the past, the monk option might just start to look damn good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K_Kinnison Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 These days "Date" is too strong of a word. "Meet-up" is preferred for first time meetings. Asking them out for Coffee/tea/drinks is a low commitment, low risk, casual event. Tho Ed I would have to say you need to be more blunt. But be specific. DInner and a scenic stroll.. movie, etc. Or find out some sort of hobby she likes that is fun. Otherwise... find another fish in the sea and learn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zargon Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 this **** cracks me up no offense meant to you aspiring gentlemen, but this forum should not be giving out any dating advice, just taking it well except ya know, gunner has a wife and kids, and I got a wife..... although of the 4, keyans method seems alot like what I did....with a little KK mixed in. being strong with intentions while still being nonchalant is key, otherwise you seem like you are trying to be a player, or a creep, or a total loser Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Hmm... I've already asked her out for several things already, (along those lines of casual meetings...) and she's never actually said "No"... just that she's too busy right now,.. maybe later. She does work a lot, and has even more community volunteering obligations, so I have been inclined to give her benefit of the doubt. (She's actually mentioned not being able to find time to meet up.) But it could be that's she's politely turning me down, and trying to nicely spare my feelings without alienating me. Hard to tell. Since I don't have anything else lined up on the radar if I give up on this, I figure I'll give it a little bit more time. Let her get settled into her new place for a few days before I make any other overtures. Besides: I'm working a lot of nights in the next couple of weeks. It's hard for me to make plans myself... which is the main reason I think the thing with the last woman fell apart. She didn't understand why I couldn't just meet her when she got out of work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K_Kinnison Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 the line "Too busy now, maybe later" means she isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. bail now, and find someone else. Give up. If she really wants to be with you she will MAKE time. an hour, or 2 is not hard to find in a day. Most often "Busy" could be nothing more then relaxing at the end of the day with some quality "ME" time. The Legal secretary lady MADE time to spend with me. it was only an hour. But she did make time for me. One time was coffee/tea after we both got done with work, another time we took advantage of my having a day off to get lunch near where she worked. One lady even ended up bringing her kids along. Another told me what days she had off from work and left it open. That is one of the reasons I like eharmony. Everyone there has made some sort of commitment to find a relationship in the form of a member fee. Out of 100 matches I get, one of them ends up being a meet/date Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Maybe... but it will probably be at least 2 years or longer before I find anyone else who catches my interest. That's just how it works with me. Don't think I'm going the internet dating route. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 internet dating route has been fail for me so far. of course, it could be the fact i'm using a free site, but it's pretty much crap when nobody sends the first email or even responds to any of mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyan Farlander Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 although of the 4, keyans method seems alot like what I did....with a little KK mixed in. I know what I'm doing. I snagged the girl of my dreams...and then lost her But it was more bad luck than anything, mixed with the complete irrationality of women. In the past, I've looked back and kicked myself, thinking "if only I had done that/not done that." This last time, though, even though it was apparently a failure in the end, I am quite satisfied that I did everything right. That does make it a little easier - no regrets on how I conducted things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I know what I'm doing. I wish I could say that again regarding women... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I have no idea what I'm doing and never have. But at the moment my current track actually feels OK... and even if it doesn't lead anywhere, so what? I know myself well enough to know that the time I spent trying to get to know her better wouldn't have been spent doing anything more constructive... and probably would have been spent alone, growing progressively despondent and bitter in my isolation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 i look so much cooler without glasses. i miss contacts. just ****ing around with my camera, waaaay too bright, but it looks awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zargon Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 David Carradine died, may have hung himself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zargon Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I know what I'm doing. I snagged the girl of my dreams...and then lost her But it was more bad luck than anything, mixed with the complete irrationality of women. In the past, I've looked back and kicked myself, thinking "if only I had done that/not done that." This last time, though, even though it was apparently a failure in the end, I am quite satisfied that I did everything right. That does make it a little easier - no regrets on how I conducted things. that does help my biggest what if was one girl I dated that I never got serious with for no apparent reason, we were super compatible and really got along, then she graduated and moved and since we had never really dated dated, we lost touch I love my wife and have no regrets marrying her, but I do ponder it on occasion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zargon Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 *chirp chirp* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 *Stomps on cricket* Tired today. Think it will be an early night tonight. I might take tomorrow off to get some **** done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K_Kinnison Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Ying is on call this week/weekend so we have postponed meeting til the weekend after next. Rumors at work are some people are going to be asked if they want to be temporarily laid off. That means going to the government for food stamps and a check. My worry if I do that is that I might not be called back to work, or the unemployment check will be too small Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I pressed the wrong button and wiped out my post. yay. went running this morning, followed by the gym....no food at all this morning cause i ate alot the night before...was pretty hungry afterwards, so headed over to my parents' and chilled out with my dad and watched burn notice, casino royale, and a new show that just premiered. Got a female contact in Monticello, NY that I'm planning to meet sometime, just as friends, since she wants kids and a long term relationship, and I do not want kids. I don't think it'll hurt having a few female friends that live in areas I don't usually visit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Tired today. Think it will be an early night tonight. I might take tomorrow off to get some. fixed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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