Funny Complaints

[Marius Fett]

Found these in a thread on the FileFront Forums, and I figured you might get a chuckle out of them over here.

 

These are complaints that people in the UK sent to their local Council's...

 

Genuine Council Complaints

extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.

 

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

 

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

 

 

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

 

 

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

 

 

 

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

 

 

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

 

 

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

 

 

 

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

 

 

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

 

 

 

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

 

 

 

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

 

 

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

 

 

 

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

 

 

 

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

 

 

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

 

 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

 

 

 

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

 

 

 

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

 

 

 

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

 

 

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

 

 

 

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

Really does make you wonder if people check what they've written.

[Taak Farst]

[Trench]

! People are hilarious!

[Demongo]

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

 

[glovemaster]

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

Ah thats hilarious.

[Darth Avlectus]

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

 

*Dog yelps* That's a tough break there, mister.

 

 

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

He'd have to be a contortionist to be that flexible. Makes you wonder what he's been doing by himself when the wife ain't around.

 

Sounds like Beavis also found someplace new, beside's Anderson's shed and camper.

 

 

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

 

DAAAAAMN! What have you been eating to pull *that* one?

 

 

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

 

Good question.

 

 

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

 

She must've had a really good time with it. Now you're getting involved? Makes me wonder how many swinger clubs there are.

 

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

 

Go ahead, nobody's looking.

 

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

 

I know. Makes me wonder what you've been doing all this time.

 

 

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

Then maybe you ought to quit lighting off fireworks in your pants as though you're Dane Cook.

 

 

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Bobbing for apples....anyone?

 

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

 

I'm gonna let the joke make itself.

 

 

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

 

Basic math: the next great hurdle.

 

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

 

And they say your libido dies down as you get older?

 

 

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

 

Mm-hmm. Maybe you should have thought about that before moving in?

 

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 

Hence why they say "watch where you point that thing".

 

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

 

Can't your husband do it?

 

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

 

I would, except I don't think that's worth my trouble.

 

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

 

Uhhh, okay. I'll be happy to do it, but you have to leave the premises and take care of yourself.

 

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

 

You double your toilet as an antenna? Now *that's* impressive.

 

 

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

Uhh, would it hurt if you wiped once in awhile? Maybe also gave the bush a trimming if it bothers you so damn much?

 

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

 

You *know* you like it. Admit it.

 

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

 

MMMMM! Finger lickin' good. Breakfast o' champions. S*** eatin' grin, anyone?

[Master Shake]

OMG lol.

[igyman]

Mega uber LOL!!